Never-Ending Midnight

by KNeu24264

Sequel to Standing on the Moon-Takes place during Eclipse: Everything it takes to be human after a life of fighting to stay alive isn't easy to get the hang of. Life throws some lessons in there that are only learned the hard way, and Leandra can't escape the consequences while coming to terms with her past.

10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

I had a lot on my mind.

The following day was warm, and it felt more like summer. There was no hint of rain today, and the sun even decided to show itself a few times through the high, thin clouds. I spent a lot of time outside, letting the light breeze warm my hair while I sat there in a chair on the porch, deep in thought.

I was only a few weeks away from turning eleven, and as much as I had to think about already, it made me a little sad. I didn't feel much different from where I'd been the year before, but at the same time, I knew I was.

The photo album my dad had given me the year before sat open on my lap, and I was stuck on one picture in particular. My mom stood smiling at the camera, holding me as a baby. My hands were up, reaching for a bubble floating by.

I honestly couldn't make sense of what I was looking at. I knew the woman in the photo a little better than I had last year, but she was still a stranger. I didn't know how to feel when it came to her. In one way, I was glad she made the decision she did. I was much happier here than I would ever have been with her, and she had a chance to get to know herself a little more.

I wondered if she was okay with what she'd found so far.

What were the chances I'd be dropped by both my parents? It was a little funny that the only one of them trying to get me back was the one person I never wanted to see again.

I hadn't seen my dad since I ran away from him just after Christmas. I hadn't heard much from him in the last few few months or so. Unless Carlisle or Esme were keeping him informed and not telling me. That was a possibility.

I sighed, closing the book and lightly tossing it to the side. It landed on the chair beside me, and I looked down. That must have been another gray area, because I didn't know what to do with it.

I looked back, though, at the sound of the door opening behind me. Carlisle slowly walked outside, closing the door behind him.

"I think a bad night is coming." I sighed, looking forward again. "It's been awhile, and I've been stuck in my head a lot today."

"I was actually just coming out to ask you how you're doing." He said. It'd been awhile since we'd had one of our talks.

"Not that good." I admitted quietly, keeping my eyes forward. I admired the way the trees bordered the yard like a wall.

He sat down in the seat adjacent to mine.

"I heard from Heather." He informed me gently, and I looked over. "Zack and Josh are fine." That was good. I nodded in response before I closed my eyes as another breeze carried my hair behind me.

"What's bothering you?" He asked, noticing my silence.

"A lot of stuff." I replied. "Mostly the fight. Emmett said it would be easy, but I've been thinking about it. If you guys needed to train for it, how is it gonna be easy? Could one of you guys get hurt?" I looked back over at him. I needed to know.

"There is always that possibility." He murmured. "I won't lie to you, but I have the highest confidence that this will end in our favor. There will be more of us than there are of them. Unfortunately, though, it's a problem we must take care of to keep our home and loved ones safe."

"And you can't just.. Not do it?"

"No." He replied. "I'm afraid not. If there was any other choice, we'd take it."

I hated that answer.

"When?"

"Friday." He answered. Today was Tuesday. "Tomorrow night, we'll all be going hunting."

I needed to change the subject. The thought of losing any one of them threatened to flatten me under its weight. It was a fear I hadn't let myself look at yet. It was one thing to worry about them leaving, but I couldn't bear to think about actually losing someone.

I couldn't make myself think about the fact that one of them might not come home. So I changed the subject.

"I think a bad night is coming." I repeated, quieter now. "I had a good day yesterday. My good days are getting better, but I think my bad nights are getting worse."

"How do you know when a bad night is coming?" Carlisle was curious.

"It's something I just feel." I replied. "I can usually tell when I wake up that the next night is going to be a bad one. I thought I was just making it like that myself, but no matter how hard I try to change it, it doesn't change. My thoughts sound different, and they move differently. I feel it everywhere, and I'm almost always right."

"Different, in what way?"

I hummed in thought. Looking for the right way to describe it.

"My thoughts go back more than they go forward." I answered. "When I'm okay, I can think normally. I can't stop it from happening, though, because by the time I notice it, I'm already back there." I hesitated. "Like something keeps pulling me back to it. I feel it, though, like watching a giant wave coming at me, but I know no matter how hard I try, I can't get away. The dreams are just a part of it. I hate it so much, but I have to sleep some times."

He was silent for a moment, so I took a deep breath and held it for several seconds, sighing it out.

"I'd give anything to make them stop." I admitted, quieter now as I rubbed my eye tiredly. I hadn't gotten that much sleep the night before, which he was fully aware of. It wasn't that bad, a rather normal night of two nightmares, but I could feel it today because of my lack of sleep night before last.

"Leandra, I want to revisit the option of using a sleep aid." He finally said, and I glanced over. He'd brought this up before. Medication to make me sleep. I'd give anything, but I wouldn't do that, because I knew it wouldn't solve anything.

"I really believe that when we find the right dosage, it'll only help you."

"That won't work." I immediately dismissed. "I don't like them anyway."

"I know you don't." He replied. "But I worry about what the stress of inadequate sleep is doing to you."

"I sleep sometimes." I mumbled. "I don't like them."

I was firm about that. I wouldn't take any, and aside from forcing me or tricking me, there wasn't anything he could do to change that. He knew why. He knew I'd rather suffer every day of my life than take something that would trap me asleep.

"I know you don't." He repeated. "However, something needs to be done soon. You've had problems sleeping since I've known you, and that is impacting you in a very negative way."

"I've had problems sleeping my whole life." I pointed out firmly, looking over at him. "I won't take it."

"After all of this is over, I want to talk more in depth about this." He said. Meaning, after the fight is over. I shrugged. My answer wouldn't change.

I hated it when he pushed this. I hated it, so whenever he did, I usually became less of an open book and more of a brick wall. He knew that too, but some part of him couldn't help it. Probably the doctor part. Or the concerned part.

I'd just closed that open book. He knew me well enough to know it. Any more questions would probably be met with silence, so he didn't try. I looked over at him, and I hated the way I was. He was only trying to help me.

"Promise me?" I asked quietly. "Promise that you'll come back?" In my voice, he knew me well enough by now to hear just how scared I was. He heard just how much I needed him to promise me. I needed him to promise. I just needed him.

"You have my word, Leandra." He replied gently. "We'll come back to you."

Oddly, that made me want to cry, but I managed to hold it back as I nodded.

I held it back, for the most part, all day. For as long as I could. I hadn't been getting hardly any real sleep for the last few days, and it was catching up to my permanently exhausted mind.

All through dinner, and the hour I lasted before bed, I braced myself. A headache had taken shape sometime just after lunch, and by the time dinner was over, it was bad enough to send me to bed early.

I knew Carlisle was taking my heads up earlier seriously, so I knew he was just waiting for the moment when he'd have to come into my room to pull me out of whatever trap my mind had pulled me into while I was asleep.

I decided to go to bed early. A decision I quickly regretted. My dreams were different tonight. They scared me. It was like I was dreaming about something I hadn't seen before, but I recognized it as if I'd seen it a million times.

I could see his eyes. Jack, his face right in front of mine. It was so real, I could reach up, touch him and probably feel it just like I'd feel it any other time.

The way he glared into my eyes, the way he always had was burned into my memory, but it was different this time. The words he said to me were different. I couldn't completely understand the words that he said, as I had the heavy, suffocating fog of sleep over my mind, but I knew they were different. His voice wasn't the same. Very similar, but somehow, different.

It was darker, heavier. Like I couldn't breathe. Something I'd never forget. I couldn't breathe without smelling him. I couldn't ignore those words, even if I couldn't hear them.

His hands held my head between them. Holding, squeezing painfully, pinning me and I was petrified. I sensed the danger through every part of me, just like I always did, and I couldn't look away. Fear stole my breath, and I felt seconds from either passing out, or throwing up. The crushing weight of both terror, and hopelessness speared me to the spot.

There wasn't anyone to save me. Again, I was alone, and what Jack had in mind, I read loud and clear in those eyes. I felt every second, the way his fingers knotted in my hair.

Just like so often before, I woke up panicking.

Literally fighting free from the weight of sleep, fighting whoever had woken me. A deep gasp just barely audible through the sound of my heart pounding in my ears was still echoing when I sat straight upright. I fought hard to catch my breath, like I actually hadn't been breathing.

I felt strange. I looked around myself in my room, but not a single tear fell. This dream had been intense, and new in so many ways, but I wasn't crying. I wasn't crying, but I could easily tell it wasn't Jasper's doing, keeping my emotions at bay. I knew the difference.

My breath stuck, like breathing glass in my throat. Even causing me pain with the attempts. It was audible. I was awake, but I still heard his whispers. I still felt his hands. I still felt the pressure of his grip on my head.

How could it be possible? How could my mind do that?

Just a dream, I had to tell myself. It was only a dream. I had to look around before I would even fully believe I was still in bed. I had lost my grip on reality for a second.

I finally remembered that there was someone with me. It was Esme, with Carlisle standing behind her. I wasn't sure I liked it when I reacted a way I never had before. As I caught my breath, I looked toward my window.

Outside, the rain dumped. Loudly pouring off the ledge over it. I wanted that, so I climbed off the bed, and crossed the room to open the window. I ached. I hurt in the worst ways, but I still wasn't crying. I took a second at the window, appreciating the smell of it and the way the breeze cooled my overheated skin.

"Are you okay, honey?" Esme asked gently. I was having some trouble. I didn't know. I knew she could read my confusion on my face, which was probably what prompted her to ask.

"What is it, Leandra?" Carlisle asked, concerned as well. I looked at him next. I didn't even have the words to describe what this was, so I just returned to my bed and laid back down silently. It was weird for me not to talk, especially after a dream like that, but I didn't know what else to do. I honestly didn't know how to explain it.

Maybe I'd just reached some kind of limit. Maybe I finally just realized it was pointless to react? I doubted that. The fear was still there. I closed my eyes as Esme reached over and gently smoothed my hair away from my face.

Now more concerned, her hand returned to my forehead. Her hand felt colder than usual, so I knew what she was worried about.

"Are you feeling okay?" She asked. I took a breath and nodded. Outside, I felt too warm. Inside, I was frozen.

Despite the way I ached, I had to go back to sleep. I couldn't stay awake like I wanted to. My head hurt too much to stay awake. Only to wake up twice more during the night, in a similar way.

Still no tears. I wasn't even tempted to cry.

My dreams were doing something else weird, too. Every other bad night I'd ever had, the nightmares would change. Tonight, though, every one of them were the same. The same pain, the same scenario.

I felt like complete crap the next morning. I felt sick with emotion, and it wasn't easing. It had been a long time since I'd felt this bad. I honestly wasn't sure what to make of it anymore. I was stuck in a self-inflicted numb, and the numbness made me a lot more tempted to just accept whatever fate I had.

"Leandra."

"Huh?"

I hadn't even noticed Esme had been trying to get my attention. I still had that headache that had sent me to bed the night before. It wasn't getting any worse, but it wasn't getting any better.

"Aren't you hungry?" She prompted, and I looked back down at my bowl of cereal. It was still untouched.

"Not really." I admitted, sitting back.

I didn't eat, yet again. I knew I should, but I honestly didn't feel hungry.

After giving up with breakfast, I flopped back onto the couch with a heavy sigh. They didn't get it. I almost couldn't imagine it. How much worse things could be than they were before. I had to face that now.

I was watched very closely all morning, and I knew why. They were worried about me, but somewhere in my mind, I knew that was a bad thing. I hadn't said anything yet, choosing to stay silent about the dream and how badly it had cut me.

I had to consider, though. What if Carlisle was right? What if so many nights of not sleeping that good was impacting me? His concern, though, was part of the reason why I didn't say anything about it.

Something must have changed, though, because Alice landed beside me on the couch. I didn't look over.

"Perk up." Alice smiled. Was she kidding?

Right, I thought. I'll get right on that.

"At least look a little less like your life is over." Alice added. "Everything will be fine." Was that how I looked?

"I'm not falling for it this time." I sighed. "Save it."

"Shorty." Emmett murmured, leading Carlisle down the stairs. "Don't be mean." I closed my eyes. He was right. It wasn't Alice's fault.

"I'm sorry." I sighed. "I'm just.. Edgy, I guess."

"It's okay." Alice replied, hugging me. "I'll forgive you after shopping next weekend." Another one?

I whined, curling tighter into my ball. "I can't think about that right now."

"You'll have fun." She assured me. "You'll see."

"Right now, I think I'd rather be eaten alive by weasels." I mumbled into my ball, and that got a chuckle from Emmett.

"Our little ray of sunshine." He laughed beside me. "Alice, I don't think trying to cheer her up is working."

She wasn't done trying, though.

"Well, if you don't want to go shopping, what do you want to do?" Be left alone?

I shrugged and she sighed. Hugging my curled ball into her side.

"This really doesn't suit you." She pointed out. "Come on. Cheer up." I honestly didn't care if it suited me or not. This was the way I was.

"I would if I could." I replied. "But I can't."

"Nothing is impossible." She countered. "Come on. If you could do anything at all, or go anywhere at all, what or where would you want to do or go?"

I sighed, slightly annoyed. "I don't know. I don't think about stuff like that. I don't have time to think about stuff I want, or places I want to go. I think about too much stuff already." I paused, really thinking about it. Did I even know myself?

"Okay, I want one thing, but I know it's impossible."

"What's that?" She asked, interested.

"I want everything to just stop." I said, closing my eyes. "I just want one day where I don't have to think about anything. Just.. Nothing. Where I don't have to be scared.." I trailed off. She hugged me tighter then.

"I will find some way to make things easier on you." She promised, pulling back. "I will." I sighed, nodding. I doubted it, but it didn't hurt to let her try. If it made her feel better. She stood up, and I watched as she looked to Jasper. He took the hint, and followed her from the room at what could only be described as a determined pace.

"I wish everyone wouldn't worry so much about me." I admitted. "I'm okay. I swear."

"That's why we're worried, shorty." Emmett pointed out quietly. "You're too okay. You're not usually like this after a night like last night."

"Well, I'm fine." I replied. "You guys have more important things to think about." I paused, looking over. "Was Edward here last night?"

"No." He replied, suspicious now. "Should he have been?"

"No." I repeated. "It's nothing. I was just wondering."

"Edward will be here tonight." Carlisle added, and I nodded. I appreciated the heads up. I liked knowing when I wasn't going to be alone in my head. It wasn't even an embarrassment anymore, oddly enough. I was used to it.

"Why haven't you eaten?" Carlisle asked, and I looked down.

I shrugged. "I'm not really that hungry."

"I'd feel better if you eat something." He replied. I knew that.

"Let me try." Emmett suggested. "I can usually get through to her." He wasn't wrong. Carlisle nodded a little, and turned. Leaving him to it.

I sighed, shaking my head a little. Nothing could be done. It was just Emmett and I sitting there. I kept my eyes down, and I knew he watched me. I expected him to start pressing right away, but after a minute or two, Emmett spoke.

"Wanna watch a movie?"

He must have seen I needed a distraction instead of pressure. Maybe it could work.

"Make it a good one." I said, and he grinned.

"Any types you're against?" He asked, and I knew I should be suspicious that he had to ask, but I just shook my head.

"Anything that'll keep my attention." I told him, and he gave me a nod.

Emmett, still grinning to himself, chose a movie. I didn't care what it was at first, but it definitely held my attention.

As it turned out, I really should have cared, given how scary it was. More jumpy-scary, but that wasn't all. It wasn't about realistic things. It was about ghosts and a very haunted house, but I watched it.

About halfway through the movie, I looked over and up at Emmett.

"Can that sort of thing really happen?" I asked quietly.

"Don't tell me you're scared." He smirked.

"No." I muttered defensively. "I'm not scared. I'm just curious." I paused, looking to the TV again. "That's not real. It can't be."

"Of course it's not real, shorty." He told me, and I glanced up in time to see his smirk widen. I didn't like that. It unsettled me.

"I mean, you're real." I went on. "Why can't that be?"

"Okay." Emmett muttered. "I will say for sure that I've never seen anything like that." That was a little more believable.

"And how long is 'never'?" I asked.

"You mean, how long have I been a vampire?"

"I guess."

He laughed. "I've never seen anything like that in over seventy years."

"You're old." I frowned over at him.

"Well, thanks for that." He muttered, shoving me over gently.

"If she thinks you're old, I wonder what she'd say about Carlisle." Rose joined us for a moment, standing beside the couch.

"Why?" I asked. "How old is he?"

"Almost three hundred and fifty." Emmett answered.

"No." I immediately said. "There were people back then? Besides cavemen?" He laughed.

"Yes." Emmett replied. "But next time you see him, ask Carlisle if he owned a dinosaur as a pet. He'll really appreciate that."

"I'm not going to ask him that, grandpa." I grumbled, only to gain a light tickle in response to the name. I squirmed away with a small laugh. "Doesn't it bother you to be so old?"

"Do I look that old?" He asked.

"No."

"Then I'm not bothered." He smiled a little. "Now watch your movie." Taking his advice, I gave him a look before looking back to the TV.

I did eventually have to admit to myself, though. This movie was seriously freaking me out, but distracting me quite effectively. I didn't like the thought that people could still be around after they died. Vampires were different. They were there. I could touch them, but ghosts were creepy.

Though the ending of the movie was nice, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Well, I figured. He'd done what I asked. He'd made it a good one.

I made Emmett pick another movie for after lunch. I still didn't have much of an appetite, but I knew it made Esme feel better to see me at least try to eat. It was the least I could do. I did manage to take a few bites, though. That was effort on my part.

"We'll be going hunting tonight, Leandra." Esme informed me. "Edward will be here, if you need anything." I nodded, letting her know I understood.

"Carlisle told me." I replied, stabbing a lettuce leaf with my fork.

"Bella will be here too." Alice added, joining us. "I would try not to need anything for a little while." Esme gave her a look.

"Ew. I won't." I muttered, and Alice smirked. "They won't even know I'm here."

"We'll be gone all night." Esme continued. "And go straight to the clearing afterwards." I looked up. That was news. I hadn't heard that part before. That part bothered me.

"I won't see you before the fight?" I asked, disappointed. The worry about Jack suddenly moved to the back of my mind, this worry coming forward at the knowledge of exactly how close this fight was. I must have been in some kind of denial before. That denial had cleared now.

"I'm sorry, sweetie." She replied. "This is the easiest way."

"How is that easiest?"

"We don't want to risk it, honey." She answered.

"I thought I still had more time." I whined. "How long am I gonna be alone?" Why was I getting the feeling that plans had changed? It suddenly seemed more complicated than anyone had let on. Maybe now would have been a good time to tell them about my dream? I wasn't sure. It probably didn't even mean anything.

"You'll stay upstairs the entire time." She stressed gently. "We'll hunt tonight and most of tomorrow. The newborns are arriving very early on Friday. We need to be as prepared as we can."

"That long alone?"

"Edward will stay as long as he can." She said. "He and Bella have their own job to do. As long as you follow our instructions, nothing can harm you."

"We need to trust that you'll listen." Alice added quietly.

"What if you don't come back?"

"We'll come back." She assured me. "It'll be really simple, Leandra." I knew no amount of asking would keep them here. No amount of tears could make them stay. I knew that, but I couldn't help it.

"You have to." I mumbled. "You have to come back, okay?"

"We will." She assured again, reaching forward and smoothing my cheek in a very comforting gesture. "Please don't worry." I reached up, grabbing her hand and holding onto it with both of mine.

"I can't help it." I admitted. "I don't want to live with my dad. I want to stay here."

"We'll be fine, Leandra." Alice replied. "I promise." I was on the very verge of panic, continuing to fearfully cling to Esme's hand.

"Don't go." I asked anyway. They had to go, and I knew that, but that didn't stop me from begging. I wasn't okay with this. How could they be so calm about this? I was so sure I'd never see any of them again, completely freaking myself out. Once that denial was out of the way, I didn't care so much about Jack anymore.

There was no amount of assurance they could give me to make it better.

"Leandra." Alice tried again. "Remember how much you worried the first night you had to spend over at Andrew's house?"

"Yeah." I mumbled.

"It'll be just like that." She replied. "Exactly like that. You'll stay here. You can even hang out in my room if you want. It has the best view." She smiled, but I wasn't falling for it. "Maybe watch a few movies, and go to sleep. We'll be back by noon on Friday, at the latest."

When she put it like that, it was a little easier to handle. I didn't accept it, but I could handle it. This would be the longest I'd be alone here since they got back, but as Esme said, as long as I did what they said, I would be fine. I remembered how hard of a time I had getting into this house when they were gone. The doors and locks held solid, so I knew even Jack couldn't get in.

I looked over as both Emmett and Edward entered the kitchen, where I still held Esme captive. Emmett spoke up.

"If it helps, just think of the fight as an extension of the hunt we leave for tonight. We're out hunting. That's all we're doing, shorty."

I took a breath, but forced myself to nod. It was the only choice I had.

From there, I considered ways to possibly make them stay. Maybe if I 'accidentally' hurt myself pretty bad, they wouldn't go? Jumping out a window sounded like a good idea. A lot less painful than getting myself hit by a car, but I wasn't brave enough to try anything like that.

Edward gave me a look, so I squashed those thoughts.

I just really didn't want them to go. I knew why. They were leaving me, and I'd be alone tomorrow. I had strict instructions to stay upstairs, but I knew that would only get me so far. What about dinner? I probably wouldn't be that hungry, but still. I doubted they wanted me cooking something myself.

"Esme's prepared something for you to reheat." Edward answered that one. Dammit, they'd thought of everything.

It was hard for me to say goodbye to them that evening. Knowing I wouldn't be seeing them until Friday, after the fight. Alice was the first to hug me, Jasper right behind her. I wouldn't try hugging him, but I knew he knew how badly this was bothering me.

I wasn't going to make it through this without crying. I barely managed to stay composed through hugging Esme, but I was failing fast as I stepped forward, and hugged Carlisle as tight as I could, which he returned. I fought, but gave up as the first three tears tumbled down my cheeks. Quickly following that defeat, was a round of sobs that wouldn't be contained.

"I feel sick." I sobbed. "Maybe you should stay."

"You'll be okay." He told me gently, no doubt knowing exactly what I was doing. I cursed myself for using the 'I might throw up' tactic multiple times before.

"Don't go." I cried again, actually clinging to him.

"I know." He sighed, and eventually lifted me. "I know.." His quiet voice did nothing to soothe the pain I felt now, or the fear building in my stomach. My cries only intensified, and he held me tighter in response.

I couldn't make myself say the words. The parting words that meant he wouldn't be there to talk to me or wake me up from a nightmare. I couldn't say anything for a solid minute.

"Stay safe." I told him when I could. "Please."

"Don't worry about me. Or anybody else but you. We'll be fine. I promise you." I nodded again, taking a deep breath. "No matter what you did, or what you ever do, we'll always be here." It was like he knew what to say. What words I'd need to hear to make it through this goodbye and hold on until Friday.

I took a deep, very deep breath and held it. Fighting back more sobs as I held my breath before I let it out shakily. He let me down onto my feet as soon as I was ready.

As soon as I stepped back, I was plucked up off my feet from behind. I glanced back at Emmett, giving him a look through still-falling tears as he held me now. Almost immediately, he plopped me lightly onto my back on the couch. I laid there for a few seconds.

"We'll be back, shorty." Emmett chuckled. "You worry way too much for a kid your size." I kicked his arm. His expression dropped in what looked like surprised sadness, but I knew he was just trying to make me laugh. "Ow. You kicked me."

"You picked me up." I accused right back.

"Because it was easy." He countered, dodging another kick.

As fun as that brief moment was, I was still sad. I felt so stupid, but I couldn't help it. They had no idea how much they all meant to me if they could keep telling me not to worry.

"We'll be fine." He told me, seeing the change in my expression. "You'll get a rematch."

"Be careful." I plead quietly as I stood back up.

"You have nothing to worry about." Esme assured me, hugging me again. I clung to her briefly once more. "I know it's hard for you, but please try not to worry about us. We'll be just fine." I was more scared about this than I would ever admit, but I knew they knew it anyway.

"Be good for Eddy." Emmett told me. "He's not the best babysitter in the world." Edward chuckled from his place in the chair.

"And you are?" Edward countered, and I found that amusing.

"I'll be a pain in the ass." I told Emmett. "Just like you." He grinned.

"The last thing we need is another Emmett." Edward chuckled.

"Good deal, shorty." He replied, ignoring Edward and patting my head lightly. Unable to help it, I hugged him as tightly as I could. He sighed sadly, his hand gently rubbing my back. "Aw, shorty.."

I knew then that my begging and tears were wearing on him. Almost right from the start, Emmett had been one of the most supportive and best friends I had here. He hated to see me cry, and would be the first to bulldoze whatever reason I had to be sad with humor and distractions.

I began to really understand how big of a deal this was when he still had to leave. It was more important than giving in and staying behind with me. It was more important than just me, and I was making it harder for him.

At that realization, I forced myself to let him go. Squeezing my eyes shut, I sat back down next to Edward, watching the others leave while they could.

Esme and Carlisle hesitated by the door.

"She'll be alright." Edward assured them now. I knew then that they were just as worried about me as I was about them.

"No I won't." I mumbled to myself.

Ignoring that, Edward spoke again. "I'll keep an eye on her for you tonight."

I hated watching them leave, too. It was hard to stay quiet, and not come up with every tiny excuse to call them back. I almost did, but I kept it to a quiet whimper, watching the spot where they'd disappeared.

It hurt more than I cared to admit to watch them both leave. I knew that had more to do with the fear of abandonment, but a good amount of that was worry for their safety. I wanted them to come back more than anything.

"You're being very mature about this." Edward pointed out, and I just sighed, calming down. It wasn't by choice. He nodded. "I know, but very mature nonetheless."

"When does Bella get here?" I asked, sniffling, and he smiled a little.

"In about an hour." He replied, and I nodded.

"I'll make sure I'm out of the way by then." I murmured. "Sorry you're stuck here with me." He looked over, smirking.

"Why?" He asked, confused.

"I know you two would probably wanna be alone." I reasoned quietly. "I won't bug you."

"Exactly what do you think is going to be going on?"

"Uh.." I muttered, glancing over. He found the answer in my mind, despite how I shied away from the thought.

"No." He said immediately, shaking his head. "Definitely not."

"Isn't that all guys do with their girlfriends?" I frowned. "That's all guys want, isn't it?" At least that's what I gathered from my mom and her boyfriend.

"Not the right guys."

"And where are those?"

"It bothers me that you know about that." He admitted, his eyes on the TV.

"Everybody knows about that." I countered. "And I'm not stupid."

"I never said you were." He sighed. "But no. That won't be happening."

I shrugged a little, looking to the TV also. That did make me feel a little better. Uncomfortable, but a little better.

"And to answer your other question, they're all around you." I frowned a little. "If you want an example of a right guy, look around. If you're ever wondering how a lady is supposed to be treated, take a look."

I understood what he was talking about then. How Emmett treated Rose, or Jasper treated Alice. They definitely didn't act like that was the only thing on their mind. Emmett did now and then, but that was just him showing off. I knew that, and that it made Rosalie feel better about herself.

"You're observant." Edward smiled a little.

"I've been told." I replied.

"No, there is more to a relationship than.. That." He told me. "It's about who you want to see beside you every moment you exist."

"I'm ten." I reminded him, looking over at him and he chuckled. "Tone it down a bit."

"I suppose you do have a few years to learn, don't you?" He laughed, and I shrugged a little.

"If I even do at all. I don't ever want a boyfriend." He looked over. "I don't need one."

"I sincerely hope you change your mind one day." He told me. "What you're saying sounds like a very lonely life. Believe me."

"So?" I shrugged again. "Maybe I'm supposed to be alone my whole life."

"Nobody is meant to be alone." He replied. "I firmly believe there is someone out there for you. If I could find mine, believe me, someone like you will find hers."

"Someone like me?" I asked, looking over. "What do you mean?"

"Someone who's seen nothing but the worst in people." He explained, not at all put off by my obvious offense. "Someone who deserves nothing but all the love and kindness in the world. Somebody out there will show you just how priceless you are. More than we ever can. They'll look beyond your flaws, and prove to you that you're worth it. They'll be patient, and they'll make you smile."

"Oh." Was all I said, looking back to the TV with a sigh. "Probably not."

I really didn't want one. I didn't even want to imagine having one. It bothered me on a deeper level than I was used to.

"Well, whatever. I'll still stay out of your way." I hesitated for a moment. "That talk took a weird turn."

"My, you sure are amusing." He pointed out, chuckling. "Very entertaining."

"So I've heard." I repeated, laughing along with him. "If you spent longer than thirty seconds around me, you'd know it."

"That certainly came out of nowhere."

"I'm good at that." I replied. "How do I keep surprising you?"

"You don't always say what crosses your mind." He chuckled. "Sometimes, you think something, but say something completely different. It's the oddest thing."

"If I just said everything I thought about, I'd probably be in a whole lot of trouble." I muttered, crossing my feet in front of me.

"You have a strong filter." He agreed. I knew what that meant.

"Sometimes." I added, and he smirked. "I swear. You won't even know I'm here. Well, you might, but Bella won't."

"Well, that's not very fair to you, is it?"

"Life isn't fair." I said. "I'm proof enough of that, and I'm pretty used to things not being fair."

I sighed, leaning back with a huff.

"This sucks." I muttered, kicking the coffee table. "I hate those stupid newborns."

"I can't help agreeing with you on that one." He replied. "I'd offer to take you with me, but I'm afraid it may be too cold for you, and I'll most likely be pretty distracted."

"Why not just stay here with Bella?" I knew about his plan to take her elsewhere during the fight.

"It's a little complicated." He admitted, and I sighed. I knew that meant that he didn't want to get into the full explanation. Either that, or he was doubting my ability to understand, which I doubted.

"Definitely not." He answered my thoughts. "I know you can understand, I just don't want to give you more to worry about." That made sense. "Your mind is already extremely burdened."

"I've gotten better, haven't I?" I asked quietly.

"In a way, yes." He allowed. "But Carlisle is concerned that it's all only being suppressed."

"What's that mean?"

"That you're burying it, instead of dealing with it." He explained. "Working through it by talking about it is the only way. The fact that it's so easy for you to choose to not talk about things worries him."

"It's not like that." I sighed, looking down. "I know I should talk about it, but I'm afraid."

"You don't have to be afraid of Carlisle." Edward murmured.

"I'm not afraid of him." I shook my head. "I've never had anyone try to teach me the way he does. I've never had anyone treat me the way he does. Maybe I just don't know how to be what he thinks I can be. I'm afraid to try, because I know I don't deserve it, and I'll just let him down."

"You're afraid of disappointing him?"

"Not just him." I explained. "Everyone, but him most. All I know how to be is worthless. I don't know how to be worth something. I'm afraid of getting used to it when I know he could change his mind about me any time."

"Leandra," He sighed. "That isn't possible."

"Everyone keeps saying that." I sighed as well. "But it is. He's such a good person. He helps people when they need help. He cares about people. I'm the opposite of that. I hate people, and I hurt them."

"You'll learn."

"But what if I never do?" I asked. "What if I'm stuck this way? I don't ever want him to give up on me, but at the same time, I know he should. I think he's wasting his time."

"Carlisle has never given up on anything." He told me. "And I can honestly say that he wouldn't start with you. Is this why you refuse to trust him completely?" I nodded a little.

"I'm afraid of how much it'll hurt when he finally sees what I see in me." I muttered. "I want to trust him, but I can't."

"And all he wants is for you to see what he sees in you." He pointed out. "Give him an honest chance."

"And what if you're wrong?"

"But what if I'm right?" He'd turned it around. "I know I'm right. There is absolutely nobody better as a father figure than Carlisle." I didn't know how to reply, looking back down. From what I'd seen, he was right, but that didn't mean I wanted to set myself up for disappointment later on.

"You're guarded." He added. "You've been guarded since we met you. Even after everything Carlisle has done for you, you're still doubtful and afraid. Whether you're aware of it or not, you're afraid of him, purely because you've never come across as good of a man as he is. You're afraid of being hurt by him in all the ways Jack has hurt you."

"No." I denied instantly.

"The tone of your thoughts don't lie." He replied easily. "Nobody blames you, Leandra. Nobody blames you for your trust and abandonment issues, as they're understandable after growing up with Jack, but you are afraid of him. Just like you're afraid of me. You don't even realize it, but your instinct is to be afraid. To expect having to fight for your life, or to need to escape."

I winced, looking down. I absolutely hated that he was right. I wouldn't have said that I was afraid exactly, but slightly nervous. Hardly noticeable by now around my family, but obviously noticeable enough for Edward to notice.

"It's your instinct to be afraid, and to see every man as a potential threat to you," He added. "And we're no different. Bottom line, that's what it comes down to. I'm not saying that your reasons for choosing not to trust Carlisle are wrong. There's just more to it than that. You're only trying to protect yourself in every way possible, but I know it'll get a whole lot easier when you let yourself see Carlisle for who he is."

He'd certainly given me a whole lot to think about. Was I really afraid of everyone the way he said I was?

"You are." He confirmed quietly. "Emmett, Jasper, me. That fear is still there. Just not as strongly as you're used to."

It must have been a part of the whole subconscious thing that was mentioned the other day. Instinct came from there, so maybe I had no control over it.

"Exactly." He said. "And all we're trying to do is fix that instinct. Carlisle most of all, because of the role he plays in your life now. He's in charge of you, making him your official father, and that scares you."

Maybe that was the reason why I still clammed up when Carlisle suggested the sleep medication. I hated it.

Edward went on. "The role he plays in your life now.. That tells that instinct that you need to be guarded. Expecting, anticipating. Waiting for him to prove that instinct right every second you're around him, but I can guarantee that you couldn't be more wrong. It'll just take time."

He didn't seem mad at me while explaining all this, but it bothered me to have this pointed out to me. I didn't want to be afraid of them. How fair was that to them? They'd done nothing to wrong me. Just the opposite. I'd known I hated all other men in general, but I never realized I still distrusted my family that way.

"It's involuntary." He assured me. "It's nothing you consciously choose to do. Next time Emmett picks you up or hugs you, pay attention to your reaction. Next time Carlisle or Jasper approaches you, pay attention to the way you tense."

"I guess I'm not as observant as people say, huh?" I mumbled quietly, keeping my eyes down on my hands rested in my lap.

"It's something we've all noticed." He replied. "It isn't just me. You want so bad to trust Carlisle, but that instinct is holding you back from building that trust, and it's killing you. You want to. You do, and we all see it."

"Everyone but me." I pointed out. I felt horrible.

"You're getting better." He assured me. "There has been a lot of progress."

"How do I make it stop? It has to stop."

"Leandra, I'm not going to pretend to be the most educated when it comes to things like this." Edward replied. "But I can tell you this. Looking through your memories, your dreams and your thoughts, they tell me that you need to look closer at them." I blinked in surprise.

"Why the hell would I want to do that?" I asked, shocked.

"Something about them is bothering you." He said. "Not just the fact that Jack did those horrible things. That's not all there is, and you need to figure out what else is there. Your dreams are very deep, Leandra. There is more there than you're willing to see. Something you're denying yourself to see. Nobody can blame you, but until you discover what that something is, I think you're going to keep seeing these things and taking those steps back."

I knew he was right, of course. That's what bothered me the most about these dreams. There was always something there when I woke up, but I didn't know what that something was. Something that bothered me a lot about it, other than the obvious.

"How can I figure out what that is?" I asked, looking up at him.

"That's up to you." He admitted as he stood up. "I can't find the answer for you. I'm not that good. I only see what you show me." I smiled a little, nodding. He told me that all the time.

"You saw him." I pointed out, and he nodded. "At school that day."

"And I admit, I got quite a lot from his thoughts in those thirty seconds, but I don't need knowledge of his thoughts to know what kind of person he is." I stayed quiet, curious, so he continued.

"You can compare Jack to a rattlesnake." He said. "Should he bite, the damage he does long outlasts his presence. You've noticed this." I nodded a little, looking down. "He's bitten you, Leandra. You have that poison inside you, and no amount of covering it up will help you."

Hearing it put that way struck something with me. That was the hardest thing to hear.

"I know." I finally replied. "Believe me." I did know, but hearing it from him was different than hearing it all the time from myself.

"You can't run from it." He went on. "You can't fix it by holding back. Maybe looking closer at everything he's left you with will help you. The truth is, there is only so much we can do for you if you choose to ignore it." As if involuntarily proving his point, I really didn't want to talk about this anymore.

What was I supposed to do when I had no idea how to talk about it?

"I can help you." He offered. "But I won't admit these things for you. The only way to really get it out is for you to face them enough to talk about them."

"No, I get that part." I said. "But.. Where do I even start? It's all just noise."

It really was. When my thoughts got too close to those thoughts and that darkness, it just turned into constant nagging noise in the back of my mind. Underneath everything, it was always there.

I sighed, disappointed that it was there now.

Before I could stop it, just one detail of one part of that noise came through, and my heart reacted. Skipping just a little beat, but nervousness blossomed from the feeling. It was the worst one. I looked over, and Edward was looking at me.

I knew by the way his expression had changed that he'd heard it. He'd heard it too.

"I see." He finally told me, and I knew he'd figured it out. "I get it. Leandra, I'm so sorry."

"I don't wanna talk about that." I admitted, my voice weak.

Without intending to, he'd seen a glimpse at just a bit of what I held back and guarded relentlessly. Just knowing that bit would make everything else painfully clear. A single glance, a single bit of a memory that had slipped through, but just that single bit was enough to let the guilt and sickening shame take over.

"I understand." He nodded. "But I will just say one thing. If that is what's stopping you from letting the rest of those memories out, please don't let it. What happened to you does not make you a bad person. It wasn't your fault."

I sat silently, now tense where I sat. I really didn't want to talk about it. It was a very painful wound I still had, and he was poking at it.

"No, Leandra." He turned a little to face me. "There is so much about those memories that you don't understand. You have it entirely wrong." The pity I heard in his voice only matched the concern in his eyes.

"Please don't." I mumbled with a sigh, and I looked down. I just wanted to shove that darkness back and keep it back there for as long as I could. That's what I'd been doing for so long. It was what kept that self-hatred burning day in and day out. All my insecurities, and that complete lack of self-confidence.

The darkness was what held those things together. The time I finally saw the truth in what Jack was always telling me. It was a lesson I'd learned rather recently, just after my ninth birthday. A lesson I'd confessed to in that stupid dream book that Alice made me start. The same one Andrew had read.

Just thinking about it now was making it really, really hard to keep the rest back. He'd found the button to press to make me face those things. He was about to see things I always hid from him, and he didn't even know it.

"I don't wanna talk about this." I said, a little firmer this time. He had to know how difficult he was making it for me. There's no way he didn't hear it.

"I don't want this to continue." He replied. "There is absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty about what happened." I moved to stand up, but he caught my hand gently. "Just listen. You don't have to say anything, but listen to me."

"There's nothing you can say." I replied firmly. "I hate myself so much for what I did-"

"You didn't commit a crime, Leandra." He countered. "It's not your fault. You have no reason to feel ashamed over something you had no control over."

I sighed heavily, sitting back down since he wasn't releasing my wrist.

"That's all it was." He went on quickly. Falling quiet as a bit more of the memory slipped out. I whined, closing my eyes and turning my face away as I had to bite my trembling lip. I didn't want to face these things, especially with Edward sitting right here.

"Leandra, look at me." He requested, but I kept my head turned. "Really. Look. Do I look like I hate you for what happened to you?" I couldn't. "Do you really think Carlisle would?"

I stayed quiet, but my thoughts were loud.

"He'll understand better than anyone, Leandra." He replied firmly. "You are a child. Jack is the adult. He was the one in the wrong. There is no reason for you to hold one ounce of guilt over what he did to you."

He could tell me that all the time, but the proof I'd seen myself and the memory of Jack's reaction to that proof was stronger. It told me everything I needed to know and it kept me in the dark. He could tell me that every day for the rest of my life, but until I had proof that backed up what he was saying, I would probably never believe him.

"That's the poison, Leandra." He pointed out quietly. I shook my head a little, and I knew he understood. I refused to discuss it. He wasn't going to get anywhere pressing me about it. All it would do is cause more guilt when I couldn't give him the answers or responses he was looking for.

Obviously catching on, he sighed.

"Bella and I will be leaving around noon tomorrow. You'll be alone after that. You'll be okay here?"

I really wasn't sure about that, and I knew my hesitation alone was enough to make him look harder. Although by now, I was convinced it'd just been a dream brought on by stress. Just like Carlisle had said.

"Why didn't you bring this up before?" He asked quietly.

I didn't want to distract them.

"Regardless." Edward replied, a little more tensely. "Be very careful. Last night's dreams didn't follow your normal pattern. That could mean something significant. If he does come here, just stay out of sight. Keep the doors locked, and stay inside."

I nodded, taking a breath. I hesitated only briefly, and without another word, I left the room. I had absolutely no intention of leaving my room again for any reason until I was sure I wouldn't have to face him again.

My insecurities were pissed off, making me beat myself up relentlessly as I crossed my room and sat beside my still-open window. It was open as wide as it would go, just to let as much of a breeze into the room as I could. I'd forgotten to close it earlier, but I was grateful for it now.

My mind was driving me nuts. Pissed off as well by the way Edward had just tried to ruin the precarious way my thoughts were buried. No matter how badly I wanted to, I could never let those thoughts out. Edward was wrong.

I eventually moved to my bed. This headache was starting to bug me, and I had a feeling it had a lot to do with my lack of sleep. As afraid to sleep as I was, I needed it. So bad. So I quickly pulled on some pajamas, and settled into bed to think some more.

How must that have been for them to know I was still afraid of them? Involuntary or not, I still felt horrible. I didn't want to be afraid of them, even if I never noticed it. They had noticed it, and that was enough.

Maybe there were things I had noticed. The way my heart would sink just a little, but I always thought that was caused by being startled. The hugs. As much as I allowed them, and even returned them sometimes, I always broke them first.

Maybe there was a reason I only allowed Esme to hold me. Maybe I needed a replacement mom like her, but I did see how I hard it was to give Carlisle that kind of chance because the one father I'd grown up with had hurt me so bad. My mom was pretty much out of the way the entire time, so it was almost easy to give Esme a chance. Jack was always there, and Carlisle was trying to take that role. Carlisle's job was a lot harder.

I sobbed a little in frustration, covering my head with a pillow.

Carlisle was trying so hard, and I did know that, but I was afraid. I had to admit. Edward was right. It was about more than worrying about letting him down. It wasn't just me worrying about disappointing him. Like I'd never be good enough. I had no choice but to face that now.

If I was here permanently, I had to change things. I couldn't keep hurting them by being afraid. I knew for a fact that they'd never hurt me in any of the ways Jack had. I had to convince my instincts of that, but how was I supposed to change the way my instincts felt? I'd spent my whole life building those instincts. I didn't know how to change them.

Maybe being aware of it would be enough? This whole thing was a whole lot harder than I ever thought it would be in the beginning, but I had to think about it. Really think. By some miracle, I was still alive. I'd survived and endured so much. Why the hell was I going to waste that by being afraid of the same ones I owed my life to? Especially Carlisle. It was beyond stupid.

I needed to change that.

My thoughts moved on. I didn't know how to feel about the fact that Edward now knew a piece of the darkness I lived with. There were a lot of things hidden back there, but he had a piece of it now. I really hated that another person now knew it. I should have been more careful, but I just had to trust that he wouldn't tell anyone else.

He said it hadn't been my fault, though. The conversation we'd had about it, as brief as it was, wasn't at all how I'd imagined it would be. I had to think about that too. I'd expected maybe some laughter, or at least disgust. There was none of that.

My head still buried under the pillow, I closed my eyes when they got too tired to stay open. After the last few nights, I desperately needed sleep that lasted longer than thirty seconds. I actually doubted for a minute that I'd ever find sleep, but I must have.

I jumped, startled awake several hours later, surprised at having fallen asleep.

One glance told me it was just Edward, so I sighed, laying back down. Watching as he closed my bedroom window. I felt a little bad that I'd left it open yet again, but he didn't seem to mind.

"I'm sorry I startled you." He told me.

"It's not hard to do." I mumbled into my pillow. What time was it? I looked over, glancing to the clock. It was very late. The brightness that made it through the window proved what time it was before Edward closed the curtains. Effectively hiding me away.

God, how long had it been since I'd slept that long? I'd completely wasted the entire morning, and I had no memory of it.

I heard him laugh quietly. "I just wanted you to know that we're leaving now. Remember what Carlisle told you."

"I know." I said, looking up at him as he came to stand beside my bed. "Stay upstairs. Don't even look outside."

He nodded. "We'll all be back here before you know it."

"I already know it." I muttered, which was true. "I need another chance. To stop being so selfish."

"Leandra, you're not selfish." He replied. "And you'll get that chance. I promise you."

"You sound like Carlisle when you say that." I smiled a little and he smiled as well.

"Thank you." He gave me a nod, and I knew that was a pretty big compliment.

I watched him turn, leaving. I didn't hear another sound after he closed my door gently, but I didn't need to to know he was gone. I hated knowing I was here alone. Especially after that dream.

I didn't remember dreaming while I slept, which was an unspeakable blessing. Maybe I could get through these next several hours. All I had to do was hold my breath and hold on. For an entire day, I realized. A tension was there, though, that I couldn't ignore.

Please, I thought, closing my eyes. Don't take too long.

A/N: As you guys have probably noticed, I attempted to release this chapter earlier, but I removed it, because I figured out what was bugging me about it at the very LAST second. I had my timeline all freaking wrong, but hopefully, I fixed it in time. :( Forgive me?
THANK YOU! To those AMAZING REVIEWERS! You don't even know.
I expect a lot of emotions coming at me from you guys in Eleven, though. It'll be a mixed bag of everything, I think. We'll see what happens. It's looking like it'll be the last in the story, but I'll do my best to make it a good one. For now, I also need to sleep lol
Until Eleven, my friends!