Confessions Of A Gold-Digger

#10. Us, The Suicidal Ones

"Why don't you shut up and do what I tell you to do?" Gokudera snapped. He was trying to force me to solve some past VBHS entrance papers to see what level I'm at.

He was getting on my nerves.

"Why don't you shut up and fuck off?" I said. I did not want this. Just no, no, no!

Hard workers never won. I bet I was a hard worker in my last life. I bet hard work drove me to suicide.

"A Lady shouldn't use such vulgar language." We were in my room in Tsuna's house.

"I didn't know having a vagina came with terms and conditions!" I screamed.

"You're going to be Lady Vongola one day. You need to control your tongue!" Gokudera snapped.

"Do you even hear me? I'm not marrying your boss!"

Gokudera exhaled deeply, counting till 10. "Just, why don't you want to learn?"

"Because it sounds like hard work. I want to be a gold-digger so I don't have to work a day in my life."

"You know how hard it is to be a gold-digger? You have to strip away your dignity."

"There's no dignity in being poor."

Gokudera took out his pack of cigarette to calm himself.

"Why do you want money so much?"

"Why do you smoke so much?" I asked.

"Tch. It's who I am." Gokudera said.

"Well, then the same goes for me."

Gokudera studied me carefully. "My stepmother was a gold-digger, married for money, and she had to just watch helplessly from the sidelines as my father had an affair with my mother."

"Well," I inhaled sharply. I knew this was a sensitive issue for him. "I plan to kill all my husbands so heartbreak is the least of my problems."

Gokudera grinded his teeth. He finally lost it. "Why are you like the way you are, you freak? You are smooching of Tenth's generosity and you're such a bitch!"

But I calmed down because I remembered who I am. I love who I am. "You can call me freak or fugly or freeloader or bitch. If you call me a penguin I won't become a penguin. The same goes for all the names you or anyone else calls me. If you call me fugly, it speaks more about who you are as a person than it does about me."

He pulled out his dynamites and looked like he was about to blow me up. But then he stormed away.

I slapped Yamamato. He looked like he was expecting it.

The entire crowd gasped.

"Elena!" Tsuna looked shocked. He had just rescued Yamamoto from his suicide attempt.

You read the manga right? The part where the moron was about to jump off the building because he broke his hand from practicing baseball too hard?

I dragged Yamamato to a secluded place in the school (aka the roof). He was quiet the entire time.

"You moron. I don't care about the pep talk Tsuna gave you but what you were about to do was a billion kinds of wrong! Suicide? Because of some stupid game?"

Yamamato quickly lost his cool. "You wouldn't understand! Baseball-"

"Let me rephrase that. Suiciding over anything is stupid. It's hard and I get it. Maybe I don't get it. Your pain is unique to you. But…. Us humans? We're fighters. We didn't survive because we're the strongest or the best. We survived because we adapt. We take any bullshit that life throws at us and we make it our bitch. We try and we fail and we fail and we fail. Life's messy and fucked. But every time we fail, we fail better. Because failing is a billion times better than quitting. Because hope is all we have. Because life is infinitely better than the alternative. " I inhaled sharply.

He was quiet.

I probably did not handle that well.

I took a step back. "What I'm trying to say is.. Get help. Talk to someone. You can especially talk to me. Us suicidal people need to stick together."

"You..?" Yamamoto asked.

"It's a funny story," I said. I didn't know why I killed myself. How could I judge him? "Look, I'm sorry. My outburst was uncalled for."

Then I quickly ran back to Tsuna to check if he got any injuries from the fall.

Gokudera popped into my room out of nowhere.

"Look, who finally showed up." I said.

Gokudera put his pack of cigarettes in front of me. "We are more than just who we are at this moment. I am more than a smoker. You are more than a gold-digger. For every day you train or study with me…"he exhaled sharply. "I won't smoke on that day."

I studied him carefully. He was really determined to help Tsuna by training me.

His words triggered something in me.

To be honest, I enjoyed economics and business studies. Plus, I wanted to get into that billionaire's school.

I smiled. "You're right. We're more than just who we are right now. You're gonna be the best damn right-hand man ever and I'm going to be the richest economist/gold-digger ever."

Gokudera smiled. And, for a few seconds, our storms were in sync.

"But, Barbie, to get to there you need to be dedicated, hard working-"

"Way to ruin the moment, Takohead."

Step #14: If someone calls you a horse, does that mean you're a horse? If someone calls you awful, does that mean you're awful? Think about it. Know who you are.