Dean wakes to the smell of breakfast, bacon sizzling in the kitchen. His side twinges from sleeping on the floor and his legs are tangled in blankets. He looks up to check on Sam who is already awake, blanket pulled up to his chin and eyes dark and tired. Sam doesn't look like he's slept yet, his eyes are dark and he's yawning. Dean ruffles his hair, feeling bad for putting Sam in this situation. If he was home this never would've happened. If he called dad more, forced him to come home. Dean tries not to think about it. He needs a shower and he's hungry.
"Rise and shine, Sammy," he says getting up. He begins to fold his blankets and Sam watches from the bed. Sam is quiet as Dean prepares for the day, fishing for a clean outfit and grabbing a t shirt for Sammy. They need to grab his things today so he has a clean tooth brush and clothes.
"It's Sam," he hears after a long silence. He smiles and places the shirt and clean socks on the bed. Nothing else will fit him, but at least he won't have to feel too smelly.
"Yeah, I know. I'm going to shower but you can go ahead and eat if you're hungry," Sam rolls around toward the wall and pulls the blanket over his head.
"I'm not hungry," Sam's voice is muffled by the sheet but Dean can hear the anger. He wants to tell him to eat but he's not feeling too hungry himself. He's not feeling much of anything, but he needs a task, something to keep him moving.
"I'll get you some water, then," he walks downstairs, hearing the sounds of Cas cooking. Bacon is sizzling and Cas is grabbing plates. It smells good but Dean's not sure he can eat today. He should tell Cas to spare the effort but he knows just the act of cooking calms him.
The warm water feels good, like it can wash away the guilt and stink of yesterday's bad news. He takes longer than he should, listing out each task he has today. The dishes need washed and put away, floor swept, vacuum run, and laundry done. They need to drive to the apartment to pick up Sam's belongings. Dean's not sure what to do about the apartment and hopes death can nullify a lease.
He scrubs his chest a little hard thinking about Dad, thinking about how he was having a good time while Sam was alone. He rubs until his skin is red because who knows how many days Sam went without a lunch, how hard it must have been on him to prepare his own meals because Dad never cooks. Dean's chest is aching when he moves to the rest of his body and tries not to think about Sammy walking home alone. No one home to keep him safe at night. He resists the urge to throw the shampoo bottle at the wall.
He wants to hit something, to hit Dad, to hurt himself for leaving Sam. He should have paid more attention, should've tried harder to check up on his little brother. It's his job, his responsibility to keep Sam safe. Sam walked to the hospital alone, he talked to the doctors who knew he was too young to be there. Dean should've been home but instead he was letting Cas touch him and he enjoyed it. He should have paid more attention to Sam.
Dean tries to stop thinking as he shuts off the water and towel dries. He needs to clean today, cleaning he can handle. He dresses, putting on his own clothes instead of Castiel's uniform. His shirt is worn but comfortable, small holes lining the collar and shoulders. Cas would hate it, he has a thing about things being clean and neat. Dean wants to hate himself for liking Cas, for getting so close to him. Just another way he messed up.
Cas is plating food when Dean finds his way to the kitchen. There are pancakes, eggs and bacon, Dean's favorite foods. His stomach makes a noise at the sight but he feels sick thinking about eating. Cas sets plates at the table and looks up at him with a smile. His eyes are bright and inviting and Dean stares for a moment. Living with Castiel is like having a house wife, except he's kinky and paying Dean for sex.
"Foods ready if you and your brother are ready," Cas is already sitting at the table, picking up a neatly laid fork from the table. Dean sits across from him and stares at his plate. It all looks so perfect, pancakes a nice golden brown color and egg yolks intact. The bacon isn't burnt either. Dean's never been a great cook, but he does what he can for Sam. That was before though, when he wasn't a fuck up. He stares down at the food and wills it away so he won't have to feel guilty about not eating.
Dean can feel Cas watching him as he cuts apart his eggs, shredding them into small pieces as yolk spreads across the plate. The yolk soaks through his pancakes, ruining them, and spreads across his bacon. He moves the pieces around, thinks about eating a bite, and drops his fork instead. He sips his water, remembering he needs to grab a glass for Sam before he begins cleaning. Cas has stopped eating and is watching Dean now, eyes almost sad and Dean doesn't like the way it looks. Cas always looks best when he's confident.
"I'm not feeling well," he says. Cas nods like he understands.
"Go ahead, I'll clean up in here," he waves his hand for Dean to leave. Dean's grateful for the excuse to go but doesn't want to leave another mess for Cas to clean up.
"I got it," he says, scraping his plate and turning to the sink. He washes his plate and the pans Cas used, a mixing bowl and some measuring cups. It feels good to clean. Cleaning gives him something to focus his energy on, lets his mind wander. Cas stops his hand from grabbing another cup, hand firm over his own.
"I've got this, go check on your brother," Dean nods. Cas is being nice but Dean wishes he would punish him. Wishes he would use the whip he has hidden or tie him up leave him there. He wants to feel pain, wants anything to take the edge off.
Sam is sitting in bed, hair a mess but he's changed. Dean hands him a bottle of water and a plate of bacon. Sam stares at the plate a moment before chewing on a piece. Dean feels relieved seeing him eating, it's good. He gathers Sam's dirty shirt and socks, piling them with his own dirty clothes and towel to prepare a load of laundry. The nice thing about Castiel's house is he doesn't have to pay each time he needs something washed.
"How come everything here looks so old?" Sam asks. Dean laughs at that because it was his first thought when he moved here.
"He likes this stuff, I guess," he says. He doesn't think he's ever asked Castiel about it before, but he's curious too.
"Really?" Sam asks, holding up the corner of his floral comforter. One brow is arched like he can't believe anyone in their right mind would enjoy having flowers printed on everything.
"Yeah, it's like his version of a car. We like muscle cars, the oldies. We fix them up and show them off. It's the same thing except he has a kitchen and some old sheets," Dean says. He gathers his basket of laundry, ready to start a load.
"Well he's still weird," Sam says. Dean laughs, at least Sam doesn't hate Cas. Dean leaves him to finish eating and makes his way to the laundry room in the basement.
Cas is reading a stack of papers in the family room with the TV on. Dean assumes they're the ones Cas is supposed to fill out for temporary guardianship while he waits to hear from a social worker. Dean wishes he was old enough to just take Sammy himself. He could get a real job and Sammy won't have to think about Dean here with Cas. Dean hates that his brother can read him so easily. He's never been able to lie to Sammy, so he hopes he can continue to hide the truth behind his situation for as long as possible.
Dean starts cleaning the kitchen, sweeping the floor and wiping the counters down. He tries not to think about Dad or how much he screwed up this time as he scrubs pancake mix from the counter. Cas raises an eyebrow at him as he begins cleaning the family room, starting the vacuum. He vacuums most of the first floor, taking extra care of each corner, lost in the task. He finishes and tries to think of something new to do. There's not much to straighten up because Cas is clean and doesn't keep clutter around. Once Dean finishes changing the laundry he realizes he has nothing left to do. He's barely killed an hour.
Cas has finished filling out papers when Dean returns from the laundry room. He watches as Cas places them in a folder. He'll have to return them soon so this is a good opportunity to ask Cas to take Sam and him to the apartment to gather Sam's clothes. Dean can kill some time clearing the apartment of their belongings. There's not much though. Everything Sam owns can be packed in a duffle bag and Dean already has everything he owns. All he needs to do is clean out the fridge, whoever moves in can keep the furniture.
"Going to the police station?" Cas looks up at his from the couch.
"Yeah, it's best to get this out of the way as soon as possible," he motions to the folder.
"Would you mind dropping Sam and I off at the apartment on the way, he has a lot stuff he needs to grab still," he tries not to fidget so much as he asks, hands playing with the edge of shirt. "Plus we need to clean it up a little and call the landlord."
"I can help," Cas offers but Dean shakes his head. He doesn't need Cas doing anything else for him, he already owes him too much.
"Nah, its fine I can handle it," Dean runs a barefoot over the carpet, watching his feet instead of looking at Castiel. "We just need a ride is all," he says.
"That's fine, I'll warm up the car if you want to get Sam," Cas says, getting up. Dean moves from his position against the wall towards the stairs but Castiel stops him, hands on his shoulders.
"Are you okay, Dean?" he looks at Dean like he's trying to solve a puzzle. Dean looks away at a painting on the wall. He nods, but it's not good enough. Can turns his head towards him and Dean doesn't want to be stared at. He can feel his cheeks warm and his eyes burn. He swallows and shifts his weight.
"Yeah, I'm okay," Cas looks like he's going to say something else, or ask another question, so Dean pulls his hand away from his cheek and walks away. Dean can't stand Cas looking at him so sincerely. He doesn't need anyone pitying him right now, what he needs is to check on Sam.
Sam is in the same spot on the bed when Dean goes to his room. The plate his empty and his bottle of water is too. He looks up when Dean walks in.
"We're going to grab your stuff if you're ready," Sam shrugs but gets out of bed anyways. He looks so sad that Dean can't help but hug his little brother. It's the first time they've hugged since everything happened and Sam feels taller now. Sam's arms are tight around him, bruising fingers digging into his back. He feels some relief knowing Sam's still here. Dad being gone sucks, it's horrible, but if it were Sam, Dean wouldn't know what to do. He hugs Sam a little tighter before letting him go.
The ride to the apartment is quiet, Dean in the front seat with Sam in the back. He's wearing one of Dean's hoodies because the weather is getting worse, winter creeping in. Dean watches the scenery flick by and tries to remember where the landlord's number is and hopes it's stuck to the fridge. It's raining and Dean thinks it's fitting on a day like this. Cas focuses on the road and doesn't say much, other than asking for the occasional direction. He drops them off at the apartment before heading to the police station.
Dean unlocks the door and welcomes the familiar smell of the apartment. The living room is tidy, as if Sam cleaned it before leaving that day. There are bowls with old cereal by the sink and one of the light bulbs is flickering. Home sweet home, Dean thinks. He starts by washes the dishes, returning them to the cabinet as Sam packs. He could give the bowls to Cas as a gift but they're mostly cheap plastic ones. Castiel's are better, some of them lined with gold and silver.
In the fridge is a bottle of milk and half a loaf of bread, he pitches both and checks the cabinets for any food. The cabinets are empty aside from cleaning supplies and the few dishes they have. Dean wipes down the counters and scrubs the grease off the stove. There's a mess of spaghetti sauce from Sam's efforts to cook on his own. Dean's just happy the kid was eating while he was gone.
Dean checks on Sam and passes Dad's room. The lights are off but he can see Dad's duffle bag on the floor, open and clothes around it. He stopped by but left his bag which Dean thinks is strange. He packs the remainders of John's belongings, trying to not think of John lying in a morgue, and places it in the living room. Sam's nearly done packing as Dean calls the landlord from the payphone outside the building. The landlord wants to meet in person, he says. Dean doesn't want to, he doesn't want to deal with this but there's no one else who can. They walk out and Dean leaves the keys in the door with a note for the landlord saying free furniture hoping it will be the last time he has to see this place. Then, Dean walks Sammy down to the parking lot to wait for Cas.
Cas has been gone a while and Dean hopes he finishes soon because it's cold and the rain isn't letting up. He wishes his jacket had a hood and remembers that it used to be Dad's once. Leather cracked and soft from years of use. Most of his things were Dad's once, same way most of Sam's clothes used to be Dean's. They don't really own anything. Sam is carrying a backpack with his duffle so Dean pulls it out his hands and lets his brother relax a moment. Dean can see Castiel's car round the corner and pull up, wipers moving water around.
"I have a court hearing next Monday," Castiel says when they get in the car. "I'll be able to get you both to class but I might have to drop you off early," he looks over at Dean.
School again, Dean's not sure he wants to go back. He was never good at his classes and he knows he's just going to get shit from everyone. He'd rather start looking for a job, something with a real paycheck and benefits. He can start saving for an apartment if he works, buy Sam some real clothes, and start paying off his medical bills. He starts adding up how much he'll need to save if he wants to afford everything and the numbers make him cringe. Maybe he can work for Cas and get a real job, just until he saves up enough.
Dean carries Sam's bag to his room when they get back and helps Sam unpack his clothes. He puts all of Sam's toiletries in the bathroom with his own. Sam's toothbrush looks old so he should replace it soon. He wonders when the last time Sam visited a dentist was. He pushes Dad's duffle under the bed after considering going through it. He can't bring himself to open it though. They haven't talked about it yet, about Dad, but Dean knows Sam's hurting.
"Want something to eat?" Sam hasn't eaten lunch yet, the trip took longer than they expected. Sam rifles through his backpack pulling out books.
"Yeah that's fine," he says.
"Sandwich and chips fine?" Sam nods, continuing to remove books from his backpack.
Dean leaves Sam, going to the kitchen. Cas is sitting in the living room reading. The house is so quiet. Dean realizes he hasn't spoken to Cas most of the day and it's strange. He feels like he should sit down and spend time with him, let him pet him or get on his knees and suck him off just so he knows he's still willing to work for him. Let him know he can still be good, he's just having an off day. He needs to do something to repay Cas for taking them both in. Maybe later, when Sam is asleep. Last thing he needs is his brother catching them.
He makes Sam a ham sandwich. There's some chips in the cabinet and he spreads a few on a plate for him. He grabs Sam another bottle of water and brings his brother his food. Sam is reading a book when he returns. He lays the plate on his chest and sits the bottle on the floor beside him. Sam idly eats a chip as he reads, finding a stopping point and marking the page before closing it.
"Thanks," he says. Then after a moment asks, "aren't you going to eat?" Dean's hungry, especially after a day of cleaning. He doesn't feel like he can eat though, doesn't think he can stomach the food yet.
He shakes his head and says," I'll get something later, you go ahead and eat."
Briefly he remembers he needs to grab the laundry and brings an armful of Sam's clothes with him. He's sure his clothes needed cleaning if Dad's really been gone weeks. He would rather spare what money he had on food than on cleaning his clothes. Dean feels guilty again, jaw tight and grinding his teeth down. He bites the inside of his lip and thinks about what to do for the rest of the day. He could spend time with Sam but he wants to give his brother some space.
Cas is still reading when Dean passes him in the living room. He watches a brief moment before deciding to pull Castiel's book from his hands and slide into his lap. Castiel's brow furrows, confused as Dean begins kissing his neck. He's not sure why he does it but he thinks he needs this right now, needs Cas to touch him. Cas pushes him off, slowly pulling his hands away from his waist. Dean looks at him confused now because he thought Cas would like the attention. Instead he pats the seat beside him so Dean slides off and sits on the couch. Cas continues reading, but puts an arm around Dean and pulls him to his side. Dean pulls his legs onto the couch and leans into him, enjoying how warm he is.
They stay that way, Dean leaning against Cas while he silently reads. He runs his hand through Dean's hair a few times soothing Dean as he tries not to fall asleep. He should check on Sam again but he's comfortable and doesn't want to move. After a while he hears Sam's footsteps coming down the steps so he sits upright and fixes his hair, smiling at Sammy when he walks to the kitchen with his plate. It's the first time he's left the room voluntarily today. Dean follows him so he can wash his plate and put it away.
"How are you holding up," he asks, drying the plate and putting it away.
"Fine, I think I'll get some homework done later," Dean smiles, Sam would do homework when he should be resting.
"If you need to talk, you can," Dean feels weird offering because it's not something brothers do, at least not something Winchesters do.
"I thought that was considered chick flicky," Sam jokes. Dean laughs and it feels good to laugh and mean it.
"Yeah well I'm breaking my rule for you," he ruffles Sam's hair and Sam flips him off, making him laugh again. "There's a TV in the family room if you get bored," he says. Sam nods.
"He won't mind?" He says it like an insult.
"Nah, Cas is nice, really, he won't mind," he pushes Sam to the family room and even turns on the TV for him. They didn't get too many channels in the apartment but Cas has it all. Sam flips through the channels a while before finally finding something to watch. Dean can't decide if he should stay with his brother or spend time with Cas.
He feels obligated to be with Cas. It was never part of their deal, for Dean to spend so much time with him but after being so disconnected from Sam and his friends Cas is all he knows. He cooks for him, dresses him and takes care of him. Cas is practically his sugar daddy when Dean thinks about it. He could have anything as long as he puts out for it. Using his body for money makes him feel dirty but he can't complain because Castiel is good to him. Cas treats him as if he cares about Dean and not just about sex.
He finally settles into the couch and watches cartoons with Sam. They need to bond and need to heal. Dean wouldn't want to be alone right now and he assumes Sam doesn't either. They don't have to speak for Dean to know how his brother his feeling, he can read it in the way Sam's lips purse tight and his body sags against the couch. He's exhausted.
They don't do much for the rest of the day. Mostly watching TV and passing the time. Tomorrow is a Saturday so they have nowhere to be and Cas will have to make up his shift so they'll have the house to themselves. Dean tries to think of something to keep them entertained and wonders if there are board games hidden anywhere. Knowing Cas there have to be some somewhere. He mentally bets there is a game of clue here somewhere, maybe in the basement. Sam doses off at some point, exhausted from a sleepless night.
Dean carries his brother, who is heavier than he remembers, to the attic and places him in bed. It's around dinner time but he can tell Sam's too tired to make it through another meal. He's tired too, rubbing a hand of his face and through his hair. Sleep would be nice but he has things to do. He wants to talk to Cas about funeral preparations and try to work his way out of going back to school and exchange it for picking up a second job. He flicks off the light to the room and shuts the door.
Cas hasn't started dinner yet when Dean finds him in the kitchen, so he informs him he'll only need to cook for two tonight. Dean thinks he might be able to eat dinner tonight as Cas boils noodles. He's exhausted from a long day and eating might help him feel better. Cas prepares them a simple dinner of spaghetti with homemade meatballs. The food smells great and Dean waits silently at the table while Castiel cooks. He tries to remember if Dad ever talked about a will and wonders if wants to be buried or burned. He can feel the bile in the back of his throat and thinks dinner is a bad idea. Instead begins to talk as Cas finishes up the meal.
"I need to prepare Dad's funeral," he says, pushing spaghetti around his plate. He cuts up the meatball and takes a bite but plays with the remaining pieces.
"I can help if you want," Cas says between bites.
"Thanks. He never talked about what he wanted so I don't know if we should bury him or cremate."
"What would you prefer?" Dean thinks about it for a moment but isn't sure. The idea of having bugs crawling all over him and rotting in a hole in the ground makes his cringe. Cremation it is.
"Cremation, I think," he takes a bite of spaghetti. Dean doesn't know what to do with the ashes though, Dad never had any favorite places other than the bar. He tries for a few more bites of food but feels full fast. Thinking about Dad being burned and turned to ash makes him lose his appetite. Cas is watching him push food around.
"I can handle that if you need, my father was cremated," Dean realizes it's the first time Castiel ever talked about his parents. He wonders how he passed and hopes it was old age. He wants to protest because this is his responsibility, but he doesn't know where to begin when it comes to this.
"Thanks," he says, truly thankful Cas is so willing to be helpful.
"Are you ready to start school again?"
Dean shrugs, twirling a noodle around his fork. "I was thinking I should get a job instead and start saving up for my own place. We can't really live here forever, and having a second job would help," he doesn't look at Castiel.
"No I suppose not," Cas sounds a little off, likes he's angry, but Dean doesn't want to look at him right now. "But school is important, it can help you begin a career." Dean's so tired of the college speech but he doesn't have the energy to argue.
"Fine," he says, leaning back in his chair.
He abandons his plate, thinking over everything he needs to do. Dad didn't have too many friends, none that Dean's ever met. He wouldn't know how to contact them even if he knew them. He knows people usually spread the ashes somewhere but he can't think of a place Dad would like to be. He hardly knows anything about the man, where he used to go or even what he did. John was practically a stranger to Dean. He sighs, wishing it would all just go away and he can get on with his life like it never happened.
Cas clears his plate for him without mentioning that his meal is still there. He feels bad wasting food because they struggled just to eat most days. Cas leaves it in the fridge for him in case he gets hungry later. Dean wants to help clean up because that's his job around here and he needs to do what he can to thank Castiel. He starts for the sink, grabbing a plate and turning on the water but Castiel turns it right back off. He looks at the older man, confused.
"I'll handle it, go relax," he says with his stern voice, like he knows Dean wants to wash it anyways. It's an order though, so Dean goes into the family room to watch whatever cartoon Sam was watching earlier. Cas finds him and takes the seat beside him, allowing Dean to curl to his side while they watch.
Cas is petting Dean's head again and Dean is itching for his hands to be somewhere else. He wants bruises and welts from Cas, wants to feel him inside him. He needs to feel something other than the guilt inside, needs to be punished for dropping the ball and not taking care of Sam like he should. He feels around until he's rubbing Castiel's groin and gets his hand slapped for it.
"Ow, what the hell?" He rubs the back of his hand which stings. This is what he wanted though. To get Cas angry so he'll punish him or push him around a little.
"Not tonight, you need to rest," Cas says. His voice is soft though so Dean doesn't think it's an order. He slips his shirt off and drops it on the floor, which he knows is going to annoy Castiel. He notices him eye the fabric on the floor but he doesn't do anything about it. Dean's annoyed now because he needs Cas to react, needs him to spank him, anything to make him feel something other than the guilt.
"Please," he says, crawling into the older man's lap. "I can make it good," he whispers close to Castiel's ear, voice low. He kisses his neck, but just like before, Castiel pushes his hands away. He's watching to the show, ignoring Dean and it pisses him off. He's offering himself up and getting nothing. Maybe Cas doesn't like him anymore because of this, what if he's never going to touch Dean again, or let him work for him. Maybe he'll just make Dean his maid and Dean doesn't think he wants that.
He tries harder this time, kissing Castiel and grinding against him. Cas reacts this time, picking him up and walking him to his room. Finally, Dean thinks, he holds onto to Castiel as he carries him. Castiel drops him on his bed and begins pulling down the sheets, bringing them over Dean, up against his chin. Cas turns off the light and slips into bed beside him, draping an arm over Dean but doesn't make a move. Dean waits, thinks somethings going to happen but Cas just lays there.
"Why won't you fuck me," Dean says. He feels like a whore for asking but he needs to be touched so badly he doesn't care.
"Dean, you've hardly eaten or spoken today. You're hurting and this isn't what you need right now, what you need is to sleep and heal," Cas pulls him in closer, leg tangled over Deans, chests pressed together. Dean likes this but what he wants more is to hurt but Cas won't give him that.
He turns away from Cas, annoyed but wanting to stay close. Cas keeps an arm around him, hand light as it brushes across his chest. It's nice. They're spooning and Dean doesn't do this, never for money. He should leave and let Castiel relax but he can't bring himself to leave. His body feels so heavy and his chest feels tight. He thinks about Dad and how Sam is sleeping alone in a house he's unfamiliar with. This is his fault, if he just took care of Sam the way he was supposed to they wouldn't be here. Dad wouldn't need to go out drinking and he would be home cooking Sam dinner and everything would be okay.
Dean's chest shakes as he begins to cry. His throat hurts and his eyes burn, filling with tears that spill and cover the stupid embroidered pillow case. If only he could reverse time, do things the right way then this would never have happened. Maybe if mom was still alive Dad wouldn't have lost his job and started traveling. Sam would have had a normal childhood and Dean wouldn't have to sleep around for money.
His body rocks now as he cries. Cas is petting his hair, pulling it away from his forehead and trying to calm him. He whispers that it's okay and it's really not. Nothing is going to be okay because Dean is always screwing things up. He can hear his sobs and hates the way he sounds, like some child who can't control himself. He curls into himself, pulling the blanket over his head so Cas can't see him. His eyes are closed tight, tears streaming steadily down his cheek, over his nose and onto the bed. He tries to stop but they keep coming.
This is embarrassing, Dean doesn't cry. He supposed to be strong, supposed to be the one that fixes everything but he can't think of a way to make this right. He can't bring Dad back just like he can't bring mom back. Now Sam's probably going to be thrown into the system once Cas realizes he doesn't want to be responsible for Dean because Dean is always making mistakes. Dean fucks strangers for cash and ruins marriages. He's crying harder now, head hurting with the beginning of a headache.
Cas turns him around so he's facing him now. He takes the opportunity to bury his head into Castiel's chest and wraps his arms around him tight. He wishes Cas would have just spanked him so he wouldn't have to feel this. Castiel strokes his back and holds onto him just as tight. He smells good and he's warm. Eventually the crying stops and Dean can feel himself drifting into sleep. It's only eight at night, too early for bed but Dean can't fight it anymore. He's exhausted and his head hurts from crying. Castiel kisses his forehead and holds him as he drifts to sleep.