Chapter 10: A Day Like Any Other.
Maura awoke with a start; the room was drenched in the brightness of the early morning sun, she raised her arm to protect herself from the blinding light and groaned hitting the snooze button on her alarm. Maura had always been a morning person, but not today. Today it was just too early and she teetered on the precipice of sleep, in the place of infinite, enveloping warmth. The place where she didn't have to think of anything, most especially the chaos of the night before and the pain she had inadvertently caused Louise. The sound of her alarm broke the silence once more until, with her eyes still closed, Maura reluctantly dragged herself out of bed and into the bathroom.
With searing water flowing down her back, she remembered the euphoria she had felt stood here, in this shower after her first night with Louise just a few short weeks before. So much had happened in that time it felt like it was a lifetime ago. And maybe it was. Maura knew she was a whole different person now to the one that had stood here on that morning; experience had a way of doing that to a person. But today she felt very different; today she felt embarrassed, ashamed and guilty. The hurt she had heard in Louise's voice last night as she said she'd call her pulled at Maura's heart. She liked Louise; she truly did and would never intentionally hurt her but, by trying to deny her feelings for Jane that was exactly what she had done. There was no going back from this, she knew that, and even if there was, she wouldn't want to; her yearning for Jane obviously ran far too deeply for her to be able to placate it with anyone else.
Wrapped in her soft, white towel Maura began to dress for the day. Looking in her huge closet, she selected a plain black pencil skirt and a dark green satin blouse. As was so often the case with her, she had chosen clothes that matched her mood; dark and sombre, despite the promise of another glorious summer's day. She hoped that, unlike yesterday, she would be able to spend the whole day in the cool, air-conditioned morgue. Finally dressed, with her hair pinned away from her face and minimal make-up, she returned to her bedroom to collect the cell phone that sat upon her dresser.
With trepidation, she unlocked the screen and gave a sigh of relief. She had no notifications of any kind: no messages, no emails, and no missed calls. She considered calling Louise, but for once words eluded her and she had no idea what she should say: "I'm sorry I screamed someone else's name", "I'm in love with someone else" or "I thought I could do this but I can't". There was nothing she could say that wouldn't sound shallow and hurtful; how could she explain that it was herself she had been trying to fool and not Louise. That Louise had merely gotten caught up in her attempts at self-denial and for that she was truly sorry. Deciding she would have to think on it some more, she left for work, certain it was going to be a long, long day.
Sunday in BPD was a hive of activity, just like any other day of the week and the forensics section was no different. Maura strode through the labs with her head held high and her back straight, exuding an air of confidence she did not feel. She glanced around at the techs, all of whom were diligently engrossed in their work and Maura felt a surge of pride for her team. They were the best and she could rely on them to fulfil their roles to the exacting standards she insisted upon. No matter how bad she felt, this place always bolstered her and gave her purpose; it was her sanctuary. Here everything was clear, everything made sense, everything was rational and empirical. Here she was understood and could trust her own judgement.
Maura sat at her desk and booted up her computer, as she watched the small, spinning blue circle she thought of Jane and how her laid back, relaxing Sunday would go. It was just after eight, so Jane had probably just woken up, and Maura shuddered at the thought of the instant coffee she was probably drinking right now. Soon she would be dressing and taking Jo to play ball on Boston Common. Then she'd be going to help Angela with the Sunday lunch Maura would miss out on, and maybe she'd stop at Boston Joe's for some real coffee along the way. Then she'd spend the rest of the day laughing and playfully squabbling with her mother and brothers. Maura hoped that Angela would save her some food and that Jane would still be there when she got home so they could chat and relax together, that at least would rescue Maura's day.
Jane's day, however, was far from the idyllic experience that Maura's fantasised about it being. The days until Casey's return were hurtling downwards and Jane was a mess. She was not adept at dealing with her emotions at the best of times and here she was with not one but two huge emotional problems to contend with. And Frankie really was not helping, he thought he was and she loved him for it, but she needed space to decide on a plan of action, and soon! For what felt like the millionth time since she had confessed her feelings for Maura to him, Frankie pulled Jane aside, away from their mother's prying ears. This time however, Jane snapped pouring all her frustration and confusion into a single diatribe: "Goddamn it Frankie! This isn't as easy as you seem to think it is! It's not as simple as telling Maura how I feel about her, as if that's even simple. There's Casey too! Did you even consider him all these times you've been badgering me! Do you honestly think I can go to Maura, declaring my love for her when I'm engaged to Casey? Well? Do you?"
"I'm sorry Janey, you're right, I never even thought of him." He said leaning against the garage door. "He just never...I mean, he was never around enough for me to..."
"You didn't think I'd actually marry him did you?" She asked shocked at the realisation that Frankie hadn't considered Casey at all in all of this and the implication that her family didn't consider Casey as a permanent fixture in her life that that omission suggested. Frankie didn't know how to react to the question and took a second to think through what he could say without upsetting Jane any further.
"No. He's not right for you, never was. I never even expected things to get this far between you." He finally admitted. While ever Jane had been with Casey and he had thought that he was making her happy, Frankie hadn't wanted to speak his mind about him. But he really didn't like the guy. He treat Jane like crap and she changed so much when he was around, not in a good way either and he was sure that Jane would see the light much sooner than she had. When she had told him that she was going to marry him, he was absolutely dumbfounded, but it was his job to support her, so he said nothing. However, he knew he wasn't the only one who had their doubts over Casey; Angela and Maura certainly did, but neither would ever say so either. Jane's happiness was too important to them all.
"Me either" She conceded. "So, you see, I need to deal with him first. And I'm not sure what's harder. Telling him I can't marry him. Or telling her..." Frankie reached out and pulled Jane into a tight hug, which, no matter how much she squirmed, she could not escape from. "gerroff, you idiot" she grumbled. He kissed the top of her head and released her, for which he was rewarded with a jab to the shoulder and they both walked back into the house, the conversation temporarily forgotten once more.
At six o'clock, as her shift ended, Maura hurried back to the parking garage to retrieve her car. Along the way she typed and sent a text message to Jane letting her know she was on her way home. She desperately hoped Jane would say she was waiting for her, as she almost always did on the Sunday's Maura had to work. Today she needed Jane's friendship more than ever, she needed to talk to her and to just be with her. She knew she couldn't tell Jane why Louise and she had fought, but she was certain that she wouldn't need to. Jane would be there for her, would listen to her and would support her regardless. Almost immediately she received a reply and she smiled 'Ma's warming ur dinner n I've saved u a beer. Cya soon.'
When she arrived home she was surprised to find that Jane was watching TV, alone. Maura was hit by the obvious domesticity of the situation, as if she was coming home to find her partner waiting for her and she had to fight back the urge to say 'Hi honey, I'm home' the way they would in a cheesy movie. Hearing the door open, Jane looked around at Maura, the pleasure she felt at seeing her friend shone from her face.
"Hey Maura, Ma says to tell you your dinner's in the oven waiting for you" Jane said as she flicked off the TV and jumped up from the couch. Maura looked around wondering where Angela was, after Jane's message she expected to see her pottering around the kitchen.
"Ok, Thanks. Where is Angela?" Maura asked as she headed straight to the oven that was emitting such a glorious aroma that her mouth was already watering in anticipation. She hadn't felt like eating at lunchtime and had realised just how hungry she actually was.
"Got a date with Cavanaugh" Jane told her, her tone conveying her continued disgust at the idea of her mother dating anyone, most especially her Lieutenant. "How was your day? Did I miss any interesting cases?" She asked quickly changing the subject before Maura had a chance to give her a lecture about how her mother was an attractive single woman and it was to be expected that she would find a partner. Or how Cavanaugh wasn't a bad choice for her and at least Jane knew she could trust him. Blah, blah, blah!
"It was slow. There were no major deaths that demanded my attention so I spent much of my day doing paperwork." She replied as she served herself a generous helping of Angela's cannelloni and salad, poured herself a glass of iced water and sat at the breakfast bar.
"Boring" Jane sat down beside Maura and faked a loud yawn, she could think of nothing worse than being confined to the desk all day, especially on a sunny, warm Sunday.
"On the contrary, after spending the whole of yesterday afternoon and evening down on Carson Beach, it was quite a relief to spend the day inside." Jane pulled a face, incredulous that anyone, even Maura, would rather spend a day in the office than out in the field. Maura paused while she delicately ate a small piece of pasta. Jane watched her every movement, how her tongue poked out slightly as she place the food into her mouth, how she ran her tongue over her lip, the look of pure pleasure on her face at the taste, the movement of her jaw as she chewed, and Jane was captivated by the pure eroticism of this simple act. "Actually" Maura continued tentatively "it gave me an opportunity to think through a few things."
"Yeah, what?" Jane asked, forcing herself to breathe and look away from Maura for a second, while she tried to get herself together.
"I don't want to go into details, but I've decided not to see Louise anymore" She admitted trying to make eye contact with Jane, who inexplicably seemed to be trying to avoid her gaze. Jane felt a surge of triumph spread through her veins and she was sure she was grinning like a crazy woman; one of the obstacles blocking her way to Maura had been removed! She finally managed, to control herself enough to be able to look at Maura:
"Why? What happened? I thought you two were getting on well?" She asked, the pained look in Maura's eyes, quickly bring her back to earth with a crash. Maura was obviously upset by her decision and Jane felt like a selfish ass for being so pleased that the relationship had ended.
"I don't want to talk about it Jane. But I did something really stupid which upset her and she left." Maura told her as she pushed her dinner around her plate and effectively managing answering Jane's question with the least possible information. She knew that if she said she didn't want to talk about it, Jane wouldn't push her, for which she felt enormously grateful. Between her inability to lie and Jane's interrogation skills, she would have been doomed if Jane did want to push the conversation.
"Did she hurt you?" Jane quizzed protectively, her detective's instincts immediately jumping to the worst possible conclusion and determined that if Louise had she would suffer for it. Nobody hurt Maura and got away with it, too many had already tried for Jane's liking and if she had anything to say about it no one would ever do so again.
"No, of course not! But, still..." She sighed ruefully, wishing that she could fully share what had happened with Jane but if she did that, she would have to admit her ever strengthening feeling for her and she was certain that doing so would irretrievably damage their relationship. Maura acutely remembered the pain she had felt during those few weeks that she and Jane were not talking after Paddy had been shot. No matter that she was the one to instigate the fight; every day without Jane's friendship was a torture that was almost too much for her to bear and she was not prepared to risk going there again. She would find a way to get over this thing, without anyone else getting hurt.
"Are you Ok" Jane asked empathically, knowing from experience how hard breakups were regardless of who did the actual breaking and how Maura struggled to deal with emotional pain. If she wasn't careful, Maura was likely to go on another manic internet shopping spree. The shoes Jane could deal with, Maura would wear them and Jane had to admit that Maura's choice in shoes made her legs look amazing. But if she started buying snorkelling gear or dresses that double as plate, then there was a definite problem and Jane would much rather it didn't get to that.
"Yeah, I just need to work out what to say to her." She replied honestly, it was true that she felt bad about how she'd obviously hurt Louise, but she wasn't at all upset. She hadn't planned for any of this to happen and for once had allowed herself to get dragged along in the current, but now it was over and she could return to reality.
"It's best to be honest Maur" Jane told her gently, echoing the words Frankie had been saying to her all week and feeling like the world's greatest hypocrite for it; she was the last person that should be giving Maura advice when she herself kept procrastinating. Maura picked up her plate of now cold, half eaten Cannelloni and scraped it into the waste disposal. She began to fill the sink with soapy water and Jane silently grabbed a tea towel, once again slipping into a wordless domesticity neither woman noticed.
Once Jane had gone home, Maura continued to put off calling Louise. She had considered taking the easy way out and emailing her, but she decided that that was inappropriate and unseemly and Louise deserved to be treat better than that. She deserved a proper explanation from Maura, it was the least that any decent person would do and Maura wanted to do the right thing. However, the right thing was proving to be very difficult to actually do. Eventually, she decided that she should just go to bed and sleep on it; Louise had said she would call her after all.
Maura was just drifting off to sleep when her phone beeped. In the darkness, she rolled over, reached for the device and with blurry eyes read the three simple words the message contained:
I need you...