Chapter 10: The Consummation
Byakuya groaned and put a hand to his aching head, hating the fact of coming awake to find himself feeling so awful. A moment later, he remembered the circumstances that had preceded the fall into darkness and period of restless sleep afterward.
"Here," Renji said quietly, handing him a cup of tea, "Drink some of this. I put something herbal in that will help take care of that headache."
Byakuya frowned.
"How did you know that I had a headache? I wasn't even awake until just now. And you have tea made already?
Renji smiled.
"You were groaning and holding your head in your sleep," he explained.
"Oh."
Byakuya sipped at the tea, highly aware that Renji was looking at him as though expecting him to fall apart at any moment. He shook his head reprovingly.
"Renji, I am sorry."
"I told you already that you shouldn't apologize. None of this would be happening, if Aizen hadn't done what he did. It isn't your fault. And...look...we don't have to consummate our marriage."
"Yes, we do," insisted the noble, "The marriage will not hold up under clan law unless it has been consummated."
"Then, just say that it has been," Renji argued, "Because, it is more than clear to me that you are not ready to be physically involved with anyone, Taichou. Do you even know what happened to you? What it was like? It was like you were awake, because you were still sitting up and your eyes were open, but you...it was like you went back there...to when it happened. You were screaming at Aizen...telling him that he wasn't going to get away with what he was doing. And...Taichou..."
"I need a moment," Byakuya said, abandoning the bed and flash stepping into the bathroom.
He fell onto his knees, retching uncontrollably. Renji's words about what had happened rang in his head, and something that felt like memory erupted across his beleaguered mind.
"I have one final gift for you. I won't tell you what it is, but when you discover it, you will know."
"Oh!" the noble gasped, retching again.
"Taichou," said Renji from outside the door, "Taichou, open the door. C'mon, I just want to help."
"I am fine," Byakuya managed in a hissing whisper, "Just...give me a moment."
"Okay," the redhead answered softly.
Byakuya dragged himself up off of the floor and went to the sink, where he washed his face and rinsed his mouth. He looked into the mirror at his deathly pale face, and gasped softly as his own face disappeared and Aizen's appeared.
"I told you that I had a gift for you," he said, smirking, "And if you're seeing this, then it means that you discovered it."
"What did you do to me?" Byakuya said in a trembling whisper.
"I don't like sharing," Aizen's voice said, in Byakuya's mind, "So...I have made sure that I am the first, the last, the only lover you will have, from this point on...for the rest of your life. Every time you try to become intimate with a lover, I will come to you. I will be the one touching you, looking into your eyes, kissing you, penetrating you. You will never forget, because I will always be there to remind you, Byakuya."
"Oh...oh, no. He..."
Byakuya realized that Renji was still waiting on the other side of the door, and he shook his head to clear it. He washed his face again and drank another small cup of water before opening the door. Renji studied him with a guarded look that told him that the redhead wasn't just afraid for him.
Renji was terrified.
"Thank you," he said quietly, "I will be all right now."
"Okay," Renji said, waiting, then following as Byakuya walked back to the bed and climbed in again.
He waited for Renji to join him, but the redhead sat down in the chair by the bed and watched him for a moment.
"Aren't you going to lie down with me?" Byakuya asked, meeting his eyes cautiously.
Renji gave him a surprised look.
"What? You mean...after what happened? Byakuya, you just..."
"It's the first time I have been with a lover since then," the noble said, tightening his lips, "It should be understandable that I might have such an episode. But...it is over. And I want very much to be with you...to be with my husband."
Renji's mouth opened, as though he wanted to answer, but he couldn't find the words.
"What would you have me do?" the noble said, his eyes darkening, "Do you want to let that memory overshadow everything? I have to get past this. This...thing...did not happen yesterday. It has been some time. I know that you think that the answer is to not make love. I understand the emotion beneath that, and I do appreciate it, Renji. But...I am never going to be able to move forward without facing this first time."
"I can't hurt you."
"You won't hurt me."
Renji bit at his lips and shook his head.
"Taichou..."
"Byakuya!" the noble insisted, "Renji, stop trying to distance yourself from me. That isn't going to fix this."
"Well, I don't think you forcing yourself to have sex with me is a really great answer either."
"I am not going to force myself," Byakuya said, his dark eyes intense, "Did you not hear me? I want to be with you! It is our wedding night. It is the first night of our marriage. Do you want to let him take that away from us, Renji? Because Aizen Sousuke would laugh at knowing that he can still hurt me! He would take great pride in knowing that he stole the pleasure of our first lovemaking from us."
"But it isn't going to be any pleasure if you aren't ready for this," Renji argued, "Byakuya, I know that the rape happened some time ago. But you swept it under the rug for a long time. I feel bad because I went along with that. I mean, it might have been what I thought was right, but it didn't help you to put off dealing with this."
"Then, let us deal with it," said Byakuya, extending a hand in his direction, "I am not going to get better by avoiding sexual relations."
"You need to...I don't know...talk to someone. You need more than I can give you. I do love you, but I don't know that I'm the person who can help you...or that the answer is to have sex with you. It'll be my first time with a guy, and I'm nervous about that. I don't need to be worrying that I might hurt you."
Byakuya's eyes clouded and he withdrew his hand and let it rest at his side. Renji bit at his lips, tears coming to his eyes as he stood and started to leave the room.
"Where are you going?" Byakuya asked softly, "Are you leaving me alone? On our wedding night?"
Renji stopped, still facing away, and struggling to find something to say.
"I see," Byakuya whispered, "I understand."
He fell silent, just waiting for Renji to take the last few steps out the door. When he finally did, and the door closed behind him, Byakuya swallowed hard and fought down his own tears. He listened to Renji's footsteps as they became more distant, then fled his room, heading out the back of the house, through the greenhouse and into the desert on the outskirts of the small town. He summoned his blade and opened a doorway into the living world.
"Byakuya!" Renji called out from behind him, "Byakuya, wait!"
The noble turned to face Renji, his dark eyes dry and focused.
"What do you want?" he asked in a low voice, "You made your decision. I respect it. But just as you cannot make yourself lie down with me, I cannot stay here and feel the humiliation of being abandoned on my wedding night."
"Don't do this," Renji panted, "Don't just go running off like that...alone! Think about your baby, okay? This isn't good for either one of you. We need to stay together...please."
Byakuya turned away and gazed into the open doorway, his heart aching at knowing that Renji was right, but not able to make himself face the loneliness that Aizen had doomed him to. He felt trapped, frozen between the house and the way to the living world. He wasn't sure how much time passed before Renji's arm curled around his waist, and his hand came to rest on the baby bump on the noble's abdomen. The redhead planted a soft kiss on one shoulder.
"I'm sorry I made you feel rejected. That wasn't at all what I meant to do. But, Byakuya, it would kill me to hurt you. I don't want to hurt you."
"You won't hurt me by loving me," Byakuya answered, turning to face him, and letting the doorway he had opened, close, "And you won't hurt me if you lie down with me tonight. We can...take things slowly and see where they go."
Renji hesitated for a long moment, then sighed in resignation.
"Okay," he said softly, "But you have to promise me. If something hurts, you tell me. I don't want to find out by having you lose it like before. That scared the shit out of me, Byakuya! I can't do that again."
Byakuya hesitated, then nodded.
"I will...tell you if something that you do, hurts."
Renji bit gently at his lips.
"Okay...fine. Let's go back inside, all right?"
Byakuya nodded and turned back. They walked through the greenhouse and in through the back door, then walked to the bedroom. Byakuya slid back into bed, and after a moment of indecision, Renji followed. He turned towards Byakuya and gazed at him solemnly.
Byakuya gave him a wry smile.
"Now is one of those times I regret being pregnant, because I could really use a drink."
The comment made Renji smile too, lightening somewhat, the dark emotion that had been afflicting them.
"Well," said the redhead, "There is this thing we used to do in Inuzuri...because we were kids and we couldn't get drunk. Healers sometimes use it in the field when they run out of pain killers. It's a harmless, reduced power stunning kido. Makes you loosen up some without needing any drugs, and it's not harmful in any way."
"A...stunning kido," Byakuya repeated curiously, "I hope you don't think that I'm going to let you use your imperfect kido on me."
"Bite your tongue!" Renji laughed, "This is one even I can't screw up. Hold still, okay?"
"R-renji, I..."
He froze and fell silent as Renji touched him, and the oddest feeling of lightheadedness passed through him. His body relaxed instantly, and he dropped back against the pillows, looking up at Renji with a surprised expression.
"That better?" the redhead asked.
"It...is," said the noble, "I do feel much better."
"You look like it," Renji said, relief showing on his face.
He leaned over the noble, looking down into his much calmer eyes, then he lowered himself into Byakuya's arms. The noble's lips sought his for several long, slow kisses, then Renji pulled away and looked into his eyes again.
"Look, maybe you should take me. It might help if you didn't feel like you were being held down."
Byakuya shook his head.
"You forget, Renji," he said, quietly, "I could impregnate you."
"Ah..." said the redhead, "And two pregnant shinigamis on the run would be a really bad thing, ne?"
"Yes," Byakuya agreed, "And being without any money to procure adequate protection, it is better if you take me. I will be fine, truly. I told you. I feel much better."
"All right," said Renji, taking a breath, "I just...I've never done this before."
"And my experience was...less than instructional in the proper ways," Byakuya added.
"Well, then we'll just...wing it."
He captured the noble's lips again and kissed him several times. He moved so that he rested partially on top of his captain's body. His hand slid down and undid their yukatas. Instantly, Aizen's voice and face invaded Byakuya's mind.
But I am prepared for you this time. You will not get the better of me!
He realized very swiftly that he was not able to force the wickedly calm voice or the smug face away. But, employing what he had learned to effect control over his emotions, he shut down his physical responses to Aizen's mental assault as Renji kissed him and began to touch him. It took enormous effort not to respond to Aizen's cruel words and heartless expression, but he managed to hold himself still and to return Renji's kisses. His body quivered as Renji's hand touched him down lower, and the redhead's wet fingers carefully explored the tight ring around his entrance, then began to prepare hi.. He was careful not to show any discomfort, though his mind screamed at being touched that way, and the memory of Aizen's attack on him blazed through his head. He had to turn his head aside as Renji positioned himself and began to enter him.
"Look at me," Renji whispered, stopping, "Are you okay?"
Byakuya forced a smile and met his eyes for a moment.
"Yes," he assured the redhead.
He was grateful for the fact that some sweating was expected during intercourse, as the effort of holding back his responses to Aizen placed intense stress on him. He felt Renji's eyes watching and buried his face in the redhead's throat as Renji penetrated him, and began to move his hips in gentle thrusts. The pleasure coming from Renji's gentle loving made war with Aizen's wicked 'gift' and the two fought for control over the noble. He felt Renji's hand wrap around his length and start to stroke it in time with their movements and was encouraged at feeling some pleasure break through, and to hear Aizen's voice grow quieter in his mind. But as Renji's state of arousal intensified and the redhead's movements became less careful, he felt fear invade his heart again.
But true to form, Byakuya shouldered the burden quietly, hiding the pain and holding off the rending emotion as Renji's ministrations brought their lovemaking to a breathtaking climax. For just a moment, Aizen's face and voice disappeared completely, and he gazed up into Renji's glazed eyes, reeling with the explosion of heat inside him. His own member spasmed between them, making his heart pound and his mind spin sweetly.
But when he tried to relax into the sensation, Aizen returned even more forcefully, sending the overwrought noble into an almost feverish state.
"That was...really beautiful, Byakuya," Renji's voice said, bringing him back from the edges of madness, "I didn't know what to expect, you know? But this was really great."
"I agree," Byakuya said, making his lips smile, and meeting Renji for several warm kisses, before the redhead pulled free of him.
He managed to maintain control of himself until Renji fell down beside him and quickly fell asleep. Then, he carefully extracted himself from his sleeping husband and returned to the bathroom, where he locked the door and sat down on the floor, shivering uncontrollably and panting in distress.
But at least it is done now. Renji is safe from being punished for taking me.
He fought off waves of nausea, rubbing his abdomen gently and trying to think about the baby growing inside him.
Gods, I wish this was Renji's baby and mine! I don't hold what Aizen did against this child, but the memory is a weight I carry. I cannot help but wish that things were different.
He worked at slowing his breathing, and gradually calmed to the point where he could stand again. He cooled his face with a wet washcloth, then left the bathroom and crawled back into bed. Renji's eyes opened at feeling the bed move.
"You all right?" he asked sleepily.
"Yes," the noble said, kissing him, "Just a bout of nausea."
"Mmmmm," mumbled the redhead, curling his body around the noble's.
Byakuya rested quietly in Renji's arms, watching the redhead's contented face as he slept. He reached over and traced the tattoos on his chest, making Renji mumble something unintelligible and cuddle closer to him. He kissed the redhead on the forehead and rested his head on Renji's shoulder, finally feeling the effects of Aizen's presence fading.
Thank you, Renji. Because of you, he holds me a little less tightly in his grasp.