This one's long... but I think that's a good thing. :p hope you like it. No real spoilers in this one.

Warning: Some mature content. Shouldn't shock you too badly.

Disclaimer: The things the Doctor tells Jack in this chapter are not canon; they were made up by me. Er... not sure what that says about me. Hmm. You'll see what I mean.

My beta also made up an explanation for the joke about dogs with no noses. I think you'll like it. :)

Spare Wheel

Ten: The Talk

"It's so nice of you to accompany me," Inara told the Doctor as they walked into town together.

"Not at all. The Master's complaining that I haven't got any 'real food,' and he's been craving meat. He does that sometimes. Mind you, I'm no vegetarian, but the way he goes at meat sometimes…"

Inara laughed. "Just be careful what you buy. This corner of Barcelona has a wide variety of vendors. Some will cheat you, and some will try to sell you bad meat."

"Thanks for the warning."

"I'm sorry Jack couldn't join us."

"Yes. He sends his regrets."

"Is he all right?"

The Doctor hesitated. "He's well enough."

"I just ask because it seemed so sudden when River came back, and she told Simon you sent her away because of a problem between Gray and Jack. "

"Well, yes."

"You don't have to tell me," Inara said quickly. "It's not my business. I'd just like to know that he'll be okay."

"I think he will, in time. It was… quite a setback for them, though."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"It's made him reluctant to leave the Tardis. He doesn't want the stress of interacting with outsiders right now." The more I explain, the less it makes sense… The Doctor sighed.

"If there's anything I can do…"

"That's very kind; I'm sure Jack would appreciate it."

"River hasn't been very cooperative since she came back. She keeps telling Simon she wants to see Gray. I think she's pretty upset about it."

"It's not fair to her, but it's just not a good idea right now."

Inara nodded. "It's hard for her to understand circumstances sometimes."

In town, the Doctor found meats of many varieties. He stayed away from the bright red meats, knowing that artificial colors were added to make them look fresher.

"What species is this, anyway?" he asked one vendor.

"Star whale."

"Oh, no!" the Doctor lamented. "Do you realize they'll be hunted to extinction in just a few centuries? That's despicable. Have you got any good old-fashioned bovine?"

Inara, meanwhile, visited the spice shops and a seamstress. When she rendezvoused with the Doctor they both had several bags and packages to carry.

"Look," the Doctor said happily, pointing out one of Barcelona's famous stray dogs. Its nose was roughly three times the size of that of a normal Earth dog. "One of my absolute favorite cultural jokes—Barcelona and its dogs with no noses!"

Inara laughed in appreciation. "The people of Barcelona certainly have found a way to capitalize on sarcasm."

"Yes, they have. Absolutely priceless."

"May I walk back to the Tardis with you?" Inara asked. "Jack might not mind a visitor in familiar surroundings. And Kaylee won't stop talking about your ship—I'm very curious."

"I think that would be all right; but if Jack's not up to it, I'll have to ask you to go without seeing him."

"I understand."

It's not spying… I'm just making sure he's okay, the Doctor lulled his conscience as he watched Jack and Inara sitting in one of the comfortable rooms in the Tardis. He turned up the volume so he could hear their voices clearly.

"I'm sorry I wasn't able to go to town with you," Jack said.

"It's all right. The Doctor made a gallant escort."

"I'm sure he did."

The Doctor couldn't help smiling a little.

"Things haven't been going very well between Gray and me."

"I heard. I hope things get better soon."

"Not very likely right now. The Doctor talked to him and Gray said he thinks I lost him purposely—that I wanted him out of the way so I could be an only child."

Inara took Jack's hand. "Why would he believe something like that?"

"I don't know—I guess being alone with those savages so long, suffering so much made him think all sorts of crazy things."

"And he told this to the Doctor—after your setback?"

"Yeah. He… the Doctor wouldn't let him talk to me at first, even if he'd wanted to."

"He did something to hurt you very deeply, then," Inara concluded quietly. "I'm sorry—I don't mean to pry. Please excuse me."

"It's all right," Jack said quickly. "I know you're an empathic person; you want to know more so you can help. It's just… I don't think anything will help right now." He sighed and put his head in his hands.

Inara put her arm around him. "I'm sorry you feel so alone."

"The Doctor's been a big help; he told me I can talk to him if I need to. I just don't think I can. It's too… too personal, I guess. I'm not sure he really understands. I'm not sure I do either."

The Doctor frowned. What don't I understand? You feel frightened and angry and guilty and hurt and embarrassed and forgiving and loving and confused, all rolled into one. What else could there be?

"Do you think it might help to have company tonight? I wouldn't charge you; I'm offering as a friend."

"Oh… probably not the best idea," the Doctor murmured, embarrassed on Jack's behalf.

"That's very sweet of you to offer," Jack said slowly. "But I don't think it's the best idea right now."

The Doctor nodded.

"Inara—I don't want to upset you, but I know you're a very discreet and compassionate person. I don't like keeping the truth from you…"

She gently pulled Jack's head against her shoulder. "You can tell me, if you think it will give you some relief. It's all right."

Jack was silent, and the Doctor held his breath to be sure not to miss anything. He shoved his guilt over eavesdropping into a closet of his mind for the time-being.

"The night before last," Jack started quietly, "Gray…" he paused.

Inara stroked Jack's hair gently and waited for him to go on.

Jack took a calming breath. "He sexually violated me."

The Doctor suddenly felt very low for intruding on the conversation. I only want to be sure he's all right, he told himself. But his conscience wasn't satisfied, so he switched off his monitor's sound. He saw Inara comforting Jack, and he didn't need to hear what she said to know that she was equal to the task.

Maybe she can help. Maybe he'll talk to her. But why can't he talk to me?

"Have you any idea how long I've been waiting?" the Master complained when Jack carried a tray through the door.

"Yeah—since I brought you the tux yesterday. I put a lot of effort into this dinner, so you'd better appreciate it."

The Master looked Jack over with a smirk. "Full uniform, I see."

"Do you like it?"

"Much."

Jack moved their plates and glasses from the tray to the table and set the tray aside.

"You did that so efficiently. Were you once a butler?"

"I was once a lot of things. When you live for eons you tend to try a lot of professions."

"You evaded that question beautifully."

"Thank you."

The Master raised his glass. "Bon appetite."

Jack touched his glass to the Master's. "À ta santé."

"That had better mean something good."

Jack grinned. "Ha. I know more French than you do. Let the Tardis translate for you."

The Master thought for a moment. "Oh, to your health. Right. Never bothered much with human languages. Dull. And no need to learn them when you've got a Tardis."

"Knowing lots of languages can get you far. I had a French boy friend once…"

"You had an everything boy friend once. I swear."

They ate their prime rib in silence for a minute or so. Then the Master spoke.

"You overcooked mine."

"Did not—it's perfect."

"I said rare."

"It's pink in the middle."

"It's supposed to be bleeding in the middle."

Jack tried to keep a straight face, but a laugh escaped him. "Yes, Master. I'll do better next time. You should just be glad I cooked for you. When John and I were together, I made him cook almost every night."

"John? Another boy friend, I suppose."

"Sort of. More like a wife."

It was the Master's turn to laugh. "And have you ever had a wife to know the comparison?"

"Yes, actually."

The Master sobered a little. "What happened to her?"

"What happens to everyone." Jack shrugged. "That's the biggest downside to immortality. You have to leave people behind." He looked up to see the Master give a small nod. "What, no snarky comment?"

"I'm not allowed to hurt your feelings. Doctor's orders."

Jack smiled. "And you listened? There may be hope for you after all."

"I just don't want to be stuck here forever." The Master tasted his artichoke soufflé. "I like this—what is it?"

"Artichoke. It's popular in the 51st century. Hard to find on Barcelona, judging by how much the Doctor complained about looking for it."

"Well, he can stuff it. Where did the Doctor get money to buy food with, anyway?"

"Probably hacked a banking box as usual; I didn't ask."

"The goody-goody, a thief?" the Master smiled. "So, tell me—what's the most unusual thing you've taken to bed with you?"

Jack nearly choked. He managed to keep his swallow from going down the wrong pipe and cleared his throat. "Most unusual?"

"Most alien—least human."

"Let's see…" Jack looked around the room. "Doctor, if you're listening, shut the damn thing off," he said sternly. There was no answer. "Okay, um… hm."

"Not counting ones you're not sure what happened due to drunkenness," the Master added. "That should narrow the field for you."

Jack gave him a sour look. "I guess it was probably the Raxacoricofallapatorian…"

"Good god, you didn't."

"Um, yeah. I was like… twenty or twenty-one."

"WHY? Why would anyone? Other than another Raxacoricofallapatorian, of course."

"Uh… he was horny and I was curious?"

"He? Lord."

"Yeah. I kinda had second thoughts about that. But it was a little late."

"You're not joking?"

"Nope."

"Wow." The Master looked like he didn't know whether to be disturbed, impressed or just very amused.

"Your turn," Jack prompted.

"Oh, the strangest thing ever in my bed was my wife Lucy. But we didn't have sex."

Jack rolled his eyes. "Your story was way more disturbing than mine."

"What story? I didn't get any details."

"Did you seriously want details?" Jack asked, raising one eyebrow.

"Point taken."

When dinner was finished, Jack gathered the empty dishes back onto the tray.

"This was unexpectedly pleasant," Jack said.

"Yes; we should do it again sometime."

"Do you dance?"

"Dance? Mm… just on my own. Clubby. Can fake a little other stuff..."

Jack smiled. "Nah, we gotta teach you ballroom."

"You can't teach me anything," the Master snapped.

"Oh, that's a bald challenge."

The Master picked up the tray and walked Jack to the door. "Come back soon," he said, holding out the tray.

Jack considered attempting a kiss, but he decided it was a little too risky at this point. He settled for running his hands over the Master's as he took the tray from him.

The Master's arms jerked back a fraction of an inch as if he was startled, but his expression betrayed nothing.

"Good night, Tiger. Love the tux."

"This old thing?" the Master said with a wink. "So sweet of you to say so."

The Doctor stood in the doorway watching Gray and River carefully. This was to be a short visit.

River went to Gray and hugged him tightly. Gray held her in such a way that he knew the Doctor could see his hands clearly—he didn't want any trouble.

"I missed you," Gray said.

"Me, too." She traced along his brow with her fingers. "You're not evil."

He looked away from her. "Did they tell you what I did?"

"You don't really want to hurt anyone."

"How do you know that?"

"I feel sad for big brothers."

"Why?"

"Who takes care of them?"

Gray thought that over. "Parents, I guess. For a while."

"Not for long."

He swallowed. This wasn't a comfortable conversation. "I wish you could stay with me."

"You'll be okay," she said firmly. "You're trapped, but you're safe here."

"Are you happy on the Serenity?"

"I have Simon there. But I miss you. And the Doctor and the Tardis."

"River," the Doctor called, "that's long enough."

River reached up and kissed Gray's lips gently. He held perfectly still so there was no way he could be accused of taking any inappropriate action.

"No more hurting," River told him. She turned away and left with the Doctor.

"How'd River's visit go?" Jack asked.

"Fine. No trouble. They kissed."

"Really? On the mouth?"

"Well, she kissed him."

"Oh. That's different."

"How?"

"Gray probably won't take it as a romantic attraction. It's not unusual for platonic friends in our culture to share a conservative kiss."

"Really?"

"Come on, Doctor… think of cultures in Rose's time—Italian family members kissed each other on the mouth all the time."

"Don't tend to spend much time in Italy…"

Jack smiled and shook his head. "You've missed out. Hey," he said, growing serious again, "there's something I've wanted to ask you."

"Ask away."

"Well… it's a sex question."

The Doctor quirked an eyebrow. "What can I possibly know that you don't? You're the connoisseur."

"It's not like that—I don't need 'the talk;' I just want to know the differences between our species. How is making love different for Timelords?"

"Um…" None of your bloody business. "I understand your curiosity and all, but I think it's best to leave it alone, Jack."

Jack looked atypically uncomfortable. "It won't hurt anything for me to know."

"I really don't feel comfortable discussing it," the Doctor admitted. Damn it, Jack, drop it. Please.

"I'm sorry; it's just that there's no one else I can ask. And it's not like there are books on it… I've looked."

Of course, you have. "It's not going to kill you not to know the details, all right?" Because you and I are never going there. I love you, but I can't love you like that. "And… I don't think you're likely to need to know." The Doctor froze. "Wait…" He looked hard at Jack.

Jack looked away.

"You're not thinking of… Jack, you can't bed the Master. You just can't!"

Jack held his hands up in defense. "I'm not about to. I just want to make sure I don't make a fool of myself if it ever comes to that."

"But… no. You just can't."

"Well, why not?" Jack's tone had turned to one of annoyance. "Say we did get that far—why would you object so strongly?"

"He's unstable. He's a scheming tyrant."

"Everyone is somewhere deep down. But you're the one who's been championing his capacity for good."

"Yes, but…" The Doctor searched for some way to make Jack understand that he was being ridiculous. "Listen, are you sure you're not just rebounding? What happened with Gray… I'm sure it's made you want to try something very new and different. But I think this is really not the way to recover. The timing's bad, Jack. Just wait."

"Like I said, we're nowhere near that point yet. And yeah, maybe I am 'rebounding' a little. You know that Old Earth saying—when you fall off a horse you need to get right back on."

"This is one horse you should not attempt to ride."

Jack burst out laughing. "You just called the Master a horse. Oh, the mileage I could get out of that…"

"I'm serious," the Doctor snapped.

"Okay, I know you are. I don't know how things will go. Maybe nothing will come of it. But please, don't leave me in the dark. Things would be awkward enough without my being caught off guard. You know how he is."

"But if you're completely prepared, he'll know we talked about it," the Doctor groaned. This is so humiliating. Why are you doing this to me?

"So? Let him know. He gets tired of heckling you if you don't react."

"Oh, but you don't know him like I do. We were at school together."

"Doctor…" Jack sighed. "Please?"

Damn, damn, damn, damn, DAMN. "All right," the Doctor surrendered. He took a deep breath. "I wouldn't do this for anyone else. I hope you appreciate that. It's a little involved. Let's… let's go sit somewhere where we don't have to look at one another."

Jack smiled. "Okay."

The Doctor chose the astronomy room. It was basically his private planetarium. He had not shown it to Jack before. He closed the door behind them and the star glow came on automatically. He dropped to the floor and lay on the soft, plushy carpet, looking up at the lights of the galaxies.

Jack settled beside him and waited in silence.

After taking a while to collect his thoughts—it had been some time since he had allowed himself to think very deeply on this subject—the Doctor said, "I'm going to try to keep this as painless as possible. Please, don't make too many wise comments…"

"I won't," Jack assured him.

"Okay. Well, to start with, most of the things that will arouse a human will also arouse a Timelord. But something you should keep in mind is that they've got two hearts."

"All right."

"Even though they're able to take their time and remain calm longer than humans if they really want to, they do have the capacity to generate a lot of heat very quickly."

"That makes sense."

"Probably the most reliable way to stir up a Timelord is to go right to the source and have a lot of contact with the chest—male or female, it's a very sensitive area." Damn. This is so awkward. The Doctor could feel the beginnings of a blush coming on. He was glad the room was so dark.

Jack, meanwhile, was trying to quickly review all the physical contact he had had with the Doctor. Is that why he gave me my shirt when he stayed with me that night—he didn't like having my chest exposed? He had assumed that the Doctor's gesture had been meant to help Jack feel less vulnerable. But maybe there was more to it than that. He had protested when Jack removed his shirt after saving him from the radiation tank as well, and had stopped him from removing his shirt to enter that other radiation tank when they had first encountered the Master together. And is that why he stayed so still when my head was on his chest—it really bothered him, but he was too concerned for me to tell me or to pull away? "So, it's pretty invasive to touch a Timelord's chest casually?"

"Eh… sometimes. When in doubt, best not. I think it's something akin to running up and licking a human's ear."

Jack laughed. "Okay, that might be a little invasive." But fun… "But you don't mind hugs."

"No, that's different. Not sure why—it just is." Probably because you're fully clothed and the hands and faces are elsewhere… very little friction… who knows?

"Anyway, keeping that in mind…" the Doctor hesitated. God, there's no good way to say this. The Doctor felt Jack's hand slip over his.

"It's okay. You're not going to shock me. And I promise I won't give you a hard time. Whatever differences there are, it's just part of what makes you so amazing. It's a beautiful thing."

The Doctor turned his hand over and grasped Jack's fingers lightly. "Sometimes I wish I could see the universe as you do," he murmured.

"I've tried to see it through your eyes. Sometimes I manage to get a pretty good glimpse. And that's beautiful, too."

The Doctor felt his eyes stinging. He discreetly wiped them dry with his free hand. What is wrong with me? Focus. "Anyway… back on topic."

"Sorry."

"Without going into detail on the history of my race, I'll say that children are a precious commodity on Gallifrey. They're rare. It's not a huge threat to the population, since Timelords can extend their lives through regeneration, but it's a sort of… I dunno, a wistfulness shared by most of us. Our bodies don't often cooperate with each other in the right way to produce a child." Be clinical. It won't be as awkward if you treat it like a lecture.

"Putting it in terms of Earth time, a Time Lady may be fertile once a month if she's very lucky, or as rarely as once in six months. A male Timelord, however, can produce at any time. But it's trickier than that. Because we've evolved to give an incubating child the best chance of survival. The male is very instrumental in nurturing the child in its first moments."

"After birth?"

"No; after conception. At sexual climax, the male produces a…" the Doctor frowned, trying to think of a good word. "Well, a secretion of vitamins and proteins and… stuff… from his chest. The female, who is ideally flush against him, absorbs it through her skin."

Jack fought to keep his mouth shut. There were so many comments he wanted to make. But he had promised to behave himself.

"It's to help the child develop."

"Right," Jack said, to show he was keeping up. He didn't trust himself to say anything else.

"If for some reason there is not someone else against his chest at climax, the secretion stops almost immediately; there's very little residue. But when it does get absorbed, it drains a lot of energy out of him. He won't be ready to mate again for several days, and ideally waits a couple of weeks to fully recover."

"Weeks? Wow. So, that's what you meant when you said that it's hard work."

"Precisely. And if the male isn't ready when the female is, tough luck. No child this time. And on top of that, the species as a whole was having fertility issues before the Time War… but that's nothing you need to know."

"Okay. Anything else?"

"Yes." Be clinical. You're nearly done. "This secretion is… it starts out slick, then it gets sticky, and then it hardens. The two Timelords are generally stuck together anywhere from twenty minutes to a good six hours."

"What? You're making that up."

"I am not!" the Doctor said indignantly. "After all the important stuff is absorbed, the bonds break up and what's left over gets sort of flaky. Easy to wash off."

Jack wanted desperately to ask, "How does it taste?" but he kept the question in. "So, supposing some Timelord was an idiot and decided to do it twice in a row—what would happen to him?"

The Doctor grimaced. "Uh… depends on how strong he was to begin with and whether he'd been eating well and so forth. If he were especially strong he might recover all right in a few weeks. But if he were weak to begin with, he might have to regenerate."

"Oh, my god." After the initial surprise, Jack smiled. "Great way to go, though."

"Oh, hush. There's one more thing, but…" I really, really don't want to go there. "Well, it's something you won't need to know unless things get extremely… unless you go 'all the way,' as they say."

"Okay. What is it?"

"No; I… I'm not going to tell you. If you know things are going to go that far, let him tell you."

"Is it that disturbing? Come on; we've come this far."

"It's not that. It's just…" I don't want to wonder if that's what you're thinking about every time you give me a funny look—every time I catch you staring, which is already too often. I want things to stay as they are. "It's something you should hear from your parents or your lover. And I'm not either."

"You act like my parent a lot of the time," Jack commented. And I wish to God you were my lover.

"I'm sorry, Jack. This is what you get. And it's more than I ever planned to tell you."

"All right." Jack squeezed the Doctor's hand. "Thank you. I know that was weird for you…"

"Understatement. But Jack, listen: The Master is dangerous. He may use his relationship with you to try to hurt me. Please, promise me you'll be careful. Don't become intimate with him unless you're absolutely sure of him, and even then be on your guard."

"I'm a big boy, Doctor. Don't worry about me. If he is playing games, I think this is a game I can beat him at."

"All right, but be careful," the Doctor repeated.

"I will."

Sorry if I made anyone feel sick. lol Like I said, this technical stuff isn't canon—it came out of my warped mind. I hope that at least the awkwardness and Jack/Doctor tension was enjoyable. :p