Rational thinking

Well, love is insanity. The ancient Greeks knew that. It is the taking over of rational and lucid mind by delusion and self-destruction. You lose yourself, you have no power over yourself, you can't even think straight

Marilyn French 1929- : The Women's Room (1977)

Lily's P.O.V

The moment I woke up the following day, I knew something was different. That something of great magnitude was going to happen

Something bad

Too bad I didn't know what at the time that whatever would happen that day, would be my entire fault

Then I would have stayed in bed

Yet unfortunately, I had ignored my instinct and got ready to face another school day instead

As I did so, I thought back to the previous night and wondered, for the thousandth time, what James tried to tell me. I know now but I couldn't help but think about it. I knew that there was something that he was hiding from me, something that he'd been wanting to tell me but couldn't

To tell you the truth, I was worried about what he wanted to say

Ever since the kiss we had a shared a month previously, he had been avoiding me slightly and he looked at me strangely, differently

Then again he's still looking at me strangely, but now I know the exact reason for this and its not as pleasant as before. In fact its not pleasant at all

He hates me

He absolutely, utterly hates my very existence

I know that he used to love me and I know that that's what he tried to tell me that night, but after what I did to him, he hates me. He told me and to be honest, I would hate me too

Justifiably

That day was the changing point of my life. My teenage life anyway

My choices were right there, in front of me. I knew what I had to do, what I should have done. I knew what I didn't have to do, what I shouldn't have done, but I've never been one to think before I make a decision.

That say, actually, would have been a good day to start

To think before I made a decision that is

Yet no such luck.

Instead I made the decision that turned both our lives upside down and drove us to Hell

Although I didn't know all this as I made my way down to breakfast

When I arrived at the Great Hall, I didn't see James so I reluctantly sat near Sirius, who greeted me rather pleasantly, which surprised me

"So do you know where James is?" he asked me as he munched on his toast. I was stunned at that moment that I just stared at him. Although James and I had been friends for about three months, this is the longest and civilized discussion I've had with Sirius Black

"No, why?" I asked him suspicious. This was also a first; Sirius not knowing where James is

"Just asking" he told me, but I knew he was lying but I letting go anyway

"Right" was all I said. Well I couldn't very well accuse him of lying to me could I? It was his choice, and besides I didn't know him very well anyway

We sat in silence, for what felt like an hour but really was just ten minutes, before Sirius' expression changed to apprehensive and silent, to confident and joyful

"Hey James!" he exclaimed, and for some reason I tensed

"Hey, Sirius" I heard him mutter. He seemed to have stopped but I didn't turn around to check. Sirius glanced between James and me

"Look James, its Lily!" he told him a bit over-excitedly. I swear I would have killed him, but instead I turned around and I was in fact surprise for some reason to see him smiling

"Hi, Lily" he muttered in my direction as he took a seat beside me

I turned to my front, muttering a greeting under my breath and went back to my food. From the corner of my eye I could swear I could see Sirius and James shaking their heads in my direction for some reason. James then began shaking his head vigorously and eventually sighed

"Err.. Lily we have patrolling tonight" he told me and I looked at him. He looked kind of scared, as if I'd refuse to go that night, actually he looked like he'd rather not go at all

"Ok, see you then" I answered and walked away.

Something was driving me crazy. I hadn't talked and acted the way I did to James that day for so long that it was like a foreign language to me. It felt so strange and for the life I couldn't understand why on earth I ever did it

Still pondering on the way I acted, I bumped into Jason, and I felt so frustrated with myself in thinking of James, while I had a boyfriend and neglecting him

Or maybe I was subconsciously saddened by the fact that I had a boyfriend at all

Probably both

"Hi, Jason" I greeted him kissing him on his lips. He pulled away and smiled nervously, heaving his weight from foot to foot

I should have known by that! Then again he's been doing that for some time before that so I didn't find it odd, but I should have

"Hey, Lil" he answered back, glancing behind me a few times and I managed to restrain myself from glaring and/or turning back instead I asked him

"Is anything wrong?" the question seemed to hang in the air as it appeared he was trying to answer the simple question

"Lily can we talk?" he asked me evenly. I contemplated in telling him no, but I was saved by the bell

"Later?" I asked him to make sure. He looked at me with pleading eyes but he gave up as he sighed and nodded passing me and walking off in the other direction. I stared at the air in front of me, thinking that that day couldn't possibly get any stranger

"Come on Evans, we have to go to class" Sirius told me as he passed me

Then again, I remember thinking that it probably could

I made my way to class contemplating the things that would make the day strange, and I came up with very strange things, from evil mice coming from out of space trying to take over the world to James declaring his undying love for me

Wouldn't that be hilarious

Note that the above sentence was dipped in sarcasm. And poison. Yup that's it, sarcasm and poison

During every one of my classes, all I could really do was stare out the window. It was a beautiful day, with the rain falling hard against the windows and the wind howling outside

That was all it took for me to smile for the first time that day. Probably the only time I smiled for a long time after that as a matter of fact

I love the rain. I love everything that comes with it actually; the wetness, the cold, the darkness, the solitude that it seems to provide for those who need it

And it's been my only companion for the past week. Ever since…

"Lily?" I heard James' voice speak to me and my eyes snapped up to drown in his. I swallowed and asked him what he wanted

"Well the bell rang about five minutes ago and you're the only one in class" he told me, and a quick glance around told me that he was right

"Oh, God! Thanks James" I stuttered embarrassed as I hurriedly collected all my stuff

"No problem Lil" he answered looking at the door, as if wanting to leave

Now here is my problem people, I can't read other people's actions. If I did then I might have been able to stop what happened later on that night

But alas! It seems that all the great gifts come right after you need them

And at that moment something clicked in my brain

Lil

Jason!

"James, I'm sorry but I really have to go, ok?" I thew over my head as I rushed out the door, missing James' totally disheartened look

"Yea. Just don't forget patrolling" I heard him yell at my back

Although Charms was our last lesson, and dinner was just about 2-3 hours away, I didn't seem to have enough time to find Jason before my patrolling. Right before dinner I gave up, thinking, stupidly, that it was probably not important and that it might as well wait until tomorrow

During dinner I sat alone as I wasn't able to find James or any of his friends but just as dinner finished he appeared next to me with a torn expression on his face

He looked as if he was torn between running away and sitting down next to me

He chose neither

"Are you ready?" he asked me instead

I looked down at my plate and decidedly pushed it away from me. I nodded once as I stood up, and glancing around once more for Jason, I followed James out the Great Hall doors

For most of the 'journey' we were silent. Nothing, not even a single word, passed between us

That is if you don't count James' feeble attempts to tell me something

He always began something, but he never finished it and frankly it was really getting aggravating

I knew he wanted to tell me something important but he never got around to saying it. Well at least not then and maybe if he had we wouldn't be in this situation.

Or even so, if I had spoken to Jason before none of this would have happened

But whatever, might haves, or should haves, it doesn't change anything. What happened, happened, and it changed the way I think and feel. And not necessarily for the good

As we reached the seventh floor, we heard something in one of the classrooms, so with one look we made our way silently but carefully towards the room

Standing on either side of the door we nodded once more and opened the door in such a way that it would surprise the occupants. Yet as we opened the door, the occupants didn't seem that surprised. In fact they didn't even move away from each other or made any sign of acknowledgement what so ever

That's when I recognized the hair, his shoulders and the body

It was Jason

My boyfriend

Snogging some girl that I didn't even know!

Without saying a word I turned around and left, hearing my name being called, but not from my boyfriend. From James

I made myself to the Heads' common room, were I sat down on the couch and curling into a ball, I cried

About half an hour later, James barged in, looking frantic and holding a worn piece of paper. As soon as he spotted me, he ran to my side

"Lily? Are you ok?" I could sense the worry in his voice and it made me cry even more. I looked at him in the eyes

"Why? Why would he do that to me?" I asked him, desperate for answers. He stroke my cheek as I began to sit up

"Because, he's a bastard. And he never really loved you Lily. That's not a good combination," he tried to make me smile. It didn't work.

I stood up and walked away from him, towards a window. The rain was still falling and I felt a soothing sensation wash over me. I took in a deep breath and I turned around to face him

"But then, that means that I'm alone. There never will be a chance for me in the future will there? I'll never find someone to love me enough not to cheat on me. They're all bastards. All of them!" I realize I was become more than hysterical, but there was nothing I could do

James made a move to come closer but stopped mid way, apparently changing his mind. He shook his head and looked into my eyes

Into my soul

"That's not true. I love you Lily" he told me in a loud whisper

That's when my heartbeat increased tenfold and I couldn't believe what he was saying

"Do you James? God, please say you do. I need someone to love me right now. I need you to love me. You've been the only man I've ever become friends with and I want to love you so much James" I was sobbing

I moved towards him and I hugged him tightly

"Please say you love me James" I cried softly in his ear

"I love you Lily" he repeated. I knew he meant it, and I knew I was doing it worse, but I couldn't help I needed comfort. I needed affection. I needed to love and be loved

"I need you James" I whispered back. I looked at him and with all reason gone from my head, I kissed him

Hard

But he pulled back

"Lily, I can't do this. You can't do this. It's wrong" he stuttered, trying to walk away from me

"James, please. I need you to love me. Please," I began pressing my body against his. I was desperate for his touch. I kissed him again. And again. And again

God I loved kissing him

I still do, although it will probably never happen again

"Lily.." he moaned into my mouth trying to escape. I held on to him until he gave up fighting

That was my largest mistake

I didn't let go of him

He wanted to wait until I got over Jason's actions. But I didn't want to wait

I craved for him

And I got him, but at what price?

I lost him the next day, again to my stupidity

Right after I gave myself to him

A/n So? There you have it! that's what happened and how.. next chapter their reactions and James' view on the night. I realize that the previous chapter was absolute crap, but I hope this one makes up for it. thanks for those who reviewed. Which was only one person, who I dedicate this chapter to xXx