Chapter 10: Il Primo
Charity stood in front of the mirror comparing the top she had on with one still on the hanger as Chas looked on.
"Crimson snakeskin or black zip up, what do you think Chas?"
"I dunno, are you going for the Lorraine Kelly wannabe look or more of a Fred Olsen cruisewear theme?"
Shoving the black top in Chas's face, Charity retorts "I'll have you know I took this from your closet."
"Oh, I know you did. I know. C'mon Charity, it doesn't matter what you wear. She's already your fiancée. I don't think your wardrobe is gonna change that."
"I just want to look like, I don't know, someone worth marrying. I'm tellin' you Chas, something was off with her last night. She was all bossy about when to pick her up and her nose was twitching. Something was wrong and I feel like I'm about to be given the third degree."
"I hope she's in better spirits tonight then. Either way, you may as well enjoy a night off and I'm sure it'll be easier than pretending to do work around here. Past few days you've been about as useful as a clogged toilet at a beer and sausage festival."
"Shut-up Chas."
With that, Charity made her way to her car to pick up Vanessa for the drive to Hotten.
Despite being punctual, Vanessa had little to offer Charity in terms of kind words or simple small talk. The entire ride to town, Charity was met with one or two word answers and zero effort on Vanessa's part to engage in even the most basic pleasantries.
As they pulled into the restaurant lot, Charity's caustic tendencies got the better of her.
"I've had more engaging conversations with the boy's defective speak-and-spell they spilt milk on last month."
"Sorry if my repartee doesn't meet your high standards," Vanessa snapped back as she lets herself out of the car.
Charity exhaled out a half hour's worth of sighs before exiting the car so as to avoid any further backchat from Vanessa.
The ladies followed the maître d' to their table and Vanessa promptly ordered wine.
"A bottle of pinot noir please."
"Ness, are you sure it will mix OK with your medication?"
"I'm just on over the counter paracetamol now, no codeine. Couple of glasses will be fine."
Charity nodded at the host and he left them with menus before he scurried away to send over their waiter.
The mood remained tense; almost adversarial. The waiter returned with the wine, opened the bottle and poured. The women placed their orders and Vanessa began to fiddle with her silverware in between sips of wine.
"This isn't exactly what I had in mind when you suggested an evening out."
"I came very close to cancelling altogether. Maybe you'd have preferred that?"
Charity was left glaring at Vanessa who hadn't maintained eye contact for more than half a second since the beginning of the night.
"Maybe I would have. So, go on then. Why didn't you just cancel on me?"
Vanessa finally turned directly to Charity and scowled, "I didn't cancel because I need answers about something. Something I think I remembered, only, it's so upsetting, I'm sure it must be a kind of false memory my neuro warned me about."
"What is it you think you remembered?" asked Charity, unprepared for what was coming.
"Last night, when you got into it with that punter and you pushed him down…" Vanessa looked away for a moment to steel herself, "… I thought I remembered you pushing me down and me falling to the ground and hurting my wrist."
Charity's face sank as she immediately recognized the moment Vanessa was relaying.
"Surely, I wouldn't be with someone who was abusive towards me. I've got it in me to put up with a lot of nonsense but being degraded like that? No way. So please tell me that what feels like it really happened was just an illusion. My mind playing tricks on me. Please tell me it's not the truth."
Charity stared down at the table, unable to look Vanessa in the eye, and considered how her luck could get any worse. Of all the memories she made together with Vanessa, that is what's crept its way back into her brain?
"Charity!?" Vanessa yelped wanting an answer.
"Your mind isn't playing tricks on you," Charity whispered with a hollowness in her voice. "It did happen."
Vanessa was shocked. Shaking her head in disbelief, "How?... Why?"
Still staring down into her wine glass, Charity lamented, "You know, the one silver lining to your accident was that you could forget about what happened to me all those years ago. Being on the streets, getting groomed by Bails, getting raped by Bails and his sleazy mates. I might've even been envious of you for a hot minute. It would be so nice to just erase that bit of my life from my memory."
Unable to connect how her possible memory is related to Charity's history, Vanessa furrowed her brow and waited for Charity to elaborate.
Charity returned her gaze directly back to Vanessa.
"I can offer you some context Vanessa, but, it won't change the fact that I'm sorry for what I did. I swear to you, I apologized when it happened, and I apologize again now."
Vanessa could see Charity's eyes turning red with tears prompting her to say, "I don't want to make you talk about things that you don't want to talk about. But, if you could just help me understand."
Nodding her head, Charity began to explain.
"You know about Tracy and her case against Phil Webb?"
"Yeah, she told me about it, and about Bails' involvement."
"Right. So when Phil was sent down, I was sat with Tracy watching the news on the telly. It's how I found out that Bails was the copper who handled her case. Tracy thought he was brilliant. I was thunderstruck that a perv like him was handling a case like hers. She saw I was off but I passed off my mood on Bails having been the one who sent me down for the Home Farm fire."
"So, she didn't know straight away how far back your history really went with him?"
"No. She had no idea about that, but I guess I didn't hide beneath my armor as well as I'd thought 'cause she sent you over to check up on me. I asked you to go. You was fishing around for why I was upset and all I gave you was guff. You and your stupid talking. I didn't want to talk. I just wanted to forget."
Taking another sip of wine for courage, Charity continued as Vanessa hung on to Charity's every word.
"I was crying and you and your rubbish detective skills concluded that what happened to Tracy was upsetting because something similar must have happened to me. So you suggested I go talk to DI Bails so he could help me out."
This information pushed all the air out of Vanessa's lungs and she closed her eyes realizing what an incredible blunder she had made.
"I explained to you that I couldn't very well report the man who raped me to the man who had actually raped me. You still had your facts mixed up. You didn't know this had all happened when I was a kid. You thought it was when he arrested me for the fire."
Charity was reliving the moment now as clearly as Vanessa had the night before and her chest heaved as she cried through her retelling of the rest of the moment.
"I couldn't tell you what happened to me. I didn't want to. I just wanted to leave it, so I told you to keep Tracy away from Bails and I tried to leave. I was done talking but you weren't. You followed me out the hallway pleading with me to talk more and I just wanted you out of my space. You were right behind me. I turned around and I pushed my arms out to get you to back off. It all happened so fast. You fell. It was just a shove. I never meant to hurt you. I'm so sorry."
"No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I kept pressing you to talk about something you didn't want to."
Regaining her composure, Charity insisted, "Don't you dare apologize. It wasn't alright what I did and please, please believe me when I say that is not who I am, that is not who we are."
"Of course I believe you," said Vanessa, and she meant it.
"You were so incredible Vanessa, you have no idea. I still tried to push you away after that, figuratively. It was the first time in my life that somebody made me feel like it was OK to not be OK. At that point, the flood gates were open and I told you most of my sordid story. How I got into prostitution, how Bails used to look out for me, at first. How he eventually locked me up. How he beat me. I kept waiting for you to run out in horror but you just held me and for the first time in my life, I felt like maybe what happened wasn't all my fault."
"Of course it wasn't your fault!" Vanessa felt contrite for believing Charity might have hurt her on purpose. "I'm sorry I thought the worst. I didn't….. I didn't want that memory to be real but, I see sense now. I get it and I know you would never do anything to purposefully hurt me."
Charity stared at Vanessa with a doleful look on her face.
"That's not true."
"What's not true?" asked Vanessa.
"Well, if that one memory came back, I reckon others might too so, I best confess all my sins."
Charity takes another sip from her wine glass. Then, deciding it might be best to maximize the anesthesia, she takes two more gulps to finish it off.
"I did do something to hurt you. On purpose. Emotionally, anyway."
"Look, I'm not a magistrate and you're not on trial. You don't have to tell me anything else if you don't want to."
"I'm not telling you this to throw myself at your mercy, and, I'm not telling you to make you feel responsible for my bad behavior. If your brain is starting to unscramble, I'd rather you have some context for whatever bits and pieces worm their way back into your memory."
"Fair enough."
"You wanted me to report Bails. You thought I'd get some justice and I tried to explain to you that I didn't want to go after him. I didn't want to risk him wanting revenge. I was on edge but you kept pushing and I asked you to leave, again, and this time you obliged. Only you still didn't listen to me, 'cause you called the police and reported my crime for me."
"I didn't?"
"You did."
Vanessa, exasperated with herself, could only reply with, "Oh God," as she placed her elbows on the table and her head in her hands.
"What's wrong? Is it your head? Do you need your medicine now?"
"My head doesn't hurt from the accident, just maybe from my own imprudence. I don't need my meds but maybe another bottle of wine." With that Vanessa flagged down the waiter and ordered another bottle.
Charity continued, "You are occasionally presumptuous."
"I can't remember why I thought it was my business to report him but hopefully, I was just trying to help."
"Of course you were and hindsight is 20/20 but at the time, well, it was really bad Vanessa. I was really, really upset when I found out you'd reported it. Everything was so raw, all those things I told you that had been bottled up for years; it was like somebody ripped open old scars. I was hurting as it was and then you…. You were the only person I told, the only one I trusted. I was angry at myself and I was even more angry with you. I walked out 'cause honestly, I couldn't bear to look at you."
Just then, the waiter arrived with and opened the second bottle of wine. Once he left, Charity continued.
"You came 'round to apologize but also to tell me yet again that I needed to report Bails. You were angry at him and I was angry at you. You were listening to me Vanessa but, you weren't hearing me. You didn't really understand how I felt and as much as you did know, you had no idea about Ryan at that point. I felt cornered. You wanted me to do something I didn't want to do and I responded like I always had. I lashed out. I broke it off with you. I threatened you figuring it was the only way I was gonna make myself clear. As God is my witness, I would have never touched a hair on you but it was the only way to get rid of you."
Now, it was Vanessa who poured herself more wine looking to numb herself from the disturbing information she was learning.
"Most normal people would just pack it in at threats but ….I'm not normal. So I figured I'd try it on with some bloke who happened to be at the bar and Megan didn't burn any daylight ringing you up to tell ya. You being a glutton for punishment came back to sniff around. I couldn't pass up the opportunity to rub your nose in just how quickly I was able to forget you only, you didn't know just before you got there that I'd gone full psychopath on him and tossed him out before anything happened. I just wanted you to believe you meant so little to me that I could move on in a snap."
Pondering another sip but then pushing the glass away, Charity finished her thought.
"The look on your face. I couldn't turn away from you quick enough and I could hear you crying. I reckon that hurt you even worse than the shove and I've never apologized for that. I am so sorry."
"I don't get it. You didn't have to tell me that, and, you could have just let me believe that push was a figment of my imagination. Why are you being so…. honest?"
"I spent decades hiding things away, lying to cover up dark truths. You and I may have gone through some stormy weather to get where we are now, but I never want to live under that cloud again. You're my light at the end of the tunnel and I'll never go back. So, are you sure you still want to be sat across from me after everything I've told you? I mean, it's pretty much the worst of it aside from the occasional verbal jab and my usual stroppy demeanor which frankly, I think you find appealing."
"I'm sure. You see I actually reached into my pocket this morning for me phone so I could text you and cancel tonight. But, then I found these."
Vanessa reached into the jacket she had pulled from their closet the day before and pulled out some random bits of paper written on post-its, torn journal paper and the like.
Charity's mouth drops open in surprise. "Babe! You saved my naughty notes?"
"Is that what they're called? I wasn't really sure what to make of them."
Charity, welcoming an opportunity to change the mood, smiled at the pile of papers in front of her and sorting through it, she mentioned, "There's a lot more where these came from but you must of gone and saved the "best of" Charity's naughty notes. I write them to you sometimes to keep you entertained on your walk to surgery."
"Naughty notes? Not sure that's how I would describe them." Vanessa starts thumbing through them. "Let's see, ah yes,
You've got a great ass, heart sign, Charity."
"They can be factual and naughty at the same time," Charity states with a smile.
"OK, how about this one?
Roses are red,
violets are blue
Please scrape off the muck,
stuck on your shoe."
"Well, OK, they're not always naughty, sometimes just wishful thinking."
"And this one?
Pick a fresh flower
Jump In a lake
Your snoring last night
Kept me awake"
Laughing at how hilarious she is, Charity giggles, "They can't all be winners Vanessa. I'm glad you kept these. Here I thought your pockets were full of sheep droppings."
"I'm glad I kept them too. I don't normally believe in kismet but, maybe me keeping all these was a way to leave a reminder to myself. You know, like mementos from the past? I don't know, I probably sound daft."
"Not at all." Charity points to Vanessa's engagement ring. "That trinket on your finger should also serve as a relic from the past. Though, it's also meant to be a symbol of our future ….if you still want a future with me that is."
"You told me to have faith that I made the choice, the right choice, to be with you. I have to be willing to let the good memories back in. Not just have bad ones forced upon me so, I can't make any promises but I want to try, you know, to get to know you the way I did before my brains got scrambled."
Charity is chuffed now. Beaming with her smile, "Good. That's great actually. Thank you for giving me a chance to explain things and thank you for being willing to try."
Apprehensively, Vanessa pointed out, "I'm not ready to move back to the pub just yet."
"S'fine. Absolutely fine. I'm patient. Well, not really but for you, I will be. What do you say we look at a few more of these naughty notes; see if they don't trigger memories of better times?"
"I'd like that."
"Lets have a look at this one then…."
The women enjoyed sorting through the many notes as their first course arrived and a mellow and more tender mood permeated the air.