Crane sat down at the table across from Tetch at breakfast the next day, beaming from ear to ear. "You're in a very chipper mood this morning," commented Tetch. "Everything all right?"
"Oh yes, Jervis, everything is absolutely fantastic," sighed Crane. "The world is such a wonderful place, really. Everything in it is just…wonderful."
Tetch stared at him. "You'll permit me to disagree with you, of course, but I can find very little to be cheerful about at the moment. We're locked in a facility for the mentally ill, with no possibility of escape in the near future, and it's grits for breakfast. I loathe grits."
"Oh, what does any of that matter?" sighed Crane. "In the great scheme of things, life is just beautiful. Just wonderful. The world is a magical place, Jervis, it really is."
Tetch looked at him in astonishment, and then the realization hit him. "Ah. You and Miss Crow have consummated your relationship, is that it?"
"Well, I'm certainly not the kind of man who reveals private information like that," retorted Crane.
"Very admirable of you, I'm sure…" began Tetch, reaching for his tea, but Crane suddenly continued hastily, beaming, "But yes, we did, and it was incredible! Absolutely astounding, you simply can't imagine…"
"No, I can't," interrupted Tetch. "So perhaps dropping it would be best."
"It was simply the most amazing experience of my life!" he continued, ignoring him. "There's no way to describe the feeling, the perfect feeling, it's unlike anything on earth! You can't even conceive of it until it happens and then it's like…heaven! Sensations and feelings beyond pleasure…"
"Yes, so I've heard," interrupted Tetch, annoyed.
"It's the most mind-blowing thing – there are no words that even come close to describing it. They can't do justice to it – it's simply the most wonderful thing in the world!"
"Yes, I'm sure it is," snapped Tetch. "Now if you would quit going on about it…"
"It's like my whole life suddenly has meaning again!" cried Crane. "Like there's finally beauty and sunshine in it! Oh, Jervis, you can have no idea…"
"No, I can't!" snapped Tetch, standing up. "And it's not likely I ever will, so why don't you just shut up about it, Jonathan?!"
He stormed from the table. Crane stared after him and shrugged. "Some people just can't be happy for you," he sighed. He whistled happily as he ate his breakfast. "All that exercise does give you quite an appetite," he murmured, smiling to himself.
"What exercise?" asked the Joker, as he and Harley suddenly appeared next to him and sat down.
"Oh…um…I went to the track to do some running this morning before breakfast," invented Crane, quickly.
"Really? Didn't see you there," said Harley. "What time was this?"
"Obviously…not the same time you were there," said Crane slowly. "Now if you don't mind, I'd prefer to eat on my own…"
"Aw, c'mon, Johnny, everything's more fun when there are other people involved," murmured Joker, grinning at him. "Ain't that right?"
"I…don't know what you mean…"
"Oh, I think you do. Because it may have been awfully early when Mommy slipped outta your cell, but I was awake to see it." He grinned. "So go ahead, try calling me a liar now."
Crane stared at him. "You…you can't tell anyone," he stammered.
"Now who would I tell, Johnny?" chuckled Joker. "Who would be most fun to tell? Dr. Leland? Nah, she'd probably just quietly fire her. Dr. Arkham? A far more enticing possibility. Oooh, I know, Dr. Crow Senior! Wait until Daddy hears about what Mommy's been up to!"
"If you tell him, I'll kill you…"
"Don't threaten me, Johnny, it ain't very effective," snapped Joker. "And it just makes me angry. Anyway, if I tell now, that's my fun over and done with. They'll be a dramatic scene, probably, and then back to boring old normality. It'll be so much more fun to watch you squirm, waiting for me to tell, if I ever do. Yep, I think I prefer that idea," he chuckled.
"You are a horrible, evil man," hissed Crane.
"Funny, though," said Joker, smiling. He clapped Crane on the back. "So, what was it like to finally do the dirty? Did you cry the whole time, all thirty seconds of it? Bet you did. Bet you fell down on your knees afterward and thanked her for letting you do someone at long last. Bet the whole thing was really awkward for everyone involved."
"Was it your first time, Johnny?" asked Harley, beaming at him. "Aw, ain't that terrific? It's such a romantic idea that you saved yourself for her. I saved myself for Mr. J," she breathed, gazing dreamily at him. "Just like he did for me."
"What the hell are you talking about, Harley?" demanded Joker. "You weren't my first dame!"
"I…wasn't?" said Harley, genuinely shocked. Then she grew angry. "You never told me that! How many others were there?!"
"I dunno, I don't remember anything about my past!" he snapped.
"So how do you know I wasn't your first dame?" she demanded.
"Well, I seemed to know what I was doing, didn't I?" he retorted. "It was definitely something I'd done before - the process was familiar…"
"The process?!" shrieked Harley. "What is sex with me, a goddamn math problem?!"
"Yeah, with a couple plus points and a whole lotta negatives!" chuckled Joker. Harley punched him in the face, knocking him to the ground, and began beating him mercilessly.
"Take it back, take it back!" she shrieked, as the guards rushed to separate them.
Crane sighed. Nothing could ruin the magic of the previous evening faster than knowing that the Joker knew. But there was nothing he could do about it right now other than continue with his rehabilitation, and try to get himself out of here before the Joker grew bored with the game and decided to tell someone. Not that they'd believe him anyway. But if Valentina were under suspicion, he knew she'd never be able to visit him again, and the thought of that was unbearable. No, he had to get out of here. And soon.