So my ppl, this chapter flowed out in about 45 min. I wish I could sit around and listen to guys talk to each other the way they do when girls aren't around. It would be like a Christmas present.

*Not related in any way sidenote: I've actually only seen New Moon twice. The second time really recently. The word for today is product placement. When you already know the story, you can pay attention to the smaller things in the movie. You know, like how the frame is set up when Edward first walks to Bella, so that the Volvo is basically the co- star. And that we all have to be informed that vampires only fly Virgin. But the funniest one was actually in front of the movie theatre. The trash can behind Jake and Mike has a Burger King bag sitting awkwardly on top, so that the logo is front and center. When Bella comes and the frame switches angels to their backs, the bag has moved to the other side of the trashcan, but is still facing the camera, displaying those golden buns with pride. The camera switches back and forth a few times but always has that carefully placed garbage where everyone can see. It's like a magic bag. Here's to embedded commercialism. (I don't find anything wrong with this, I just thought fanfic readers would be the only one's who would get a kick out of it.) Without any more delays….

*****************************************************The Guys********************************************************

"Ugggh, dude, that's disgusting."

"I'm serious, it works every time."

Now normally, I'm all for the raunchy sexual stuff. For humorous reasons, the weirder the shit the better. But when it comes to Paul, the fact that he actually practiced the sick shit normally reserved only for porno's, made it all real enough to be revolting. Brady piped in from behind us.

"And it actually……tastes good?" Paul twisted backwards and ruffled Brady's hair.

"Like a titty cream sundae, my man." There was something cute about Brady's innocence. It was a polar opposite reaction to the natural aversion we felt toward meat head Collin from day one. You just wanted to coddle him and his naive little ass. Take him by the hand and lead him out of Candyland. Introducing him to the disgusting real world, one cooch at a time.

"But she really let you, ya know, put that …that in her? Who knew we had such freaky pownany on the res? Brady was dumbfounded. While Quil just kept looking at Paul, disgusted. We were walking along the side of the road at the cliffs, still dripping wet from our morning cliff diving swim. Paul turned back toward Brady again, and shook his hair out at him. It was a friendly gesture. Brady's lack of knowledge was almost refreshing in our lives. A world without death and carnage. A world without vampires.

"Well you see kid, once you get a girl that will let you use all the holes, well that's when life really starts." Brady's eyes got really big and he looked at the road, deep in thought. It was like he was just given the most powerful secret, and he was internally arguing with himself to use it for good or evil. Paul and I saw his facial expression, looked at each other and chuckled, and then turned back around. Quil, walking behind us next to Brady, finally groaned.

"Oh would you put a can in it. Girls don't like any of that stuff, you know. She's just afraid you'll find someone else that will let you do it if she says no."

"I beg to differ, you celibate cum stain. Last night she asked to me to, no more like begged me to do it."

"Yea, sure. Just wait till you want to get with a girl that doesn't have spring loaded legs. You're gunna be so fucked."

I finally had to take a stance. "Shut the hell up, Ateara. It's not like they love each other. If she's too stupid to realize this isn't for the long haul. Well then she probably deserves to be raked over the coals a little. I'm tired of you sucking off your high horse these days." Quil shook his head at me, disappointed.

"And you of all people. I can't believe you go along with his horse shit. Would you like people to think Kim did that sort of crap?" After he dropped her name, but before he finished his sentence, I was already winding back to knock his fucking teeth out.

"Don't you ever bring her up when we're talking about shit like this. Amy's just a slutty tramp. You know better than to compare them. And the next time, I will break your face." Quil just stared at me with a little smile.

"My poin-t" He annunciated the "t" at the end of the word just daring me to slap the shit out of him. After my last comment however, Paul seemed to take just the slightest bit of offense. I mean, she was a slutty tramp, but I shouldn't have ball sacked the fact that he didn't have something like the rest of us.

"Oh get over it marker dick. You know Amy's got two, maybe three more good weeks left before you leave her in a box by the road." He shrugged and acted bored with our talking. He knew I was right, but I think deep down he was jealous…not of imprinting…just of people having things that he didn't. I was gunna have to change battle tactics to avoid any more friendly fire. My smile widened at deciding my new angle. I turned back and looked at Quil.

"So Anyways, you're awful high and mighty for someone who's tapped a mountain lion." Quil, realizing where I was going with this, adjusted the towel around his shoulders and cleared his throat.

Paul, catching on, smiled too. "Oh yea! You sly motherfucker!"

"That has nothing to do with this." He said matter-o-factly, trying to avoid this conversation.

"Has to do with what?" Brady asked, not catching on.

"Well you see Brady, Quil here had a little …encounter before going all bitch for Claire-bear."

"Ok, HA HA. Let's just drop this." Quil was getting so uncomfortable. This was great.

"Yup, it was a chilling spring night…" I started out, setting the tone like the beginning of a fairytale "And young squire Ateara here, was hunting his realm for beaver. Now most men would have settled for small game, easy targets. The inexperienced and …young" I rolled the last word and then laughed along with Paul. Brady was scratching his head not exactly knowing where the bullshit stopped and the facts began. Quil just looked out at the water, embarrassed and pursing his lips. "So then, we approach a heard of outsiders bonfire'ing on the beach. The rest of us men, take care of the few suspected drug pushers, where as Sir Lickalot can't be ripped away from his personal mission. Maidens to the left and maidens to the right, almost throwing each one to the side in search of that one…perfect……labia." Paul was clutching his sides in laughter and Quil was clenching his towel, about to explode. "And finally, like the sun rising over a new day, his Holy Grail appears to him. Smelling of Patchouli and drugstore perfume.

"Just shut the fuck up." Oh, this was too much fun. How I had forgotten what telling funny news was like to someone who didn't know.

"Quil, Quil, Quil. Young Sir Nevertouchedonebefore deserves to know the lore of fallen knights before him. As if to warn him that there are other evil things in the world wanting to eat him alive. Not just lifeless bloodbags." I even had to giggle for a moment.

"Now, this maiden was not like others of her kind you see. Sure, she looked rode hard and put away sweaty, and her breath did taste of menthol lights, but there was just something…special about this one." Paul just kept giggling away, and Brady was so perturbed that he didn't get the joke. "She hooked the hand not holding a plastic red beer cup, around this valiant knight. And the rest…well the rest is just a happily ever after. Becoming a man, in a bush at First Beach." Paul couldn't hold back anymore.

"So so so. A couple days after right, we're up At Mr. Wieblow's. And this crazy bitch bursts in with a baby, screaming about cheese crackers or something and low and behold its." But I had to finish his sentence.

"It's his Guinevere!"

"Yea, yea. But the best part is….Her TWO other kids come in after her. This broad is at least 30, and HAS THREE KIDS!!!!" Brady's eyes got big again and turned to Quil who couldn't bring himself to look at any of us. Paul tauntingly got right up in his face. "Quil totally did a mom!" Paul stuck his hand in the air like he was waiting for Quil to high-five him. After a few moments of silence, waiting for Quil's reaction.

"…………You guys can just go to Hell." All three of us laughed this time. Man I love that story. Then I rested my hand on his shoulder and looked him seriously in the eye. I did my best to reproduce the accent of the old ghost guy in the Grail room at the end of Indiana Jones.

"You choose…..wisely" He smacked my hand away and the huffed off ahead of us. But we weren't through with him yet. "So sweet cheeks, what is it we use to call you again?" from behind we could see him shutter for a minute and then walk on like he didn't hear me. Paul couldn't resist playing along.

"Oh riiiight. What waaas it?" Quil was still trying to out walk us, but we could hear him grinding his teeth.

"Humm, let me see." I was tapping my chin to make of show of it for Brady. Paul pretended to ponder too.

"Bubby, ……..Baxter?" I waited a few seconds to let Quil's skin tingle in anticipation.

"…..Barney?" Quil threw his arms in the air and then turned to yell at us.

" BULLWINKLE ok? Bullwinkle. Bullwinkle. Bullwinkle. Funny funny for everyone. Now let's stop talking about this." We stifled our giggles to look at Brady's expression. He still looked confused. Quil rolled his eyes and huffed.

"Bullwinkle….ya know, like a moose………..what cougars eat." We waited anxiously for Brady to comment.

"…………I don't get it." Paul almost fell on the ground and I had to bend over and rest my arms on my knees we were laughing so hard. Quil groaned again and took the towel from around his shoulders and snapped it at Paul like we were in a locker room. Paul, back in his playful mood, jumped up and took his ninja stance, ready to fight. While Bullwinkle and Ron Jeremy wrestled in the road behind us, I kept walking and put my arm over Bray Bray's shoulders.

"See, I know it seems like all we do is bust balls around here, but we're a family. I would take a bullet for these guys. Well, most of um. And one day soon, after they've dropped, we're gunna bust your balls too." Brady smiled at the joke, but looked uneasy. I just chuckled and patted his shoulder. "Welcome to the pack, Bradykins."

We winded the bend to Jake's house a few minutes later. Billy had just pulled up and Sam got out of the passenger seat of the truck. Brady and I were climbing all over his fence, doing flips off it, and Quil and Paul were still in the middle of karate chopping each other.

"Professor Xavier!"

"Hey boys."

"You R lookin buff today. What have your old bone been up to?"

"The usual, ice hockey, soccer, yoga, ya know…for the ladies." Ha, that old cripple was alright. Sam wheeled him into the house. We automatically grabbed for the bags in the bed of the truck and brought them inside.

"So where's that daughter of yours?" Sam answered.

"Still on patrol, I told him he could rest up. Said he'd rather be workin." Paul commented this time.

"Still? He was making the rounds when I got off at 6 this morning."

"Yea well, he's kind of wound up, I think he needs to run it off." Speaking of which, this definitely needed to be mauled over.

"So he really kissed her huh? Well, at least he finally grew some balls." Yesterday, our little alpha Jr. took the plunge and liplocked Miss Bellettlejuice. She did punch him in the face, and the best way to get a girl to like you is probably not to cause her to be in need of an x-ray. But hey, we were just proud he was getting any at all. At this point he was probably masturbating as much as Collin. Paul was not as impressed.

"Pff, right. Balls would have been throwing her over his shoulder and bending her over the couch." We all, even Billy, shook our heads at him exasperated. For as much ass as he got, he really was so clueless with girls. Paul put his hands up in confusion.

"What?" As I started putting things away into the cabinets, I had to vocalize what no doubt, we all were thinking.

"I hope to God that when you do put it in the hole that counts, you at least double bag it. Someone like you should never have the power to reproduce." Sam laughed with the rest of us, and Billy started for the refrigerated stuff. We were all helping, but Billy seemed like he had something more to say.

"He did have a point you know, men in this tribe have some powerful baby juice, kids. We never shoot blanks. We shoot to kill. I just want to make sure you're all wearing your raincoats." It was never creepy when Billy talked to us like a pack step-daddy. Unlike if Mrs. Ateara were to say such things, there was no disappointment or judgments. "We don't need any more cubs running around right now." We all groaned our 'we understands' except Brady, who nodded his head vigorously in fear. Sam looked smug at all of us like this lecture was coming from his lips too, until he saw Billy had his eyebrow raised and was looking right at him. Everyone knew they were together forever, but they still weren't officially married. Billy didn't care, but a lot of people did. So unless he was tossing the salad, he had to wear magnum-valley dressing like the rest of us.

Paul was moving boxes around in the cupboard, putting the Cheerios away. Behind some powdered Gatorade and a bag of navy beans he discovered a box of Peeps.

"Those look like they've been left over from Easter, man. They probably taste like granny pussy." Paul shrugged.

"Wouldn't be the first time." Sam rolled his eyes, I shuttered in disgust, and Brady just looked horrified. The kid really was going to have to learn how to use his bullshitometer if he was gunna hang with us. Paul popped two stale, yellow ducks into his mouth. "Hmmm, not quite granny (he took a few seconds, thoughtfully chewing) I'd say more like…..used up single mom." Then, handing the box towards Quil with a sly smile on his face, "Peep?"

Bullwinkle looked really mad this time. He crouched about to spring, and it looked like Ron Jeremy was going to have to live out his career with his dick ripped off. Billy was putting milk away when he chimed in.

"No fighting in the house." he decreed in an eerie, adult sounding tone. Then in a more Billy-like voice, "If you guys are gunna get blood all over everything, take that shit out back."

With Quil's fist mid-punch in Paul's gut, Sam reminded him it was almost time for his shift.

"You better get started on your rounds. You can take the outer and Collin and Leah have the inner. And tell Jake and the guys to get their asses home. I want everyone ready for tonight." We hadn't smelled any new developments around Bella's house for over a week now. Unless it was the night shift, we had severely cut back on the size of our hunting parties. "Emily said she wanted to leave at 3 or so, so be at the cottage by 2:30."

Whenever Emily took day trips up to the Makah res nowadays, Quil ALWAYS tagged along. Wendy knew all about what was going on, and after sobbing over it a while, she accepted it like everybody else. Violet and Claire's dad however, was freaked the fuck out. He wasn't allowed in on our little secret, so he was under the assumption that Quil was about to be a teen dad and Emily always brought him to get in some kiddy practice. I wonder what he'd do to him if he knew someday Quil would be the one teaching Claire how to doggy style. The thought alone made me smile and contemplate leaking the info myself.

Being reminded that he was gunna see his imprint later, he abandoned the tussle with Paul and made his way out the door to phase. This however reminded me of mine. She was in Port Angeles today with her mother picking up Charlie's grad gift. She was going to visit her grandmother in England in a couple of weeks and they were at a travel agent seeing how much it would cost for Charlie and her cousin to hop a train and spend a weekend in Paris. I hadn't gone this long without seeing her since the fag wedding. I had been really careful not to think about the other night with the guys in my head. Not that I was embarrassed, quite the opposite. The fact that Kimmy had actually initiated the next step made me prouder than the Yankees. I just wasn't ready to share that memory with anyone yet. I selfishly wanted it to be just for me for the time being.

We huddled around the T.V. in the living room. A game was on and Billy started putting some snacks in the oven for us. After an inning, I walked back into the kitchen and hopped up on the counter. Billy was taking some cheese sticks out of the oven and I grabbed a bag of pretzels. I took this moment of Paul's distraction to talk to Billy.

"So Billy, how is he, honestly?"

"Oh you know, haven't seem him this excited in a while. It's good for him. Something to look forward to again." Sam walked into the kitchen and leaned on the counter across from me.

"You're not afraid he's just building himself up to fail. You know how territorial these Leeches are. He has to know this isn't exactly the easiest way…"

"Easy's never been Jake. He's stubborn that way, got too much of his mom in him." Sam adjusted himself.

"I think what Jared is trying to say is…if things go South with this, I don't know if he's gunna be able to deal with the consequences." Oh boy, here we are skirting around the elephant in the room again. How could she even consider such a thing?

"Boys, I don't know what to tell you…he gets so worked up over her. You've seen how he fidgets and bounces up and down when she's around. If he wants to try and sneak in feel or two, well…..well I guess I'm just holding out for Charlie's sake. He'd miss her more than he knows."

"But what if this whole thing blows up his in face? And it turns out to be just a repeat of last time, but worse. Ya know if she…." I trailed off. Nobody wanted to ever talk about what she let slip to Jake a few weeks ago. The treaty had become bitter like vinegar to us. We all would have probably preferred no treaty at all, but with a coven that big……. well there's no denying that that war would come at some kind of price.

"I dunno……He thinks he loves her, and Hell, he probably does. Reminds me of Charlie back in the day. He was head over heels for that woman. Would have probably followed her out of Forks if she'd asked. But Rene was a tornado. Charlie just wasn't built that way." He paused for a few moments. "Even if Bella did change her mind, I don't know if my boy could keep up. But God love him for trying."

Obviously Billy didn't want to think about the occurrences that could break the treaty either. Our entire lives were based around the protection of human life now. And knowing she would so willingly….ugh, what a selfish bitch. She knows what she does to Jake. At least she'd have the decency to stay away. He'd get over it …..sooner or later. After thinking, Billy added "He's always been a fighter, even before he was born. Doc's said it was too early, but Jake knew it was his time. Banging his way out of the womb. When he sets his mind to something, well…" I guess that was the best we could all hope for. Jake would use his graces to woo over the little Forks fiend and the Cullen's would pack up and move on. No reason not to hope for the best now. "Well I'll just say that Cullen kid better buckle up."

Sam, Billy, and I smiled at the uplifting ending to the conversation. But after the momentary mood floated away, a sad silence fell over the kitchen. No matter how we lied to ourselves, we pretty much knew this was gunna end badly.

Paul started screaming profanities at the short stop just as Jake and Seth plowed though the door.

"Oh hey guys, what's a…….what's goin on?" He took in our forlorn faces. I wiped mine off and jumped down from the counter. I walked over to him and smiled.

"Next time………..I hope she kicks you in the nuts." Jake laughed and everyone relaxed a little and started smiling again. Jake opened the fridge and Seth leaned in to the cookie sheet and took a cheesestick.

"Oh yea, Billy I was meaning to talk to you. My mom……she was making pies this morning."

"Hmph, let me go change my shirt" Sue making pies was not a good sign. After Harry died she locked herself in her kitchen for three days. Wouldn't let anyone in or out. Just kept whipping up cherry, key lime, apple, raspberry, rhubarb and blueberry pies. Even at my house we had pie for two weeks after that. Every time she gets upset and feels out of control, she buys out the entire Pillsbury section of every surrounding grocery store. Billy put down the oven mitts and wheeled himself to his room.

"Is Embry still on the job?" Sam inquired because he didn't want anyone too worn out for the big shift tonight. Jake answered after tossing a hot cheese stick into his mouth.

"Nope, phased out after Quil came on. Headed over to Brady's place. Said he needed to pick some stuff up for his mom."

"I had no idea Brady's parents started selling Vagisil at their store. I guess it goes to show what the people want, the people will get." Everyone giggled a little but I found very little satisfaction if the target of my jokes wasn't there to retaliate.

Billy wheeled himself out and went for the last bag on the floor.

"Alright guys I'll be over at the Clearwater's for a while, stay out of trouble." His comment was to all of us but he was scowling right at Paul when he said it. No doubt coming to his own conclusions of what could have gotten Sue so upset. He took out two six packs and put them on the table. "Now I want all you boys to know that I trust you not to touch my beer. That's why I've already counted them and I want all SIX to be here when I get back." Eyeing us meaningfully and then pushing towards the door. He really was the greatest old fuck. Sam went out the door to Help Billy into the truck. I twisted one out of the plastic and threw it towards Jake, who was already sitting in front of the T.V. He didn't tear his eyes away from the screen, but still reached up and grabbed it out of the air at the perfect time. Wolf senses. I grabbed one for me and Paul got up to get his own. I turned around just in time to see Brady leaning his head back to take a big gulp. I swiped it away before he got any.

"No, no, no Braybrains. First beaver…then beer. If you learn things out of order, your training will suffer." Really I just didn't want Billy to run me over with his chair if he found out I got the little dude buzzed. We all gravitated back to the game. After a while, my thoughts floated back to Kimmy. What she was doing now. What she was wearing. What it felt like to have those beautiful dripping lips wrapped around my….oh no no little Jared. Now is NOT the time to get excited. Don't worry, I'll watch this movie again when it's just you and I. I finished the last gulp of beer and then hopped up to take a leak. Hoping the few minutes alone with my dick would be enough to talk him out of his feisty mood.

Half way down the hall, I encountered and daydreaming Paul who had not yet returned from his potty break. He was staring off into space at the group of framed pictures hanging in the hallway. The one he was focused on was the family portrait that was really old. Jake and his sisters were all wearing awful 90's swishy suits and his mom was in the picture. He must have been really out of it because he didn't even notice me coming. I hung my arm around his shoulder and took him out of his daze.

"I can't say I didn't see this coming. Jake's a really good looking guy. Even back then. I don't know if he swings the same way man, but you might as well tell him how you feel." He startled and then looked at me. I leaned in, seriously. "True love is worth taking risks for" He threw my shoulder off and then called me something like a fuck faced cock eater. Before he could throw a punch, and before I could point out the irony of his last comment, we heard Brady yell a terrified 'OH MY GOD' back in the living room.

By the time we got down the hall, Brady was sitting by himself on the end of the sofa and everyone else looked as confused as we did. Brady had his hands in the air and his eyes were big with enthusiastic excitement. He looked at us.

"OH MY GOD….WHAT COUGARS EAT….I GET IT!!"

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