what is up my cranky crew
It's been 84 years since I last updated
Thanks for waiting
On with the chapter
I have nothing entertaining for you here
(I say that like sometimes I do)
Tara Chambler created the group chat.
Tara Chambler named the chat 'Squad Xmas party 2k16'.
Tara Chambler added Glenn Rhee, Maggie Greene, Michonne Gurai, Andrea Harrison, Lori Callies, Rick Grimes, Daryl Dixon and Shane Walsh to Squad Xmas party 2k16.
Tara Chambler set Glenn Rhee's nickname to Chinese.
Tara Chambler set Maggie Greene's nickname to Farm girl.
Tara Chambler set Michonne Gurai's nickname to Swordfucker.
Tara Chambler set Andrea Harrison's nickname to Rabid feminist.
Tara Chambler set Lori Callies's nickname to Car crash.
Tara Chambler set Rick Grimes's nickname to Wannabe police officer.
Tara Chambler set Daryl Dixon's nickname to Redneck hick.
Tara Chambler set Shane Walsh's nickname to Slut.
Chinese set Tara Chambler's nickname to Rugmuncher.
Swordfucker: how would that even work
Rabid feminist: oh no
Redneck hick: im the only one allowed to call glenn chinese
Swordfucker: you couldn't fuck a sword, it would cut you open from the inside
Rugmuncher: the hilt, mich, the hilt
Car crash: IT WAS ONE TIME
Car crash: I CRASHED ONCE
Slut: u crashed on an empty road with literally NO distractions
Farm girl: wtf is happening
Rabid feminist: the xmas party is happening, Maggie
Wannabe police officer: we have a party every year
Wannabe police officer: the party is great but the group chat to organise it…is not
Redneck hick: what day are we having it?
Redneck hick: merle's out of prison on 23rd
Redneck hick: need to be at home
Rugmuncher: can everyone do 21st?
Farm girl: yep
Swordfucker: not the morning but rest of the day yeah
Car crash: sure
Rugmuncher: great 21stit is
Chinese: tara u didn't even get answers from half of the group
Rugmuncher: I will kick you in the spine glenn
Slut: we cant have it at mine again my mums still finding pieces of that vase we broke
Car crash: no can do here either :(
Rabid feminist: hey daryl what about yours
Redneck hick: do you want to be murdered by a methhead
Rabid feminist: yes
Farm girl: hey, we could have it at mine?
Chinese: Maggie are you sure it will be chaos
Farm girl: we have a barn that hasn't had anything in it for years
Farm girl: me and beth use it as a hang out sometimes
Farm girl: I could easily get some more lights in there, and speakers
Farm girl: not sure about drinks though
Rugmuncher: Maggie u are truly shaped like a friend
Swordfucker: what does that even mean
Rugmuncher: it means i wanna party in ur barn and get wasted
Slut: don't worry about the drinks maggie, me and rick can sort that
Farm girl: thank youu
Farm girl: if anyone wants to stay over there's plenty of room and it's actually really comfy
Wannabe police officer: I knew there was a reason I brought you into this group
Chinese: um
Farm girl: thanks?
Rabid feminist: please don't treat Maggie like a piece of meat
Slut: living up to your namesake
Rabid feminist: just as much as you live up to yours
Swordfucker: didnt you two sleep together once
Rabid feminist: MICHONNE PLEASE
Farm girl: glenn hold me
"Oh, it's broken." Tara set the speaker down on the dirty barn floor. "Yep, it's broken. My back is broken."
"Shut up!" Glenn yelled over his shoulder, helping Maggie string more fairy lights along the barn walls. He wiped his forehead with his spare hand. "Is that okay?"
"Great, thanks." Maggie hopped off the stepladder. "I think that's all of them now."
Tara wandered over, still rubbing her back, and surveyed the barn with them. "It looks pretty damn cool," she mused, and the other two agreed.
The large barn had strings of lights all around the walls, and lanterns hanging from the bottom of the hayloft, giving the place a pleasant, soft glow. A wooden table had been dragged in by Beth and her boyfriend, which was piled with plates and bowls of various sugary items, and another smaller table next to it was ready and waiting for the alcohol Rick and Shane had promised to bring.
The only thing left to do was hook up the speakers to Maggie's laptop so they could listen to the very long and carefully compiled playlist she had put together. Glenn did both of his speakers before Tara and Maggie finished even one, but in the name of girl power they refused his help and ordered him to go to the kitchen and make them sandwiches. Glenn, knowing better than to argue, raised his hands in surrender and headed to the main house.
Hershel was hobbling slowly in the same direction, and Glenn ran to catch up with him and offer himself as a makeshift crutch. "Oh, thank you," the old man huffed, leaning on him. "Left my stick in the house again."
"Maggie worries when you forget it," Glenn said truthfully. His girlfriend fretted about it for hours whenever she saw her father limping around.
"I know she does, but my memory isn't as good as it used to be." Hershel sighed. "Not that it was ever brilliant."
Glenn, knowing the basics of Hershel's history with alcoholism, decided to stay silent. He changed the subject instead. "Maggie's ordered me to make her lunch."
That drew a chuckle out of the man. "That sounds like Maggie. Did I ever tell you that she got kicked out of preschool?" Glenn shook his head, and Hershel continued, "She punched a boy in the noise because he told her that girls couldn't hit, and refused to apologise. Her mother had a fit about it, but I just laughed and laughed. She didn't get expelled from the next one, but we got several reports back telling us that she was 'intimidating' the other children."
"She intimidates me," Glenn said. Which wasn't strictly a lie; she did intimidate him, but more with her beauty and how flawless she was than anything else.
"Son, she intimidates us all."
Rugmuncher: yo maggie's dad just hooked up this bigass projector thing in the barn so we can watch a film
Rugmuncher: also hurry up everyone glenn and Maggie are just making out in a corner and i'm getting lonely
Car crash: Zootopia!
Rabid feminist: yaaas
Slut: no
Swordfucker: aw shane come on
Slut: i dont want 2 see the furry film
Wannabe police officer: wait shane don't you literally have a fursona
Chinese: LMAO WHAT
Redneck hick: isnt it a wolf?
Slut: thats why i dont want to see it…
Slut: what if it…
Slut: …awakens something inside of me
Chinese: SHANE WHAT
Farm girl: oh now we're definitely watching zootopia
"How are you feeling, Shane?" Andrea said with a snicker, prompting everyone else to fall into helpless bouts of giggling.
Shane, scowling but still watching the film intently, turned to glare at them and then downed his fourth bottle of beer. "If I become a furry again, it's on y'all heads."
It was well past midnight, and it had begun to snow at some point, but the heaters inside the barn were doing their job well. Maggie might have been biased, due to her close proximity to Glenn, but nobody else seemed to be complaining. Tara and Daryl were having a drinking competition, the rules of which nobody seemed to understand (least of all the participants), and Michonne was having a heated discussion with Rick on the merits of toothpaste versus mints.
"I kind of wish I hadn't invited them to stay over," Maggie murmured against Glenn's lips, before he captured them again in an eager kiss. He had her pressed up against a corner of the barn, hidden behind the now blank projector screen. His hands were under her shirt and stroking her skin softly as Wizzard played in the background, and she could hear snatches of the dental hygiene debate every so often, as well as Tara's giggles as she got steadily plastered.
"We could sneak off somewhere," Glenn suggested, hands sliding down and resting at the waistband of her jeans. His mouth moved down to her collarbone, nibbling gently at the protrusion there.
"It's cold outside though," Maggie protested, looping her hands around his shoulders and sighing contentedly.
"Yeah. I have always wanted to do it in a hayloft," Glenn admitted, removing his mouth for just a second to peel off her shirt. "I think this has been the best Christmas party we've ever had."
"I think you're biased, Rhee," Maggie breathed, tossing her bra somewhere to the side. She'd worry about finding it somewhere; she couldn't think to breathe while Glenn was teasing her jeans down along with her panties, kissing her stomach tenderly.
"Just a bit," he murmured back absent-mindedly, mouth moving lower.
Michonne raised her eyebrows at them when they stumbled out from behind the screen together, hair ruffled and clothes probably inside out or back to front. Rick was passed out next to her, arm tangled with Lori's in a way that looked kind of like they had wanted to hold hands but had been too scared to and had fallen asleep before they had plucked up the courage to do it. Michonne herself was a few strides away from them, seemingly doing yoga, and Tara was attempting to teach Daryl to slow-dance, much to his well-vocalised disgust.
"Where are Shane and Andrea?" Glenn asked, slurring his words just a little bit. Maggie giggled and clung round his neck, kissing him on the cheek.
"Oh," Michonne said, looking around. "Shit. Where did they go?" She shrugged, evidently giving absolutely no fucks about the matter, and straightened up, stretching out her arms. "It's like 2 in the morning, should we get to sleep?"
"Probably," Glenn agreed. "We should help the others with their sleeping bags and stuff."
Maggie glanced to where Daryl was trying to spin Tara under his arm – trying being an important word to consider there – and shook her head. "Nope. Not getting involved in that mess." She stumbled over to the corner where everyone had dumped their stuff. "Me and Glenn are sleeping in the hayloft, everyone else will be sleeping down here." She stomped her foot on the floor to make her point, and then marched towards the ladder with two sleeping bags.
Michonne turned to Glenn with a raised eyebrow, who just shrugged. "It's what the lady wants," he said nonchalantly, and headed over to disentangle Lori and Rick from each other. "Come on, bed time."
"We were asleep," Lori pointed out, disgruntled at being separated from Rick. She cheered up when he grinned at her and accepted the sleeping bags from Glenn, rolling them out right next to each other. It looked like Rick was finally taking the hint that Lori was interested in him.
Maggie climbed down from the hayloft with an armful of blankets. "In case it gets colder tonight," she said, handing them out to everyone. "Oh, and if anyone needs the bathroom, the main house is still open. Just go in at the red door and turn left, it's hard to miss."
"Thanks, Maggie," Tara mumbled, slipping into her sleeping bag and closing her eyes immediately. Daryl threw a blanket over her before heading to a space a little way from the rest of them, shaking out the roll and flopping on top of it. He accepted a blanket from Maggie but didn't put it over himself, using it as an extra pillow instead.
Shane and Andrea stumbled in at that moment, both of them covered in snow from the knees down. "Oh, are we going to sleep already?" Andrea said, aiming for casual and failing miserably.
Michonne pointed to their beds without opening her eyes. "Did you two have fun?" she said, and maybe Maggie was just drunk but her voice had an edge of bitterness to it.
Shane rubbed the back of his head as he headed to his sleeping bag. He met Glenn's eyes and smiled sheepishly. Glenn wasn't surprised; the two had been at loggerheads a lot recently, and the sexual tension between them had been reaching unprecedented levels.
Glenn didn't care. He had a girlfriend and a hayloft to spend some time with.
Rugmuncher: my head
Farm girl: tara we're all in a barn together why don't you use your mouth
Rugmuncher: the words hurt my head
Redneck hick: can we make a rule of no making out in the barn please
Chinese: oops sorry daryl
Redneck hick: oh it wasn't just you
Swordfucker: I second daryls motion
Wannabe police officer: this was the best party yet
Wannabe police officer: Maggie this barn is the shit
Rabid feminist: tara I have drugs
Rugmuncher: can you bring them to me
Rugmuncher: I cant move
Chinese: tara omg you look dead
Farm girl: give me a sec
Farm girl: I'll go get us breakfast
Farm girl: lemme get dressed
Chinese: can someone toss my jeans up please they fell down last night
Swordfucker: yeah they fell on MY HEAD
Rugmuncher: shush no caps
Rugmuncher: its too loud
Slut: I need more sleep glenn and Maggie slobbering on each other woke up me
Redneck hick: like you can talk
Farm girl: why are we using our phones and not our mouths
Rugmuncher: this is all glenns fault lets beat him up
Car crash: jesus Christ so many messages
Car crash: ooh yes lets beat up glenn
Slut: I second
Rugmuncher: I third
Chinese: pretty sure you cant third your own motion, tara
Redneck hick: I third
Chinese: shit
Farm girl: wait until I get back I want to be a part of this
Chinese: its just so good to have friends
Chinese: TARA NO I HEAR YOU CLIMBING UP THE LADDER
Rugmuncher: daddy's coming
What…is this
Also major thanks to greeneballoons (on wattpad) for nominating me for the glaggie story section of GlennTrash's The Walking Dead fanfic awards! That literally made my cry you have no idea
Do you guys like the group chat parts? I loved writing it but I have no idea if it's funny to read lmao + tara is actually my spirit animal
Love you all so much, especially you guys who keep talking to me on tumblr! You have no idea how happy it makes me when I get them sweet anon messages