Author's Note: That last chapter was a little on the hawt side, if I do say so myself. Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. To clarify things before any confusion can occur, this chapter takes place once they are back in Seattle. I thought about writing the drive back but…eh…you can only write so much drive time, you know? What happens once they are home is much more interesting! There are people to see, explanations to be made, and hearts to be broken. Starting in this chapter. Please don't read anything into the interaction that occurs in this chapter. It is quite literally just a hurt woman blowing up and a guy feeling bad because he doesn't like the man he has been. The next chapter is going to be so much better! I promise! Just get through this one! I do end on a nice note though! And I am sorry if this chapter seems kinda all over the place. I wanted to resolve the major conflict right off. I think I accomplished that.
Chapter Ten
We have no right to express an opinion until we know all the answers - Kurt Cobain
A warm blast of air assaulted Alex as he strode through the automatic doors of Seattle Grace-Mercy West's main entrance. The confidence in his steps warred with the unease that twisted in his stomach. Nine days had passed since he'd last been there. Less than two weeks. Yet it felt like a lifetime. He chalked that up to so many life-altering moments occurring during those nine days. Burying his father. Finding out his teenage sister was having a baby. Learning that his mother was even crazier than he thought. And then there had been reconnecting with Izzie. Somewhere between Seattle and Cedar Rapids he had admitted to himself that he had never stopped loving her and living life without her just wasn't worth living. Having her by his side as he dealt with all the crap his father's death had thrust upon him had opened his eyes to how much she still loved him. And that was what had given him the courage to ask her to marry him. It hadn't been her stripping naked or the sex that followed. It had been all the times she held his hand or told him he had the right to be pissed that his bastard of a father had died.
"I heard the most interesting bit of news. Actually, two interesting bits of news." Cristina sidled up next to him, a smug curve to her lips as she waited for him to take the bait. He didn't bite. Whatever she was digging for she would have to just put it out there on her own. "Come on Karev. You know how this game works. You're are suppose to ask me what I know so I can taunt you a little more before finally telling you the gossip that's going around about you!"
"Yang, I just spent thirty-six hours in a car. Half of them driving. I'm not in the mood for games." He fought back a yawn but finally let his mouth round into it. Maybe it would add credibility to his story. Not than he needed any. He really had been in a car for thirty-six hours. And he really had driven at least half of them, if not a little more.
"Yeah. I heard your wife drove the other half." The emphasis she put on wife made it clear that she had heard about the marriage. Probably via Meredith. No big surprise there. He had known she would at least tell Shepherd and Yang. Since Izzie had text her telling her to just go ahead and spread the word she had probably done just that. Hell, most of the hospital probably knew. He let out a sigh and muttered a curse under his breath. Maybe he should have used another personal day. "Also heard that you were naked with Dr. Fields before you disappeared to Iowa. Which reminds me, there are at least five reasons why you went to frolic in the corn. Three are total bull shit but the other two are half-way credible. Want to clear the air, Karev? Tell me what the hell is going on because quite frankly being your friend right now is giving me a headache."
It was her use of the word friend that made him cave. Before he could stop himself it all came toppling out. The horrible sex with Lucy that he wished hadn't happened; how on a scale of one to ten she was maybe a four. His sister calling to tell him their father had died. Texting Izzie with the news and her showing up at Joe's when he didn't respond to the text she sent back. His sister getting knocked up by some punk kid who disappeared. His mother's refusal to take her medications and threats to hurt herself. Then, last but not least, he told her he'd never stopped loving Izzie and would probably die loving her so why not give it another try? Didn't they owe it to themselves to give marriage a real try?
"When I asked if you wanted to clear the air I wasn't asking for a tell all." Shaking her head, Cristina reached forward to push the up button for the elevator. She shot him an unreadable look from the corner of her eye. "I could have done without the whole Dr. Fields is a lousy lay who doesn't shave her legs bit you know. There are some things that should not be shared and that is one of them."
"Whatever," he muttered. He couldn't say anything else because she was right. He had shared way more than he should have. It wasn't fair to tell people that Lucy kept her legs furry or that she was awful in the sack. He had probably crossed a line telling Cristina those things. A niggle of regret tickled his conscious. Just as quickly as it came it left. He hadn't told a room full of people, he had confided in a friend. Had set the record straight so to speak, about the rumors floating around.
"So…sucks about your dad." The careful way Cristina spoke the words made Alex look at her in a different light. She always seemed so aloof. So…cold. Definitely not a person that was pegged as the sympathetic type. Yet, the way she said it sucked that his dad had died was full of empathy; as though she knew what it was like to lose a parent. "Mine died when I was nine so I guess I've had longer to adjust."
"You probably loved your's," he muttered, leaning against the back of the elevator. Thankfully it was just them. "Mine was a real bastard."
"He was still your dad," Cristina murmured before crossing her arms and watching the numbers light up as they rose to the third floor. "You better treat her right this time," she said as the doors slid open and she stepped off.
A short time later he followed, only to wish he hadn't. As though she were waiting on him, Lucy stood next to the locker room door, her arms crossed and a sour look on her face. Her blue eyes narrowed as she caught sight of him. Great. He wasn't even back at work for fifteen minutes and the woman he'd scorned was laying in wait, ready to rip him a new one. It was probably better this way. Get it over with, so to speak. Inhaling deeply, he squared his shoulders and made his way toward the locker room. Did he speak to her or ignore her? Shit. This was harder than he thought. Not sure what to do he muttered a good morning before shoving open the door. He didn't have to look over his shoulder to know she had followed him into the crowded room. Turning around, he faced her, a scowl on his face. "Alright. Go for it. Say whatever it is you're going to say so I can get ready for my shift."
"You're an asshole," she hissed. "A selfish, arrogant asshole! I don't know why I ever thought…why I let you…you're just…Argh! We were friends Alex! Friends! Friends don't do what you did. They don't…they don't use the other person and then just disappear. They don't lie. And they sure as hell don't have their roommate do their dirty work! Do you know what it was like to have Meredith tell me I was a lousy one night stand? Not just a one night stand but a lousy one!" Her eyes glimmered with unshed tears. Shit. She was right. He should have just been a man and told her he had used her himself instead of leaving Meredith to do his dirty work for him. And he definitely shouldn't have told Meredith she was lousy. "On top of that, you lied to me! You told me you were leaving because of your sister, not because your dad died!"
"My dad was an ass. We weren't exactly close. I went to the funeral for my sister. Nobody else." It was the only explanation she was going to get out of him because quite frankly the way he looked at she didn't deserve one. She wasn't anything to him. A former acquaintance he had shagged.
"Oh? Is that why you're ex-wife went too? For your little sister?" The sarcasm that dripped from her tongue was almost comical. "Oh. Wait. That's right. She's now you're wife again. Gotta hand it to you, you work fast! I'm guessing she wasn't a lousy lay!" Her lips pressed together and she let out a huff of air. "I'm sorry. That was uncalled for. My beef isn't with her. And I'm sorry your dad died. I just…why the hell couldn't you be honest! You're overly honest most of the time anyways, so why hold back now?"
"I don't know," he admitted before moving on to his locker. He wasn't in the mood to come up with half-ass answers to her desperate questions. This was why he preferred strange women he didn't have to see again. They didn't follow him around with tears in their eyes wanting to know why.
"You don't know? That's it? You don't know?" The shrillness of her voice made him want to clap his hands over his ears. "What the hell kind of answer is that? You don't know. Grow up Alex. Be a man."
"Fine. You want the truth? The truth is, even if my sister hadn't called I would have still bailed because you were nothing but a piece of ass. Some one to distract me from the fact that I told the only woman I have ever loved to stay out of my life. The fact that my sister called when she did gave me a built in excuse to leave." There. He had said it. He had gave her what she wanted: the truth. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't packaged nicely. But then how could he package it up prettily? He couldn't. Truths like the ones Lucy wanted were painful. "Look, I'm sorry, you got hurt but come on, what did you expect?"
"I don't know," she whispered, her cheeks turning a bright cherry red as she realized they had attracted the attention of every single person in the locker room. "I guess I thought because we were friends…"
Shit. There it was again. That friend word. Where the hell had all these "friends" been before his father's death? He sure as hell hadn't realized he had them. His mind worked over time, looking for the right to say, but came up with nothing. There wasn't anything nice to say about the situation. Nor was there anything that could make things just a little bit okay. How he had treated Lucy had been awful. It ranked up there with some of the things his father had done. Shit. Shit. Shit! The last ten years of his life flashed before his eyes. What he seen wasn't pretty. It was all to familiar. He hadn't been a drug addict or physically abusive, but he sure as hell had been like his father in every other way. Muttering a few curse words under his breath, he turned his attention toward changing into his scrubs. He knew giving Lucy the cold shoulder while she stood there confused, angry, and crying was cruel. It was another jackass thing to do that yet again reminded him just how like his father he was.
"She's a bitch." Cristina murmured from his left side. On his right, Meredith added her agreement. They were probably right but damn it, it didn't make what he had done right. "Don't let her get to you. She isn't worth it."
"I'm not letting her get to me so let's just drop it." Smoothing down his scrub top, Alex shot them each a scowl. He didn't need them trying to make him feel better. He was a big boy. So his dad had died. Big deal. So some girl he had fucked couldn't handle being just a one night stand. So what. He hated how everyone was staring at him, like they expected him to do something. Well they were going to be disappointed. He wasn't going to go off and he wasn't going to break down. Or whatever else they were waiting for. "Don't know about you guys, but I don't want to be late for rounds." He slammed his locker shut and stomped toward the locker room door.
The looks and whispers seemed to follow him. All through rounds and right into his first appointment. By lunch he had had enough. Didn't anyone have better things to do than talk about him? "Fucking ridiculous," he snapped, a scowl as dark as his mood marring his face, as he angrily shoved quarters into a vending machine. He'd overheard some nurse telling another one that he had slept with Dr. Fields as part of some bet with Dr. Sloan. Where the hell did they get this shit? Not from reality that was for sure. Next time he heard some off the wall bull shit he was going to call them on it.
"I'm sorry," Lucy bit out from behind him. His scowl grew even darker. Great. He didn't want or need another round with her. Was she really that much of a glutton for punishment? "I shouldn't have made what happened between us a public spectacle. It was childish and uncalled for. I knew the score before I ever invited you home. I guess I'm more angry at myself than you. I thought I could be that girl…you know the one that can have meaningless sex and toss the guy out in the morning. I'm not her. I don't want to be her. Just kinda sucks that you were the guy I figured that out with. So…I am sorry I took my anger out on you. I'm not angry at you. I'm angry at me. So at the risk of repeating myself for the hundredth time I am sorry."
"Whatever. We're both sorry." His attention turned back to the candy bar that had dropped down. Snickers was probably not a great lunch but he wasn't in the mood to deal with the cafeteria and he had forgotten the lunch Izzie had made him. Izzie. Just thinking about her brought a small smile to his face.
"Right. We're both sorry. Which is good because we work together and I don't want things to be weird." Her voice cracked a little, alerting him to the fact that things were definitely weird.
"Look, this right here…this whole thing you're doing…is what's making things weird. You don't want to be that girl. Fine. You're not that girl. So chalk it up to a lesson learned and move on."
"And there he is, the asshole I know and love." The drawl of Izzie's voice breaking through the tension swallowing him and Lucy startled him into dropping the candy bar he had just retrieved from the bottom of the vending machine. "So…you're Lucy." The odd fascination in his wife's voice scared him. He knew Izzie almost as well as he knew himself and he knew when she felt someone she loved was being wrong she went off like a bomb.
"And you're Izzie," Lucy countered. Like Izzie, there was some underlying curiosity in her voice that had him wanting to run for the hills. He did not want his wife and a former one night stand talking. Period. They needed to just not…talk. "I met you right before you started chemo. I helped with your egg harvest."
"If you're fishing for a thank you, you're fishing from the wrong pond. And if you're trying to distract me from the fact that I just had about five of my former interns tell me that you basically waylaid my husband in the locker room, well, I'm not easily distracted." The saccharine sarcasm dripping from Izzie's tongue brought a slight smirk to Alex's lips. There was nothing more fun to watch than a pissed off Izzie. And boy did she look pissed. "I get that your feelings are hurt and you hate him for using you but Jesus, his father just died! Haven't you ever heard of cutting someone some slack?" He wanted to applaud her but stopped himself when she swung her anger toward him. "And you! Don't think that just because I'm standing up for you that you're not in trouble!"
Him? He was in trouble? What the hell! He wasn't the one who had gone postal. He wasn't the one who had basically emotionally embarrassed himself in front of half the interns on their rotation. "Did you tell people what I was like in bed?" Izzie demanded, her arms crossed. "Did you rate me based on my performance?" Ah hell. She had talked to Cristina. That was probably why she was there. "Seriously Alex! That is just so…so…not nice! You can't just…you just can't okay? Even if you want to, even if you keep track of that sort of thing in your head, you don't tell people!"
Okay. So he had that one coming. "Good thing I'm off the market," he reminded, hoping he would get points for being proud of their new marital status. It worked. Izzie's face softened a bit and she let out a sigh. "And in case Cristina failed to mention it, I apologized for my behavior." Man he felt like a little kid talking to his teacher. Hm. Maybe they could do something with that scenario later. The bad boy who needed to be punished by his super hot but strict teacher. Yeah, that could be fun!
"She mentioned it," Izzie admitted reluctantly. She pushed her fingers into her hair and muttered something he didn't understand. "Is this how it is going to be if I come back here? Am I going to have to worry about someone else you've…" The words trailed off as sadness shadowed her eyes. Shit. He wanted to reassure her, to tell her that there weren't others but he couldn't.
"I probably shouldn't be butting in but you don't have to worry about me," Lucy interjected. "I'm not usually so…that girl who blew up at him…that wasn't me. I mean it was but I'm not usually like that. I just…things are so messed up in my life right now. I wasn't mad at Alex. More like I was mad at me. For using him. I wanted…I needed…" Her shoulders slumped and she let out a resigned sigh. "I was dating this guy, okay? I thought things were good until he dumped me. Which sucked. What sucked even more was having him tell me one of the reasons he dumped me was because I'm boring. In bed. Out of bed. Just boring. I wanted to prove him wrong. Instead, I proved him right."
"It isn't you," Alex muttered, glancing at Izzie to see how far he could go in trying to make Lucy feel better. Her face was unreadable; which made him a little uneasy. "I'm sure you're probably great in the sack but…I'm ruined. Izzie ruined me. I can try to be with other people but it just doesn't work. They're never her." The slight nod Lucy gave was the only response he got. She shifted from one foot to the other, licked her lips, and then muttered something about checking on a patient. He barely noticed her leaving. His focus was on his wife. His breath caught in his chest as she leaned against the wall and slid to the floor. Dismay filled him as a lone tear trickled down her cheek. "Iz," he started, only to stop when she shook her head.
"We wasted so much time," she whispered, drawing her knees up to her chest. A lock of her hair fell across one eye, only to be blown out of the way a moment later as she let out a whoosh of air. "I can't be mad at you for hurting her or any of the others. Its just as much my fault. If I hadn't left…"
He tuned her out, hating that she was trying to shoulder some of his guilt. As he listened to her if only's it occurred to him that they couldn't change what had happened in the past. They couldn't change something that had happened but they could make sure it didn't happen again. The future was before them. It was fresh. It was clean. It was their's for the taking. All they had to do was let go. "We can't sit around talking about if only's or dwelling on things we can't change. We screwed up. We know that now. Which means it won't happen again. We know how much we stand to lose." He crouched in front of her and brushed a few stray strands of hair off her cheek. "I love you and damn but it feels good to look at you and say that again."
A smile brightened her face as she leaned forward enough to brush a kiss across his lips. "I love you too," she laughed. Another sigh crossed her lips, this time a more relaxed, content one that reassured him she got what he was saying. "So, aren't you going to ask me why I'm here?"
"Nope." Standing up, he held out his hand. As her fingers entwined with his a jolt of electricity shot up his arm. He yanked her against him and rubbed his nose across her's.
"You're not the least bit curious?"
"Oh I'm curious, but I know you. You can't keep things to yourself. Any minute now you're going to tell me why you're here." The scowl on her face told him he was right. He bit back a chuckle. He wasn't going to upset her anymore than she already had been. "Okay. Fine. Dr. Stevens why are you here instead of at Seattle Presbyterian?"
"I am here, Dr. Karev, to inquire about transferring back. You see, I just got married and my husband works here. I would like to be closer to him. You know, so we can sneak off to linen closets in between surgeries and stuff." The wiggling of her eyes suggested she wouldn't mind testing that theory out. He was more than willing to oblige but first he wanted to know if Webber had hired her back. He didn't have to wonder for long. She was more than happy to ramble on about Webber welcoming her back with open arms and, yes, she had already signed a contract that secured the position he had offered her in PEDS.
"Well, I guess now that you're back, there is only one thing to do," he murmured, his mouth close to her ear.
"Hm, and what's that Dr. Karev," she breathed, looping her arms around his neck.
"Find a linen closet!"