Of Kith and Kin
Chapter 10 – Oh, I Can't Forget
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My phone rang early in the morning, setting my teeth on edge. I ground my teeth and picked it up from the side table. Only one person ever called me this early.
"Hi Mom," I said, trying to stifle my yawn.
"Hi baby, how are you?"
"Fine," I sighed. The early morning sun was lightening the sky, turning the mist a swirly blue-gray instead of the dark, foreboding black-gray of the evenings.
"Well listen, hun, I was talking with Grandma Dwyer, and she has a bunch of Phil's old baby things, cribs and stuff, in the garage? I don't know if you need any of that, but I told her I'd check."
My mind reeled. First, 'Grandma Dwyer had been my grandmother two husbands ago. It amazed me that my mother had found a way to stay close with the families of her ex-husbands. Second…what the hell was she thinking?
"Mom, we talked about this, remember? I'm not keeping the baby."
"Well I know that's what you said, but just in case you changed your mind."
Just the idea of what she was suggesting made my heart surge with pain.
"I can't do that, Mom. This isn't my baby. That would kill Rose and Emmett."
There was quiet static on the line, before she broke it with a sigh.
"I know, honey. I just – I know you'll be such a good mom, someday." My mother's voice became quiet and reflective, and I knew that I had more of her in that moment than usual. "You just have so much Charlie in you, don't you? He was always like that, putting everyone else first."
"It's not that, Mom. I'm not putting them first."
"Oh, I know, baby. You don't see it that way. He never did either. Listen, I have to run. Jimmy's almost out of the shower and we're going to Aspen today. He wants to look for a weekend house. I don't know, Bella, I think this could be love."
"Well, good luck. Have fun in Aspen."
"I will sweetheart. I'll tell Jimmy you said hi. Love you!"
And with that, she was gone.
I flopped back down on the bed, trying to snuggle down into the blankets and get myself back to sleep. It was no use though. Renee's words were milling around in my head. I'd never seen my father as particularly selfless. I tried to see him as she might: a man devoted to the safety and security of a sleepy, northern town. I'd like to say it's a stretch to imagine him putting his life on the line, but the fact is, these days, you just never know.
I wondered what it felt like for her. If she'd worried about him when he was late coming home from the station. If he'd missed a birthday or anniversary dinner, attending to someone else. I understood suddenly, fiercely, her need to come in first. After all, everyone should be first in someone's eyes, right?
I mulled over the thought as I drifted back to sleep. I hoped when I woke up that there would still be a cup of coffee, and that I would be alone.
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I sipped my coffee in silence and tried not to look at Edward. He sat across from me at the small table in the breakfast nook, and every time I glanced his way, his eyes were on me.
Closing my eyes to shut him out, I tried to revel in the one cup of real coffee that I was allowed every day.
It was too distracting, him, sitting there. I wanted to hear the thoughts in his head, and I wanted him to go away.
"Stop staring," I said, finally looking at him straight on.
He smiled and looked down for a moment, reading his cup of coffee. He gripped the cup from across the top, his long fingers spanning the edges, before he lifted it to his mouth. I watched his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed. No one should look so good doing something so ordinary.
"Why'd you do it?" he asked.
"Why'd you come back?"
He sighed and put his coffee cup down. "A lot of reasons. Alice. Her kids. You know Huck was afraid to hug me? His own uncle, and it's like I'm a stranger." He shook his head, and I felt my heart tighten. No matter what I thought of him, I knew that had to hurt. Family meant everything to Edward.
"And every time I came to visit, the look on Mom's face when it was time for me to go – I just couldn't keep putting her through that."
I nodded. "She's really happy to have you here," I said.
"Yeah, well Emmett's not so happy."
"Do you blame him?"
Edward shrugged. "I guess not. Guess I have some making up to do." Then he fixed his green gaze on me. I felt trapped. I felt like a stupid girl again, heart fluttering every time he looked into my eyes. I felt like being a bitch, because he didn't deserve anything less.
"So why'd you do it?" he asked again.
"It was the right thing to do," I answered. I stood and took my half-full cup to the sink, rinsing it before putting it in the dishwasher. "I've got to get going. See ya."
I left before he could say anything more. He didn't deserve my honesty.
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It was easy to avoid Edward. A couple of simple checking-in phone calls each day gave away his location. Having lunch with Emmett? Guess I'll visit Alice. Hanging at the bakery? I'll drop by Rose's and help her with the baby's room. Not sure of his location? Seems like a good day to visit Seth, or Jake. After that first morning, I'd gotten good at avoiding him, one-on-one, save a few close encounters in the kitchen over coffee.
He was keeping his distance though, not trying to force a conversation. At dinner there were always extra guests – sometimes Rose and Emmett, sometimes Alice and Jasper with the kids, and sometimes all of them. After the second huge gathering, Esme'd decided to leave the two leaves in the table, so that on the odd occasion when it was just the four of us, we'd cluster around one end, leaving the day's mail and someone's handbag piled at the other.
Those were the times when it was hard to pretend. More often than not, I'd excuse myself to my room, sneaking down later at night to snack on left-overs. I tried not to notice the light under his door, of the soft music seeping out from under it, as I came and went. I tried not to think too much about why it still mattered, after so much time.
About three weeks into my stay with the Cullens, I woke in the morning with the baby kicking my bladder. You would think she'd have better manners for her hostess, but no. I ran a warm bath, easing into the tub and letting the soothing water wash over my skin. The ache in my lower back felt like it was never going to go away, and all I could think was how I wanted to be free, finally, of this obligation.
I wanted to sit curled in a ball on my couch again, watching a baseball game and drinking a cold beer. I wanted to run and to dance and to feel pretty under the eyes of a man. Being here, with Edward again, it made me realize how much had been left unsaid between us. And how much I needed to move on.
After the bath, which didn't ease the ache in my back, I waddled down to the kitchen to rescue the last cup of coffee from the pot. Edward was there, brooding over his own cup. When he saw me, he rose.
"Sit down," he said, looking like an obscene James Dean in jeans and a white t-shirt. "I'll get it for you."
My hand was still pushing into my lower back as I tried to rub away the ache that was leaving me feeling strung out and bitchy.
His hand flew to my back and I felt his fingers, gentle but insistent, through the thin cotton of my shirt.
"You're really tight," he said and my face flushed crimson.
He stayed oblivious though and asked me to sit so that he could do a better job.
"Relax," he whispered. His voice was close to my ear. It twisted up inside of me and brought too many things – some long dead, and some, new and sprouting – to the surface.
"That's better," he said. "Just let me…there."
His fingers slipped under my shirt and all I could think was that he had his bare hands on me. And it was magic. He was working magic, warming and easing the muscles until I could feel the blood beginning to flow through them again, in silvery, fluid spurts beneath my skin.
I closed my eyes and the softest moan sounded in my throat, so low it was hardly more than a vibration. Edward's hands froze on my skin, and then he renewed his rubbing with even, steady strokes. I felt his thumbs dig into the tight muscles as he drew a long, sharp breath. I could feel the exhale against my neck and my head lolled to the side.
I moaned again, and my face flushed at the sexual sound, but god, it felt so good to have the ache dulled. As I relaxed further into his hands, two things struck me: How good it felt to have someone tend to me, and how foreign the feeling was. Everything about me felt soft and the moment I realized it, everything clenched down and became hard again.
"Stop," I said, and pulled myself up to my feet.
I brushed past him and went to the hall closet for my coat. The November air was chilly, with sharp fingers of wind that could slip under your clothes poking at you until you retreated back into the warmth of a building or car.
Edward followed me into the hall, pocketing his keys from the entry table.
"Where are you off to?"
I shrugged, not wanting to give him even my voice.
"Come out for a walk with me. There's this gorgeous spot a few miles from here, well, you'd have to see it to believe it."
I looked up at him and caught the hopeful, wistful look he'd been giving me for days now, always asking me for just a little bit more.
I shook my head. "I don't think so."
"C'mon," he said. "Take a walk with me."
"What? Is your conscience killing you? Is that why you're being so damned nice?"
"God, you really hate me."
Fuck. I sighed.
"I don't hate you, Edward. I just…I don't understand. We're not friends. We were never friends. Why are you trying so hard?"
He held my hand and turned my palm up, staring into it, then swallowed.
"You don't…" He stopped himself, and breathed deep. "You don't think I've ever been a friend to you?"
Panic sets in as I search my book bag one more time. Not there. It's not there. The homework is worth forty percent of my grade and I need that score to be perfect. I swear and Alice looks up from her Cosmo.
I tell her my problem, and she asks Edward if he has an old book. He doesn't and I stand before the two of them, twisting my fingers. I don't want to ask Esme or Carlisle for a ride to get my book, but I can't afford to miss even a single assignment. My test scores in algebra haven't been as good as they need to be. I stare at the two of them and they're having one of their silent, sibling conversations.
Edward huffs. "Fine." He turns to me. "Come on, Bella, I'll drive you to get it." His tone implies that Alice owes him a debt. I don't want that either.
"It's okay," I say. "I can walk." I turn to head back to Alice's room. "I'll see you tomorrow," I say. There's no way Charlie will let me walk back, and I know he won't drive me, not so late.
There's a soft tug on the hood of my sweatshirt. "Come on, Bella," he says, and I can't resist. Twenty minutes in the car, alone with Edward. I lean back, and then turn and follow him down the stairs.
The drive to my house is silent, but I don't mind. I try to stay quiet as I breathe in the scent of him in the car, the lingering notes of Esme's Oscar all but obscured by the sweet smell of smoked weed, old leather and boy.
When we arrive, he pulls into the drive, but stops short. Sue Clearwater's old blue Corolla is parked in the driveway. I wonder for a moment if Billy and Jake came out for dinner, and why Charlie didn't call me to tell me they'd be there. I would have come home for that.
I open the door, expecting to see a small party, and instead am greeted by the lone hall light. The rest of the house is shadows and dark. I start to call for Charlie but a small, soft noise, coming from upstairs stops me.
My steps are light and steady as I grip the rail, pulling myself up the stairs. The noise is there again, stronger, louder, feminine and high-pitched, like someone is hurt, or crying. I don't want to keep going, but then I hear another, deeper noise. A man's noise. I swallow and take one more step before I hear it: Sue's voice, soft and clear, calling my father's name.
My breath catches as I realize what it is, what's happening up there. I sink to my knees and fight the urge to vomit that's sweeping through me, doubling me over. Before I can hear one more sound, I'm flying down the stairs, out the front door and into the car.
"Go, just go." I say. The tears are already there, singeing my lashes with their heat, and I don't care if Edward sees me like this. I just need to be away.
"Bella, what's wrong?" Edward reaches a hand out to me and I jerk away from him, palming my eyes, trying to clear the tears.
"Please," I groan. He puts the car in reverse and backs out of the drive. I shudder with my tears, feeling the sobs in the pit of my stomach, my lungs burning from holding my breath. Too soon, he pulls the car over.
"Bella, what happened?" I want to look into his eyes, I want to see them, be lost in them. I want him to hold me and make it all go away.
I don't answer for a moment and then he's got his hand on my arm, trying to make me look at him.
"Bella?" he asks.
I say the only thing that makes any sense. "Suh-huh-huh-Sue was there." I get the words out and he is quiet for a moment and then he sucks in a breath, realizing what I meant.
He leaves his hand on my arm, his elbow at an awkward angle and lets me just cry, hunched over in my hoodie, knees drawn up under me. Then his hand moves to my back. He's making awkward stroking and petting moves, and god, if it were any other time, I would be mesmerized, but because it's now, because he's touching me now, I hardly even notice it.
"Hey," he says. "Hey." And then I hear his seatbelt click and a moment later, his arms are around me. It's awkward, with the center console between us, but he's got my head under his chin somehow and he's got his arms around mine and then he bends his head and pushes it into my hair. I feel his breath, warm against the back of my neck and it should be exciting but it's just…soothing. He nuzzles next to my ear. "Shhh…" he says. I try to fall into the comfort he's pushing at me and then I hear it in my head again, Sue's soft cry and I realize what it all means.
"Oh god," I say. "Oh, god."
Edward makes that shushing noise again but I can't have it.
"No," I say. "You don't understand. What if he marries her?" I dissolve into another bout of sobs, sucking the snot back like a child, shuddering under the weight of my realizations. "What if they get married? What if I have to move to the Rez?"
He pulls me in tighter. "You'll stay with us. Don't worry, Bella."
"Buh-buh-but Leah," I say, throwing myself into the worst case scenario, almost incoherent with sobs. "She huh-huh-huh-hates me." I draw in a deep, shaky breath. "And she'll be my suh-suh-suh-sister."
Edward just holds on to me, until the console is pushing into my back, but his arms never leave mine and I'm finally cried out, lulled into a softer place by his breath in my hair and his promises, over and over and over, that it will be okay.
I wipe my nose on my sleeve because there's no Kleenex, and I can feel the snot and the tears on my lips. His arms slack and the console isn't pinching against my spine anymore. Finally, he takes one deep breath against my hair and says, "are you okay?"
I nod and he pulls away. It's colder, and I think I must really be okay again because I'm just now noticing that Edward Cullen had me in his arms, had his breath on my hair, had his skin against mine. I'm mad all over because I missed it.
He shifts his seat forward and keys the ignition. We drive the scant distance in silence and when we arrive, Esme and Alice are in the kitchen. Alice is kind of pacing and Esme is unloading the dishwasher.
"Oh, thank goodness." Esme turns away from her chore and gives me a long, hard look. I duck and don't meet her eyes. "Bella?" she asks. I pull away and it hurts to hurt her, but I can't talk about this yet.
Alice paces around the kitchen again before glaring at Edward.
"Where were you?" she asks him. I glance at him and he's frozen by her question. I swallow and shake my head. Please don't.
I turn and head up the stairs, to the guest room, and I hear Edward's voice, low, but I can't make it out.
"You're such an asshole," Alice says, and then I hear her feet, quick on the steps behind me. She puts her arm around me and we walk to the guest room. It's littered with my belongings at this point, but I refuse to call it mine.
"Bella," she says. Her voice is soft and full of conspiratorial understanding.
"I don't want to talk about it," I say. I turn at the threshold of the door. I don't know what Edward's told her, but in the distance I can hear the phone ring and then Esme's voice, a dull murmur.
"I'm sorry my brother's a jerk," she says. I shake my head. She hugs me and I close the door behind me. I don't want to talk about it again.
That night I lay in bed, twisting and turning against the sheets, a hundred scenarios playing out in my head. There's a creak in the hallway and a knock, whisper soft. I straighten my pajamas and answer the door.
Edward stands in front of me. He's wearing sweats pulled up to his calves and a white t-shirt. His hair is damp from the shower, and he smells just warm and clean and soapsweet. His skin is pinked from the hot water. He reaches behind him, rubbing the back of his neck and that's when I know I'm okay – because I want to twist my fingers in his hair, and taste his bottom lip.
"You okay?" he asks.
I nod and push a smile across my lips.
"Look, I-" he starts then stops, rubbing the back of his neck again. "I couldn't lie to mom. Alice doesn't know, but I couldn't lie to mom."
"No," I say. "It's okay. You didn't need to lie to anyone. I'll figure it out."
He looks relieved and says "yeah?" A question. His smile is brilliant and full of hope. I'd almost forgotten about this Edward, this bright and smiling boy, with eyes the color of fresh-cut grass.
"Yeah," I say. "Thanks, Edward. For everything."
"Okay," he says, then reaches out and tugs a lock of my hair that's lying over my shoulder. "G'night, Bella."
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The crisp autumn air cut through my reverie, bringing me back to the man in front of me. There's a stricken look on his face, hardness and confusion in his eyes.
What a lie. Edward Cullen hadn't just been my friend. At one point in my life, he'd been my best friend, the one person that I couldn't wait to see, to talk to, to trust with all of my secrets.
I shook my head. "Of course you have," I said, my voice barely rising above a whisper. "God, I'm sorry I'm being mean to you all the time, I just-"
"I get it, Bella. We both know I deserve it." His voice and his eyes were sad as he dropped his keys back onto the table and walked up the stairs.
I felt powerful, strong…for about five minutes, until I remembered the sadness in his eyes. Then all I felt was sad, with a little bit of anger mixed in, both at him for what he'd done, and at me, for letting him.
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AN: Hoooolyyy – You guys literally moved me to tears this week with your reviews. I loved hearing your funny stories, and I was so touched by your sad ones. PS – it's on the same aisle as the lube and condoms. :)
As always, Beta love belongs to Kris and FDM. I've been ridiculously productive lately, and they've been keeping up like a dream. *hearts* I love you guys. :)
Contagiously stepped in and did a fantastic job as pinch pre-reader. Swear to god, I'm the luckiest girl in fandom!
This week, I've been owned hard by three fics: First is Rochelle Alison's Starry Eyed Inside. I read all four chapters once…and then again the same day. It's perfection. Next was Giveusakiss413's new o/s titled "Stay Golden." I may have reread that fic twice in the same day too. Both reminded me why I love twidom, and both can be found in my favorites.
Last, but not least, was FDM's newest installment of "Just Like Chocolate." I love these boys when they're happy. Very sweet and smexy. Just like FDM. :)