October 4, 1953
Crabapple Cove, Maine
Well, Journal, this is the first time I've written in here since moving to Maine. It's been a little more than two months since I left Korea and it's been a trip already. It's not just the reminders of the war everywhere and coping with being a family and a crutch for Hawkeye. Oh, no, it's a battle to keep on my toes in a small town with traditions and conventions…and I broke every one of them.
It's not that I don't admire my new family within society's expectations. Granted, I've only just met my father-in-law and heard of the other Pierce family members through word of mouth. I love my daughter to pieces and would die a million times to make her happy and safe. Even her birthday a couple of weeks ago had me smiling. She turned two, that little mite of mine, and made me wish all the more that I could be the mother she wants.
While the town itself I can handle (and will talk about in another entry), there is one person I want to focus on. My main concern is a woman named Mrs. Pettigrew. Hawkeye warned me about her before we even left Korea. He claimed that she was a sort of dragon. She hoarded everything that wasn't hers and expected everyone to worship the ground she walked on. She was nasty, rude and just plain unreasonable. I would have preferred to deal with Frank Burns than Mrs. Pettigrew by the way Hawkeye talked about her.
Apparently, she had known his family for years and was always a neighbor. There was some history there, I suppose, considering most of the pictures I saw before coming had her in them. It was easy for me then to give this woman the benefit of my doubt because I haven't met her until recently. Oh, I didn't think that she was as bad as my husband painted her to be and I had heard enough of the woman to make me vomit. I mean, all of the characters of Crabapple Cove, while mostly conformist, seem pretty interesting. The newspaper itself was always a laugh!
When I arrived here, Mrs. Pettigrew was more malicious than I expected. I thought that she would allow me the same space and get to know me. It was only common courtesy to make someone an acquaintance before pelting out judgments. My father-in-law did state clearly from the first day that the town was already gossiping about the way we handled our relationship, Shannon being born before we married and coming home from war without a care in the world about their opinions. Mrs. Pettigrew was no exception.
Crabapple Cove aside, Mrs. Pettigrew's shadow loomed. I was wrong about her. That woman decided to test me. ME! She wanted to check to see if I was the real thing, like some lab rat injected with a serum. She put me in such a position that I had to force her to show her hand. And my own father-in-law was privy to her plans. Daniel Pierce, resident doctor and all-around friend to all, told her off and she did it anyway! And she pretended to be a friend in the process!
I am still seething. It has been almost three weeks since the incident, when I invited her to breakfast. What a scene! And there she sat at the dining room table, talking to me like I was some normal human being. How dare she though?! How dare she use my kindness and expose her scheming?! It's unheard of. Most certainly, I will not extend such a request again.
I can handle compassion (which I was trying to be). I cannot abide by worthless and underhanded plans. I honestly had enough of them with Flagg. But I cannot fault Daniel for trying to prevent it. He tried telling this woman off and keeping her off of our backs. Damn, damn, damn!
Right now, it's been like walking on eggshells with Daniel. Sure, he did nothing wrong. He just kept the drama away from us. But I know that he sees this as involvement. He's been trying his best to somehow make it up to me. What he'll do, I cannot say, but he's been giving me more space and has offered to help more. Our once warm relationship is a little frosty. It doesn't help that Hawkeye isn't in a better mood either.
Something is churning in Hawkeye's mind. I know it. He's been thinking about something and it isn't just Korea. No. He's contemplating something. We'll see what it is. It's not like Love to keep it to himself. He'll tell me in his good time.
I heard a knock on the door behind me. Sighing, I closed the journal. I knew what it was about. It was Hawkeye, reminding me that we had a date tonight.
Daniel had taken some time off and had been urging us to have a night to ourselves. For the past four days, he had been nagging at us to have an adult life. Once Hawkeye put in a dinner reservation at Eddie's, the deal was sealed. He surprised me this morning with the revelation and talked about all these plans for the night. Walking by the beach, coming home drunk, staying up past our bedtime…all of these things we used to do in Korea, he wanted us to enjoy now. And Daniel was encouraging it all the way at the table, saying that he already booked his hours and tonight and tomorrow morning wasn't one of them. He was free to watch Shannon.
To say the least, I was surprised. My initial reaction was also fear. Sure, I can moderate myself. Drinking was a pastime, but it wasn't as bad as it was maybe three, four years ago. But we had come home less than three months ago. I wasn't ready to come out of this shell and meet new people and taking care of appointments was not helping. Going to the grocery store and to that festival had been enough. It was too much!
Worse, I didn't want to leave Shannon behind. Guilt of leaving her also compounded the issue. I was panicking from breakfast onward. Daniel had taken care of her for so long now. It was supposed to be my turn to have her. He had done enough for the little girl. I could not thank him enough for his efforts.
I was wary, even as I opened the book again and wrote the closing:
There's a knock at the door. It's my cue. Hawkeye and I have a date tonight. Wish me luck. I'll write more about it later too.
I opened the door and smiled at Love. "You didn't have my permission to come near," I teased.
Hawkeye had my coat and opened it for me so that I could slip in. Once I was buttoned up, he replied, "The rules didn't say that I couldn't knock."
"Oh? I wasn't aware." I kissed him and turned to lock up.
It was a short walk to Eddie's and a warmer night than normal. We did not need the car. Daniel offered it though. The keys dangled in his fingers as we reached the door. Even Shannon was there, begging for hugs and kisses. Hawkeye declined the Pakcard, taking me by the arm as he obliged our daughter her wishes. I did the same as he led me out the door, waving good night.
I was so nervous as we walked further away. "I didn't prepare a dinner," I said, wanting to turn back. "Your Dad will need something."
"Jeanie, he's cooked since before I was born," Hawkeye pointed out. "He doesn't need your help now."
"What about the dishes?" I was grasping at any excuse I could to run. "I left some from lunch."
"Dad has two hands. He's done it before."
"Hawkeye, what about the laundry? I left a wet load in the washer. The dryer is still going too."
Hawkeye stopped and looked at me. His hands were on my shoulders. "Jeanie, what is the matter with you? Don't you want to go to dinner tonight?"
"Yeah, I do." I was hesitant though.
"And don't you want to drink? Dance? Have a good time?"
"I do, but –"
"Why are you so guilty?"
He caught up quickly. The game was up. I sighed. I didn't want to admit these feelings to Hawkeye…not yet anyway. I was still exploring what it meant to be a mother. Sure, I guess I was winging it pretty well. But I still thought there were too many flaws. We drank less and less (minimal three drinks a night now) and conducted ourselves in a more befitting manner for a married couple. But there was still the spark of doubt inside of me that told me that I was worthless.
And that was it. I still believed that I was not part of this wonderful picture. I mean, I deserved it. I worked pretty hard to get out from under Flagg's boots. But the prize I was paying was possibly ruining my daughter's life. I wasn't there from the beginning. She was given to Trapper and then Daniel. Hawkeye and I were the biggest change in her young life. It was enough to make me cry.
Quickly, I wiped the tears from my face. "I'm afraid."
"Of what?" Hawkeye pulled me closer and embraced.
"Many things," I replied honestly. "Can we talk about it later? When we don't have a million ears around us?"
Hawkeye understood immediately. Already, there were other couples doing the same thing we were. Most of them were about our age, maybe a little younger, and all of them heading over to Eddie's. There were some teenagers as well, too young to drink, but willing to have a good time elsewhere. I noted Larry walking the other way with a beautiful girl. I thought it was the one he sought to date.
Taking a deep breath, I hooked my arm back in with Hawkeye's and took the lead. Within half an hour, we were in the parking lot and trying to get in line. Already, at five in the evening, it was crowded and people were seeking spots and pushing each other for entry. We narrowly missed being hit a few times in each driver's desperate yearning to lock up their car and get in.
When we managed to get behind some couples on our way in, I tugged at Hawkeye's sleeve. "Is it normally like this?" I asked.
Music filtered over our heads as Hawkeye answered. "Depends on the night. Sometimes, Eddie has it worse."
"Oh?" I was interested.
He nudged me ahead. Paulie was at the door. He waved me and Hawkeye in and pointed to a table in the far corner, where most of the married couples were seated. We obliged this request. A waitress dropped off some menus and was off, wiggling her hips at Hawkeye as she fluttered away on her roller-skates. He tried ignoring the woman, gulping and glancing at me to see if I noticed. I pretended that the incident did not happen. I listened to the music and chose my meal instead.
I came across a fallen tree.
I felt the branches of it looking at me.
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on.
So, tell me when you're gonna let me in.
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.
The same woman was brazen enough to return. She immediately gave Hawkeye a beer and asked me what I wanted to drink. I ordered a gin for the appetizer and some tea for dinner. She smirked, writing it down on a notepad. We also gave her our desired food.
"Thank you, Lucy," Hawkeye said. He handed her the menus back.
"You're welcome," she replied, winking. Then, she leaned closer to Love. "Don't you think she's a little too old, hon?" she whispered.
Hawkeye turned bright red in the face. He laughed nervously. "Lucy, I don't think you've been introduced to my wife. This is Jeanie."
"This is Shannon's mother?" Lucy's eyes grew round as she straightened out.
"Yes," Hawkeye replied. He turned to me. "Jeanie, this is Lucy Werner. We went to school together."
"Grade school," she corrected. She shook her head, almost like she was remembering something. "Gods, Hawkeye, you were tough. You and Tommy Gillis though…you two were something. Milk monitor in the third grade and all, you two were always into trouble. The bottles always seemed to find themselves in strange places."
The two were soon talking about past events from that era. There was much I did not know about my husband and all of it pretty amusing. Some of it was sad too. I noticed that Hawkeye constantly changed the topic when Lucy mentioned Tommy Gillis. I remembered poor Tommy so well. I could not blame Hawkeye for wanting to keep the darkness of Korea away. For the first time, it truly taught us what Henry meant. Young men did die…and doctors cannot change that.
Eventually, Lucy skated away again with our order. Hawkeye met my grey eyes sadly. His blue ones spoke volumes. I reached over and took his hand. I was feeling the same way. The thought of Korea was overwhelming. Even in this environment, we could not escape it. It dogged us, no matter where we were.
And if you have a minute, why don't we go,
Talk about it, somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything.
So, why don't we go, somewhere only we know?
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on.
So, tell me when you're gonna let me in.
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.
I began with some small talk, hoping that I could get us out of our comfort zone. I pointed out the examination rooms. It had been about a month since we decided to close shop. I discussed opening them up again. When Hawkeye nodded agreement, I pushed him a little further. I thought about helping him.
"Not right now," Hawkeye decided.
I didn't even add my argument for it. "Why not?"
"You're not well, Jeanie. You can't take care of a house, a family and a town by yourself."
"I didn't say it had to be by myself. I wanted to be of some use."
"You can take the appointments down still. Dad gave you that job."
I blushed. "I could still. I was hoping –"
"No," Hawkeye finalized. "Not now anyway. I've decided on something else."
This is what I had been waiting for. I rubbed his hand with my thumb. "What?"
"I'm going back to the clinic with Dad," Hawkeye announced quietly. "I was thinking next month. I need to talk with the director."
"That's all?" I was visibly relieved. "I was so worried that it was something else."
"Well, Mrs. Pettigrew got my goat too," Hawkeye admitted. "You know this. But I think I've got the perfect plan."
I groaned. "Oh, Hawkeye, I don't want revenge. I want you to save it for Melvin Cochran."
"No, no, nothing of the sort. I think she needs a taste of her own medicine."
"That's up to you. I don't be a party to this. I am finished with her."
Hawkeye saw the resolve. "I haven't seen you like this before, Jeanie. You've swept your mother under a rug without a qualm. This is different."
"It is." I retracted my hand. Lucy returned with our drinks and the food. "This is one toxic relationship I cannot have. She can be the neighbor all she wants. I will not stand in the way between her and your Dad. I will support any decisions and tolerate the get-togethers. But I cannot like her."
Hawkeye nodded. He had no witty comment to say. He saw the seriousness on my face and decided that it was not worth it. Instead, he picked up on another subject matter. He thought about Shannon's birthday and wanted to talk about Christmas. That was safer. We discussed gifts and what to do about Daniel. By the time we were full and asking for a check, Eddie had begged us to stay for the dancing.
"Oh, come on, you two lovebirds," he insisted. "I've got the perfect tone!"
He also gave us another round on the house. Hawkeye and I shrugged our shoulders. We sat back down and soon relaxed, Hawkeye more so than I was. My mind was on the clock. A little girl was going to bed within the hour and might miss us. I didn't like skipping Shannon's bedtime.
Hawkeye put my unease to rest soon enough. Once Eddie served us our fourth set of drinks, he was braver and I was calming down little by little. Taking me to the dance floor, he whispered all sorts of promises. It took me back to Korea. It wasn't the bad part about being there either. I recalled the moments we tried our best to find some privacy. Hawkeye always made it worth my time too. He was always the biggest instigator then…
If you could read my mind, Love,
What a tale my thoughts could tell.
Just like an old time movie,
About a ghost from a wishing well,
In a castle dark or a fortress strong,
With chains upon my feet.
You know that ghost is me
And I will never be set free
As long as I'm the ghost that you can see.
If I could read your mind, Love,
What a tale your thoughts could tell.
Just like a paperback novel,
The kind the drugstore sells.
When you reach the part where the
Heartaches come, the hero would be me.
Heroes often fail…
And you won't read that book again
Because the ending's just too hard to take.
Towards the end of the song, I heard someone yelling faraway, past the parking lot. I couldn't tell from the noise around me what was going on. I tried focusing on Hawkeye instead because of the magic behind the moment. He was nestling into my neck and nibbling out of sight. He also moved so close to me that I felt every muscle under his clothing bristle with excitement.
I wanted to enjoy it. I really wanted to. It reminded me of our initial dating days. But that young voice kept coming back to me. It rang of desperation. There was a tinge of hysteria in there too. There was death nearby and I had to stop it. My mind screamed to pay attention.
Once the song ended, I tried to find the source of that voice. Hawkeye was confused. He tried grabbing me for another dance and to get my mind off of it, but I pushed him away. When I heard the cry for help again, I raced away and ran outside. The screaming grew louder the closer I got to the beach.
"He's drowning! He's drowning! Help! Help!"
I wasn't thinking. Dress or not, I rushed ahead and listened. There was a girl at the shoreline. She was pointing to the waves. A boat was overturned. She kept saying something about Larry. He had taken the boat out to pick up the lobster traps her father had left because she had forgotten to get them and was afraid because she couldn't swim. The waves had been too much and it overturned quickly.
At the moment, I did not care. Just like in Korea, I disregarded all of the dangers. I plunged right in.
Lyrics are (in order) Keane's "Somewhere Only We Know" and Gordon Lightfoot's "If You Could Read My Mind".