posted: 06/25/16
Haise writes a pun book and it's a huge hit.
(major crack and OOCness, read at your own risk)
im too busy laughing to make serious stuff
'cannibal (noun) - someone who is fed up with people'
"Please, Arima-san," Haise says earnestly. "I want to write puns for a living."
Arima pushes his glasses up with a foreboding glint. "Let me clarify. You want to resign from the CCG to be a pun author."
"My schedule will be fully booked if I don't."
"I hope there will be no math puns or else, we'll have problems."
At the side, Akira stares for a moment. "I'm not explaining this to the directors. I like my sanity intact, thanks."
"AKIRAAAA!"
Hirako is honestly done with his best friend's antics, 2000% done.
"Hirako, my son has found the right path," Arima gushes, tears streaming down his chibified face. "He's ready, I'm proud."
". . . what the fuck, man."
"He is too invaluable," Washuu snaps, massaging his temples with a sigh.
He should have never put the one-eyed ghoul into Arima's clutches.
"Director Washuu," ah, and here it is, his excuse for approving Sasaki's foolhardy decision. "Look at my son."
Washuu turns and is assaulted by the sparkles and flowers surrounding the two investigators. "You have no ability to procreate - "
He nearly bites his tongue off to prevent himself from adding 'you goddamn bastard'. Be professional, Washuu, be professional.
Sasaki's eyes widen and start to water. "I'm not Arima-san's son?"
The Shinigami of the CCG gives him the stink-eye, before hastening to comfort his 'son'. "Of course you are, you are the sun that brightens my day."
Washuu starts counting backwards from twenty. He gives up at eleven. "Fuck, fine, on one condition."
"ANYTHING."
And then they're both in his personal space and his fingers twitch a little towards the hidden knife in his blazer. Pity, the government has a no-killing-humans rule but maybe Sasaki. . . .
"You train more half-ghouls while you write your damn book, Sasaki, and then get the fuck out of my office because I never want to deal with either of you again."
Arima pulls out a party popper from nowhere, and hands Sasaki some balloons. "I'm proud, son."
Washuu is pretty sure he's dying.
Urie regrets every decision that he's ever made that led him in this situation where he has to bear Sasaki's puns every single moment of the day.
His mentor even had the audacity to recite them while beating him effortlessly into the ground.
Saiko and Shirazu are joining in, too, dear god, and he's certain that they do it to spite him.
Mutsuki has the decency to look sympathetic but Urie has seen him sniggering and encouraging his teammates.
He's willing to bet his entire life savings that it's Mutsuki who gave him the pun shirt for his birthday.
Being a mass murderer sounds promising.
Touka has brought home a bestseller book as a gift for Yomo and he's touched that she knows him so well.
It's the Bananaise by Sasaki Haise, an acclaimed pun book, and Yomo adores it.
Touka eventually becomes curious and he gleefully ropes her over to the dark side. They now bond over hours spent pouring over the puns and discussing the various situations in which a pun may be used.
There's an email address on the back, encouraging readers to send pun recommendations. Yomo doesn't like technology but it is so worth the in-depth chat he had with Sasaki.
Nishio catches a glimpse at the inside back cover once and his eyes grow large behind his glasses.
Touka glares menacingly. "Buy your own," she hisses and Yomo applauds her.
Nishio throws his hands in the air. "Why isn't anyone mentioning that the author looks a lot like Kaneki?!"
"Good for him."
"Seriously?"
[To: sasarious_punaise
From: shittyglasses-sama
What the fuck ever, Kaneki, keep your insanity away from :re.]
"Look, Ayato!" Hinami says with a wide smile. "Big brother wrote a book!"
He cracks an eye open lazily. "Oh?" he drawls. "Read the shit to me, will you?"
"It's not 'shit'," she huffs but obliges anyway. "'People call me crazy but personally, the moon is more of a lunatic.'"
Ayato shots up and grabs the book, reading it over with intense eyes. "Hinami," he says without taking his eyes off it. "Do you think you could get me a signed copy?"
Puns run in the Kirishima genes. Or fly because their kagune do look an awful lot like wings.
Tatara bans the book but no one actually listens to him anymore because all the literate ghouls have been hooked and wow, Eto is kinda jealous but she soon sings praises to it, too. She resolves to visit this Sasaki soon.
Naki demands to learn how to read and Tatara prepares himself mentally for world domination.
Kanou chuckles, flipping a page in his book. "My son, you know," he says conversationally to a floating unconscious Yoshimura.
Sasaki takes his students along on a visit to :re, like that kind person who emailed him had suggested.
Unfortunately, he has to drag Urie kicking and screaming out of the chateau. "Who in their right mind would invite you?!" he shrieks.
Sasaki hums thoughtfully. "It was Shitty Glasses-san, I think."
"What kind of name is that?!"
His mentor promptly ignores him. "Shirazu, help me, will you?"
"Sure, Sassan. Pfft, hi, Urie-bastard."
"I hate all of you."
Saiko blows him a raspberry and Mutsuki laughs all the while.
Yomo plants himself in front of Sasaki once they get into :re and if that isn't stalker tendencies, Urie doesn't know what is.
"Big fan," the man says seriously with stars in his eyes. Touka magically appears at his side and they both simultaneously push copies of Sasaki's thrice-damned book. "Please sign."
Urie wishes he never saw the Bananaise in the first place.
"Thank you for being de-PEN-dable readers," Sasaki chuckles in delight, magically procuring a pen and brandishing it in the air.
"That wasn't in your book," Touka says in awe. "Are you going to make a sequel?"
Oh god no. Don't encourage him, woman, please.
There's someone making dying cow noises behind the counter. Some guy with glasses that looks like Serpent, probably, but Urie is not quite capable of coherent thought right now when his sanity is in danger.
He appreciates the thought that he's not alone though.
Mutsuki sneaks a glance at him, smug and evilly anticipating his reaction. Shirazu's shoulders shake and there's a giant grin behind the cup that he's sipping.
Sidling up to Sasaki, Saiko smirks. "Well, Sassan already has drafts, right?"
There are harps and trumpets everywhere near Yomo and Touka and who the fuck is that behind them that's rejoicing, too.
(It's Ayato, he learns later. A Kirishima, dammit all.)
Tsukiyama discovers the book by accident when Kanae drops it in his room.
Coincidentally, it opens to Haise's picture.
In a fit of curiosity, Tsukiyama reads the creation of his dear Kaneki-kun.
"TRES BIEN, KANEKI-KUN~!" would echo in the mansion for hours. Kanae was just thankful that her master had come alive once more and that it was through a delightful book like the Bananaise. Her hate towards Sasaki may or may not have diminished at the discovery of the author's identity.
Well, as long as he signs her copy, that is.
[To: sasarious_punaise
From: banjodrumsOHO
Hello, Kaneki. The gas mask trio have recommended using this email thing. I am glad that you're doing well.
P.S. the puns are delightful. Attached below are the pun suggestions that we have created in collaboration with Aogiri.
P.P.S. we look forward to your next book, the Haibanana.
Meanwhile at the CCG . . .
Arima tears up at the book in his hands. "Hirakooo," he wails. "My son has dedicated his books to me, I'm honored!"
"Oh my god," Akira says, blinking rapidly. "He did. There's a section for me, too."
Washuu has been thumping his head on his desk for ten minutes now and Hirako distantly wonders if he should worry.
Maybe later. He's too busy packing his things for a permanent vacation.
Juuzo swings his scythe around thoughtfully. "Haise has some pretty gory puns here," he murmurs. "I wonder if I can apply them in battle?"
Hanbee pales rapidly.
Everyone loves the Bananaise.