On Pasts and Presents: Chapter 10
Marianne's whole manner was telling Elinor that what she'd like to ask about was not open to discussion in front of their mother or their younger sister.
"Why don't we go for a walk on the meadow, it's such a nice bright day, mmh?" Elinor suggested. Marianne let out a sigh of relief. How lucky she was to have an older sister like Elinor!
"Yes. Yes, that would be lovely," Marianne said and started to make her way out straight away.
"Mama! We're going for a walk. We shan't be long!" Marianne quickly called and slipped out before either their mother or Margaret had a chance to react and try and come along.
The sisters walked for a while in silence. Marianne in hopes of finding the right words for the questions she had, Elinor waiting until they were far enough from everything to be sure they would not encounter anyone else.
"What is it Marianne? Did the Colonel write something in his letter?" Elinor asked eventually. Marianne was still blushed and avoided Elinor's eyes.
"It's not that. It's related to that, I mean, it's me, but because of him… Oh, I wish I knew how to explain…" Marianne fretted.
"You said you had something to ask about marriage?" Elinor tried to help Marianne.
"Will you keep a secret, Elinor? Promise me?" Marianne then started. She took a deep breath and decided there was nothing to it: if she wanted help, she would have to talk to Elinor.
"Are you in trouble?" Elinor asked. She would always help her sister in any way she could, but she would not go into things blindly. Deep down she did not think anything was really amiss, but she had to hear it from Marianne.
"Oh no, no Elinor, no! Nothing like that! But it is something that involves Colonel Brandon and I don't want anyone to think ill of him because of me," Marianne rushed to reassure Elinor.
"It's me. When I'm with him, I can't help the way I feel. And I don't know where it comes from and is that the way I'm supposed to feel," Marianne continued.
Elinor took her sister's arm and guided her to a grassy bank. It would probably be best to sit down to have this conversation. Elinor already had an inkling of what this might be about, and she tried not to smile yet.
"And how does he make you feel?"
"I can't wait to see him and be in his company, and that much I can understand. I really do love him so much. But lately there's been… well, more," Marianne tried to explain. Elinor did not press her to continue, knowing Marianne would carry on in her own time.
"When he holds my hand, or touches me at all. Like when we play music or if he helps me off a horse or down from a carriage – I have these feelings. It's so hard to explain…"
"You'd like him to touch you more?" Elinor finally stepped in to help her staggering sister. Marianne's head whipped around in astonishment: Elinor knew something!
"Yes" Marianne whispered and was not sure how to react to Elinor's knowing smile.
"Dearest, I do hope there's been more than holding hands and such?"
Marianne could but stare: what was Elinor saying?
"What I mean is, I hope you've taken your opportunities and kissed a little as well?" Elinor continued, smirking in an almost teasing sort of way. Now Marianne was in shock – was this not exactly what everyone was trying to keep them from doing?
"Yes, we have kissed. And I find I want more of it. I feel I'm never allowed to be enough with Brandon, not on our own. When I'm not with him I want to be with him. When I cannot touch him or even just be near him I miss him so much… and I feel that there's much more that I want but I don't know what it is. Is it like that with you and Edward?" Marianne let the dam break.
Elinor laughed. Everyone who ever spent a moment in the company of Brandon and Marianne could see the attraction the two had for each other.
"Sweetie, I don't have to tell you about where babies eventually come from, we talked about that when you first started your monthlies. And I'm sure Mother will give you her advise closer to your wedding like she did with me."
Marianne was not quite sure she was following Elinor. Yes, the basics of human procreation had been explained to her in rather vague terms, but she had also been left with the idea that the relations required were nothing much to look forward to and not something to be encouraged beyond the necessary.
"Marianne, no one really ever tells girls this before they marry. Maybe because they want to maintain the mystery and also make sure young ladies do not stray too much with young men before they are married. You've seen what happens, think of Beth! But what you've just described to me sounds very similar to how I feel about Edward. I love him – like you love dear Colonel Brandon – and after we married we started to learn so much more about each other. I'm not telling you more because it something that takes place only between myself and my husband an in the privacy of our home, but I'll just say I am very happy to hear about these feelings. We can all see how in love you both are, and once you start life as a married couple I expect you to have a very close and intimate relationship with each other. I say expect rather than hope, because I'm so certain of it." Elinor explained, smiling sympathetically.
"You are saying, then, that what I'm feeling when Brandon is with me, or when we kiss, is a part of the marital relations later?"
"Very much. Not every couple is as lucky, I fear. As you know, not everyone is lucky enough to marry out of love. You are very much feeling the physical attraction that comes with love."
Marianne thought about this quietly for a moment.
"I take it perhaps the Colonel wrote to you about this?" Elinor then ventured to ask. Marianne face heated to a strongest of blushes immediately.
"It's alright, Marianne, I don't really need to know. I was merely wondering if that was the reason you wanted to talk about this. Your Brandon may seem a quiet and reserved sort of a man, but remember when you had been ill and I told you about what he did? Well, that man has passion that burns so hot deep inside him that I'm full of admiration for him for agreeing with Mama on such a long engagement with you."
At this Elinor stood up and started to walk home. Marianne sat where she was, eyes wide. Elinor was full of surprises these days, talking about Brandon's passion like that! It was good that Elinor left her there, thought. Marianne's mind was swirling with all the things Elinor had said, and all the things that Christopher had said in his letter. And, not the least, all the things that she was learning to feel now. She would have to think about her letter a little.