Authors note: went back and changed a major bit to chapter 9, so would apprieciate if you could reread it to understand the rest of the story, and keep reveiwing
That little creepy fucker
"YES
YES
YES
YES RON THERE
RIGHT THERE
FASTER
ALL THE WAY ACROSS
AGAIN
AGAIN
REPEAT THAT MANOUVRE"
Harry and Ron were having a chess match, Hermione was commentating. Five moves later Ron check mated Harry, before the Ron and Hermione could break out and have celebratory celebrations (I WILL NOT USE THAT THREE LETTER WORD IN THIS PARODY) Harry decided it would be best if he left. So hefting a large chunk of meat to distract the axe wielding murderer, and putting on his invisibility cloak, he threw the piece of meat out the door, then slipped past the maniac, and ran upstairs to the bedroom of Sirius Black...
And it was a fucking mess, Harry guessed some Death Eater's had searched there first, partly due to the fact it looked a mess, but mostly because someone had sprayed "POTTER SUCKS COCK" all over one wall in pink graffiti. Harry examined the other walls in closer detail, he found one wall completely covered in Muggle Porn, which he thought odd because he'd always assumed Sirius was gay. However, on the other two walls were pictures of big burly quidditch players, which made Harry more confused than ever. He tried to look at the third wall, but pretty much all he could make out was a picture that was at his mother and father's wedding, he couldn't see their faces because they had the top of the O in COCK covering them. So he sat down on the bed, and saw a letter lying on the floor. It read thus:
Dear Dumbly
Me and Jamesy Wamesy are having an awful good time. It's really nice that we aren't going to blown to smithereens in about 6 months, so we are having a great time. Why did you steal the cloak off James? He's a bit pissed about it. Well this letter could end pitifully short, with a retarded bit cut off, but it's not going too.
See you soon,
Lilly Potter
P.S. Bathilda Bagshot is a fucking legend, you should talk to her sometime.
Harry put down the letter, and continued to wonder whether Sirius was actually gay or not, and if he should visit Bathilda Bagshot. It was then that a hot and sweaty Ron and Hermione burst into the room, oh sorry Harry, didn't know you were in here, said Ron, as they swung out and were going down the corridor when Hermione screamed, "RAB."
Harry thought this was a rather odd name for her to yell out in pleasure, so he followed her outside. Where Ron was looking at her highly affronted and was about to accuse her of cheating on him, when she realised she was looking at the door. Hermione turned to Harry,
"Revelations big time, the locket, not open, RAB, on note thing, YES THE LOCKET, in the room, sirius's brother, appropriate sorta dude, YES THAT FUCKING LOCKET, lets search that room, and if not we go get Kreacher."
"RIGHT LETS GET THAT CREAPY LITTLE FUCKER!" yelled Ron, after 2 minutes of flicking their eyes vaguely around the room. "CREEAAAACCCHHHEEERRRR!!" yelled Harry, and with a CRACK appeared Kreacher. "SO BIATCH, WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THAT MOTHERFUCKING LOCKET?!" yelled Harry in Kreacher's face.
"Harry I think we should be slightly nicer than that," said Hermione.
"Fine, SO, WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THAT FUCKING LOCKET?!" yelled Harry slightly more quietly in Kreacher's face.
So again, Kreacher told a quickly edited story for the benefit of speed:
"MY MASTER WAS A FUKHEAD, then he wasn't, SO WE FUCKED OVER LORD VOLDEMORT, and RABBERS GOT RAPED BY ZOMBIES, it was very sad, BUT I CULDNT BEAT THE CRAP OUT THE LOCKET, which was even sadder. THEN THAT SNEAKY LITTLE FUCKER CALLED DUNG, stole it. I WILL NOW THROW A TANTRUM"
After Kreacher had thrown a tantrum, Harry beat him round the head with a stick for betraying Sirius. Then he told Kreacher he had better get the fucking locket or he was in for a beating. Kreacher took off after Mundungus, and they all sat down, during which time Ron and Hermione went through character development (apparently anyway).
If they hadn't been in a horrible place, with a maniac eating raw meat down the corridor, and half the people they met weren't trying to kill them, and if Harry hadn't stolen all of Sirius's porn and Ron and Hermione hadn't been busy with each other.
There may have been some decent conversation.
But there wasn't.