HI AGAIN!
Marcelle Dupont, CynthiaSylar: awww, I know, it gets hard to see Chekov like this. I promise that the story is taking an upwards turn, though! Hopefully it won't be quite so depressing anymore - although there is a long hard road for Chekov ahead.
Thanks for everything, you guys!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Maybe just a small teddy bear?
Disclaimer 2: Small mention of suicide ahead.
Disclaimer 3: Bones, Spock, Uhura and Kirk make an appearance! (It's not their last time either - so there's your incentive for reading more..)
It begins to rain five minutes into his run, the kind of rain that seeps into bones and shivers its way down into his bloodstream. Within moments, his shirt is soaked and his jeans aren't any better, and Chekov wishes for about the third time that he'd thought to bring a hooded sweater or something.
He's reached the Golden Gate Bridge when he finally slows, glancing up at the grey sky as it continues to rain. Maybe it's just a passing shower.
There's a clap of thunder.
Guess not.
Chekov briefly contemplates turning around to head home before he thinks about the conversation he's going to have to have with Sulu. That promptly turns him off the idea, so he settles for leaning over the rails of the bridge, hearing the cars hum by behind him. The alcohol he drank this morning has mostly worn off at this point, but there's a slight buzz still, a feeling of invincibility, a conviction that he could do anything. A hazy thought floats by: there used to be a time where I could feel this way without that nudge.
That thought takes on a more sinister turn when he looks down at the roiling ocean below. It could be so easy, a voice suggests. It's alarming how much it sounds like his voice. You'd see them all again.
He thinks of Kirk's bright smile and hears Bones' dry wit.
You would never be lonely.
The memory of Uhura's comforting hugs and Spock's aloof appreciation resurfaces in his mind.
You'll have your family again.
Chekov hesitates even as his fingers curl around the railing. He thinks about Sulu's warm grip and Scotty's terrible jokes. Something in his gut coils painfully when he thinks about losing them, too. But if I gain everyone else back, he can't help but think, would I really miss them?
"Yeah, you would," a voice snorts from beside him, and Chekov jerks his head to see Bones glaring at him, arms crossed and eyes narrowed. "You know you would, kid."
"This is a really bad idea," another voice says from his left, and Chekov whirls to see Kirk standing in the exact same position Bones is in. His face is unusually serious, a rare feat for Jim Kirk if he wasn't facing down homicidal villains. "And we all know that I usually don't think your ideas are terrible."
"I must agree with the doctor and the captain," Spock says, materializing next to Bones when Chekov turns to look at him. "It is not a feat I am accustomed to, but in this particular scenario, I am in agreement."
"Don't do it, Pavel," Uhura says softly. Chekov doesn't even turn to look at her; he only bows his head as she gently lays her fingers on his shoulder. He knows that it's just a ghost, but he can feel the warm weight of a comforting touch perching there, a solid anchor grounding him to this reality. "It won't be worth it."
"Well, what am I supposed to do?" Chekov blurts. "I don't know what I'm doing anymore. There's just – nothing!"
"Hey, it's alright," Kirk soothes. "It's okay, kid. It's okay to not know what you're doing."
"Yeah, take it from Jim," Bones scoffs. "He's – what are you now, Jim, freaking thirty? – and still doesn't know what the hell he's doing on that damn ship."
"Hey."
"You are still in the grip of human adolescence," Spock reassures Chekov, ever the logical one in the conversation as Bones and Kirk glare at each other. "Doctor McCoy assures me that human males reach full emotional maturity when they are in their mid-twenties." He eyes Kirk. "I sometimes disagree with the Doctor, however, so you may want to take his advice with a grain of salt."
"I hate it when you two gang up on me."
"Shut up, Jim," Bones grouses. He turns an eye on Chekov, who's still leaning over the railing. "Kid. Listen to me. If you won't listen to any of these clowns, at least listen to me."
"You're dead, McCoy. You're in my head," Chekov says helplessly.
"Yeah, my body's dead, but you can still hear me," Bones says. "You've read the classics, Chekov. Remember what that old guy – er, what's his name, Jim? The one from those wizard novels?"
"Dumbledore! Bones, how could you not know that-"
"Shut up, Jim. Yeah, Dumbledore. What was the quote – something about it happening in your head but it still being real?"
Chekov smiles. "You read the novels?"
"You gave them to me for Christmas, of course I read them," Bones says gently. "Listen, kid. You mean a lot to me. You mean a lot to all of us. If you throw that all away, I don't know if we'll ever forgive you."
"It's just so hard without you," Chekov says, his voice muffled.
"I know, Pavel. I know. It's damn hard and it's something I wish never happened but that's life." Bones rests a hand on Chekov's shoulder. "Life's a long hard road, but it makes heroes out of all of us if you make it to the end. You just gotta carry on, kid."
Kirk begins humming "Carry On Wayward Son" under his breath and only stops when Bones shoots him a vicious death glare.
"Mr. Chekov," Spock says, stepping forward. "I believe that you are sad."
"Great observation," Kirk says sarcastically. "It's great to see that you're even more observant when you're dead, Spock."
Spock valiantly ignores Kirk. "Mr. Chekov, may I suggest to you that should you proceed with your plan of action, our sacrifice will have been for nothing?"
Chekov hesitates.
"We wouldn't give you over to the Klingons," Uhura says. "That's why they fired on us. They wanted hostages and we wouldn't give you to them."
"And we showed them," Kirk adds, a fierce note of pride in his voice.
"Therefore you see my logic, Mr. Chekov. We have sacrificed ourselves for your well-being, believing that you were capable of much."
"Are capable of much," Uhura corrects softly, and Spock nods, taking her hand in his.
"Nyota is correct. You have served us faithfully for many years, Mr. Chekov. It is only right that we repay your loyalty by keeping you from, as the doctor may put it, 'making half-assed decisions'."
Kirk guffaws. "Say that last part again, Spock."
"I'm afraid I must decline, Captain."
Kirk snickers before stepping up to Chekov, smile still etched on his face the same way Chekov remembers it. It still rests easy on his mouth, the exact same replica of the last smile he'd ever seen his captain wear the day he left the Enterprise. "Listen, kid," he says, half-sliding into serious mode. "I'm not nearly as wise as Bones or Spock or Uhura, but you're like the little brother I never had. I don't want you doing something like this. Think about Sulu."
It would break him, Chekov thinks, remembering the stricken look on Sulu's face when he had stormed out.
"It would," Jim agrees. "I've spent my whole life making stupid-ass decisions and I've paid the price for them, okay? Don't think I haven't stared down this monster before. I have. And I'm glad that I beat the damn thing because look where I am now." He instantly realizes what he's said and hastily backtracks. "Okay, I don't mean dead, but hell – if I had gone through with what you're about to do, Pavel, I wouldn't have met any of these people. Or you. Or Sulu. Or Scotty. My family." He reaches out and gently smacks Chekov's cheek. "It's dark right now, but you have to keep going. Okay? You don't get to slide into darkness."
Uhura takes Chekov's face in her hands and stares into his eyes. "I believe in you," she reassures him, hands warm on either side of his face, "I believe in you, and we all believe in you, and Sulu and Scotty believe in you, too. You're not alone."
"It feels that way," Chekov whispers.
"I know," Uhura whispers back; her eyes are filled with tears and her hands are shaky and Chekov wonders why his ghosts are so realistic. "I know, Pavel. Just remember that there are always people who love you."
"Even if they're dead?"
"Even if they're dead," Uhura agrees. "But don't discount the living, Pavel. They'll do more for you than we ghosts can."
"And we'll haunt anyone who hurts you as a bonus," Kirk adds.
Chekov smiles for the first time in what feels like years. "I miss you," he says quietly.
"We miss you too, kid." Bones claps him on the shoulder. "But we'll always be here in your head if you need us."
"And we are always proud of you, Mr. Chekov," Spock says.
"Always," Kirk agrees.
They are gone when Chekov blinks. The only sounds left are the winds whistling past his ears and the rain slapping the metal railings. Cars pass by as always, unaware that on this normal morning, a man called Pavel Andreivich Chekov had almost committed suicide.
"Pavel," he hears someone shout, and he turns to see Sulu sprinting towards him, completely soaked and almost slipping in his worn-out tennis sneakers.
"Don't worry," Chekov says when Sulu skids to a stop, "I'm not going to jump."
"You were gonna jump?" Sulu asks in alarm, his face drained of all colour.
Chekov glances out at the Bay. "No."
"Good," Sulu says, and that's all he says on the matter. The two men stand out in the rain for a little bit longer, watching the ships sail up and down the Bay. Then Chekov suddenly chuckles.
"What?" Sulu asks.
"You came looking for me and you didn't think to bring an umbrella?"
"When you're tearing through the streets looking for your best friend," Sulu says a little grumpily, "you don't exactly stop to think about anything else."
"Sorry." Chekov shakes his head, rain spinning from his curls. "I was being stupid earlier, Hikaru, I didn't mean what I said, okay?" He holds out his hand. "Friends?"
"Always," Sulu says, shaking without hesitation, and Chekov's heart clenches when he thinks about Kirk's ghost. "But first, I have to tell you something."
"Like what?" Chekov asks lightly as they begin walking back the way they came.
"I'm not going on that mission."
"Hikaru, look, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything-"
"No," Sulu interrupts him. "Wait. Listen to me. I'm not going on that mission. Or any missions. I'm resigning from Starfleet."
"You can't-"
"Already have," Sulu says, tapping his communicator. "I love traveling the skies and the stars, sure. But I realized I liked the company more. And you know," he shrugs, "you're my friend. If my friend needs me, he needs me.
"So, as of today, I'm retired. It wasn't the same, anyway, with a different navigator."
"Hikaru," Chekov says, stopping in his tracks so abruptly that Sulu doesn't even notice for a few paces, "you can't give everything up just for me."
"And you can't go this alone," Sulu says flatly. "My first mistake was going off and thinking that maybe you'd be okay by yourself, but I don't think that worked out so well." He shrugs again. "I'm not making the same mistake twice."
"I don't know what to say."
"You can say thank you," Sulu says firmly. "And you can begin paying me back by calling that therapist that Scotty told you about."
"I'll call her when we get home-"
"No. Call her now." And Chekov is presented with the business card and Sulu's communicator.
"You planned this," he half-accuses Sulu as he dials the number.
Sulu only shrugs. "I may have had high hopes, yes..."
Reviews, as always, much appreciated. :)
Much love,
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