If on a Winter's Night

by Touchstone67

One fateful, winter's night, Edward and Jasper's lives are turned upside down. Is their relationship strong enough to withstand the aftermath, or will they be driven apart forever? Rated M for sexual situations, language. AH J/E slash

10. The Wild and Windy Night

Disclaimer: S. Myer owns all, but what I wouldn't give for a Jasper of my very own-sigh.

A/N- The boys are back with some clean tissues and Epov. It's a long one (sorry!) I've said this before, but I hate recapping in different povs, but I felt it was very important for us to hear Epov while Jasper isn't around. He's making progress and I think it's important to hear about it. So while a few scenes are from the last chapter, we get to hear what Edward was thinking during them, as well as picking up where the last chapter left off…thus the length.

The list of 'no read zones' is getting longer, we can add a doctor's office to the list, though rumor has it they provided tissues! Also, we have at least one reader who reads cuddling with her cat next to her snoring husband.

Thanks to OfTheTurningAway for her beta on this chapter.

Hugs to Dannie, who helped me work through the very difficult timeline, listening to me review it over and over even though she has way better things to do.

Now Edward pov

"**~~**"

If on a winter's night he hadn't had the strength…

"**~~**"

The air was heavy with the fragrance of the wildflowers surrounding us. Jasper's head was on my shoulder, his hair tickling my chin, his breath moist on my neck. Our embrace was loose, his arms slung over my shoulders, my hands gripping the hem of his shirt at his waist as we slowly swayed back and forth in a small circle.

I had danced with other people before, Bella and a few random girls in junior high school, but no one had ever had the effect on me that Jasper did. It wasn't just something in the way he moved, although my cock stirred every time he was near, but it was something else, something in his eyes, his voice…his heart.

Sometimes it scared the shit out of me. I was straight, I had touched a girl, kissed a girl, brought a girl to orgasm, but none of those things began to compare to the way I felt when I was with Jasper. I thought I had loved Bella, and maybe in some way I did, but it wasn't the right way.

Jasper was the right way.

He was everything that was right in the world. I felt so fucking girly when I would wake up in the morning and my first thoughts were of him, his hair or smile, and instantly my mood was lighter. There was a way about him that just made everything okay. If he was an angel, his halo would be made of hope because he had an endless amount of it.

It was like his superhero power or something.

I began singing to him, my voice barely above a whisper, not wanting to share our moment even with the wildlife around us. The sky was dark with a scattering of bright stars, but my world couldn't have been any brighter. With each song I sang, his body moved closer to me, his fingers twirling the ends of my hair, his lips pursing and leaving wet kisses along my collarbone. I was sure he felt my growing erection, as I felt his, but it wasn't about sex with Jasper.

It was about something else entirely.

In my arms, he was strong and solid and warm, his contented sighs and gentle fingers soothing me in ways I never knew possible. Closing my eyes, I pulled him even closer as my mind drifted off to a future of us together, kissing, making love, going to college.

Of everything that might be possible for us.

Lifting his head, he looked at me, a silly, stupid smile on his face and a sparkle in his eyes as he whispered the words I had longed to hear.

"Together forever," he promised.

"Forever," I returned before leaning in to kiss him.

Opening my eyes, I felt that hope he carried around with him. It was thick in the room, hanging in the air, caressing me briefly, chasing reality away before it crashed over only a few seconds later. My eyes fell on Jasper, sitting in my wheelchair, his feet propped on up the end of my bed and his head slumped to the side resting on his shoulder as he snored loudly.

He hadn't left me.

No matter what I had said, or the blows I'd forced on his body, he had held me. I had hit him, yelled at him, and he let me do it all. The last thing I remembered was him singing to me, rocking us back and forth like we'd done so long before. When I realized he had put me into bed, any hope I'd had about him staying quickly disappeared.

It wasn't supposed to be like that. He wasn't supposed to be lifting me into bed. He was supposed to be laying next to me in it. I stared at him, the way his arms were folded over his chest with his hands tucked in his armpits, the way his hair fell across his face, shielding his eyes from me.

He just kept coming back for more.

The anger still simmered in me, but I was beginning to lose focus on who it was directed at.

A nameless face that had destroyed my life in a night or the boy who loved me beyond words and had just wanted to make love to me.

Before I realized it, I was calling out his name, his eyes opening to greet mine. Nervous, I ran a hand through my hair, repulsed at the way it stuck in clumps and the stench of body odor surrounding me, but none of it mattered.

He'd stayed.

When he moved his feet off the end of my bed and I saw him flinch, I knew what I had done. It probably wasn't broken, I hadn't struck him that hard, but the rib was at least bruised.

I had hurt him, and he had let me.

"I told you I wasn't going anywhere. I meant it," he replied in a hushed tone. Both disgusted and satisfied with myself, one of the corners of my lips curled up.

"Are you okay?" I asked, barely lifting a hand to point to his chest. Not taking his eyes off mine, he nodded, the pain clearly showing on his face. Sighing, I turned my head away from him, my eyes falling on the opposite wall.

Then he called me baby.

The frustration resurfaced and I told him about my dreams, about how I went to sleep only to wake up over and over again to the reality of living nightmare. How in my dreams, I played basketball or went jogging with him, or held him in my arms for a dance in our meadow, only to wake up and remember that none of those things would ever happen again.

It all came back to the chair and me being stuck in it for the rest of my life.

"You need to go," I told him coldly. He put on his sweatshirt and then kneeled next to the bed, promising to come back the next day even when I said no. Then he leaned forward and kissed my hand before standing up.

"I love you," he whispered before opening the door and leaving, not even waiting to see if I would say it back.

I wouldn't have.

Even though I did.

Clenching my eyes, I held my breath until I knew he was out of the house. His presence was overwhelming, suffocating even, reminding me of everything that was and never would be again. It hurt to see him, to hear him, and more than anything it hurt to feel his love.

As soon as he left, my mother came in, offering dinner. I refused. She offered to help me bathe. I refused. She offered to clean my room. I refused.

I didn't want help from her or anyone else. I wanted to be able to do all the shit I had done before. I wanted to fucking shower alone, I wanted to dress myself, change my own God damn catheter.

I wanted to be left alone.

After placing my sleeping pills on my table, she left my room, saying she'd be back to check on me later. When the door closed, I banged my fists on my bed, growling under my breath as all the muscles I could control tensed. I felt like I was going to explode.

I was so fucking sick of it all.

I was sick of numbly moving along, ignoring life as it continued on around me. If I was going to have to stay in a fucking chair for the rest of my life, I was at least going to be able to do some shit on my own. But in order to do that, I had to…

"MOM!" I yelled as loud as I could. Seconds later, my door flew opened, both and her my father looking at me frantically.

"What's wrong?" my father asked, pushing his way past my mother and into the room to bend over my still body.

"Nothing, I'm fine," I shoved his hands away. Furrowing his brows, he backed off and they both looked at me expectantly. "I want out of this fucking room. I want to take a shower. I want to do physical therapy."

My mother smiled. "I'll call Maria-"

"No, I don't want her. I want Emmett," I demanded. "The nurse from dad's hospital."

"Edward, I don't know that Emmett is qualified," she countered, glancing at my father.

"I don't care if he is or isn't, I'm sure he'll be fine. He's a nurse. He knows what he's doing," I countered quickly.

My father turned my mother. "I know he was going for his PT certificate to make some extra money on the side. I'm not sure how many classes he's had, but I think if that is who Edward wants, we should see if Emmett would be willing."

My mother agreed pretty readily and I smiled in satisfaction. "Can he be my OT too?"

"Edward," my father sighed. "He has a full time job at the hospital, he can't do everything."

Discouraged, I closed my eyes.

"Let me see what I can do," he finally said, patting my arm. "I'll talk to him in the morning, but for now let's get you ready for bed so you can get some rest."

My mother changed my catheter then my father changed my clothes and put me into bed. I took my pills, closed my eyes and thought about my future.

Only it was different now, it was not the future I'd thought about on our first date. Jasper was no longer a part of it; his warm golden hair was absent, replaced with solitude and loneliness.

"**~~**"

"This shower is a perfect size for you. Huge stall with a nice wide door," Emmett said as he opened the shower door so I could pull my wheelchair into it. He tested the bars on the walls to make sure they were sturdy enough to hold my weight. "Who's doing the work?"

"A friend of my father's owns a construction company. He and his workers are donating their time and the tools but my dad has to buy the materials."

"Seriously very handy shit to know someone who can do the work. It's expensive as hell."

"Yeah, it's taking awhile because they come over when they can and work some odd hours but it will be worth it."

Whenever Mr. Whitlock had been there working, he had poked his head inside my room, smiling and commenting on how great I looked. I thanked him for all his work on the house, telling him how much it was going to help me out. Uncomfortable with the compliment, he shrugged and looked away, shaking his head to get his shaggy blond hair out of his eyes. It was a move I'd seen Jasper do a thousand times.

After Emmett had made me push myself into the bathroom, he had helped me undress, showing me tricks on the easiest way to get clothes off. "Never know when you need to undress quickly for the ladies," he'd grinned.

Once I was naked, he showed me how to use the bars on the wall in the shower to move myself from the wheelchair to the shower chair. It was hard and I felt awkward doing it, but I succeeded and smiled up at him when I was sitting in the plastic chair. Leaning over, I pushed my wheelchair out of the shower but kept it within reach.

"Remember, just because you can't feel your legs, doesn't mean you can't use them."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"You can use them like a crutch of sorts. They will hold your weight for a few seconds, you just can't move them. Try it."

I was amazed when I was able to lean forward in the shower chair and grab the bar, supporting my weight on my feet even though I couldn't feel a thing.

"See? You can do that when you're transferring from chair to bed, it will allow you to sit on the bed rather than flop onto it like a dead fish."

I looked around the shower, everything had been put at my level. The self for shampoo and body washes ran along the wall with a few hooks for sponges or a towel. There was even a mirror suctioned cupped to the wall so I could shave in there if I wanted to. The shower head had been lowered to shoulder height for me and had an extra long cord that didn't tangle and would retract into the wall when I was done.

"Remember what I showed you about washing before?" he asked as he pulled off his shirt and tossed it onto the floor. I nodded, averting my eyes from his well-built chest and pebbling nipples. I had seen my fair share of naked guys before, mostly in the locker room at school or on the those sites I wasn't old enough to be on, but no one I had ever seen had the impressive shoulders and chest that Emmett did.

For once, I was actually thankful I couldn't get hard.

"Can you reach everything?"

"I think so," I said as I leaned forward and grabbed the shower head.

"Make sure you clean everywhere," he said from behind me. When I looked back, Emmett was standing in the shower with me in nothing but a bathing suit. I glanced at the suit, then up to his face and he shrugged. "Didn't want to make you jealous," he winked. "I'm just going to stand here and watch in case you need any help, but you're on your own."

Under his watchful eye, I bathed myself for the first time since New Year's Eve.

He chatted about work, gossiping like a girl about the young doctors sleeping with nurses, and one particular nurse on the fourth floor that he had his eye on.

"So what have you been up to?" he asked, finally taking a breath.

"Nothing," I sighed heavily.

"That doesn't sound good. What's up?"

I leaned my head back to rinse my hair and saw him looking down at me. I closed my eyes and let the water run over my head.

"I'm never fucking alone anymore. My mother is constantly checking on me, bringing me shit or offering to do stuff. They haven't left me alone in the house, too paranoid about my safety or something. Before this, I used to be home alone for hours, hell even a night here and there."

"The lack of privacy sucks," he sympathized.

"Lack?" I scoffed, "More like none at all. I used to be able to do shit in my room, read, listen to music, surf the web and-"

"Jerk off," he nodded, filling in the blank. Blushing, I moved the spray of water down my chest and shook my hair out a bit.

"Yeah, that too," I agreed.

"Well, we're going to get you doing a lot of stuff on your own so you won't have to rely on them as much. Maybe once they see you can handle things yourself they'll be more likely to leave you alone. "

"I hope you're right."

"Speaking of jerking off, anyone special in your life?" he asked with a raised brow. Blushing, I shook my head and quickly closed my eyes. "I find it hard to believe a nice looking guy like you is single." When I didn't reply, he nodded his head knowingly. "Ah, so there is someone, you just don't want to say. That's cool, I get it. Very old fashioned of you," he smirked. I finished my hair and shook it out.

"All done? Ready to dry off?"

"Yep," I replied, looking around the shower. "Ah, Emmett?"

"Yeah?"

"Where are the towels?"

"Oh shit, my bad," he laughed as he opened the door and grabbed a towel from the shelf. "Gotta remember that next time."

I took the towel from him and dried off everywhere I could reach. Outside the stall, Emmett had his back to me as he pulled off his bathing suit, exposing his very pale but firm ass to me. When he put one leg on the toilet to dry off, I saw a glimpse of his cock hanging between his legs and felt my body warm all over.

Even in places I shouldn't have felt.

I look away while he finished drying off. As soon as his clothes were on, he opened the shower door and moved my chair back. Doing the same thing he had showed me earlier, I dragged myself back into my wheelchair.

"Time to show you how to use a catheter. Now, I am usually doing this to people, not myself, but I can explain how I do it and then you can try it, okay?"

Blushing, I nodded. I was completely naked in front of him as he grabbed a new catheter kit off the counter and kneeled in front of me.

"First, you need to avoid a UTI at all costs, because you're not going to feel it and if it happens and you don't know it, it could affect more than your bladder. So, always wear gloves." He snapped on a pair, then in great detail, he showed me how to hold my dick, how to squeeze the head so the slit opened up, and swipe it with the iodine. He explained that the tube was already lubricated and that the bags were one time use and disposable.

"Now, you're going to slide the tube inside about an inch at a time until you feel a slight resistance. That is when the catheter reaches the bladder. It's completely normal. Keep inserting until urine starts to flow."

He handed me some gloves and I put them on. "You try it."

Hesitantly, I took the bag from him. Following his instructions, I gripped my dick, squeezed the head and put the tube at the slit. I glanced up at him and he nodded. Holding my breath, I slid the tube in about an inch, relieved when it went easily.

"Keep going," he said, his eyes watching my every move. Slowly, I inserted it further until I hit the resistance he told me about. I pushed past it and immediately, urine started to travel down the tube. Fucking excited as hell, I grinned at him. "Fucking alright," he laughed. "Keep it there until urine stops flowing, then pull it out about an inch or two and see if anymore comes out."

I did as he asked and watched more urine flow.

"I think it's done," I said. He showed me how to remove it, empty it and throw it away.

"Now, what is your bathroom routine?"

"My mom does it in bed, my dad carries me in here and I go. When I'm done, I call for him," I said quietly, keeping my eyes firmly on my gloved hands in my lap. I wasn't sure I'd been in a more awkward situation, sitting completely naked and helpless in front of another guy as he touched my cock and talked to me about going to the bathroom.

"Well let's change that, okay? You don't want to have to rely on anyone else for shit like that anymore," he said, then chuckled at his own pun. "Get it? Shit like that?"

I laughed in spite of myself.

Emmett certainly had a way with breaking the tension.

"Do you use a suppository?"

"I have some but I haven't had to use one yet."

"Not bulking up too much on the fiber, eh? Great, because suppositories can be nasty," he cringed. "Okay, you need to move yourself to the toilet just like you did to the shower chair, same technique. Use that bar on the wall for leverage."

Our toilet hadn't changed but there was a padded seat on top of the regular seat that helped prevent sores and made it a little easier to move on to. Biting my lip, I focused my movements, making sure I had a good grasp on the chair and the bar on the wall before moving my upper body over, my legs trailing behind. When I was sitting on the toilet, I exhaled and then without waiting for Emmett, reached down and moved my legs so they were untangled and spread wide.

Even as I sat there in front of Emmett bare assed with my legs spread, my cock hanging limply, I didn't feel nearly as exposed as I had been naked in front of my mother.

"You stroke right or left?"

I blushed and mumbled, "Right."

"These come in one time packs but you can buy a bottle, makes it easier." He grabbed a small packet of lube and opened it, then handed me a new glove. After putting it on, I held out my right hand and he poured the lube on my middle finger.

"Then hold the bar with your left hand and reach down with your right. You won't need to insert it much, just to about the first knuckle, then try to circle it around about half a dozen times. Then pull it out and wait about ten minutes. If you haven't started to go, do it again, same way. Once you start a routine, it will probably take you about half an hour to complete, so be sure to leave yourself enough time. They say you should do it the same time every day to get into the routine. Your body will actually learn the schedule and become pretty regular."

Nodding, I reached between my legs and felt for my hole. I braced my other fingers against the inside of my thighs as I circled my entrance and then slowly inserted my finger. Emmett's eyes were watching my hand the entire time and I felt my cheeks heating up.

"You can't feel it, so be sure to not go too far, don't want to hurt yourself."

I almost wanted to tell him I'd had a hell of a lot more than the tip of a finger in my ass, but I remained quiet. I wasn't sure he was ready to hear about the dildo had in my bottom drawer. I wiggled my finger back and forth before sliding it in and circling it a few times.

"Will I have… um…accidents?" I asked quietly.

"You mean will you shit yourself?"

Looking down, I nodded.

"Probably, but it won't be often," he answered honestly. "There are going to be times where your body doesn't follow your schedule."

I sighed.

"I know it sucks, Edward. It really sucks, but all you can do is be prepared for incidents like that. Keep extra clothes with you at school. Have access to a bathroom so you can clean up."

"But how will I know? I won't feel it," I worried.

"No, you probably won't. But you'll smell it, see it. You'll know."

"Sounds like fun," I mumbled.

"You'll be fine. Just do everything you can to avoid them by watching what you eat and keeping up with a regular routine. Why don't you pull your finger out and let's see what happens."

I took my finger out and pulled the gloves off as Emmett stood up.

"I'm going to go wait outside, give you some privacy. Want a newspaper or something?" he joked as he opened the door and left.

I sat alone on the toilet, looking around the bathroom and changes that had been done to it. The mess was worth it, the changes were giving me some of the independence I was beginning to crave. Sighing, I began to hum to "Eight Days a Week" to myself. About twenty minutes later, I thought I was finished

and after cleaning my ass with the moist wipes, moved myself back to my chair and went to the counter to grab my clothes. It seemed like it took me an hour, but after much struggling, I was dressed.

I had done it completely alone.

When I called Emmett back in, he opened the door with his hand over his eyes. "You decent?"

"More than decent," I said proudly. He dropped his hand and grinned when he saw me sitting there. I was still breathing heavy and my legs were tangled, but I was fucking dressed.

"Well, all right," he laughed. "Now let's go work out."

Grabbing the handrims, I rolled my eyes. "I think getting dressed was enough of a workout for me."

My dad had said he was going change our dining room into a place where we could do physical therapy but until then I had to do it in my room. Emmett showed me a few exercises for my arms using dumbbells.

"So tell me about yourself. Got any friends? What do you like to do?" he asked while I lifted the weights.

"I play the piano."

"Really? Huh, didn't see you as the piano type. What else? Any sports?"

"Not that it matters, but I played basketball," I sighed as I moved the weight to my other hand.

"You can play again."

"Yeah, right," I scoffed.

Ignoring my self pity, he casually asked, "Who's your best friend?"

"Jasper," I blurted out reflexively.

"Interesting name," he chuckled. "Tell me about him."

I didn't answer right away, but I felt a slight heat on my face as I thought of Jasper and what he really was to me. Shrugging, I tried to contain the smile when I remembered Jasper as my best friend and not my boyfriend, the one who told me stupid jokes when I was stressed or argued Lennon versus McCartney with me simply to get me upset long before he was making playlists for me.

"He's…um…a cool guy. Kinda geeky, but really smart," I stammered to get through even the most basic of description. Emmett nodded while he watched me work, occasionally correcting my form or showing me another exercise. Later, he had me lay back on my bed while he worked my legs, bending and straightening them. I saw his hands on me, but I felt absolutely nothing.

He asked about Maria and answered me honestly when I asked if he thought I'd ever walk again. Never promising me with a fake 'if you work hard enough, it'll happen'. He was truthful about my future, as bleak as it was. When I whined about all of the work, he sat down and told me about a friend of his who had been hurt and did the Paralympics. Finally we were done and he helped me into my chair and said he'd be back on Monday.

When he opened the door to leave, I was shocked to hear Jasper's voice. They spoke for a minute, Emmett recognizing Jasper from the hospital. After Emmett left, Jasper came in and shut the door.

Even though he had told me he was coming back, I was still surprised to see him. Standing there, he looked so worn and lost. My chest tightened when I saw the bags under his eyes and heard the disappointment in his voice when I asked what he was doing there. I spun the chair around to face the window. It was easier to look out at the ghosts of the past haunting me then it was to face a hurting Jasper.

His pain was too real, too visible.

If I was going to try to move forward, to try and not be such a burden to everyone, I needed to do it alone. The emotions he coaxed from me when he was near started to emerge: anger, resentment, fear, pity, hate and love.

I hated that he had asked me to come over that night.

I loved him….more than he'd ever know.

But love or not, he deserved better than the empty person I had become, and even though I knew this, I was selfish. I needed him to help me find myself, parts of the person I had lost on that road, the one who had been left behind in the mangled car. With what effort I had left in my drained body, I keep my eyes on the window and spoke.

"Listen, you can come and help me study, but that's it. I can't…I can't give you anymore," I told him in a quiet, shaky voice.

"Okay," he replied slowly.

It was a simple word, but the anguish behind it was staggering, stealing my breath from me. Somehow, he drew enough strength and stayed to help me, his voice hushed and trembling with pain as he read over our work. It was about two hours later that he couldn't take anymore and left with a mumbled goodbye.

That night, my father came in to help me get ready for bed and found me already dressed and under the covers. He actually smiled, giving me a pat on the shoulder as he left the pills behind. After he closed the door, I glanced at them and then turned out the light and closed my eyes. The house was silent except for the muffled sound of music coming from Alice's room and my parents' footsteps on the stairs as they went up to their room. Unable to sleep, I stared at the ceiling, the lines and dots weaving together to become images of Jasper and I, dancing, talking, kissing. No matter how many times I opened and closed my eyes, the images were still there, taunting me with their happiness. Sighing, I laid an arm over my eyes, closing them tightly, enjoying the momentary darkness until a faint image of Jasper sitting in the meadow crept in.

Reaching for my iPod, I scrolled through the playlists. I had one for each mood but realized I hadn't made a 'fuck my life' one yet. Each song that I clicked on brought a different memory of Jasper with it, his smile or wink sitting in the edges of the lyrics.

"Fuck," I sighed, tossing my iPod onto my bed. When I turned my head, I saw my chair. Eyeing it, I pushed myself up onto my elbows. Forcing myself upright, I reached for it, pulling it next to me. Using the technique that Emmett had taught me, I held onto the armrest with one hand while my other stayed on the bed as I used my upper body to push myself onto my feet long enough to move my ass into the seat. It was messy, but I did it. After catching my breath, I grabbed each leg, placing my feet on the foot rests. As gracefully as possible, I opened my door and wheeled myself down the hall to the living room. I hadn't been outside of my room or the bathroom almost since I had gotten home. Keeping an ear out for my mother, I steered the chair toward my piano. Shoving the bench out of the way, I pushed my chair up to the keys.

My breath caught in my throat as I reached out, my fingers hovering above the keys, hesitating before finally resting lightly on them. Exhaling, I closed my eyes and began to play. The familiar notes surrounded me, enveloping me in their simplistic beauty.

It was the first song I'd ever played for Jasper.

The song that meant the world to me, that said all I had wanted to say to him.

We hadn't been dating at the time, but we both knew something was happening between us and I had just wanted to tell him it was okay, just...let it be.

Let us be.

Let us happen.

He had listened to me, although it was a month later before he acted on it.

I played through the song, ignoring the tears on my cheeks, letting my body feel the music, swaying back and forth. The accident had taken so much of my life from me; my ability to walk, play sports, even my privacy but it hadn't taken away my love for music or my talent to play it. Hitting every high and low like I had played it only the day before, I began to sing along with the song, my voice barely above a hushed whisper. As my fingers pressed and released the keys, I thought about all the times Jasper and I had sat on that bench together, Christmas parties of my parents', the first time I'd played for him, and the day I had used it to apologize to him.

Jasper and I had only had one fight during our relationship, and it had been over Bella. Her family had a reunion coming up and I had promised her that I would go with her because she hadn't told her parents we weren't dating anymore even though we had broken up three months before.

"What the fuck, Edward? Maybe she needs to grow a pair and let them know instead of pretending to play house with you," Jasper snarled at me before turning away and looking out the window in our living room.

Sighing, I hung my head. I knew he was going to be upset. He had asked me to drive to Seattle with him to visit his aunt and I had said yes, until Bella came to me and reminded me of her family get together.

"I promised her months ago, Jasper, before we broke up. I have to go. It's the right thing to do," I tried to reason. His eyes were wild as he turned to face me.

"Right thing to do? The right thing to do would be for her to let you go and move the fuck on. But no, she has to keep your in her grasp in some way."

"It's not like she knows about us, Jasper. She thinks I'm single."

He raised a brow, not saying anything but he didn't have to.

"No, I'm not telling her. Not yet, it's too soon."

"Fine," he growled. Folding his arms across his chest, he flopped down on the couch.

"I don't know what to do, I don't want to let either of you down," I sighed, sitting on the bench in front of the piano, keeping a good distance between us. Even through his waves hanging in front of his face, I saw him roll his eyes at me. "Jasper, don't be like this, please."

"You can't expect me to be happy that you're blowing me off, your boyfriend, to spend time with an ex girlfriend, who apparently still thinks you're dating."

"She doesn't think we're dating, she just hasn't told her parents. She's had already told them I was going and they're expecting me. She's going to tell them after the party."

Exhaling heavily, he let his head fall back on the couch and closed his eyes.

"I know you're not ready to come out, Edward," he began, his eyes still closed, "and I get it, I really do, because I'm not sure I'm ready either, but it'd be nice to not have to pretend. I hate everyone thinking we're just friends."

"I know, love."

"Especially Bella," he spat.

"Are you jealous?" I couldn't help the corners of my lips when they curled up at the thought of him being jealous. He was kind of hot when he was all fired up.

"Fuck yes I am." He lifted his head and glared at me. "She's done things with you I have only imagined. Touched you in places I haven't even seen. She gets to bring you home to the family and introduce you as her boyfriend while I have to hide with you in a closet."

I let a silence fall between us.

He was right. I should have told Bella when I broke up with her what had happened, but at the time, I wasn't sure of it myself. All I had known was that she and I weren't right.

And that Jasper and I were.

When I glanced at Jasper on the couch, I looked at it as a small victory he was still there. Even though he was pissed, he hadn't stormed out yet. Wanting to apologize but absolutely fucking clueless on how to, I began to play the cheesiest song I could remember the notes to, one of my mother's favorites. I played the first verse without the words and then started it again, trying to remember the lyrics.

Why do birds
Suddenly appear?
Every time you are near
Just like me
They long to be
Close to you

Daring to peek at him, I saw him desperately trying to contain a smile. Encouraged, I continued.

Why do stars
Fall down from the sky?
Every time you walk by
Just like me
They long to be
Close to you

On the day that you were born
The angels got together and decided
To create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair
Of gold and starlight in your eyes of blue

By the end of the third verse, he sighed and stood up. Walking over, he straddled the bench next to me, his forehead dropping to my shoulder as I played.

Just like me
They long to be
Close to you

I held the last note for a few extra seconds until I finally ended it and lifted my hands from the keys.

"That is the fucking corniest song I've ever heard," he said. Reaching up with his hand, he turned my face toward him. "Thank you, baby," he whispered before pressing his warm, soft lips to mine. We kissed the argument away.

That weekend, I went to Bella's and Jasper went to Seattle. When he got back, I met him at his house and we immediately headed to the meadow. We were both in need of some time together. He told me about his visit with his aunt, I told him about the party. We hugged and kissed a lot, our hands never leaving each other.

Two days later, Bella told her parents we had broken up. Jasper was almost giddy when I called him. He celebrated by inviting me over to help him study anatomy.

"Jasper, we took anatomy last year," I reminded him, confused.

"Your point?"

I was at his house in less than ten minutes.

I ended the song and instantly started playing it again.

"Edward?" my mother said from behind me. I had known it was only a matter of time before someone heard the piano and came to investigate, but I had hoped it was going to be my father.

He wouldn't question it like my mother would.

Ignoring her, I finished the song for the third time, the tears having dried on my cheeks before I sang the last words. As I held the last note, I sighed.

"Is everything all right?" she asked from closer behind me.

Nothing will ever be all right again.

"Yeah, just couldn't sleep. Sorry if I woke you."

"I've missed hearing you play," she admitted and I shrugged.

I missed a lot more things than playing the piano.

"Did you take your pills?"

"Not tonight."

"Edward, you really need to-"

"Mom, just don't, okay? I'll go to bed in a few minutes," I sighed, closing my eyes.

"Do you need any help? I can get your father."

"No, Mom. I'm fine. Go back to bed."

She hesitated and I knew she was standing there watching me, judging if I was really fine or not. Finally, she turned.

"Don't stay up too late."

"I won't. Night, Mom."

"Night, sweetheart. I love you."

"Love you too," I replied softly.

Once I heard her footsteps on the stairs, I pushed away from the piano and slowly wheeled down the hall. In my room, I closed the door and dragged my body from the chair to the bed. Letting out a huge breath, I lay down and pulled a blanket over me. The room was dark except for a sliver of moonlight coming in through the slit in the curtains. My eyes didn't return to the ceiling but landed on the picture of Jasper and me on my dresser, the one he had left standing before he had gone.

"Let me be, Jasper," I whispered into the darkness before sleep finally coaxed me into the numbness.

"**~~**"

Jasper came back every day, just like he said he would, even showing up one day with his sweatshirt soaked from the sleet that he had walked in to see me. I knew the push and pull I was doing to him was slowly chipping away at his heart hour by hour, word by word. He looked like shit each time, his hair was dirty, the circles under his eyes darkened, and there was no smile.

Ever.

Jasper used to laugh at his own stupid jokes, smile when he would tease me mercilessly, and every time I passed him in the hall at school, he'd grin and wink at me. He had the most beautiful smile in the world. It was wide and full, lush lips spread over white teeth to deepen the dimples on both sides.

Every day he came over, he sat on my bed, practically reciting our schoolwork, his voice as low and monotone as our teachers. I knew it killed him to be there, to be so close and yet so far away, but I let him do it.

I wanted him to do it.

While I got stronger, Jasper got weaker.

And I let him. I fed off of him. His strength became mine, each of his words, no matter how bland or useless propelled me further into a form of recovery. While everyone else in the house was overprotective, Jasper never treated me any different. With him, I almost felt normal.

Except I was far from it.

The anguish I was causing him was written on his face every day, but I did my best to ignore it. I was selfish and used him, taking from him what I didn't have, but every time he left, he took a piece of me with him, and left his heart. If he could have ripped it out of his chest and left in on the table, he would have. He trusted me with it that much.

He shouldn't have though because I wanted to crush it while it was in my care. I wanted him to feel as much agony as I did. I wanted him to suffer with me, and the fact that he willingly sacrificed himself began to erode some of my anger and resentment.

Until we were suffering together.

Each time he came over, the harder it became to not want to touch him, to not brush his dirty hair out of his eyes or not hold his hand. It broke my heart every time he left with his head hung low, barely mouthing a goodbye before he closed the door behind him. I knew he was hanging onto his life by a thread, a thread that was straining under my weight. Something was going to have to give soon or he was going to be pulled under with me and he deserved better.

I needed to set him free.

I was scared shitless, but it was time to take the next step. My life had become nothing but scheduled appointments with Emmett and I was ready to get out of the house, to do something. Emmett and I had been going over everyday tasks as well as increasing the exercises to build my upper body, and I was beginning to feel confident that I could handle more.

The next day, I pushed myself out into the kitchen where my mother was cooking dinner. It was still in the process of being remodeled for me, so I stopped at the doorway and look in at her. She buzzed around effortlessly, opening cupboards, setting the oven, stirring something in a pot.

"I want to go back to school," I told her defiantly. She stopped cooking and turned to me.

"Edward, it's only been four weeks. Don't you think it's a bit soon to be thinking about returning to school?"

"No. The doctors said four weeks. It'll be five on Monday. I want to go back. I need to get out of this fucking house."

My swearing didn't shock her anymore, she had learned to accept my new colorful language. Being in a wheelchair allowed me certain privileges I never would have had otherwise and I took advantage of them.

She shook her head. "It's too soon. You only started PT a week ago. You're not ready for a six hour day."

"Let me decide that. Let me try, damn it," I snapped, my fingers gripping the handrims on my chair.

"I'll talk to your father about it," she offered. Snorting, I turned my chair and returned to my room. Pulling up to the window, I looked out it, letting the memories of Jasper I saw outside wash over me.

An hour later, my father knocked on my door and entered. My back was to him, but I heard my bed creak when he sat on it.

"I want to go back," I said, knowing he'd already talked to my mother. "I need to get out of here, and Jasper can't keep coming over every day. He has a life he needs to get back to."

"I know, but I think your mother's right. You haven't had enough PT to be in shape for a school day yet," he sighed. "If you think Jasper is taking on too much, we can find someone-"

"No. Only Jasper."

"Edward, do you realize how hard going back will be? Not only the physical demands on your body, which is still healing, but the mental pressure as well? Paying attention, dealing with all your friends and their questions."

"Friends," I scoffed under my breath. "All the friends who have been by?"

"Just because they haven't come by doesn't meant they aren't still your friends. It's difficult for them too. They don't know what to say to you."

He couldn't see me but I rolled my eyes.

"Let's get through next week, then we can talk about you going back to school," he suggested. I agreed and even gave him a small smile before he opened the door and reminded me of dinner as he left. After he closed the door, I turned back to the window, immediately seeing Jasper's lithe body sitting on the edge of the pool, smiling and waving up at me.

My heart broke even more.

"**~~**"

Behind me, I heard my door opening.

"Hey."

He sounded as tired as I was, and it was my fault. I was draining him, he was giving me everything he had and then some and I just kept taking it. I turned the chair around and saw him emptying his bag onto my bed.

"History, right?" he asked, grabbing his book and handing mine to me.

"I can fucking get it myself," I snarled at him, regretting it when I saw his eyes lose even more of their sparkle.

For an hour, we went back and forth. I scowled at him when he made mistakes, grinding the one subject he could kick my ass on into the dirt. He knew the material, I think it was ingrained in his fucking DNA, but he was overtired and I couldn't stop myself from pointing out every error he made.

"No, that's not what I said. You're wrong," he huffed, slamming his hand down on the book. "Jackson defeated Banks in the First Battle of Winchester."

"You said the Battle of Front Royal," I argued. Hanging his head, he closed the book and sighed. On his wrist was the bracelet I had given him for Christmas only a month before. Something inside me grew, my heart tightened and my eyes narrowed. I felt a battle in me between wanting to keep him there or set him free. As much as I knew the second one was the right thing to do, I couldn't deny my selfish

need. I also knew he'd never walk away on his own. It just wasn't who Jasper was. He would never leave me.

I had to make him.

He was weak, his mind warped from exhaustion, and like a predator, I moved in for the kill.

"You still wear that?" I asked, motioning to the braided leather bracelet. He nodded, his fingers self consciously fondling the leather. "Why?"

"I promised you I'd never take it off and I won't," he softly reminded me, and my heart swelled even as it broke.

Just as I needed him, he needed me to do this. Forcing back my emotions with every ounce of strength I had, I pretended to not care.

"It's just a shitty bracelet," I shrugged casually. "Doesn't mean anything."

"It does to me," he argued in a shaky voice. I rolled my eyes when he dared to bring his gaze to me. "I gotta go," he mumbled, pushing himself off the bed. Sitting there, I watched him pack up his stuff and put his sweatshirt on. He looked at me one last time, giving me one more chance to stop him from leaving.

Just go.

I didn't move.

"I'll see ya tomorrow, Edward," he muttered as he closed the door and left.

I didn't bother to stop the tears. I was fucking used to them by then; I just let them fall until there were no more left.

"**~~**"

I was sitting at the window, thoughts of Jasper churning in my mind when there was a knock on my door.

"Come in," I said as I backed away from the window and turned the chair around. My mother walked in with the phone in her hand.

"Bella's on the phone."

Surprised, I reached out and took it from her.

"Hello?" I said into the receiver.

"Edward?" she whispered. "I was going to come over and see you but I.."

"Hey, Bella," I tried to smile but failed. On the other end of the phone I heard her begin to cry. "Hey, it's okay, don't cry."

"I'm sorry," she sniffled. "I didn't want to but …"

"I know," I sighed. "Ssshhh, it's okay," I kept repeating until she took a deep breath and could continue. "So…" I began, "what's up?"

Not able to help herself, she laughed through her sniffling.

"Are you okay, Edward? Are you in any pain?"

"I had some phantom pain at first, which sucked, but since then, it's been pretty manageable."

I purposely avoided answering the 'are you okay' question, because how could I tell her that for as long as I lived, I'd never be okay again.

"I want to say so much, but it sounds so stupid when I say it in my head. Just know that I'm sorry this happened to you. You don't deserve this and my father is going to be sure that fucking asshole shrivels up in jail."

"Thanks," I sighed. "This fucking sucks, I hate it. At first, I refused to believe it was true and now…now it's just my life I guess." I fingered the bottom of my tee shirt, finding the cotton soothing as I tugged and pulled at nervously. She was the first person I had talked to outside of my family, Jasper or Emmett. Even though we had dated for months, I felt like she was a stranger, someone sitting on the outside of my world with no fucking clue what was really going on the inside.

"I've missed seeing you at school. Everyone keeps asking Jasper about you."

"They do?"

"Yeah, how you are and what happened. He ignores them most of the time. I swear if Newton asks about you one more time, Jasper is going to fuck him up."

I almost smiled.

"Jasper has been looking for an excuse to hit Newton since he moved to Forks," I reminded her.

"Jasper is…" she stopped.

"What?"

"He's barely hanging on, Edward. I see him every day at lunch-"

"He sits with you at lunch?" I asked, surprised Jasper was that outgoing. Since Bella and I had broken up, Jasper had been more cordial with her, keeping most of his sarcastic comments to me or himself, but rarely had he sought her company on purpose. Over the past year and a half, they had become pretty friendly and would joke and tease each other, but I was almost always there with them. The three of us had even gone to the movies and dinner a few times. When Jasper and Bella were paired for a science project, they surprised me by easily working together. By then, Jasper felt Bella was no longer a threat to him and me. Bella even sat with us at lunch a few days a week but I doubt Jasper ever expected her to keep it up when I wasn't there.

"Not exactly. He's usually there when I get there so I sit with him. He didn't like it at first, but I think he's gotten used to it now."

I could just see Jasper rolling his eyes or burying his nose in a book to avoid her.

"He looks like shit. I haven't seen him eat lunch in weeks. He just…sits there with his headphones on."

"He won't talk to you?"

"No, he does. I'm not sure it's willingly, but he does talk. He did tell me he was helping you with schoolwork."

"Yeah, he comes over and reviews what was done in class and then we do the homework together."

"You know him better than I do, does he seem okay to you?"

No.

"Yeah," I lied. "I think he's just tired. He's been helping his dad out too." I couldn't tell if she bought it.

"Do you think that's all it is? That he's tired?" she asked.

"What else could it be?"

"I don't know. He just seems more than tired. There is this look in his eyes. He seems so…"

Lost.

Broken.

"I'm sure he's fine, Bella. Don't worry so much. Jasper's a big boy."

Accepting my word, she proceeded to catch me up on the gossip at the school that didn't revolve around me. I told her about my plans to return to school and about Emmett, but I couldn't tell her much more, it was still too raw, the wound in my heart was still too fresh. We talked for about an hour before she said she had to go.

"I'm so sorry, Edward," she whispered. "I'll see you next week maybe? You need anything, let me know, okay?"

"I will," I lied. How could I tell her what I needed was nothing she could provide?

"Take care, Edward," she murmured.

"Bye, Bella," I returned before ending the call and putting the phone on my table. Turning my chair around, I returned to the window. I watched the sleet falling outside, the pellets bouncing off the cement around the pool.

Only that time wasn't Jasper who I saw out there.

It was Bella.

"I wish you'd tell me what's going on, Edward?" she sighed. We were sitting on the edge of the pool, our feet dangling in the water. It was late spring and it had only been uncovered for a week. "You've barely talked to me all week."

She didn't try to hide the sadness in her voice. I sat next to her, my hands on the cement as I stared at the crystal blue water. The cold water had numbed my feet, much like how the rest of me felt. Whenever she was near, I felt nothing more than a contentment and comfortableness. I knew I should have felt more, if not a flame then at least a spark, something that made me feel awake when we touched.

I should have felt for her how I felt whenever Jasper touched me.

About a week before, Jasper had come over for dinner. He came into my room and fell onto my bed, complaining again about how Jessica had flirted with him in gym class. I was sitting in my desk chair while he spilled the details. I teased him about her, offering my half hearted suggestions on asking her out.

Though the more he told me about her, the stranger I began to feel.

When he refused to ask her out, I pushed him, threatening to tell her that he liked her, and even grabbed his phone to text her. He got off the bed to come over to me and I stood up, backing myself into a corner. I stared at him as he neared, at the intense look in his eyes, how they darkened with something unknown, the way his body seemed tight and ready, the way his breaths grew heavier. As soon as he was close enough, I moved the side and bolted for my bed, jumping on it with the phone, pretending to type.

I was strong, but Jasper was fucking fast and he was on my bed with me, on top of me, pinning me down with his body.

When he looked down at me with those eyes, I realized him being on top of me wasn't about his phone anymore, there was something else there. It made my heart skip a beat, it made my breath still, it made my body feel alive with the shock of electricity that coursed through it.

It was the most amazing few seconds of my life.

Just having Jasper on top of me for that brief time was better than any kiss or handjob I had received from Bella. It was then that I knew she and I were wrong. It wasn't her that I was meant to be with.

It was him.

Jasper was off me as quick as he had been on me, running his hand through his unruly hair and mumbling an apology for something he hadn't even done. Silently, I handed him his phone and he ran to the bathroom to 'wash up for dinner'.

He was in there for twenty minutes.

"It's been a busy week and my parents have been on my case about spending more time with them," I lied to Bella.

I was full of shit. I knew it, she knew it, but she nodded anyway.

"You know you can tell me anything, right?" she offered, leaning against me and laying her head on my shoulder.

"Yeah. It's nothing, really," I promised. We sat and watched our feet swirl the water around while the sun set. When it came time for her to leave, she kissed me, her tongue never meeting mine.

A week later, we broke up.

The world outside the window stilled as I stared at it from my chair. There was no sun, no breeze, no falling snow or sleet, there was just nothing. It was as dark and numb as I was. Talking with Bella on the phone had only confirmed what I already knew.

Jasper was in his own living hell, and it had been me who put him there.

"**~~**"

"I'll just wait outside until you're ready," Emmett offered, handing me a towel. I took it and nodded. I should have been used to getting naked when he was around but I still felt embarrassed. The look of my body hadn't changed. I still had great muscle definition and it wasn't like my cock had shrunk or anything, but being naked in front of someone who wasn't Jasper would always make me uncomfortable. Emmett left the room and I began to undress. After doing it on my own all week, I was starting to get the hang of it. It still took a shitload of effort and I was out of breath by the time I was finished, but I had done it.

When I called him in, I was laying flat on my back with the towel lying over my hips covering my cock. Emmett returned with a brownie he'd grabbed from the kitchen.

"Think you're mom will mind?" he mumbled around the chocolate.

"Nope, she'll be thrilled. I still can't believe she left me alone with you."

"Why? Does she think I'm going to pop in a porn video and corrupt her innocent little boy?" he said, finishing the brownie and wiping his hands on his shirt before grabbing some oil.

Laughing, I shook my head. "No, but she hasn't left me alone in the house since I came home."

"I think your sister might be here too. I saw someone in the hall who ran like hell when she saw me, Short? Black hair?"

"Yeah, Alice."

He rubbed his hands together to warm them up. "Let's loosen up these muscles, shall we? Just sit back and relax, let the master do his work."

Closing my eyes, I concentrated on his touch as he began at my fingertips and worked his way up my arm, across my chest and down my other arm. Then I felt…nothing.

Opening my eyes, I saw him still standing over me, his hands on my thigh, groping and pulling the muscles, gradually moving down my calf before doing the same to the other leg.

"Okay, time to flip," he said. Stepping back, he let me do it on my own, only helping when the towel slid from my hips, holding it until I had turned over and then laid it over my ass. Following the same route, he began at my arms and worked toward my back, where he spent a long time. I felt completely relaxed. I hadn't realized how sore I was from the exercises I had been doing.

"Even though you're not using all your muscles, the massage helps keep them loose," he explained as he worked down my back toward my hips. "Is your friend coming over today?"

"Jasper?"

"Yeah, Peri's kid."

I nodded, clenching my eyes at the mere mention of his name. "I think so. It's nice when he comes over because my mother usually leaves us alone. I'm hoping to go back to school next week."

"Will he be there to help you? Make sure you can get around?"

Of course he will.

"Probably."

"How long you guys been friends?" he asked as his hands gripped my shoulders.

"A little over two years."

"Seems like a nice kid."

He was so much more than nice.

"Yeah, he's pretty cool," I sighed.

"What do you guys like to do?"

Just be together.

"I don't know. We just hang out. We used to swim a lot," I answered hesitantly. Describing what Jasper and I had been was difficult.

"Yeah, I saw the pool. Pretty nice. Do you play video games or anything?"

"Yeah, Jasper's a big geek, he loves video games and shit. He's a great runner though. I know he's going to win State this year," I boasted without hesitation. "He's just…always been there for me."

"Sounds like a good friend. Loyal."

"He is," I sighed even as a smile spread across my face. It both warmed me and hurt to talk about Jasper. My eyes closed and I moaned when Emmett concentrated on the nape of my neck, always a sensitive spot for me. As he worked his way back down my body, I felt less and less. I knew he'd taken the towel off because I saw it lying next to me, but I couldn't feel his hands on my ass. The longer he continued, the more relaxed I felt.

"Have you ever thought of becoming a masseuse?" I chuckled. "I can't remember the last time I felt this good."

"Thanks, but I think I'll stick to nursing," he laughed. "I have to go wash this oil off my hands. I'll be right back and we can go over a few more things."

He was back much sooner than I expected.

"Jasper's here," he told me in a hushed voice. "I just found him getting sick in the bathroom."

I lifted my head and turned to face him as much as I could, holding the towel to my hip. "Sick?"

"Yeah, as in praying the porcelain god. I didn't know he was in there and I walked in on him."

"Is he okay?"

"He was getting sick," he repeated flatly. "I left, gave him some privacy."

I felt a rush of blood through me, my heart speeding up as the hand holding the towel began to tremble.

"Can you go check on him? Please?" I asked anxiously, my eyes darting to my door.

"Sure," he smiled and left the room. I pushed myself up and reached for my clothes. I had pulled on my tee shirt and was working on my underwear by the time Emmett returned. He immediately came to help me.

"Is he okay?" I asked worriedly.

"Yeah, I think so. He's leaving though."

My heart sank.

"Leaving?" I stopped dressing.

"Yep." Emmett continued to move even though I had stilled, kneeling in front of me to put my legs in my pants. When I stopped helping him, he looked up at me. "Something wrong?"

Yes.

Everything.

"No," I mumbled. He continued to help me dress and then moved the chair next to the bed. He held it while I maneuvered myself into it and then placed my feet on the rests.

"You all set if I head out? I've got a shift in an hour," he asked as he picked up his things.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Alice is here if I need anything."

"Okay, see ya day after tomorrow," he said, holding out his fist for a bump. I returned it unenthusiastically and then let my hand drop to my lap. He closed the door behind him and I looked around my room. In a glimmer of hope, I grabbed a textbook off my desk and placed it on my lap.

When my door creaked opened, I held my breath.

"So, did the massage come with a happy ending?" he said scowling as he entered.

"No. I won't ever have a happy ending," I returned calmly, even though my heart was racing because he had stayed.

He was there.

He sat down and opened his bag. I was tempted to ask him why he'd been sick but I couldn't bring myself to say the words. I think I was afraid of the answer.

"Where did we leave off?"

"Battle of Chancellorsville," I replied quickly, almost happily. For the next hour, we worked together seamlessly, like we had done before the accident. We went over useless homework while I pretended to not care about him and he pretended to be okay with it. There was no sarcasm or cruel words. While I hoped it was because it was just the way we were, I suspected it was something else.

He had given up trying to be anything more than my tutor.

He was doing what I had asked him to do.

We were just about to move onto physics when my alarm went off.

"What's that for?" he asked, glancing up from his book.

"I have to change my catheter every three hours so I don't get an infection," I replied flatly. Spinning the chair around, I went to the table to get a new catheter. When I grabbed the box off the top, the others beneath it fell to the floor.

"FUCK!" I yelled, frustrated. He jumped up to help me and I sighed. "I can get them," I growled as he began to stack the boxes back up. I opened the box and pulled a catheter kit out.

"It's no big deal. Do you need anything else?"

"No," I snapped, pushing backwards and out the door. I went into the bathroom and lowered my sweatpants around my cock. After putting on some gloves, I swiped iodine over the head and then followed the routine I had developed. I tried to focus on what I was doing, slowly inserting the tube until I felt the resistance and it entered my bladder. While the bag filled, I closed my eyes and thought of him in my room.

I hated it.

More than I ever thought possible, I hated having to rely on someone for help. Something as simple as picking up boxes and I couldn't fucking do it alone. My parents had raised me to be independent in mind and body, to think and do for myself, and I had up until a month ago. I didn't want Jasper, or anyone else, to follow me around for the rest of my fucking life picking up after me.

I just wanted to be able to clean up my own fucking messes.

When I was done, I tossed the empty bag away and went back into my bedroom. Ignoring him on my bed, I went to the window and parked in front of it. I felt him behind me, his eyes looking out the window with mine, silently begging me to show him what was inside me.

"I don't want to live like this. I don't want to be a burden to anyone," I said softly.

"Like who?"

"My parents," I swallowed. "You."

"You're not a burden to anyone, Edward. You're their son, and my forever. Neither of those are a burden," he whispered with conviction.

Forever.

He deserved a better forever than what I could give him.

"I'm poison, Jasper. Just leave and stay away," I sighed. I heard him stand and walk toward me. Without a word, he kneeled in front of me and laid his head on my lap. Resting his hands on my hips, he gathered the hem of my tee shirt in them.

More than anything I wanted to feel the weight of his head on my legs, I wanted to feel the warmth of his skin, the wetness of his tears. I often imagined our future together, but Jasper was the real dreamer. He was the one who took the chances, the leaps of faith without fear of the consequences, the ones that always moved us to the next level. Without even asking me, he always knew the push I needed.

"Say whatever you want, I'm not leaving. Not this time, not again," he promised quietly.

I had thought he had given up on us, that his earlier calm was his acceptance of what we had become, but I couldn't have been more wrong.

He was refusing to be pushed away any longer.

"I'm not good for you," I whispered, looking down at him.

"Let me decide what is and isn't good for me," he replied in his typical defiant way.

Time just stopped.

Hope and love clung to each breath we took and I felt my heart beat for the first time since he'd held me more than a week before. I closed my eyes, reveling in his presence. I might not have been able to feel his head on my lap, but there was something I could feel.

Silk.

Gripping my tee shirt, he pulled himself impossibly closer to me as my hands left the armrests of my chair, my fingers hovering right above his head. Exhaling, I lowered my hands and let my fingers weave through his curls, caressing the ends.

Nothing had ever felt more perfect.

Scared, I pulled my hand away and immediately missed the feeling.

Unable to resist, I returned my hands to his hair, separating the waves, twisting them and letting them slide through. It was by his honey strands between my fingers that I held onto to him for life.

"Just like silk," I murmured absently, repeating the movements through his hair. He remained completely still except for a hitch of his breath and then a soft sigh. Glancing down at his hands fisting my shirt, I saw the bracelet still on his wrist.

"Why do you still wear it?" I asked.

"Because I promised you I'd never take it off," he quoted himself from the day before. My eyes watered, his persistence and devotion and…love was stronger than anything I'd ever experienced.

"Stupid asshole," I whispered. "I'm nothing but a broken body housing a black soul."

Hesitantly, he lifted his head, but I didn't let his curls go. He just stared at me, looking into so much more than my eyes. He saw my soul and attempted to heal it with his love. He may have been tired and worn, but he was also the strongest person I knew.

He was my angel.

"You're everything, Edward," he told me. Closing my eyes, I shook my head and felt his hand grab one of mine, placing it flat on his cheek. "Baby, if I didn't think there was something worth fighting for I would have left long ago."

Inside me, a battle waged. His love versus what I thought to be the right thing to do. Blame, guilt and anger were the emotions that inhabited me daily. I blamed him and felt guilty for it. The anger I had seemed endless and it was directed at anyone in my path, including those I loved most. Anguish rolled through me, along with want and need and love for the boy before me. All I had to do was admit it, admit that even though I pushed him away, that at times I hated him, that I still loved him with more than I was.

The tears rolled freely down my cheeks and I opened my eyes.

Staring at him, I saw us in his shades of blue.

Not images of our future, but of what we were. There were clasped hands, meeting tongues, whispered words of love, and promises of devotion no matter what.

I was tired of everything, of what my world had become, but most of all, I was tired of being away from him, of trying to deny him my life. No matter how angry I was at him, at me, or how much I wanted him to not sit by my side me while his life passed him by…I still loved him.

A slow smile crossed my face and I began to stroke his cheek with my thumb.

"I'm tired of trying to stay away from you," I admitted softly.

He returned my smile.

"Then don't."

"It's…just so hard," I sighed, looking away. "Everything is so fucking hard."

"I know it is, baby, but it will be easier if we do it together. Remember we can get through anything together?" he offered, his voice quiet but filled with hope. Heat flowed through me, his words warming me more than any touch ever could.

"Nothing is easy anymore, Jasper." I returned my eyes to his. "Even the easy stuff is so fucking hard now. Forget walking, just something like getting dressed takes me forever. I hate having to…" My voice deepened with frustration and I motioned to the boxes he had picked up for me. "Rely on someone else to get something for me or pick up after me. I can't even get into my own fucking kitchen right now."

He released my hand on his cheek and without him holding it there, I let it fall to my lap.

"My dad is work-"

"I know," I snapped, and then sighed when I saw his eyes widen, then immediately drop to my chest. "Sorry," I apologized, my fingers threading through his hair. "I know he's working on it and it looks really nice but I just want to be able to get something from the fridge or cook something in the microwave."

"Maybe if I helped him after school, he'd be done quicker," Jasper suggested, but I was shaking my head before he was finished.

"No, you're already doing too much."

His brows furrowed and I could tell he wanted to let me have it. He hated being told he couldn't do something, it only made him more stubborn than usual. Biting the inside of his cheek, he remained quiet, but his eyes darkened with his unspoken words. He was holding back for me.

Jasper would have never kept silent before. He would have spoken his mind, told me to fuck off and let him do whatever the fuck he wanted. He never would have let me have the last word unless he was trying to push me toward something.

I let go of his hair and immediately saw the fear on his face. Those thin pieces of silk had been what were tethering him to me. When I released them, that connection was lost.

His back straightened a bit and I knew he was preparing himself for what he knew was coming; the anger, the rage, the hate.

"Bella called yesterday," I stated flatly.

His eyes drifted closed and he dropped his chin to his chest.

"What did she say?" he whispered, already suspecting he knew.

"She said you're barely hanging on, you haven't eaten lunch in weeks and look like shit," I relayed to him. He opened his eyes but he didn't raise them to mine. Instead he looked at my chest. I knew Jasper well enough to know he was feeling betrayed.

"Anything else?" he snarled. "Did she tell I skipped gym or that I almost fucking punched Newton last week?"

"She said that you always have your headphones on," I told him. When he lowered his head even more and his hair fell in front of his face, my fingers itched to brush it back for him, but with great effort, I kept them in my lap. "What do you listen to?"

I hoped I knew the answer.

Slowly, he lifted his eyes to mine, pale blue behind the wisps of wheat covering them.

"Your playlist," he admitted quietly.

My heart sighed.

"And...um…"

"What?"

"The CD you gave me for Christmas, the music you composed? I made it into a MP3 file so I could listen to it on my phone. I listen to it every night."

"Oh, Jasper," I murmured. Tentatively, I raised my hand, my fingers reaching for those locks of hair obstructing his view. I heard his breath catch as soon as I made contact, his chest expanding quickly to accommodate his thundering heart. Brushing his hair back gently, I looked at him.

Really looked at him.

The circles under his eyes had grown darker, his cheeks were sunken and missing the natural blush he always had and his lips were dry and cracked. More than any of those, his eyes were a void of everything except me. It was more than my reflection in them, there was frustration and guilt and love, enormous amounts of love. Missing were friendships, family, schoolwork…himself. He was giving so much to me, for me, that he had lost himself in the process.

That wasn't what we were supposed to be about. Our relationship had always been equal, give and take evenly divided. I helped him when he needed, and he helped me when I did. Neither of us minded, it was unquestioned that we would always be there for each other.

Forever.

But I couldn't let him be there for me anymore. I was consuming too much of him, and he was letting me. The energy he had provided me with for the past few weeks, what I had fed off of, was dwindling and I had barely left enough for him to sustain himself.

I refused to let him give up his life for me.

"Jasper?"

He brought his eyes to mine slowly. Before I even continued he was shaking his head, tears sitting at the edges of his eyes.

"Don't you say it, Edward," he whispered. "Please don't say it."

"I have to. You have to take better care of yourself, you can't keep this up. You've got a life and you need to get back to it. I need to let you get back to it."

Clenching his jaw, he tried to refuse the tears but they began to roll down his cheeks anyway.

"How many times do I have to fucking tell you?" he said in a harsh whisper. "You are my life."

"Not anymore, I'm not. I can't do this to you, Jasper. I can't commit you to a lifetime of…" I looked around the room at the medical equipment, the messy bed and the clothes everywhere. My eyes finally settled on my portable prison. "This. You need to have your own life. It's time."

"No," he growled, his chest heaving with shallow breaths. I ran a finger down his cheek, tracing his lips as they quivered.

"It's for the best. Look how much I've worn you down in just a few weeks? You haven't been sleeping or eating. I know you're behind with your own homework, but you've caught me up with mine. If you're like this after only a few weeks, can you imagine a lifetime of it?"

"Yes," he answered unequivocally. "Edward, a lifetime with you would be a dream come true."

"This isn't a dream, Jasper. It's a nightmare, and one I need go through alone. I refuse to keep you in it any longer."

"You can't make me go," he murmured defiantly and I had to smile.

My beautiful, stubborn Jasper.

Looking down at my lap, I saw his fingers digging into my thighs. "You can't just toss me away because you think it's for my own good."

"Please don't make this any harder," I sighed, closing my eyes as I tried to stop my own tears. I felt his warmth and then his cheek was against my chest.

"I need you," he mumbled into my tee shirt. Against my better judgment, my hand went to his hair, caressing it as he lay against me. We stayed like that for a few minutes before he lifted his head. "Do you trust me, Edward?"

I nodded.

With my life.

Without warning, he stood up and looked frantically around my room. I watched him as he grabbed one of my sweatshirts and tossed it at me.

"Put this on."

Then he bent over and picked up my sneakers, dangling them in front of me. I nodded to his unasked question and he kneeled before me again. He slipped my foot into one sneaker and tied it before doing the other. When he looked up at me, I was still holding the sweatshirt on my lap. "Put it on," he repeated. "Where's your jacket?"

"My closet I guess," I mumbled through the cotton as I pulled it over my head. "Jasper, what are you doing?" I asked but he was gone and I heard his footsteps as he ran down the hallway.

"Jasper?" I called out as I wheeled myself to my door and tried to peek down the hall. There were sounds in the kitchen, dishes clattering and the microwave running. I was just about to turn down the hall to find him when he turned the corner. Backing the chair up, I let him in the room and watched as he emptied his backpack onto my bed and filled it with a sweater, gloves, a hat, socks and a thick fleece blanket from the bottom of my bed. Once he found my jacket, he threw it at me.

"When is your mom coming home?"

"I don't know, a few hours maybe? She had some errands to run."

"Good. Put on your coat," he smiled as he put on his own sweatshirt. "Ready?"

"For what?" I turned the chair, following him as he headed for my door. Sighing, he turned around.

"You ask too many questions, Edward. Some things never change. Now let's go," he demanded and I had no fucking idea why, but I pushed myself out the door and followed him down the hall. He popped into the kitchen for a minute but was walking out of it by the time I reached him. When he opened my front door, he looked back at me. "Coming?"

I peered through the open doorway. I hadn't been outside since I had gotten home. The winter air hit me with force and I shuddered. The roads were clear, but there was an inch or two of snow covering the yard and ramp. I had no idea what he had planned, why he was taking me outside, but I knew deep down it didn't matter. I'd go anywhere with him.

Just as I was about to push the chair over the threshold, I heard her behind me.

"Edward?"

"Fuck," I muttered before looking over my shoulder at her. "What?"

"What are you doing?"

I glanced up at Jasper for help.

"Just taking him outside for some fresh air, he's been cooped up too long," he replied, giving her one of his dimpled smiles. She moved closer, her sweatpants so long they covered her bare feet, the thermal shirt she had on did nothing stop the cold air and she folded her arms across her chest. I saw her eye Jasper, more than likely judging the honesty of his answer. Jasper had the ability to charm the pants off just about anyone, and while he didn't take advantage of it, he used it when necessary. A bit more depth to his natural drawl, sparkling eyes and a hint of bright white teeth cradled by dimples was usually enough to send anyone, especially girls, into a dazzled haze.

Alice seemed immune to his charm.

Raising an eyebrow at him, she tilted her head. "Bullshit," she countered.

Sighing, I hung my head and closed my eyes. "Alice, please…just let me do this. I need to get out of here," I pleaded. I couldn't see what she or Jasper were doing but I was sure they exchanged looks, more than likely a hopeful pout from Jasper and a glare from Alice. Whatever he did, it worked and she exhaled.

"Fine, but you better take care of him, Jasper. If something happens…"

"I will," he promised.

"Be careful," she said. I spun the chair around to face her.

"Thanks, Alice." I gave her a small smile before turning back to Jasper. "Think this thing has snow tires?" I asked him seriously.

"Let's find out. Come on," he encouraged. Holding the door open, he waited for me as I wheeled through it, guiding the chair slowly down the ramp. My heart raced with the fear of slipping on the sleet covered wood, of the chair tipping over.

"I'm right here," he said from behind me, placing his hand on my shoulder. Easing my way down the ramp, I reached the driveway and stopped to wait for him. He walked by me to his father's truck and opened the passenger door. "Let's get you inside."

"Whoa, Jasper, I don't know about this. I can't leave the house. My mother will freak."

"No she won't, now get in."

Sighing, I went to his side and looked up into the truck. I'd never realized how high it was. Until then I had only moved myself from the chair to my bed or the toilet. I wasn't ready for something like this. Biting my lip, I looked up at Jasper.

Had he always been so tall?

"I don't think I can," I whispered. Jasper looked at the seat in the truck and then to me. He tossed the bag onto the seat and then curved one arm under my knees and he snuck the other behind my back. I stopped him before he lifted me. "No, I mean, I don't think I can."

He released me and stood up, glancing inside the truck and then back to me. When he realized what I was saying, his eyes closed and he shook his head. "Shit, Edward, I'm sorry. Fuck," he sighed. "I wasn't fucking thinking…again."

He berated himself even more under his breath, using words like idiot and fuck up.

Reaching out, I grabbed his wrist. "Stop it. Why would you think of something like that? Hell, I never even thought of it until I got out here."

"You haven't been in a car yet?" he asked, confused.

"Just to come home but I was pretty high on pain meds, I don't remember too much except the neighbors staring at me when I got out."

"Fucking asses," he muttered, leaning against his truck. Sighing, he reached up and ran his hand through his hair. "I'm so fucking sorry, Edward. I just…I wanted…fuck, I don't know what I was thinking. It was a stupid idea."

"It's okay, Jasper. I just don't know if I can do it. The last time…" I trailed off when the images of bright lights and shattered glass clogged my mind. What sucked was I had wanted to get out of the house for days and there I was with a perfect chance. No parents to stop me, to tell me no, it was too soon or I wasn't ready.

I was ready.

"Let's just go back inside," he said as he reached in the truck for his backpack. The look on his face broke my heart. Not because he was sad from giving up his plans, but because he wasn't. He didn't mind that I was preventing us from doing something he'd planned. Instead, he felt like shit for not having thought that getting back into a car might bother me.

"No," I said, surprising myself. He turned and looked down at me.

"Edward?"

I glanced inside the truck, the long bench seat, the dirty car mats, and the faded dashboard. It was undamaged and intact. The truck was also twice the size of my Volvo, higher off the ground, and had deeply thread snow tires on it.

"I want to try it," I whispered, returning my gaze to him.

"Are you sure?" he asked and I nodded.

"Yeah."

He gave me a smile and tossed the bag back inside before bending over to lift me again. With a heavy exhaled breath, he straightened up, and I was in his arms. My body rested against his automatically, he felt so solid. Using his foot, he pushed my chair away and then gently placed me in the truck on the seat. Once I was in, I was able to scoot across it and drag my legs inside. Reaching down, I moved them in front of me. Exhaling, I leaned back in the seat and saw Jasper was gone. I jumped when I heard the tailgate of the truck close. Turning my head, I saw my wheelchair in the back of Mr. Whitlock's truck.

Jasper opened his door and climbed in. "Let's get some heat going for you."

He started the truck and The Beatles started playing.

"I might have made an Edward playlist CD," he mumbled sheepishly. Biting my lip, I glanced around the inside of the truck. I saw the ease with which Jasper shifted and then turned to look as he backed out, his body moving habitually. Once he was on the street, he shifted into drive and looked at me. "Are you sure?"

Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and nodded. Then I felt his hand curl into mine sitting on the seat between us, giving it a squeeze.

"I wasn't there for you that night, Edward, but I'm here now. I swear I'm not going to leave you alone again," he vowed.

Leaning my head against the seat, I let it roll toward him and I opened my eyes.

"I'm scared, Jasper," I admitted softly.

About so much more than being in a car again.

"Me too," he whispered with a smile, "but I know we can do this."

We both knew we weren't talking about the car anymore.

Slowly, he pressed the gas and we moved forward. I was actually okay until we came upon a car in the other direction. My throat tightened, and I might have even whimpered out loud.

"Oh, God."

"It's okay. Watch me, Edward, not them. Concentrate on me, my touch. I'm here, not going anywhere," Jasper soothed me as the car approached us. I felt the truck slow down, Jasper had let up on the gas and then he pulled toward the right, leaving plenty of space between us and the other car. When they got close, I clenched my eyes and gritted my teeth, waiting for the impact that would forever change my life.

But it never came.

I opened my eyes to find Jasper glancing at me, concern written all over his face. The car had passed and I released a breath, my body relaxing. His hand gripped mine and I hadn't realized how strongly I was clutching his until I eased my hold.

"You okay?"

Heavy breaths escaped me, but I nodded and forced myself to look around outside. I watched buildings and bare trees pass by us, and while I tensed up when we came to parked cars, I quickly relaxed. The next time a car came at us head on, I clutched his hand again, digging my nails into the flesh of his palm and forcing my eyes to remain open. I didn't watch the car though, instead I stared at Jasper. The way his hair moved from the breeze of the heater, the way his eyes narrowed in worry, the way his lips pulled into a smile when he saw me watching him.

The car passed and I felt the tension flow from me.

"Better that time?"

"Yeah, I think so. Not sure I'll ever be able to face a car coming at me without freaking out again," I said defeated.

"You will. It will get easier each time and eventually you won't remember."

"I hope you're right."

"I always am," he chuckled. It might have been my imagination but I swear the circles under his eyes had lightened. He continued to drive and I continued to watch him, only cringing when a car pulled out in front of us. Jasper glanced at me often, making sure I was okay, occasionally giving my hand a reassuring caress. I was so nervous about other cars that I hadn't even paid attention to where we were until he pulled over to the side of the road.

Realizing we had stopped, I looked around and immediately recognized the spot.

"Are we-"

I didn't finish because Jasper was already out of the truck and undoing the tailgate to get my chair out. Only seconds later, he was opening my door. Moving the chair close, he leaned in the cab, sliding one arm under my knees and the other around my back before lifting me out of the truck with apparent ease and sitting me in my chair. Once I was in it, I adjusted my legs and moved back so he could reach inside the truck. Opening the backpack, he handed me a pair of gloves and a hat. I put them on without complaint, watching while he grabbed his jacket and put it on before slinging the backpack onto his back. He shut the door and locked it.

Finally he spoke. "Ready?"

I wasn't sure. I was confused, but I nodded anyway and followed him as he headed for the start of the trail. Pushing the chair through snow was easier than I expected and I got farther into the trail than I thought I would. I knew Jasper's pace was slower than it would have been if I had been walking next to him. Fuck, sometimes we had even raced up the trail, the winner getting a blowjob first. I should have known better than to challenge a track star to a race, but I never minded being the loser.

He walked purposefully, looking back to make sure I wasn't falling too far behind, asking me if I was okay a few times, but never coddling me.

It was refreshing.

The snow crunched under his heavy steps and I grunted with the effort of pushing the chair through the deeper snow. My hands gripped the handrims but surprisingly the gloves never slipped on the stainless steel. When I looked down at my hands, I saw why. Jasper had thought enough to give me gloves with small rubber dots on them for traction instead of the thick nylon ones he wore.

He never ceased to amaze me.

The big things went over his head, but the small things were always close to his heart.

We were silent except for Jasper's humming. The songs changed, though they were always Beatles, and I found myself joining him for a few songs. Occasionally we had to stop because the leaves under the snow got caught in my wheels and I had to lean over and pull them out. Not once did Jasper complain or rush to help. He let me work it out, waiting for me to tell him I was ready to continue.

The trail thickened and it got harder for me to push the chair. My arms ached, and my lungs and biceps burned from the uphill battle. Sweat had gathered on my forehead and my hands began to cramp. Desperately, I tried to keep up, to keep as close to him as I could, but I fell further behind, my body exhausted. I finally rolled to a stop.

"Jasper," I panted, shaking my head. "I can't."

He stopped immediately and returned to me, kneeling. "You okay?"

"Yeah," I gasped. "Just really tired. I haven't done enough PT for this yet."

I looked at him as he cupped one of my calves in his hands and rubbed up and down really fast before doing the same with the other. Then he moved to my thighs. Lifting my hand from the rim, he kneaded my arm, massaging it much like Emmett had done. He repeated the process on the other arm.

I had no idea where he had learned it but it felt amazing.

"I'm sorry," I whispered while he took off my gloves and warmed my cold hands in between his. He rubbed them furiously before slipping the gloves back on.

"What for?" he asked, confused.

"I can't make it to the top," I told him.

"The chair can't make it, you can," he corrected me. Just as I went to ask what he meant, his arm was under my knees and his other was behind my back. I wrapped my arm around his neck, trying to help him as much as possible. With a soft grunt, he stood upright holding my broken body in his arms.

"Jasper, put me down I'm too heavy. You can't do this."

I knew he was as exhausted as I was, I knew he was pushing his body well beyond its limits. Turning toward the top, he took a few tentative steps, his memory of the trail and good sense of balance helping him navigate through the snow and leaves. I knew the trail as well as he did, every inch of it, and I knew we had a little more than a quarter of a mile to go.

Uphill.

"You'll never be too heavy for me, Edward," he whispered, placing his forehead to mine. "Never," he repeated under his breath.

I laid my head on his shoulder, stealing his warmth as it seeped through is sweatshirt and jacket. I watched his moist, panting breaths escape his body, cooling the second they hit the winter chill. Sweat beaded on his face and the hat he had put on flattened his hair, leaving only the ends of his waves sticking out. Quiet except for his heavy breaths and the occasional grunt when he shifted my body, Jasper continued carrying me up the trail.

I'd never felt lighter.

Finally, we reached the end and I felt his sigh of relief as he took the first steps into the meadow. Long gone were the wildflowers and grass that had often tickled our skin as when we had lain in it. Marred only by the marks of the wildlife that had gone through it, a few inches of pure white snow covered the grass. Jasper trudged through until he reached the middle of the meadow, what had become known as our spot. When he stopped, he looked at me and the most beautiful smile graced his face, lighting every dark crevice I felt inside me.

"We did it."

We.

"Yeah, we did," I sighed.

"Can you reach the backpack?" I released my hold on his neck and reached for the zipper on his bag. When I nodded, he continued. "Can you get the blanket out? I don't want to put you down on the snow."

Awkwardly, I unzipped the bag and felt for the fleece blanket, yanking it free. Without letting me go, I felt Jasper begin to shift his weight back and forth and I realized he was using his feet to clear the snow as much as possible. Satisfied it wasn't going to get any better, he nodded to me and did my best to spread the blanket when I dropped it onto the ground. It was bunched up on a few corners but there was enough for him to lower us down. Slowly dropping to his knees, he tenderly set me on the blanket. Once I was sitting, he rocked back on his heels, twisting side to side to work out the kinks in his back.

"You okay? Warm enough?" he asked, reaching his gloved hand out to caress my face. His eyes were clear and his cheeks were flushed a dark red from the cold of the air and heat of his body.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I told him as I straightened my legs out so they stretched in front of me. He sat next to me, our bodies touching from shoulders to feet. His legs along mine and I knew he was trying to keep me as warm as possible. It didn't take long before I felt the wetness seeping through the fleece blanket to my hands, but it didn't matter.

We were in the meadow.

I'd thought I would never see the meadow again.

Reaching into his bag, he pulled out a thermos and his iPod.

"Have some, we need to keep you warm or your mother will definitely kill me," he chuckled. Opening the thermos, he handed it to me and I could smell the hot chocolate.

"What? No peanut butter and Fluff sandwiches?"

"Are you hungry? I didn't think to make any," he murmured.

"I was joking," I said, trying to reassure him. "This is wonderful, but my mother is going to kill you."

He shrugged. "Death is a small price to pay to see you smile again."

I hadn't even noticed that for the first time in weeks, I was genuinely smiling. Something that had felt so foreign and forced for the past month suddenly felt so natural there with Jasper. I took a sip of the hot chocolate, not minding the scalding fluid as it traveled down my throat and heated me from the inside out. After a few long sips, I handed it to him and he drank, flinching when it hit his lips. He replaced the cover and then scrolled through his iPod, hit play then set it on his backpack.

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time
And hung me on a line
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

Jasper sighed and rested his head on my shoulder, letting me support him, his fingers curving into mine. My eyes welled up as I followed his gaze into the sky. The overcast gray made it feel darker than it was, but my life had brightened so much in just a few precious moments.

It was all because of him.

"This is…perfect," he whispered. Overcome with emotion, I was unable to reply, just nodding instead. While Paul sang to us, I gripped Jasper's hand, wishing I could feel his skin and not the nylon of his glove.

"Remember the day we decided on this as our wedding song?" I asked quietly as memories that summer day a lifetime ago came back to me.

"I remember everything, Edward. Well, that's not true," he half smiled. "I can't remember shit for school, but I remember every second I've ever spent with you."

A few tears rolled down my cheeks and I took a deep breath.

"Jasper, we've got so much to talk about," I began with a shaky voice.

"Not now. Later," he sighed.

Whispering, I asked what I was most afraid of. "Will we have a later?"

He lifted his head from my shoulder and then moved to straddle me, his knees on either side of my thighs. Taking off his gloves he dropped them to the blanket and took my face in his hands.

I felt his skin instead of the nylon of his gloves.

"We don't just have a 'later', we will have an always, baby," he whispered right before hesitantly leaning forward and lightly brushing his dry lips along mine. My heart skipped just like it always did when we kissed, then it proceeded to pound in my chest. It wasn't just the hot chocolate warming me anymore.

I wanted to scream at him to run far away from me and I wanted to cling to him, begging him to never stop kissing me.

Our lips moved together like nothing had ever happened. It was as if I'd never been in the accident, it was as if we'd never been separated.

It was as if I could still walk.

The kiss was lingering, soft caresses of lips as they swept along each other until he pulled away with a smile on his face.

"Dance with me?" he asked without hesitation. Listening, I heard the song had changed to "If I Fell".

"Jasper, I can't," I mumbled. "How am I going to dance…ever?"

He paused for a beat before he was climbing off my legs and squatting next to me. Before I could protest, his arms were under my knees and around my back. Not wanting to be dropped, I wrapped my arm around his shoulders, fisting his jacket. I was amazed at how effortlessly he lifted me. As tired and weakened as he was, he still had the strength to hold me. Putting my head on his shoulder, I let him sway us back and forth as he sang quietly with the song. With my free hand, I pulled the collar of his jacket and sweatshirt down enough to place a kiss on his neck. A shudder went through him and he sang the note too high.

"Are you warm enough?" I asked worriedly.

"Never been warmer," he replied quickly and honestly.

He spun us in a small circle in the snow to the side of the blanket. Resting his cheek on my head, he continued to sing with the songs. No matter how fast or slow, his pace never changed.

There was no twirling or dipping.

Like Jasper, I remembered everything, especially our first date, but what I recalled with perfect clarity was how I had felt in his arms, in his presence. I remembered the way my heart had raced, the way he smiled, the way he just loved me so easily without doubt or fear. After I had dropped him off at his house that night, and he had snuck in one last kiss, I went home and collapsed on my bed with a stupid grin on my face. Lying on my back, I had stared at the ceiling and saw us walking onto the stage at graduation hand in hand, I saw us moving into a college dorm together and getting our first real jobs.

I saw us standing before our friends and families vowing to love until death do us part.

Smiling, I had shaken my head at my ridiculousness. It had only been our first date and I was already dreaming of a long life together. I wanted to tell myself to slow down, that we might not last, but I knew better.

I knew we were forever.

"Let It Be" began and I felt Jasper sigh. He lifted his head and looked at me.

"When you were in the hospital, they let me go in to see you a few times. I played this for you. I put an earbud in your ear and played it over and over. Your father told me I should talk to you, that you might hear me. Did you hear it?"

I tried to recall the hospital, but the drugs had left the memories hazy at best. I did remember feeling something though.

"No, but I felt you there with me," I replied. "I could feel the nurses, my parents…you."

Intrigued, he raised an eyebrow.

"The nurses felt cold, technical, brief. When my parents were with me there was a heavy sadness but with you, I felt a warmth…" I stopped, not wanting to mention the guilt or anguish I had felt from him as well.

He smiled and then put his cheek back on my head, continuing to sway us.

I laid my free hand on his chest, over his heart, feeling it beat so sure and true.

There was so much to talk about, not the least of which was what futures we might have together or apart. It was going to be a long, painful talk, one I had never expected to have with Jasper. I knew I couldn't have him give up his future for me. I refused to hold him back, to stunt his goals and possibilities.

Closing my eyes, I felt nothing but his arms around me, his body heat under my cheek. I heard nothing but his voice singing for me. The world beyond the tree line kept going but there in a meadow, two boys realized they felt more for each other than they ever thought possible, but like our first date, neither of us said the words.

The song changed, Jasper's body grew weary. I knew his arms were aching, probably screaming in pain, but he never complained or faltered his step. His voice became slightly louder when he began to sing again. When I heard the first line, I lifted my head from his shoulder and looked at him. Reaching up, I traced his lips as he sang, and even with a few tears rolling down my cheeks, I sang with him.

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right

As the song's notes faded, I looked into his beautiful blue eyes.

"Is it really going to be all right?" I whispered softly, wanting nothing more than for it to be true.

"I promise with all that I am, baby, everything will be all right," he vowed.

He said it with such conviction, such strength, that I had no choice but to believe him.

"I want to believe that," I murmured, "but…"

"It will," he almost demanded. Resting his forehead to my temple, his sweet breath washed over my cheek when he exhaled, warming not only my skin but my heart, rescuing it from the stone fortress I'd put it behind.

He would always be the savior of my heart…of my life.

"Thanks, love," I sighed.

"**~~**"

Thanks for reading~

I posted a link to the playlist on my profile. It provides links to all the songs via youtube as well.

No SCI links this time. Instead, let's celebrate with Edward on The Beatles being available on iTunes! Go listen to a few songs…I've had quite a few readers say they can't hear The Beatles without thinking of our boys. *sigh* You guys all rock.

I'd like to announce the BANC (Blackberries Are Not Computers). It's a fund we are starting to raise money to purchase Dannie (my BFF and soulmate as well as the brains behind M&A) a new laptop. She has been without one for months now and has been writing M&A longhand then typing it on her Blackberry to email it to me for editing etc. She also uses the Blackberry for all her email and prereading WN as well. There is no light at the end of her tunnel and while I'd love nothing more than to just buy her one, I can't afford it on my own. A few M&A/WN readers have begun the BANC fund, and we are taking pledges to see if we can get a few hundred dollars to purchase a Netbook for Dannie. We've got 75$ so far, which is a great start but not enough. No pledge is too small (even 1$ is appreciated!) If you are interested in supporting the cause, please PM me or email me at masterjasperwhitlock AT gmail DOT com. You can also find me on twitter under theslashawards.

If you have any questions, please contact me.