She's gay...
A lesbian.
Taeyeon is a homosexual.
Wrapping my head around that fact was a lot harder than it had been with Jang, even when I walked in on the latter and her girlfriend basically almost fucking in her room. But Taeyeon...? Why?
Why her of all people? I felt sad, I felt sad about everything. About how the girl I looked forward to seeing each day was now one of the people I had grown up to despise, how she seemed so lovely when unprovoked but really she was just like any old lesbian capable of perverse thoughts and actions. I also felt sad about how she had a girlfriend. I'm not quite sure why, maybe because I never saw her visit? No that's not it...I guess it's because I kept imagining them together after seeing those photos of them kissing on Facebook. How they looked totally loved up, two women holding each other the way a man and a woman should was just...messing with my head. That, and also the fact that Taeyeon had looked so much happier than she had ever been with me.
How could...? Oh my gosh what even? My mind was literally scrambled to within an inch of its life. I kept going through every single time Taeyeon and I were together, thinking about whether I had given her any signals unintentionally but then I thought, if she had shown an interest in me, she would be even worse in my books because that'd make her sort of a cheater too - another thing that disgusted me.
As I looked up at the ceiling and actually allowed time for my body to catch up to my head, seriously it felt like somebody had ripped out my heart. I had been so excited to learn about her, to see her family, her friends, what she liked to do...but all of that was forgotten when I saw those photos, when I read her information. All that had happened between us, everything was just a lie.
Speaking of lesbians, Jang I could put up with because I see her maybe once a day if that. But Taeyeon? I saw her every day and I liked her. I liked her as a person, she's the type I could see myself going out with, to bars and to clubs. She could be my little bodyguard to any guys who would try to heckle me but thinking about that scenario now, she would be the one who's doing the heckling.
Being 'friends' with one lesbian was enough, I couldn't manage another. What if she started to flirt with girls in prison and I walked in on them just like how I had with Jang? I felt my heart ache at the mere thought of it, slightly sick too and tried my best to shut my eyes and drift off to give my now painful head a rest from all the stress that had been suddenly thrusted upon it. There was one question that refused to leave though, engraved in my mind. One burning question wanting to be given a simple answer.
What do I do now?
My answer?
I have no fucking clue.
Going to work a day after finding out what I had, I won't lie...it was hard. However, I tried my best to try to forget it by talking to the other prisoners. I met a new girl named Lee. She was sweet, I walked in during the count to see her trying to grab something from an abnormally high shelf bless her. She was rather short as well so I smiled and got it down for her, the shy smile that ensued was pretty adorable and she was full of gratitude.
"Thank you..." I never will get used to having prisoners look at my badge since it's situated just above my right breast. My hands came up to cover myself but I managed to stop, looking elsewhere instead while I waited for her to read it. "Officer Hwang" she grinned
"No problem. Try to stay in the middle of the room for count though okay? Other officers wouldn't be too happy about it you see"
"Okay, thank you for the advice. I appreciate it" I smiled and bowed my head slightly before clicking the counter once and leaving.
"Officer Hwang?" She stopped me. I raised my eyebrows and she hesitantly walked towards me. "Um, can I ask when I can use the phones? My boyfriend is expecting a call you see"
Straight, what a relief. "Well usually newbies are exempt from using the phones on their first day, you'll be able to tomorrow but try asking Mr Horvejkul... I'll show you where is office is"
As soon as we were outside Nichkhun's office, I looked at her and saw she was really very pretty, something that would be handy to her in completing her task. "If you can, cry and pretend you're really scared. He'll most certainly let you use the phone then" I winked and bid her goodbye before going back to my count. I wasn't supposed to have left, shit.
So off I went again, doing the same thing that I did each morning...I was enjoying this job don't get me wrong but it was so repetitive. Since I was still new, most of my jobs needed to stay the same for a month though apparently new ones would be added in slowly. There isn't much fun you can have as a CO to be honest except just chatting with your co-workers and some of the inmates which was fine but I wanted excitement. I wanted something big to happen today that got my adrenaline pumping and that would wake me up a little. Going into the last room, a frown etched its way onto my face almost immediately. Taeyeon wasn't there. Every single inmate should be in their rooms ready for count, but she wasn't there.
"Kim?" I called, just in case she was hidden under blankets or something but no answer came. Just as I reached for my radio to report a missing inmate, I felt a cool grip on my wrist so I turned quickly, my other hand firmly pulling out and grasping the pepper spray.
"Woah" she said as she moved out of the way of the can now right in front of her face. "Be careful"
I was about to say something...'was' being the operative word. Right now all that was going on in my head was the obvious sound of my heart beat increasing. She was stood in front of me in only a towel with soaking wet hair, her favourite scent of vanilla wafting off of her. My eyes scanned her neck and shoulders that were glistening from the water while she looked on in confusion. I started to think of how different she looked, her collar bone was extremely prominent and so was her jawline compared to the chubbier versions on her photos. And then my mind went to the last album named after her girlfriend. GIRLFRIEND, she's a lesbian Tiffany.
"Are you okay?"
"Ye-Inmate you should be in this room standing in the middle of the floor until I or another officer counts you. You know this and yet you went to go have a shower?" I was planning to avoid her and if it wasn't possible, at least be civil but I don't know where this anger was coming from. I was scolding her like a teacher would her student.
She frowned and looked me up and down as if I was a completely different person. "If you haven't noticed" she retorted. "You are fifteen minutes late, so I gave up waiting and went to go have a shower. If you wanted me in the room then you should have done your job a little more efficiently"
My jaw dropped at how rude she was being. "You're lucky it was me who caught you and not another officer" I challenged, my gaze turning hard.
"Lucky? Why's that?" What the hell was up with her this morning? "Because you won't report me to Nichkhun?"
"..." I couldn't even speak because, she was kind of right. I would have just let her off, something another officer wouldn't even consider, they'd instead send her to the SHU.
"Why is that officer?" She asked, planting her feet with a stomp in the middle of the room while raising her eyebrows expectantly. "Go on, send me to solitary for not following the rules"
I glared with all the anger I was feeling at how this girl was fucking lesbian. I wanted her to be different but no, life just doesn't work like that. "No"
"Why not? You're obviously pissed at me. Do it" I should, I really should for the way she was talking to me, for being late, for everything but I couldn't.
"No"
I'd just noticed her towel had slipped lower than it was supposed to, showing off her cleavage with water droplets that were still dripping from her hair travelling down her neck and into that little valley between her breasts.
"Pull your towel up inmate" I ordered, quickly looking away.
"Why? This is my fucking room. Count me and get out if it bothers you. We wouldn't want your closed Christian self to get all uncomfortable would we?" she scoffed and took a big step towards me. "I don't know who the hell you are, but good luck to you and your new facade. It suits you"
The rage that had built steadily in my body was now at the top, overfilling and had nowhere else to go except out. "You don't tell me what to do because I'm the one in charge and I own you" Why was I doing this, I didn't mean any of it. Why was this girl affecting me this way? "So shut up because all you are to me is just some insignificant gay dyke that I have to see every day. I don't want anything more to do with you, I don't fucking like you"
Kim Taeyeon...she didn't cry, she didn't look shocked, and she didn't turn her back. Instead, she laughed. It was a sick and dark laugh that sent a shiver up my spine. "Who are you trying to convince sweetheart? Me or you?" Her smile disappeared soon after. "Now get out before I really get sent to the SHU and not because of some stupid count issue." The glares between us went on and on until the footsteps of an approaching officer snapped me out of it and I left the room, not before a quick "Go pray to your God for forgiveness for talking to a sinner like me" from her.
Why the fuck did i do that? I attacked her, totally attacked her and now she probably despises me. I held my head and clenched my eyes shut tight as the thoughts of her and that girl stabbed at my brain over and over, why Taeyeon why...Why do you have to do this?
"Are you alright Tiffany?" Yuri asked, her voice causing me to jump and breaking me out of a daze.
Yuri and I had become quite close at work, I considered her a good friend and we would chat while on our breaks and we had also swapped phone numbers after she told me she wanted to take me out to a bar or a club sometime to see me let loose. I hadn't asked her to elaborate on what she had said before at recreation, about how 'she sees the way I look at her' because one, I didn't want to know and two, whatever she saw...it corresponded with the mysterious rumours floating around that I also still hadn't found out and that was a little frightening.
"Uh, y-yeah I'm fine" I replied, not fooling anybody.
"Tiff" she tutted and sat down in front of me, we were both currently on break and the only ones in the staff room. "You know you can talk to me right?"
"I can't" I said as I shook my head, trying desperately to get her out of my head. "I can't because not even I know what's wrong."
"Boy trouble?" Yuri smirked but the sigh that ensued from my lips and the shake of my head told her the answer. I sensed Yuri coming closer to me, edging her chair nearer "Listen, don't hate me okay?"
I raised my head while my brows furrowed in confusion "What?"
"Is it...girl trouble?"
"W-what? No why would you even say that?" I frowned but shifted in my seat, my jaw slightly slacked.
"Because look at you, you wouldn't look this depressed and/or confused if something wasn't eating at you"
"There's nothing eating at me." I snapped back, not liking what she was getting at.
"Sure there isn't…" Yuri leaned back in her seat and folded her arms. "Who is she?"
"Yuri… there's no one, and I'm not gay"
"I never said you were gay Tiff, girl trouble could've meant a girl friend"
My eyes widened considerably yet failed to meet her gaze for fear of her seeing something. "I-"
"Hwang report to the kitchens." A voice announced over my radio, saved by the bell.
"The kitchens?" I questioned aloud in curiosity. I brought the device to my lips. "This is Hwang. I'll be right there."
Grateful to now be away from Yuri's questioning gaze, I made my way down the corridor to the double doors of the kitchen where I saw an officer that was soon introduced as officer Choi standing there waiting for me "What's going on?" I asked after all the pleasantries.
"One of these crazy girls started a food fight in the cafeteria after some new chick tried to steal her food. It went everywhere. Nichkhun was lenient and put her on pots and pans duty. She's in there now."
"And I'm here because...?" I didn't mean to sound rude but this was the first time I'd been this side of the kitchen. I thought maybe it was a mistake bringing me here instead of another officer.
"You've been assigned to keep an eye on her in case the little bitch tries to pull something."
I gave a tight lipped smile and peeked through the small window in the kitchen door and to my utter shock and discomfort, I spotted Taeyeon sitting on the kitchen counter. She was leaning back on her hands, kicking her feet against the counter under her with not a care in the world.
My heart rate sped up and I cleared my throat after looking away from the door. "Um...I don't want to waste my time with this. Isn't there anywhere else I can be assigned?" Please please please. After this morning there was no way I could be alone with her.
"Why? Is there a problem Hwang? You can't handle a little blonde?" Choi smirked.
I frowned, being slightly pissed by the remark. So against my better judgement and refusing to let the comment bother me, I held my head high. "Fine, I'll watch her." And with that, I pushed through the double doors and entered the kitchen. Taeyeon raised her head and I was instantly met with a glare from those beautiful yet dangerous eyes.
"Oh look who it is. The perfect Christian sent to watch over the less than perfect and insignificant dyke, how funny"
I swallowed the saliva in my mouth and clasped my hands together behind my back, taking a strong stance and refusing to allow my eyes to make contact again with Taeyeon's.
"You're ignoring me now?" She gave an amused chuckle and hopped off the counter, then leaning her hip against the counter and staring right at me yet not speaking.
I stood still, determined not to make the same mistake again by letting out my anger. That had been completely wrong of me. When Taeyeon finally turned away from me, I had a chance to release the breath I'd been holding.
I watched from behind as Taeyeon reached her hands into the dishwater and grasped a large black pot. As well as being pissed at the fact that she was in here with me, I could tell there was something else on her mind. Maybe about the fight that had just arose in the kitchen? I was itching to ask her what had happened but stood by my decision in keeping quiet, instead just staring at the girl before me.
Her sleeves were rolled to halfway up her biceps...yep, she had biceps. Obviously not as big as Kong's had been but still something firm enough to catch attention. I watched as they tensed while she cleaned each dish and I found myself wondering if the rest of her was that toned. Quickly shaking my head from those rancid thoughts, I leaned against the counter before I saw her turn to me, beginning to walk over. I warned her with my glare not to come close to me but she disobeyed, strolling until we were face to face. Her eyes I saw were scanning my face and then got even closer and closer, now only inches away. I opened my mouth to order her away despite the fact no words could have come out even if i tried, thinking she was going to kiss me but...
"Excuse me"
I frowned and watched as she reached around my waist and grabbed another sponge that was lying there behind me. She smirked at my confusion and then scoffed before turning back to return to the sink.
"Don't flatter yourself"
"What's your problem?" I retorted, hating this side of her that, regretfully I had brought out. My voice may have been a little louder than necessary but it certainly served as becoming the beginning of an argument.
"Why are you shouting at me?" She replied. "I haven't fucking done anything!"
"Don't speak to me like that or I'll give you a shot!"
"Oh so you can sit there and insult me, call me a fucking dyke with disgust plastered over your face while I'm not allowed to even defend myself? I think you need to take a good look in the mirror sweetheart, we're not that different"
"I'm not the one sinning against the path God chose for me. People like you make him look like a fool. Look at you!"
"Yeah? Say that one more time" She challenged with a tone that could only be described as threatening.
I didn't because I knew it was at the point where she could lash out at any minute. Of course I had to catch and hold the insults from flying out my mouth at full pelt...and I managed to. Only there was one thing I couldn't stop. One question that had been eating at me, I already knew the answer but I wanted to hear it from her own lips to confirm it.
So with my senses clouded with rage, I asked her the question that unbeknownst to me, would bring back many painful and torturous memories for the girl before me.
"Who's Jessica?"
Those two words...by the time they came from my lips and were out in the open I regretted them almost immediately because they had the most heart-breaking effect on Taeyeon. Her eyes that were previously alight with fire and with anger had just gone out as if I had thrown a bucket of water on her to extinguish the flames. They were now emotional judging by the tears clogging them up and also dreary, like she had nothing left to give. Her posture had turned from rigid to slumped, her lips were parted in shock and her brow furrowed in confusion. Her fists that were previously clenched now were loose and hung to her sides lifelessly.
I heard the croaks of her attempts to speak through the tears that now freely flowed down from her eyes but she simply couldn't get them out. It took a few minutes for her to even say one.
"How...?" Her voice sounded even more broken than it did when she was in the SHU and when she had called for me. Not knowing what exactly I'd done by bringing up Jessica's name, I immediately tried to backtrack.
"It's nothing, I was just mumbling. Get back to-"
"Why do you keep doing this?" She asked in disbelief, interrupting what I wanted to say.
"Kim I-"
"Am I just some sort of exhibition to you? Like an animal in a zoo or a bird in a cage, something that you can poke and prod and laugh at while I'm unable to get away? Is that all I am to people like you?"
"No I-"
"Something that you can see when you come to work and then go home to research, to breach its privacy? Does me wanting to withhold just one ounce of my private life mean anything to you?"
"Taeyeon!" I tried to get her attention to try to explain myself but it was useless.
"I thought you were different, I really did" she shook her head while another tear rolled down her cheek. "You pretend to be a decent person but all you are is just one of them. What a fool I've been huh?" She gave a dark laugh while wiping away her tears with obvious aggression seeing as she did it so hard, leaving behind a slight red mark. That laugh was something I'd never want to hear again, it chilled me to the bone.
"You're a great actress, I really did think you would be respectful even after you tried to look in my file and read my book. How wrong was I!" She chuckled, I wasn't aware of the fact that her tears had now stopped but mine had just started. Everything she was saying struck me right in the heart and I was hurting, I hated myself for what I'd done.
"Taeyeon please just listen"
"No you listen." She snapped "You really want to know everything about me? That's all you want for your sad little life to be complete? Fine!" I winced at the loudness of her voice while not liking the look in her eyes. "I'm twenty-five years old and I came to prison when I was twenty-two. Before that I was a police officer, sort of like you right!" She grinned, it was like the one of a psychopath and I knew then that she was livid. Looking at her newly clenched fists opening and closing, I also knew that she wanted to hit me. How long she'd be able to hold back was uncertain.
"Okay Tiffany, lets play a little acting exercise, you'll be incredible at it. I'll tell my story but you aren't allowed to speak, just react and feel. Let's start shall we!"