A/N: Am I really one of the only people that isn't all that angry or happy about the recent manga chapters? I mean, I'm just excited to see what I can do with the info, but that happens with EVERY chapter…
o.o.o.o.o
"You sold your soul to IB when you turned your Extended Essay in."
-Er… someone. I think it's from my IB Director. She's also an Assistant Principal, though.
o.o.o.o.o
"Stay down!" Jade hissed, pushing Sasori and Deidara down into her backpack.
You may be wondering what is going on. You are wondering about something very pertinent and…
Okay, you know what? My minions did this. This is a parody of Akatsuki Kitten Fics, and that means that bringing at least one of the kittens to school at least once is necessary. This is Anvilicious without even being an anvil. We made them do this. They had no choice.
"Those little b******s…" Jade muttered, putting her hand over the opening in her backpack.
I'm not really sure if she's angry at us, the kittens, or people she's actually in school with, but she's obviously not happy.
Wait. Fourth Wall.
Oh right… I'm not supposed to be talking.
"Oh, h***…" Jade groaned as a teacher approached her. "Yes, sir?"
"Are those kittens in your bag?" He asked.
Jade winced. "Maybe?"
"Ms. Juarez, I'm sure that you are aware of the school regulations concerning…" He kept on talking, while Jade started panicking.
Well, if Phoenix's head works the way I expect it to… She mustered up a little courage and hoped for the best as she waved a hand in front of the teacher's face. "These are not the droids you are looking for."
She really shouldn't have been so surprised that it worked.
o.o.o.o.o
Jade sat back in her chair, looking up at the ceiling. "I blame you for this."
Words scrawled across the ceiling in burning red. Each time this had happened, the words had disappeared as soon as Jade was done reading them. She'd had several such 'conversations' by now.
You have every right to.
"Kids at school kept asking to see the rest of them. I don't want to get the Akatsuki involved in anything outside my house."
You shouldn't.
"You're going to keep on doing it anyways, aren't you?"
Most definitely, my dear.
"I hate you right now."
Oh… Hate is such a strong word. Perhaps… resent?
"F*** you, Phoenix."
Sorry, I know you'd love too, but I'd rather not.
Jade groaned.
o.o.o.o.o
"What else can we put in…?" Phoenix mused. "Any ideas?"
"Shouldn't we just let them start changing back a bit more and toss in the next batch?" Moonstone asked. "I mean, there's really no driving plot unless we do."
Phoenix sighed. "You're right. I can't really think of anything else to put in unless I do that. We're not planning romances; pulling off one of those ridiculous Walmart visits would annoy me, oh, and probably the readers too; the 'crazy' humor that's in most fics is something we want to avoid; parties are a big no-no…"
She rubbed the back of her neck. "Well, I guess we'll bring back Deidara, then."
She pressed a button. Well, really, she pointed at the button and thought about pressing it down so it would go down, since she can't actually touch anything as this is technically her/my mindscape and I'm just a virtual existence, and…
I'll just stop talking now. This seems to be a recurring theme this chapter.
o.o.o.o.o
"For the love of Jashin, shut up!" Hidan yelled slamming his hands down on the table where he was writing… something… and glared at Deidara, who was yowling because Tobi had pushed him off of the stairs.
Hidan was getting rather irritated. Thus, when the idea was planted in to his head—whether this was the fault of Jashin, Agent Diamond, or the Phoenix Corporation in total is still up for debate—he just went along with it.
What did he do, you ask?
Well, it's simple.
He tossed Deidara into the oven and closed the door.
…
Yeah…
Now, now, calm down. The oven was electric, so no worries of gassing the poor blond. It hadn't been turned on in several days, so Deidara didn't get burned. Then again, being thrown into a stove would be embarrassing for anyone.
The door to the oven opened a second later, making the way for Deidara to come tumbling out, human. He was cursing loudly, for four reasons.
One, he was still angry at Tobi.
Two, he had just been shoved into an oven.
Three, he had just come tumbling out of said oven, and…
Four, he was in a big plastic bag, and quickly running out of air.
Hidan stared for a couple seconds, and then quickly grabbed a knife and sliced through the plastic.
"The h***?" Hidan turned around to see Jade standing in the doorway. She seemed rather… jaded.
o.o.o.o.o
"That was pathetic." Chimera noted. "A Worldwide Punomenon? As if."
"No duh." Phoenix commented. "Who do you think just wrote your lines?"
"YOU." Chimera stared right at her. "Why do you think none of us ever bother asking Who Writes This C***?"
"That was a fail."
"Oh, for the love of…" Agent Chimera glared at his boss. "No. Just… just no. You are going to stop talking and get back to writing the actual story. Throw that scene in if you need something to work on. Stop being a moron and work."
Phoenix stared at him in surprise. "But… I'm your boss. I'm supposed to give you orders, not the other way around."
"Work."
"Alright, geez…"
o.o.o.o.o
Jade held a hand up to her face. She wasn't quite palming her face, but she was rubbing it in irritation.
"Okay, first of all, what was the 'cure' this time?" Though she wasn't looking at him, it was obvious that she was asking Hidan. Of course she wasn't really looking at anything since Deidara was naked on her kitchen floor, but that's beside the point.
"Oven." Hidan pointed at the open oven.
"The… oven." Jade looked at him as you would at a crazy person. "You put him in the oven." She took a deep breath to steady herself. "Why, exactly, did you put him in the oven, of all places?"
"Fourth wall voices." He pointed at the ceiling.
Jade groaned. "That really shouldn't be a valid response, and yet I have to accept it. I don't even understand why it's this, but I'll leave it for now. Now, second, why is he in a bag?"
Do you want a naked guy where you put your food? Think of what could have been touching the places where you usually bake!
Hidan glanced at the ceiling, and then back down at Jade. "They think you would not like a naked man in your oven."
Yes, his English has been getting better, thank you.
o.o.o.o.o
"Why would you thank them? And you're really abusing the italics, and the ellipses too."
"I know. Shut up. I'm having a panic attack."
"…Why?"
"I blame IB World Authors. Stupid Socratic Seminar tickets."
"Alliteration. Well, technically susurrus." Chimera pointed out, smirking.
"Shut up!"
o.o.o.o.o
Jade stared at him for a few seconds, a disgusted look slowly creeping across her face. She took a small breath, and…
"Oh, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!" She squealed. Well, that's a side of her that we haven't really seen. "Please tell me you didn't get him out of the bag until after he'd come out of the oven!"
That sounds almost like coming out of the closet.
"Of course not. He just fall out." Hidan waved away her worries with somewhat stilted English, though it's still better than anyone elses.
"Just… just go get a towel, Deidara." Jade covered her eyes again and waited until Deidara was gone. She looked at Hidan. "Why wasn't he talking at all?"
Hidan shrugged. "It looks like the cursing irritated Phoenix so she made him quiet."
"And yours doesn't?"
"I am me. Deidara is not."
o.o.o.o.o
Two nights later, Thursday evening:
Jade woke up with a start as something clattered down on the ground floor, followed by hushed cursing, and after a minute to get her bearings, realized several things.
Fact one: She'd turned them all back to kittens last night.
Fact two: She didn't recognize the voice.
Fact three: The voice had an American accent.
Corollary one: It wasn't one of the kittens.
Corollary two: It wasn't her brother come home from college for a surprise visit.
Conclusion: Whoever it was, they weren't supposed to be here.
She reached under her bed and got something that she kept there for emergencies like this.
She crept out, hissing in a breath extremely quietly as she felt something brush against her ankles. She glanced down to see a very ghostly light patch with two glowing pink circles. It must be Hidan, then. She glanced further back to see more coming after her, and assured herself that none of them, as ninjas, would make a noise. She continued out into the hall, weapon pointing at the ground and held in both hands.
She reached the landing and looked over the edge of the railing. She raised her weapon and yelled.
"FREEZE!"
The robber, by all accounts, did not freeze, and instead turned around and shot at her. She dropped to the ground, knowing that at this point the floor was enough to keep her safe.
"Gah! F***!" The robber yelled, and given the yowling, it seemed that one of the cats had gotten to him.
She looked over the edge again, noting quickly that Hidan was the one that had attacked. She understood the reasoning: if she hit Hidan instead of the robber by accident, she wouldn't have to deal with a dead or dying kitten.
And so she shot her own gun.
Now, if you've been paying close attention, Jade's Gun Nut tendencies have been hinted at several times. She also knows several things, like this:
If you have to shoot at a person, shoot for the torso, the largest mass. Don't go for the shoulder, because you'll probably miss anyway. Shoot using both hands, and don't shoot gangster style.
Even with her relatively good aim—really, those early-morning practices were for something, you know—she hit the man's collarbone. The man made a noise of pain and reached up to touch the wound, dropping his own gun and ignoring Hidan on the floor again. Jade fairly flew down the stairs, and Pistol-Whipped him on the back of the neck with her pistol's barrel.
Keep this in mind, dear readers: using the barrel of a gun is just as possible as using the butt of the gun when it comes to pistol-whipping. Those little metal cylinders are designed to hold explosions; they can handle a little sudden outside pressure.
The man dropped unconscious to the ground. Jade ripped her sweatshirt off—what? May in Colorado can get cold enough for it to snow—and put it on the man's bullet wound.
"Kisame, Kakuzu. You two are heaviest, so sit on the shirt to put pressure on the wound while I call 911."
They did, and she called. She explained the situation succinctly, requesting both paramedics and police.
o.o.o.o.o
"Alright, miss. We'll call you about the court date soon in case you need to act as witness. " The policeman finally left, and she was given the all-clear from the others to clean up the mess that had been made.
Jade sat down on the bottom step and groaned. Yeah, she'd probably be able to get out of going to school tomorrow, today at this point, but…
"Nasty, huh?"
Jade turned around to see a young woman with honey-blond hair standing on the landing. The girl was dressed in various shades of red, orange, and yellow. The jacket alone enveloped it all, as it was one of those shimmery kinds that changed color depending on what angle it was at.
The girl came down and sat on the step beside Jade. She held out a hand. "I'm Ruby. I'm also Dragon, but we'll just use the jewel codes for now. I'm basically just fire and heat. Got some plasma control too, but I'm not getting more specific than that."
Jade sighed and held a hand out to Ruby. "I'm Jade Juarez. Should I assume that this mess was all Phoenix's fault?"
Ruby grinned. "You could. First, though…" She waved a wand, and then suddenly the blood splatters were gone, and the holes were missing.
"There. Isn't that much nicer?"
Jade looked at her. "You… never mind. I'm too tired to care right now."
"Come on. Tell me." Ruby poked Jade, smirk on her face.
"Fine. With every word that comes out of your mouth, I feel like I'm being mocked by someone that can't be bothered to think of me as more than a footnote in an encyclopedia for louses."
"Well, that's specific. Anyway, I'm just here to tell you that you won't have to worry about the court case. We're going to take care of that. You just worry about your exams."
She stood up, and a fiery portal opened from something in her watch. "See ya."
Jade sighed and dropped her head back into her hands. "I'm… going to bed. Someone clean up Hidan; I'm too tired to do jacks*** right now."
She went back upstairs and collapsed into bed as the sun peeked over the horizon.
o.o.o.o.o
A/N: Short? Yes. Early? Absolutely.
Yay! One mystery has been solved!
Does anyone think that I've become more of a Butt Monkey than any of the other characters?
Do you guys want omake about what the PC Agents do when they're not in on this little project? Review and tell me!
Also: one of my reviewers suggested that, since I like TvTropes so much, I should just ask you guys if you could rec me or make a page for this. So… would you? Please? It's my birthday in, like, three weeks.
Oh, and someone requested breed designations, so here:
Tiffany – Itachi
Burmilla – Deidara (just with longer hair)
Turkish Angora – Konan,
Ocicat – Kisame
Abyssinian– Sasori
Turkish Van– Nagato
American Shorthair – Zetsu, Hidan
European Shorthair –Yahiko (red tabby)
British Spotted Shorthair – Tobi
Norwegian Forest Cat – Kakuzu
Of course, this is ignoring color, and in some cases pattern. But you get shape, and coat type, so that should be cool for you.
Ja ne,
Phoenix.