Edward's POV

By the afternoon we had watched three movies and were ready to start another one, once I got out of the shower.
"Do you like this one?" she asked holding up DVD case in her hand. I looked over at the old horror film she held up, feeling the crease form on my brow at the sight.
"Um, How about something funny." I asked before ruffling the towel through my damp hair.
"hmm funny." she murmured as she continued to flick through the collection, running her finger across the various cases.
She must have decided, because she moved over to the DVD player and laid back on the bed, waiting for me to join her as she fidgeted with the remote.
I tossed the towel into the hamper and I laid beside her, ready to listen as she talked through the whole movie, commenting on every scene, just as she had done with last three movies.

I leaned the side of my head into her and listened to every word, like it was the most important conversation of my life.
We had barely made it half way through when my phone vibrated in my pocket. I shifted slightly and pulled it out.
"Xave's gonna be here in a minute, he just got to Forks." I sat myself up as I wrote back and realized just how still and silent she suddenly became. I looked over at her to see the remote in her hands as she focused on running her fingers over each button, her lips caught in her teeth. "You ok?" I asked, watching as she grew more nervous. She looked up and nodded quickly, forcing a smile before she suddenly stood up from the bed. I watched as her arms folded across her stomach and walked over to flick the tv off, her head snapping over to the window as the sound of Xavier's car entered the driveway. "You should go, I'll wait here" she said quietly, trying to hide the uneasiness that was mixed into her words. "You sure?" I asked confused, watching her closely trying to figure out what was wrong. She turned and flashed the same forced smile that she had before, and wondered into the bathroom with her head down. I stood ready to go downstairs but found it hard to leave the room, knowing that something had her worried.

It had been three weeks since I had seen him last, though it felt like so much longer, especially since I was used to seeing him every other day when I was in Seattle. I opened the front door as he made his way up the stairs and reached out and grabbed a hold of me. He always done this, always gripped me tightly, only ever releasing one arm after he hugged me and kept the other firmly wrapped around my shoulder. He was an affectionate person, but this greeting was less to do with his compassionate nature and more about what I had put him through.
"My boy" he growled with excitement as he dragged me into the house with him.
"You look great" he added as he swung me around to face him. He examined me through his bright blue eyes as he placed a hand on my neck, "Hell, you look like you might actually have slept an hour or two" he said with obvious excitement in his voice as he looked me up and down. I nodded and smiled at his glowing expression, "I feel good" I said before he quickly wrapped his arm around my neck again, pulling me close.
"Well, where's our girl" he said with the same warm manner that was usually only reserved for me.
I pulled him in the direction of my bedroom and listened to him ramble about the traffic as we made our way up the stairs. I had briefly forgotten about Bella's nervousness and wondered if I should have warned her we were coming, or maybe brought her downstairs. As we got into the bedroom his arm slid from around my shoulder at the sight of her standing in the middle of the room starring out the window. He grew silent as he looked at her, freezing as she spun around to face him. I watched as his eyes narrowed, knowing it was the sight of the bruise and fresh stitched that caused the reaction, before a soft smile swept over his face. I leaned into the door frame as Xavier took one small step towards her. Watching as her real smile emerged and her eyes glistened with tears. She didn't say anything, she shook her head slightly filled the space between them, reaching up to wrap her arms around his neck and bury her face into his shoulder. Whatever she had been worried about had disappeared when she laid her eyes on him, how could it not, it was still Xavier. He was our family.

He rambled on about how Makin wanted to see Bella and she actually looked excited at the idea. Bella asked if he was still driving his old jeep around when I took my jacket off without thinking. Xavier froze mid-sentence as his eyes looked over the markings on my skin, he maintained his composed expression, but the sight of the tattoos revealed everything that he was dreading.

"Raven do those?" he asked with a soft calm voice, I nodded, unable to meet his gaze. Anyone else, even Bella, would not have noticed the change in his features or the tense shift of his muscles, but they hit me like a ton of bricks.

"She does good work" he added as I forced myself to look up at him.
"So, you two playing hooky for a few days?" he asked as he turned his attention back to Bella, trying to act only vaguely interested in the answer. She seemed to not notice the exchange between Xavier and I as she answered him with a shrug and a faint smile.
"Maybe a day or two… But Eddie can go without me" she said confidently as she looked over at me, waiting for me to answer, when Xavier quickly and calmly answered for me. "Nothing wrong with taking a few days off. It's good to take a break, find your bearings before you go back" he said looking back over at me with a sincere smile and raised eyebrows.
"Yeah, I'll take a few days off" I assured him, noticing how he relaxed as I agreed with him.
He continued his conversation with Bella, keeping things light, he was good at that. He was good at making people feel comfortable and assured when they were around him. Though the occasional look he would throw my way let me know what was coming.

He stood talking to Emmett, Mum, Dad and Bella in the living room for a long time when he finally said that he had to go and asked me to walk him out to his car. It wasn't until I closed the front door behind me that his soft expression disappeared, he looked at me ready to say something, but instead he shook his head and made his way down the steps. I dropped my head and followed him sticking my hands in my pockets.
"We've been over this Eddie" he said in a low and rough voice as I made my way behind him.
"We've been over this, a hundred fucking times" he growled as he turned around quickly with his hands open at his sides, silently pleading for an answer. He ducked his head down so that he could line his eyes up with mine.
"I just haven't found the right time" keeping my gaze locked his open palms.
"You found enough time to get a gallon of ink pierced into your skin though" he argued as he took a step closer to me. "You've been here a week, what are you waiting for" he said raising his voice, it wasn't exactly loud, but it was as louder than I had ever heard him.
"I'm gonna tell her, I am" I reasoned as his hand suddenly took a hold of the side of my face, his thumb pressed down on my cheek, manoeuvring my head until I was looking in his eyes again. His expression softened as he looked over my face, his fingers knotted into my hair and I couldn't tell if he wanted to hit me or hug me.

"Listen to me" he said with his familiar low and serious tone that I was accustomed to me. "Tell her the truth, don't go back to school until you've got your shit together and do not go looking for Jacob Black, do you hear me Eddy?"
I locked my gaze with his and nodded, "I hear you"
His hand slid from my face when he seemed satisfied with my response, but I could tell the lecture wasn't over.

"Did you take anything that night you met up with Ravin, Marcus and Makin"
"I smoked some weed with them" I said shrugging and watching as he rolled his eyes at my answer.
"You know that's not what I'm talking about"
"Yeah, I did" I admitted, knowing it would have pissed him off.
"Did you drink?" he asked as his tone grew serious and firm once more.
"No" I said firmly, wanting him to know it was the truth.
"You know what could happen if you-"
"I know, I didn't drink. I haven't. At all." I said in frustration. Of course, I knew what could happen, the doctors had told me a hundred times. Knowing that he thought I would do something that could set me off, really did annoy me,
but I hadn't given him much reason lately to think that I had my shit together.

He let out a sigh as I took in his agitated state, I could tell I was exhausting him, he reached into his pocket pulling out a small sachet and handing it to me. I took it and stuffed it into my pocket, knowing exactly what it was.
"Thanks." I said, for some reason, it made him smile and shake his head.
"I'll be back in a few days."
"And Jacob?" I I questioned, trying to keep my voice steady as I said his name, but it was no use.
"Don't worry about it" he said turning to get into his car.
"You saw what he did to her" I said coldly knowing that the bruise and stitches were unmissable.
"Yeah I did. I said I'd handle it and I will. You can't be involved in this Eddy." He said turning to meet my gaze once more, using his eyes to enforce his words.
"I know"
I could tell he hated putting me in my place like that and it honestly made me feel like a complete psychopath, as if I were incapable of dealing with something without out having a complete meltdown. But at the same time, I had put him through to much to just fuck everything up and I knew he was doing this for me. Just as he always did.

She laid her legs over mine and she pushed her side as close to mine as possible, it didn't take long before I had to except that I was exhausted. I found that the closer her warm body got to mine the sleepier it made me. I could hear feel her laugh in to my chest over the parts of the movie she found funny and with that brought on a wave of peace, that forced my eye lids to give in without their usual fight. But of course, that peace could not last.

I could see him reaching out to me, screaming in agony as he choked on the blood that was erupting from his mouth. But I couldn't reach him. I couldn't get my seat-belt off and she seemed so far away from me. She couldn't hear me as I begged her to wake up, her body hung limp and lifeless in the air as the truck suddenly filled with light. The panic was unbelievable, it consumed every cell inside of me as I struggled to get the seat belt off. I looked up as the car quickly approached, Charlie was still looking at me, still reaching for me, as the car emerged over the hill and collided flew at ours, this was it. We were all going to die.

"Eddy!"

My eyes snapped open to see her hovering over me, her hands planted on my chest holding me in place.
"You're ok" she insisted as I searched the room, trying to assure myself it was, in fact, a dream. Her fingers started combing through my hair as she told me that it was over.
"I couldn't get to you" I breathed out without thinking as I struggled to calm down.
"I'm right here Eddy" I nodded as the words left her mouth, I couldn't help but grab on to her. I was so afraid she would disappear and I would be left clutching a pillow. I pressed my face into her hair and desperately tried to calm down.
I wanted so badly to not be this mess, but this was it. This is me.
I couldn't pretend that I was ok and shrug it off, because I wasn't ok, I hadn't been in a long time and I was so fucking tired of pretending. I stayed there in her arms, the place that I had craved for so long. Until every part of that dream had faded and I could breathe again. I didn't go back to sleep, instead I laid there with her body covering mine as she slept on my chest, trying to figure out exactly what I was going to say, how I was going to tell her that I had betrayed everything that we had, that I had given up on all of it. Because there was no waiting for the right time, that moment didn't exist.

Mom had a job interview, Dad was at work and Emmett was at school, it was just us here and I knew that this was it.
I took two pills and put the containers back in their place when I suddenly caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and shook my head. I yanked the draw back open and pulled out the pills, they were the only physical thing I had, well, the only thing that wasn't permanently attached to my body and I knew if I could show them to her, it would force me to start talking, they would expose secrets and for some reason I thought that it might make this easier.

….….

I leaned into my knees as I sat on the edge of the bed watching her sleep.
She was going to be devastated. I was going to be the one who made her cry and that thought made my stomach muscles twist into a painful knot.

When she started to wake I became motionless. I didn't know what to say. She seemed to be waiting for something, knowing that something was about to happen. I could feel her eyes on me as she laid still on the bed waiting for me to say something, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
"You said his name last night" she whispered softly, wanting me to respond but I just couldn't seem open my mouth. I
t was like this jar of secrets lived inside of me. The lid was on so tightly and I couldn't seem to undo it to let everything out. That thought infuriated me, the idea that they would just fester inside of me, it made me hate this silence even more. It made me want to fill the air around us with everything I needed to tell her. I wanted to smash that jar into a million pieces and be rid of all this crap that kept me from getting close to her.
"What are these" she asked as she sat herself up and grabbed one of the small containers.
"These are yours" It wasn't a question, I knew she could see my name on them. I glanced over at her hand and nodded as she looked at the label .
"Why do you take all these" I dropped my gaze down to my feet and began rubbing my hands together anxiously.
"I don't want to tell you what there for yet. Because it's no excuse for what I did and I don't want you to let me off the hook because of it" I said without looking at her once. I knew I should have had the guts to look her in the eyes when I spoke, but I couldn't do it. My neck seemed to be cemented in this spot, even when she spoke to me in a quiet whisper, one that revealed just how scared she was, I was still to much of a coward to face her.
"Let you off the hook for what Eddy?"
I wanted to start at the beginning, if only to purge all of it, every bit. I wanted to show that jar of crap that not only did it not belong here, but that I didn't want any fucking part of it anymore. I focused on my hands as they tightened around each other painfully, as I let a shaky breath out.

"I couldn't..." I stopped talking as soon as I started and felt my heart race at the thought of her hating me for the horrible things I have done. I
found myself wondering what she ever loved about me. I obviously never deserved her, my presence has never caused her anything but chaos. This moment was going to be more proof of that.

"You can talk to me Eddy." My eyes closed at the way she said my name, like we had never left this spot, as if we had just woken up here together and those years of separation never happened.

I tried to steady my breathing but knew it was probably not going to happen. I looked down at my feet and refused to meet her gaze, ashamed of the tears that were filling them.
"It was just too much" I admitted as I felt her move closer to me and settle herself beside me, patiently waiting for me to continue.
"I'm not strong like you are." I admitted, knowing no truer words had ever been spoken.
"You are strong Eddy" she whispered running her hand over my arm, though I wondered how she could even say such a thing, especially now when my whole body was trembling as I shook my head.
"I let it brake me. I wanted it to brake me, I deserved that" I admitted, my words coming out way to quickly, jumbling up with each other until they sounded like a slur of sound.
"Why would you say-"
"Because it was my fault Bella" I said firmly, turning my head to the side in her direction, though I still couldn't bring myself to look at her.
I wasn't selfish enough to know that she hadn't gone through everything I had, that everything for her was so much worse than it had been for me. Though none of that made anything that I had to say any less true. It just proved once again that she was stronger than me, because she made it through without giving up.
"It was a car accident Eddy" she said softly making me shake my head and close my eyes.
"I should have tried to save him"
"you were a kid, how could you think that? Have you always thought that? This whole time?" she questioned with a frantic and concerned edge to her tone.
I couldn't answer any of it, I wouldn't. I knew the answer's would only make her pity that little boy and he didn't deserve one bit of it, that kid was a moron, he was a coward and nothing anyone said could ever convince me otherwise.
"After losing him and then you. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I just wanted it over. I didn't want to dwell in it anymore because it hurt so much, but I couldn't bring myself to let it go because It was all I had left" I said as I felt the tears spill over onto my cheeks. She reached out and plied my hands apart so she could curl her fingers into mine and the sight of it shattered something inside of me.

"Keep going" she encouraged firmly, but still I couldn't figure out how to say it, so I took the cowards way out, as I always did and held my wrist out in front of her.
"Look at my arms Bella, really look at them" I said forcing myself to finally meet her gaze, her brow creased and she looked confused, but finally she dropped her sights down and examined them.
I watched her face as the shock and pain covered her expression and a rough gasp escaped her lips, making them shake. She gently took my arm tracing the scars that were visible once you knew they were there. She angled my whole body towards her and I moved willingly, letting her move my arms into different positions and lift the sleeves of my shirt so that she could see everything I had done.
I watched as her eyes filled with tears and harsh breaths rapidly release from her mouth, that now hung open.

"Bell, I'm so sorry -" Before I could finish her hands launched at me. They grabbed a hold of my shirt clinging to the fabric, using it to help pull he body onto my lap as she shook her head.
I froze at the unexpected movement, trying to comprehend what was happening as she wrapped her legs around my waist and her arms around my neck, so tightly that it hurt.
"Were never going to be apart again" she said forcefully as she pulled me as close as was humanly possible. My arms that had been stiff at my side, instantly swung around her waist, the impact of them colliding with her body shattered the jar, breaking it open for the first time in years.

The anger I had expected, never came. My regret now is the wasted time on expecting a rage that would end us both. But the rage was all in my head. She didn't see the betrayal in what I had done. She only saw the sadness and broken heart, I was the only person here who couldn't forgive my actions. Her arms around me healed and covered the scars better than any tattoo, because she eased the shameful sting that was entwined with them .

Xavier had tried to tell me that she would forgive me, He had told me over and over again for years, but I couldn't listen to him. I
knew Bella better than anyone, but my own self-hatred clouded what I knew about her, until I was sure that she would feel how I did. And it proved that Xavier was right about taking over the situation with Jacob. I was irrational and I had to accept the fact that someone with a clearer head could handle things better.