Author's Note: I do NOT own any of the characters in this story! They all belong to Mr. Julian Fellowes.
Also:
I love this chapter...love love love love love love love this chapter! It's taken me forever, but it's done and I love it! I hope you love it too!
I'm thinking two more chapters after this. I think. I still don't really know how I want to end this story though. We'll see.
If you're willing, please leave me a review or even just a comment! Every little bit of encouragement means the world to me and assures me I'm not doing this for nothing.
and please forgive any grammar/spelling mistakes.
Much Love, xoxo
Anna didn't understand. She didn't know what was going on.
She was scared.
For about three weeks now, Anna had not heard from John at all. Three weeks. It's taken a while to hear from him before, but never this long. Never three weeks.
Anna had not heard a single word. Not a single letter. Not even an explanation, whether it be from John himself or the prison. She has also been stopped from visiting him. She was not allowed to see him, no matter how much she wanted to. No matter how much she needed to.
I need to see him. I need to hear from him. Why isn't he answering my letters?
John, why are you doing this? Why now? When we're so close to setting you free?
That's it, isn't it? He's trying to set me free. He's telling me to move on. He's giving up. He's giving up on getting out of prison and he's giving up on us.
He's giving up on us.
He doesn't want me. He doesn't love me like he said he did. He never wanted to marry me. We're done. He's done. He doesn't want me to fight for him. He doesn't want me at all.
What did I do?
John.
It was madness. This consumed the entirety of Anna's thoughts throughout the day. Often times, these ideas brought her to tears, causing her to have to hide in corners while she pulled herself together so she could continue working. She was completely distracted, and people were beginning to notice: Lady Mary, Mrs. Hughes, even Mr. Carson.
Mrs. Hughes had even approached Anna about the situation earlier that day.
She had been in the hall downstairs, putting her things away after fixing the hem of one of Lady Mary's dresses. She was thinking of John. She was worrying and stressing out and imagining the worst possible outcomes when Mrs. Hughes had approached her saying, "I'm going out, Anna. I've told Mrs. Patmore, and I think everything's under control for tonight, but—"
That was when Mrs. Hughes actually looked at Anna and saw the tears in her eyes and the worry that was plainly etched across every one of her features. "What's the matter?"
Anna shook her head and tried to smile. "Nothing."
Mrs. Hughes just looked at her. Seeing her expression, Anna knew that the housekeeper knew her too well and she realized she would never be able to fool her. "Except...well, I ha— I haven't had a letter from Mr. Bates in weeks."
Anna could feel her voice begin to give out as the tears rose to the surface once more. She watched Mrs. Hughes give her a slight nod, as if she understood, and she continued, "I worry...I worry that he's being gallant and...trying to set me free. He wants me to make a new life without him."
Mrs. Hughes shook her head as she said, "I doubt it very much."
But Anna didn't understand. How could she be so sure? "Then why would he be silent like this? And stop me visiting?"
"Obviously, I don't know why, but I do know there'll be a good reason."
"Do you really think so?" Again, Anna didn't know how Mrs. Hughes could be so positive when Anna was trying so hard to be the same way but failing at it. Mr. Bates was Anna's husband. She was supposed to have faith that nothing could break the bond, the love, the trust they had in each other. But now it seemed like none of that mattered. Now, it felt like everything was falling apart right before her eyes.
The housekeeper looked at her again, and in a strong, positive voice she said, "I'd swear to it."
Mrs. Hughes approached her, and put a hand on Anna's shoulder, trying to comfort her. But as Anna recognized the kind nature of the gesture and smiled and nodded in gratitude, she could not help the tears that fell from her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. The housekeeper smiled back and wiped the tears away before turning around and heading out, leaving Anna alone again with her thoughts.
As Anna went about the rest of her day, she kept thinking back to the conversation with the housekeeper. As much as Anna wanted to believe Mrs. Hughes and find comfort in her words, it was impossible. Anna would continue to tell herself that it was a mistake, that John wasn't the one keeping her away. However, as much as she wanted to believe it, she just couldn't bring herself to do so. It didn't make any sense. And the more she thought about it, the more and more she didn't understand. The more and more she worried. The more and more she blamed herself. The more and more she fell apart.
Three more weeks passed, and Anna still hadn't heard from John. Six weeks total without a single letter. In the beginning, Anna still wrote to John, almost religiously. But after week five, she had started slacking, and not writing as much anymore. She had lost hope. Her faith was dwindling day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.
At night, she sat in the ballroom, in front of the mirror. The music playing in the background, she would stare at her reflection in the glass, watching the tears roll down her face then fall into her lap as she thought about John.
She would think about the early days of their relationship. When he first arrived at Downton and they were only friends with her hoping for something more. She thought about the time he brought the tray of food to her room when she was sick. That was when she really truly knew she loved him. Even though she didn't really believe in love at first sight, she thought she loved him from the moment she met him, but that night was the final straw. That was when she knew. That was when she knew she wanted to marry him.
She then thought about their first kiss, and the night he proposed in the courtyard, not too long after. She remembered how her heart skipped a beat when he told her he loved her in the pub and how he would love her however, whatever, whenever.
She vividly remembered the day they got married as if it had just happened the day before. Along with that, she remembered their wedding night and spending it in the room Lady Mary and Jane had prepared for them. She recalled making love to him for the first time that night, becoming his wife in every sense of the term.
Bodies. Bodies clothed one second, then bare the next. Bodies pressed against each other as they fell into the bed, pulling the blankets over them. Bodies moving together at their own pace, their own special and unique rhythm.
Hands. Hands all over. His hands on her face, her hands on his chest. His hands on her hips, her hands grabbing at his shoulders. His hands at her thighs, her hands running through his hair. His hands tangled in her hair, her hands at his backside. Their hands laced together in a bond she thought was unbreakable.
Lips. Lips on lips. Frantic. Lips on her ears. Lips on his neck. Lips on her collarbone. Lips on his chest. Lips on her face. Lips on his shoulder. Lips on her breasts. Lips on his fingertips. Lips on her belly. Lips on his face. Lips on her legs and feet. Lips on every inch of exposed skin.
Voices. Voices whispering hushed I love you's. Voices mewling. Voices grunting. Voices letting go of soft moans. Voices mixing together in ecstasy. His voice.
Anna squeezed her eyes shut. She could hear him in her ear. She could feel his hands, his arms, around her, holding her. She could see the see the image of his face in front of her, smiling with those crinkly eyes –
BOOM
Her eyes snapped open and her body froze, tensing up, her heart rate rising and sweat forming in droplets at her temples. As the echo died down, Anna stayed completely still. She searched the mirror in front of her for any sign of movement, but noticed nothing.
After a few more minutes of staying still, the only noise being the music playing in the background, Anna decided to investigate. In one fluid motion, she twisted her body, stood, and turned so she was upright with her back to the mirror, looking at the wide open room in front of her.
She scanned the room for anything out of place, anything that could've made the noise she had just heard. Eventually, she noticed a chair, turned on its side, in the corner of the room, seemingly fallen off of the towering pile of neglected furniture.
She let out a shaky sigh of breath she hadn't realized she had been holding and let her body relax. She was still breathing rather rapidly and shallow as she tried to get her heart rate back to normal.
She took a step back and slumped down to the ground, resting her back and head against the glass mirror. She looked around at the empty room, and realized just that: It was empty. She was alone.
There's no John. He's not here. He's not speaking. He's not holding you. He has never been in this room.
He's gone. He was never here at all.
Anna closed her eyes as the tears started to form again and shook her head.
Stop.
She bent her neck forward, and then recoiled it back again, making contact with the glass mirror behind her head. Bang.
Stop it, Anna.
Bang.
He's not coming back. He doesn't want you. He doesn't want you fighting for him.
Bang.
Just get it into your head. He's given up. So should you. Get back to your life before you were married. Before you fell for him. Before he even arrived.
Bang.
He's just a figment of your imagination. He was never here.
Bang.
He
Bang.
Never
Bang.
Loved
Bang.
You.
Bang.
He
Bang.
Doesn't
Bang.
Exist.
CRACK
Anna winced as she heard the cracking, snapping, and breaking behind her head. She then felt the pain from the blows start at the crown of her head, spread to her neck, through her chest, and all the way down to her feet. Fresh tears began to fall down her face as the pain got worse and worse.
After a few minutes of no movement except for the tears rolling down her face, Anna decided she had to leave the ballroom. The music had ended and the room was completely silent. She peeled her head away from the mirror and heard the soft clinking of shards of glass hitting the floor.
She slowly made her way upright and looked at the mirror. About two and a half feet from the floor, the glass was shattered, starting from a circular shape in the center, and spreading outwards in a shape that looked like a spider's web.
As she stared at the fissures in the glass, she reached up to the back of her head. She gently brushed the crown of her hair, and more tears fell as she felt a sticky liquid she could only presume was blood.
She turned and made her way towards the door. With every step, her body shook violently as the pain throbbed throughout her entire figure. Once in the hallway, she hugged her chest and felt another wave of pain, followed by another round of tears.
Her eyes, her head were fuzzy and blurred.
The room shook as her feet hit the carpeted floor.
The tears hit the floor beneath her with every vicious shake of her body.
Eventually, she made it to her room. As she closed the door behind her, exhaustion took over and she instantaneously became dizzy. She took two steps and collapsed on her bed, not bothering to change her clothes, not bothering to pull the blankets over herself.
She laid there, eyes wide open, tears falling, staring at nothing in particular. She focused on the ebb and flow of the waves of pain racking her body.
Before she knew it, Daisy was knocking on her door announcing the morning. She got up and got ready just as any normal day.
Because he doesn't exist.