Title: Teething
A/N: The thought of this was just beyond hilarious. Also, though it's uncommon for a child to start teething as late as fifteen months, it's not impossible. Also, just to clear things up, I have no idea what year the manga's supposed to start in, timeline-wise, so I just put the storyline of Bleach, as far as the first chapter of the manga goes, as starting in 2005.
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.

Considering Uryuu was asleep when he came to get him Ryuuken thinks he can be forgiven for not noticing until he got home.

At first, he doesn't know what's going on. The child's calm until the car's motor cuts out and Ryuuken reaches down to get him out of the car seat. That's when Uryuu wakes up, and that's when he starts crying.

Oh, good grief; I didn't even smoke anything today.

No matter what he does Ryuuken can't calm Uryuu down. It's when they get inside that he notices blood on the rim of his son's mouth. Sure enough, when he checks, there are in the child's mouth two erupted teeth.

Well, I suppose that this might stand as a justifiable reason to cry.

Once Ryuuken manages to register the fact that Uryuu, at nearly fifteen months, is finally teething, it occurs to him that he hasn't got a clue what to do about it. I'd completely forgotten how children tend to react to this.

It doesn't take long for him to start thinking frantically of something, anything that Uryuu might be willing to gnaw on. Uryuu's incessant wailing, which only seems to have heightened in intensity since entering the house, doesn't help at all.

Then, Ryuuken remembers the teething rings in the bathroom drawer.

That doesn't help either. Uryuu entertains the thought of gnawing on the green ring for maybe ten seconds before spitting it out and howling even louder.

Ryuuken stares at him, wondering if this is the cue for his mind to start unraveling.

Well damn.

-0-0-0-

The ringing on the other end of the phone stops abruptly as Soken picks up on his end.

"Hello, who—"

Ryuuken abruptly cuts off the pleasantries. "Father, is there a reason why you didn't tell me Uryuu was teething?"

On the other end, Soken can be heard sighing. "You didn't give me enough time. If you'd actually waited a minute I would have told you." There's a distinct reproachful note in his voice.

"How long is this going to last?" Frankly, Ryuuken doesn't know enough about the inner workings of a small child to pinpoint how long it takes for all of a child's milk teeth to come in. However, Soken, having had to take care of a child himself, probably has some idea.

"It may take him a few months or a few years for all of the teeth to come in."

Delightful.

"However, the pain should stop being overwhelming much sooner than that. You cried your poor little lungs out for about three weeks when you started teething and was mostly quiet after that."

"Ah." Ryuuken grits his teeth and swallows his pride further down for a moment. "Father, what exactly, if anything, did you have that Uryuu could chew on to relieve the pain." He prays the pleading note in his mind isn't bleeding through to his voice.

"I used a carrot; he seemed content with that."

A… carrot. That headache that's coming on has absolutely nothing to do with a child's crying."…I hope you at least washed it off first."

"Of course I did," comes the affronted reply.

With that, Soken takes the conversation in a slightly different direction. "Ryuuken, considering I can't hear Uryuu over this telephone, I'm going to go on the assumption that you've found something that he will chew on. I know it's not carrots, since you don't like carrots. What are you using?" the old man asks curiously.

For a moment, Ryuuken pauses, unwilling to answer that question. Then, he sucks in a deep breath and replies. "My fingers."

Ryuuken can guess the sort of reaction Soken's having on the other end of the phone. "Can you repeat that? I think there was some static."

Good grief. "My fingers," Ryuuken repeats as flatly as he can manage. "He's drawing blood, and I can't make him let go." He glares sourly at Uryuu. Uryuu is sitting in his lap on the bed, two small hands firmly wrapped around his father's left hand. He's putting those two teeth of his to good use—or not so good, if you were to ask Ryuuken. Blue eyes lift in an innocent stare. The Devil take you.

The sound that follows over the phone is unmistakably that of peals of laughter. Face burning, Ryuuken hangs up before Soken can catch his breath.

"You really do exist to give me trouble, don't you?"

Uryuu's only response is to sink his teeth in a little deeper.