(A.N:/ I'm sorry I haven't updated in a few days! I've been up to my neck in requests that I haven't had much time to work on this! Anyway, I'm not really expecting this chapter to be very long buuut you get to learn a little bit more about Sebastian and sort of begin to get an idea why he is the way he is. And, of course, you get more of Jeff's history. Yay haha but as for later chapters to come, there is a scene/multiple scenes leading up to it, that I've been planning that I think will be really great! Ha, but that's later. Again, I'm putting a trigger warning on this chapter. Anyway, hope you enjoy!)
"So what's yours?" Sebastian asked.
"I-I...I don't really know what to say. I wouldn't even know where to begin..." Jeff said, face empty of emotion. It startled Sebastian a bit to see Jeff this way. He always knew there was something behind the blond's happy mask, he just never imagined he would ever see it.
"The beginning would be a good place." Sebastian offered, shrugging.
Jeff laughed solemnly. "It's a long story with lots of parts..."
Sebastian grabbed a chair and pulled it up across from Jeff, sitting down. "Lucky for you, I've got lots of time."
Jeff sighed deeply. "Alright...I guess it all really started when I was a kid. I was...well, I was a lot different then the others. Even worse back then than I am today. I didn't have friends. I didn't have anyone who wanted to be my friend. No one except Nick that is...And until freshman year when I came here he was my only friend. But back to me as a child...They treated me as if I had the plague or something. As if you would die if you so much as looked at me..."
"Kids can be mean."
"No. Kids can be damn cruel. They made me an outcast. Like I didn't belong...Like I didn't even exist. It was Hell. Pure Hell. Being just a little kid and having everyone ignore you...pretending you don't exist. Having them not even bother to acknowledge my existence. And then...then one day, when I was in the forth grade, they started to again. They started paying attention to me again...They started picking on me. Making fun of me. At first it was for me being taller then the other kids, then it evolved into literally everything I did. And...at first, I was ecstatic about it. Can you imagine being happy over people being absolutely cruel to you? I didn't care though. It was better then not existing...At least for a little while I thought it was. It started with just some mean names, then they started throwing trash at me, which soon turned into punches and beatings...They would follow me home from school and jump me. Beat me up until I was bleeding on the floor. They sent me to the hospital six times before I even hit junior high." Jeff said, his eyes cold. "They wouldn't leave me alone. It seemed like it was their personal mission in life to make me miserable...And I never understood why either. Not even to this day. I mean, what did I ever do to them? Half the people who beat me up didn't even know my name or even why they were hitting me. They just were. It just didn't make sense. Why would they try so hard to make me so miserable...They changed me so much..."
"What'd they do to you?" Sebastian asked.
"They made me hate myself." Jeff said, just above a whisper. "I hated myself so much...and I couldn't stand it..." Jeff trailed off, his eyes still cold with memories of his past.
"W-what do you mean?" Sebastian asked, already knowing what Jeff meant but silently hoping he was wrong.
Jeff stared at his reflection in the mirror. His chest had thick, disgusting, scars on his chest that formed into the word 'fag'. As much as he hated looking at the words he couldn't look away. They're right. They're all right...I'm useless. I just make their lives worse...I make everyone's life worse...I don't see why they even bother. I just upset them all. Everyone I care about. My parents, my brothers...even Nicky...Especially Nicky...Maybe if I wasn't around it'd be easier for them. They'd be happy...I could make them happy. Jeff looked down at his arms and stared at the multiple scars on his arms. He brushed his fingers lightly against the scars, feeling every grove and indent on his arm from the cuts that weren't completely healed. He sighed as he touched them, almost as if he was a relief to touch them. They were different then the one on his chest. He was the one who put the scars and cuts there. He felt ashamed as he looked at his body. He felt branded by the word on his chest and he felt disgusted by the scars on the rest of his body. Jeff could feel tears forming in the corner of his eyes. He was so unhappy. So miserable. He continued to stare at his reflection as he felt the tears going down his face. "I-I...can't do this...Not anymore..." Jeff said.
He made his way to his family medicine cabinet and looked inside. He stared at inside, not moving an inch, for what seemed to be an eternity before he grabbed everything he could. Without even giving it a second thought he pulled the lids off every bottle he could get his hands on and took every last pill in them. Asprin, paracetamo, ibuprofen, pain relievers, tylenol, his antidepressants, even cough syrup and vitamins. He took everything. He threw the empty bottles on the floor and went into his parents liquor cabinet, grabbing a bottle of vodka, before going back up to his room. He took a few long drinks before going into his bathroom and grabbing a razor blade. He smiled dully to himself when he began feeling the effects of the pills. It wasn't fast enough. He put the razor up against his skin and began cutting. Cut after cut after cut, until he began feeling light headed. He rested the back of his head up against the bathroom wall as he began thinking about his family. It doesn't matter. I do matter...not to them. I never have. They never cared about how I was being bullied. Sure, they were sympathetic and all but they never really cared. They knew how sad I was...how much I wanted to die...yet they did nothing. They didn't even bother trying to talk to me...They just pumped me up with pills because they didn't want to be bothered with me or the thought of having a son that wasn't perfect...I'm not like my brothers...I'm not perfect, and I'm sorry for that, mom, dad...I truly am. I tried my best...but I'm not. No matter how hard I try, I'll never be perfect like them. They'll be happy when I'm gone. I'm sure...but what about Nicky? No. He's better off without me. Sure, he'll be sad for a little while but he'll get over it eventually. He'll get over me eventually. Jeff laughed bitterly to himself as he felt his eyes becoming heavy and reality fading away. "To die would be an awfully big adventure." If he was still conscious he would have made fun of himself for his last words being a quote from Peter Pan but everything went black as soon as he finished the last word.
Jeff's eyes burned as he opened them. He looked around the room in confusion for a long minute until he saw Nick, sitting on a chair beside his bed. Of course. I can't even die correctly. Jeff thought bitterly to himself. Jeff sighed loudly causing Nick to look up. Jeff saw Nick's bloodshot, swollen eyes, and his heart broke. Nick shook lightly as he looked at Jeff, tears taking over his body obviously not for the first time that day. Jeff tried to say something to Nick but when he opened his mouth to say something he realized that something was preventing him to do so. He looked down and saw a large tube in his mouth. He took the tube in his hands and pulled it out, choking a bit in the process. He didn't bother with the rest of the tubes and wires that were stuck inside his arms and a few on his chest. He knew better then to pull those particular ones out.
"J-jeff..." Nick managed to get out, lip quivering as tears ran down his face.
Jeff felt horrible. Not just horrible because his stomach was pumped and he was hooked up to machines, but horrible because he hurt Nick; the one person who truly cared about him. "Nicky..." Jeff whispered, looking away from the brunet and down at his lap. He couldn't look Nick in the eye. He couldn't bare to, it just hurt him too much to see Nick so broken and know that it was his fault. Nick moved from his chair and sat on the side of Jeff's bed. The two sat in silence for some time before Nick managed to say anything.
"I-I...I thought I'd never see you again." Nick said just above a whisper. He lightly traced Jeff's hand with the tips of his fingers as if he was checking to see if Jeff really was real and not just a figment of his imagination. After a moment when he decided that Jeff was real he took Jeff's hand in his, their fingers intertwining in the process. Jeff lightly squeezed Nick's hand and scooted over in his bed slightly to make more room for Nick. Nick understood and pulled the rest of his body into the bed until he was also laying down, only centimeters from touching each other. Jeff's eyes were dull and glazed over, as if he was in deep thought. Nick sniffled and Jeff put his head on his shoulder, knowing that the brunet would feel a little better with the extra contact.
Jeff opened his mouth to say something but then closed it. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know what he should say. After all, it wasn't like he planned to still be alive. So he said the first thing he thought of. "I'm sorry." He said, causing Nick to stiffen slightly at the sudden words.
Nick looked down at Jeff, who was now gazing up at Nick with big, sad eyes, and just gave him a sympathetic look before sniffling again. "I thought you said you quit cutting yourself." Nick said, beginning to shake a little.
"I did Nicky." Jeff said, quickly. He was lying, which made him feel even worse but he knew Nick needed the lie.
"Don't lie to me Jeff! I'm looking at your arms right now. There are scars everywhere. Some of them are still fresh." Nick said, a little angrily. He got up from his laying position and got off the bed.
"Nicky, I..."
"I didn't know it was this bad Jeff..." Nick said, tearing up again.
"What do you mean?" Jeff asked, confused.
"I always knew you were sad but I never knew it was this bad Jeff...Why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't want to bother you." Jeff said, looking back down at his lap.
Nick looked at Jeff in shock. He couldn't believe what Jeff had said. "Jeff, your happiness and more importantly life are the most important things in the world to me! I couldn't imagine life without you...I wouldn't be living anymore, I'd just be going through the motions. Jeff, I couldn't imagine not growing old with you. I wouldn't want to! You're so amazing and talented and I just wish you could see that. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, the way I see you. If you did just for a second you'd know that you're the most amazing person on the planet! Seriously. And I should have noticed how depressed you where. I should've done something...and I wish I had...But, I can't change the past, I can only try my very best now to make sure you are happy and take care of you. I almost lost you Jeff and I'm not going to loose you again. I refuse to. As of right now you are my entire life and it's going to stay that way forever. I'm going to make sure I'm always there for you, no matter what, and always do things that are in your best interest. Jeff, I'm never going to let anyone hurt you ever again. You will be happy, just you watch and we're going to grow old together and have a porch swing in the front of our house and yell things at little kids and own nine-thousand cats and eat dinner at four in the afternoon and go to bingo and the works. But for that to happen you need to stay strong. You need to stay alive."
Jeff took a moment to collect himself before laughing lightly. "So we're going to live together and have a porch swing?"
Nick laughed lightly too. "Yeah, it's all part of my plan."
"It sounds like a good plan."
"It's a great plan."
"Nicky?" Jeff asked, biting his lip nervously.
"Yeah?"
"A-are...are my parents here?" Jeff said, looking up at Nick with big, childlike, eyes.
Nick's face fell and he looked down at the floor. "I'm sorry...they aren't. They're out of town still." Nick looked back up at the blond to see him with a disappointed face. "What's wrong?"
"Not even me trying to kill myself will make them care..."
"Jeff..." Nick said, gently rubbing the blond's shoulder.
"Did they say when they're coming back?"
"I...I didn't get to talk to them. I left them a voicemail and they haven't replied yet..."
Jeff laughed bitterly. "They don't even care enough to call..."
"They don't matter Jeff. If they aren't here for you now then they don't matter. I'm here for you. I wont leave you."
"Promise?" Jeff asked, looking Nick in the eyes sadly.
"Promise." Nick said, squeezing Jeff's hand. There was then a knock on the door and Jeff's doctor walked in. Nick automatically recognized the man who had been treating Jeff and turned to the blond to explain. "That's your doctor."
The doctor nodded. "Yes. I am doctor Tennant. How are you feeling?"
"I..." Jeff paused for a moment to think. "I guess I feel alright, I mean, as alright as a guy who had their stomach pumped..." Jeff said, laughing lightly. He was the kind of person who always tried to make light of a serious situation. It was just who he was.
Doctor Tennant nodded. "That's good to hear. But now I'd like to have a serious talk with you..." He glanced at Nick. "Normally I'd like to have it with your parents or legal guardians seeing as you're still a minor but seeing as they are not present...I'll allow for you," He said turning back to Nick, "to stay in the room." The doctor took a deep breath before speaking again. "Now Jeff, I am what is known as a crisis doctor, meaning that my job is to make sure you're not a danger to yourself. Normally I would interview you but seeing as how you were brought in and the scars on your arm I don't think it'd necessary to do at this very moment. However, I will be doing so later. Now, with every suicide attempt the patient is permitted to stay in the hospital for a minimal of seventy-two hours and then if they present no danger to themselves or others they would normally be released. If we believe that a patient is still a risk to themselves after those three days we must move them to the psych ward to seek proper treatment until we see fit. You have a slightly different case seeing as you're a minor and you have no one to sign off for you. Until you have someone come and sign you out we legally can not release you. Do you understand all that I'm trying to tell you?"
Jeff nodded. "Yes." He said, his voice small. He felt overwhelmed with all the words the doctor was saying.
"I also must inform you that we will be moving you up to the psych ward now...where you will not be aloud visitors. I'm sorry."
Jeff started feeling distressed when he heard that he wasn't aloud to have visitors. More importantly, that Nick wasn't aloud to be with him. "B-but I thought I had three days until I was moved!"
"Jeff, you've been here five days now." Nick said, rubbing his back.
"What!"
"You've been asleep this entire time..."
"We had to put you into a medically induced coma because of the amount of blood that you lost before you arrived." The doctor said. And that's when it hit Jeff that someone had to have taken him to the hospital. Someone had to have found him. "I'm sorry. I know this is a lot to take in but it was something you needed to be told." The doctor said, sounding sympathetic.
"How long will I be there?" Jeff asked, not wanting to know the answer. "Until I get better?"
"In any normal circumstance, yes, but in yours you will remain here until someone will sign you out. You may be mentally able to be released in a few days for all we know but you wont be able to be released until you have a parent or guardian sign for you. I'm sorry."
"If I have to wait for them then I'll never get out..." Jeff said to himself.
"I'm sorry, I hate to do this but I need to move you now...I'll give the two of you a moment alone...I'll be right outside if you need anything, please push the button beside you." Jeff nodded and the doctor walked outside.
Jeff turned his attention to Nick. "Nicky...I'm scared."
Nick frowned, clutching the blond's hand tightly. "I know you are. But, I promise I'll be back the moment they let me see you. I promise. And then I'll take care of you. You will be happy Jeff. I promise you, you will be happy again. This isn't goodbye Jeff. I promise."
Jeff nodded, beginning to feel tears forming in the corners of his eyes. "It's not goodbye...Just a 'see you later'."
Nick nodded and pressed his forehead against Jeff's. "I love you Jeff. And I wont ever let anything bad happen to you again. I'll protect you from now on."
"I love you too Nicky." Nick nodded and kissed Jeff's forehead before leaving. A moment later the doctor walked back in and helped Jeff into a wheelchair, which was hard because of all the wires and tubes he was connected to.
"Is he your boyfriend?" The doctor asked casually.
"Who? Nicky? No, he's just a friend...who's straight."
The doctor nodded. "Oh...The two of you must be very close. I've seen married couples that aren't even as close as the two of you."
Jeff laughed lightly. "Yeah, Nicky's great. We're very close."
"I could tell. He only left your side once since you got here and that was to collect some of your things, which a nurse already took to your room before you woke up. He did a good job taking care of you while you were out."
Jeff smiled to himself. "He did, didn't he?"
The doctor stopped pushing Jeff as he pulled him in a room. "And here we are...And as of right now, I am no longer your doctor anymore. You will meet your new doctor in a little while. But for now, lets get you settled in. And Jeff?"
"Yeah?"
"You seem like a really nice young man. And for that I hope I never see you again."
Jeff nodded. "Same."
"I was there for two weeks until my grandparents flew down to get me out."
"...Jeff?"
"Yeah?"
"...Who found you? You said your parents were out of town..."
"Nicky did." Jeff said, stone faced.
Sebastian's eyes widened slightly. He couldn't imagine what it must have been like for Nick to find his best friend, the person he cared for most in the entire world, on the floor, bleeding and barley clinging to life. It must have the brunet. "O-oh..."
"I don't know what changed from then to now. I don't know what I did wrong..."
"I'm sure you didn't do anything. Nick's just dealing with some shit right now and maybe he just needs some time by himself."
There was a long silence between the two before Jeff spoke up. "You're hiding something."
Sebastian looked at that blond a little taken back. He wasn't expecting him to say anything off the subject of Nick. "How did you know?"
"When you've been hiding things as long as I have you tend you notice when other people are too."
"You might be wrong." Sebastian said, shrugging slightly.
"Then how did you know something was wrong? And I don't mean the me crying and seeing my arms. You know what I mean. You don't notice how fucked up someone is unless you're just as fucked up."
Sebastian sighed deeply before nodding. "You're right."
"And I figured since I shared with you my secret..."
"You want to hear mine?" Sebastian said, finishing Jeff sentence. Jeff merely nodded. "You're right about me keeping secrets but they aren't the same as yours. I've never tried to kill myself, or even harm myself
in any way...I just...keep things hidden like you do."
"I know. I noticed that you were hiding behind that cocky, ass of a mask since I first met you. You aren't exactly that good at hiding it all the time, you know. I've seen the sadness in your eyes many times."
"Then why didn't you ever say anything to me about it? You know, call me out on it?"
"Because then you'd see the same sadness in mine. I was trying to avoid a conversation like this one."
Sebastian nodded in agreement. "I didn't exactly want to have this either."
"The why did you call me out?" Jeff said, a little confused.
"Honestly, I was afraid you were going to kill yourself. Like I said, we're good friends. I may be an ass and hate most of you guys here but if I ever thought, even for just a second, that one of you were going to serious hurt yourselves or try to end you own life, I would step in and make sure that didn't happen."
Jeff nodded. "So you're actually a genuinely nice guy without your mask on?"
"And you're horribly depressed without yours."
"So what's the rest of your story?" Jeff asked, trying to pull the attention back off of him.
"My story?" Sebastian asked, confused.
"Everyone has a story." Jeff said, shrugging. "Something that made them who they are today."
"I..." Sebastian didn't know what to say so Jeff cut in.
"Just start with the main point. As in where it all started. You can aways fill in the smaller detials later. Obviously your story is like mine and has way too many parts for
just one night anyway."
Sebastian sighed. "You know, this was supposed to be about you and making sure you were alright."
"And now I'm making sure you are. Now, start."
"Fine...I guess the 'main point' is around when my mother died...I was seven."
Jeff's eyes widened. "I-I...I'm so sorry..."
"I wasn't feeling well that day so my mother decided to keep me home from school. ..I had a really bad stomach ache and we didn't have any medicien so my mom went to the pharmacy to get some and...and she never came back..."
"What happened?" Jeff asked, hating himself for doing so.
"While she was at the pharmacy a guy who had just robbed a bank ran in and took everyone in the store as hostages. They were all in there for three hours. In the end only one person ended up coming out alive; the robber...There were seventeen other people in that store...seventeen other people..."
"Seb..." Jeff said, putting his hand on the taller boys shoulder.
"I later found out that the reason I was so sick was because my liver was failing...They ended up giving me hers...She died because of me and then I stole her liver." Sebastian said, coldly. "I killed my mom and then stole from her..."
"Seb, it wasn't your fault. You didn't kill her."
"She wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for me."
"And you wouldn't be here if she was."
"That doesn't matter."
"Yes it does..." Jeff said, feeling absolutely horrible for Sebastian.
"And that's when things started to really fall between my family and I."
"What do you mean?"
"After my mom died my brother really couldn't look at me anymore. I don't think he could stand to."
"H-he blamed you...?"
"He called me a murderer."
"...And what about your father?"
Sebastian laughed bitterly. "The two of us have never been very close...and her death just made it worse."
"And that's why you act like this. So you don't look vulnerable." Jeff said, putting the pieces together.
"No."
"No?"
"I...I'm not good at showing emotion, alright? I'm not a vulnerable person. I don't go around telling crying over every little thing. I stay strong. I carry on!" Sebastian said, starting to sound angry.
There was a long silence for a while. Jeff looked at Sebastian as if he was beginning to see right through Sebastian. "You almost never yell. Why is that?"
"What do you mean?" Sebastian asked, confused. He knew Jeff didn't always make sense, that he usually asked the most random, pointless, questions. But was this really the time?
"You act all tough and like a bad ass but you're never angry. Sure, you get annoyed every once in a while, but you hardly ever sound angry."
"What's your point?"
"The way you act...So cocky and stuck up. It's because of how you were raised. Like how I'm kind to everyone because my parents weren't to me. And I noticed you call your dad 'father' but your mother was 'mom'..."
"You're a lot smarter then you act."
Jeff shrugged. "I know."
"Like I said. I'm not close with my father."
"And why is that?"
"Because he's an ass." Sebastian said, stubbornly.
Jeff chuckled. "I'm guessing that's all I'm going to get out you, huh?" Sebastian nodded. "Well, it's a start."
"Jeff?"
"Yeah?"
"So what are you going to do about Nick?"
Jeff stiffened. Listening to Sebastian talk about his past had made him completely forget about his problems with Nick. "I...I don't know. He...I've done all I can do. It's his choice now whether or not he wants to stay friends."
Sebastian sighed. "And you have no clue why he's doing what he's doing?"
"None at all." Jeff said, shaking his head slightly.
Sebastian frowned. "And I thought you were smart..." He said, more to himself then to the blond.
Jeff frowned. "Well...I think I might know..."
"Really?" Sebastian said, becoming interested. "Why?"
"Because of how I smother him...I don't give him enough space. I...I bother him."
Sebastian gaped. "Seriously? You think that's why?"
(A.N:/ Again, I'm really sorry I haven't updated in a little while! I'll try my best to update soon! The next chapter will actually have Dave and Nick in it. But yeah, some good stuff is coming up! Maybe not next chapter but soon. :] Anyway, thank you SO much for all the nice reviews! I'm so glad that you guys are enjoying the story! Haha I hope you guys got my little Doctor Who reference (the Doctor Tennant thing) :D :D But yeah, I'll try to update soon. XOXO)