Hope

No. No, No and NO! Still inside me a voice whispers "yes" over and over again, and I can't help but agree with it. It's him. Here. Now. What is he doing? Why did he come…?

Tohru's wedding. He must be one of Yuki-kun's relatives, someone they know. My mind cannot admit that this is one of Tohru's schemings to put us together. Maybe she spent weeks looking for him, asking around, embarrassing herself before strangers just to find my crush.

Yet again, my heart tells me it is not a crush, but something deeper, stronger. My hands itch to dive into his hair, my body longs to be pressed against his, and, feverishly, I gaze at his perfection and wish he were mine. But if he ever noticed me, he acts like he didn't. Maybe he forgot me? But my childish behavior that one time we met cannot be forgotten. Or excused. Crying in front of a stranger, acting stupid and possessive; only someone like me can be that much of a klutz.

But just now I caught him glancing at me, and my heart beats ten times faster at the thought.

Pulled towards him like a magnet to a refrigerator, I suddenly can't keep myself under control. My feet, almost disconnected from my will, rush me towards him in fewer steps than I thought possible. Was I flying just now? And all for a man I barely know? Oh, Arisa, is that what have you come to?

And that's when I stop in front of him, and, like a child, gaze longingly into his face. He looks down at me, as if aware of my presence for the first time, but from the twitch in his mouth and the spark in his eyes, I see he's been waiting for me to come up to him.

Suddenly, I'm shy, head lowered, cheeks red with embarrassment. What will I do? What will I say? Everything that comes to mind feels wrong for the occasion, and my awkwardness increases as I search in every corner of my mind for a suitable greeting. Just as 'hello' starts feeling acceptable, he speaks.

"You are Tohru-kun's friend, aren't you."

Tohru's friend? I flush with indignation. Is that all he sees me as? The friend of a relative's bride, a minor character at a small family event. But in his tone I detect much deeper suggestions, and wonder why he won't put them out in the open. Well, two can play this game.

"Yes. Very happy to meet you again." I stress the 'again', putting emphasis on the fact that I am not only Tohru's friend, but also, to a certain extent, his. I helped him pick up his grocery items up, for god's sake! And I blubbered in front of him like a snotty kid. He bought me lunch. He said he would like to see me again. Did he also say he couldn't? Was that a subtle way of saying he didn't want to. Yet now he smiles warmly at me, as if nothing in the past or present can affect these few moments.

"I'm just passing" he says, and that's enough to make my expression droop. What does 'passing' mean? Does it mean he is planning to leave soon? Am I responsible for that departure?

"I'm sorry." he continues. He wouldn't have excused himself if he hadn't wanted to. It isn't a necessary part of conversation. Does that mean there is still hope? My expectations must show on my face clearly, I reflect, and I pull myself together in a mask of indifference. The game is still on, although at least one of the players is already tired of it.

"You should be." Yankee Arisa has returned. Ready to attack.

But she disappears as fast as she came, leaving defenceless Arisa to spill frustrated tears. That's twice now. How many times can a girl cry in front of a guy without getting noticed?

But now he lays a warm hand on my shoulder, and looks at my face apologetically.

"I'm really sorry Arisa. But it can't work out. You see, I promised someone very important that I wouldn't…leave her side. It doesn't mean I don't want to. It means I can't. I have to honour my promises."

Honour isn't important. It never is. Honour ruins people. But even through my feeble excuses, I see the truth. He's right, of course.

"Why? Why did you promise?" I mumble, trying to latch on to any piece of hope I can find.

His expression darkens, grows doubtful, agitated even. But soon, I can only see a mask of sorts, tranquil on the outside.

"It seemed important at the time."

So it doesn't seem important now? Hope has come back. His words tell me more than his face, even though I doubt it was meant to be that way.

And as he leaves the hall, my tears are themselves a mask to hide my blind assurance that it will all turn out fine in the end. A last attempt to bring my swooning heart back to earth.

Up on the podium, Tohru and Yuki-kun kiss.

Will everything really turn out fine?