Scenario 10- ''I'm Dying. ''
Kel fought for almost two decades. She was hailed as one of the best out there, despite the fact that she was a girl. She became the first girl commander of the King's Own, after her beloved friend( and second father), Raoul, retired. The King's Own shined under her leadership.
During that time, she watched her best friend marry a woman he obviously, truly loved, wishing that one day she had a man who would love her like that. Because of that, she became an aunt and a godmother.
She gave her first time away (along with a couple of other things) to try to save a relationship that was doomed from the start. In that relationship, she became somebody she was proud of(and somebody who wasn't like her at all) and did some pretty stupid things because of that. One of those stupid things was have sex with him without a charm. She got pregnant because of that, and found out after she realized the truth of the relationship she was in, after he was gone.
It didn't seem like it at first, but that baby was the best thing that happened to her. She was the most beautiful thing that Kel had ever seen, with her inquisitive hazel eyes( that mirrored Kel's own), her full head of her father's black hair and that trusting gaze that melted Kel's heart. When Kel saw her, she knew that her worries from the past months were pointless and that somehow it was going to be okay. Kel named her after her mother, because of all the never-ending support and wisdom she ever gave Kel.
Despite what Kel thought, she was able to go back into battle. Her best friend's wife agreed to watch little Ilane, along with her other children, while she was gone. And it was at battle sometime, that Kel contracted it.
Battle Fever was the product of healers healing many patients at once. The infection and injuries of the wounded spread to the insides of the healer who was trying to heal it. Sometimes the healer became sick with that disease, but more often the healer was just a carrier and passed it onto the next person he/she healed. The symptoms were felt years later when the disease spread through the bloodstream and internal organs too far and too solid to treat. What followed next was a slow and painful death.
That year, it was a phenomenon that was becoming all too familiar to Tortall and those who fought for her.
Neal, as all those who healed, got tested to see if he was carrying the illness, and tested negative.
But weeks later, Kel started to exhibit some strange symptoms of... something. Frequently, she got a sore throat and headaches. She lost her appetite, and started to lose weight at an alarming rate. The exercises she had exhausted her much more than usual, and after them she found that she could barely move- and even walking, she found that she was gasping for breath. Sometimes she simply woke up exhausted, and often with the bed soaked with sweat. A simple hug from little Ilane left her body severely bruised.
She went to the healer that was assigned to the barracks when the symptoms became overwhelming. He examined her. When he was done, she could see the pained expression on his face, though she pretended not to.
''What is it?'' she asked, her voice calm.
He took a painful intake of breath. ''You have Battle Fever,'' he said, ''I'm sorry. You're dying. You have about a month to live.''
The first thing that Kel thought about when she was told this was her daughter. How she would never be able to see her off when she left to become a page, or when she entered the Chamber to become a knight. How she would never be there when her daughter needed womanly advice. How she wouldn't be there at all. How her daughter, the everlasting light of her life, wouldn't be in her next life to come- how dying meant giving her up.
The second thing she thought about was her family and friends. Dying meant the sacrifice of their presences, too. It meant the loss of Neal's witty comments, her mother's sound advice and hugs, their love... And so, so, so much more. How was she going to tell them?
The third and final thing she thought of was her knighthood. She thought of hard she won her shield and now how she was going to give it up. She thought of how much she loved what she did, despite of how hard and gritty and morbid it could be. She would never do that again. And all those people she could have helped but now never would...
She didn't want this healer to see her break down. She didn't say anything until she felt she could get herself under control, and successfully put on her Yamani mask.
''Okay,'' she said, nodding, ''thank you.''
She saw a look of pity on the healer's face, but the healer said no more. She got up and walked out of the room, feeling the heavy weight of her death to come press upon her.
She let herself wander thoughtlessly, and somehow she found herself knocking on Neal's door. She didn't know what it was that made her go there- she thought she had just wanted to be alone- but somehow she ended up there. Maybe it was something inside of her that remembered how he comforted her when she told him she was pregnant with Ilane, and craved that comfort for this.
When she registered where she was and what she was doing, she swore at least she'd be strong. He'll need it, she told herself. She knew he loved her not only as a best friend but like a second sister, so he'd be crushed when she told him she was dying.
She couldn't even do that. When he opened the door, she found herself sobbing in his arms.
Neal wore an expression of shock and concern, as he held her and silently comforted her. She had only done this once before, when she found out she was pregnant with Ilane.
''What's wrong?'' he asked her, the alarm evident in his voice, ''are you pregnant again?''
''No,'' she said, still sobbing, ''worse.''
The pain inside of her was consuming her, and she could not stop crying.
''What is it?'' he asked, his voice filled with concern laced with fear.
''I'm dying,'' she sobbed, ''I'm dying. I'm dying. I'm dying.''
''What?'' he said, taken aback, ''literally?''
She nodded. ''I have Battle Fever,'' she said, ''the healer only gave me a month.''
Looking back, Neal wished he could have stayed strong, but he didn't.
His face fell and he shook his head. ''No, no, no!'' he exclaimed, ''that can't happen! That...no... There must have been a mistake.''
''I don't think so, Neal,'' she whispered, so low that he could barely hear her, ''I've been feeling…different lately.''
''Yeah, but that doesn't mean you have…'' The word choked on Neal's tongue.
Kel turned away and when he grabbed her hand.
It wasn't hard, or rough. It was gentle, and comforting, and pleading, or at least it was meant to be. But somehow, it produced bruises anyway. Upon seeing it, Neal's blood chilled with fear and horror.
''What…'' he began, his eyes conveying his emotions.
Kel returned him a look filled with more fear than his.
And then she asked him the same question she asked him when she last came to him for help.
''What should I do?''
Her voice was even more helpless than the last time.
They checked her a second time, and once again they found it was Battle Fever. The realization of this had already sunk in for Kel, so it only stung a bit when she was told for the second time that she had Battle Fever.
But for Neal it was devastating. It was his last hope crashing in, and the stark realization that his days with Kel were numbered. He had never thought it could happen- to them, she was always invincible to that kind of thing. He looked for something that could let him keep up his denial and he found nothing.
He could barely watch her resign from her post, and then the look on her face... The moment in time where she took off her mask, even if it was only for less than a second, her face was so filled with pain that it broke the already-shattered pieces of his heart.
He went with her to Mindelan. She asked him to tell her parents if she couldn't, and try to help her so that she could. She asked him how she could tell her other friends, and her daughter, and Raoul. And she asked him if she was asking too much, and she told him that he didn't have to do those things if he couldn't.
He didn't know how to speak it aloud, because he could barely even think it. He didn't know how to tell their other friends- there wasn't a way that could diminish its horribleness, or their friends' reaction to it.
He wrote to Yuki, and told her to bring Ilane and their children to Mindelan as soon as he could. Knowing about the Yamani way of not portraying emotion, he made sure not to let any of the tears in his eyes fall on the letter.
By the time they reached Mindelan, Kel's Battle Fever was obvious. She woke up in the middle of nights with hacking coughs of blood. Her skin were pale and her eyes showed heavy purple bruises. Watching her wither in front of his eyes frightened him and saddened him, and it pushed him to Mindelan even more.
She didn't cry anymore after she told him. She didn't cry when she told her parents, just looked incredibly sad. She didn't cry when she woke up in the middle of the nights coughing blood and vomiting so hard her body shook, just grimaced in pain so anguished it wrung Neal's heart.
Kel could see the pain she was causing to Neal and her parents, and it hurt her even more than the Battle Fever did. It was the motivation that made her fight it.
When Yuki and the children came, she didn't know if she could handle telling both her godschildren and daughter, and still stay strong So it was Neal who told them that Kel was dying.
Kel tried to tell her daughter as nicely as possible. But there was no nice way to break that kind of news. Kel tried to make the conversation normal- what had happened at Yuki's while she was gone, what pagehood, squirehood and knighthood was like (Ilane was considering becoming one), among other things. And then…
''You look pale, Mama, and tired,'' she said, her brown-hazel concerned, ''are you all right?''
Kel felt nervousness and sadness wrack her. She barely could keep up her demeanor, and since saying something would break it, she said nothing.
''You should really go to a healer,'' she said, giving her a second look.
Never was keeping up her Yamani mask as hard as when she finally confessed her disease.
''I did,'' she began.
''Your body resists to the healings now?'' Ilane asked, her face now also filling with sympathy.
''Yes,'' she hedged, ''but...''
''What?'' Ilane asked, seeing the apprehension on her mother's face.
''The healer's couldn't heal this, on anybody, not just me,'' she whispered, her voice a sad whisper.
Ilane's face scrunched up in worry and confusion. She opened her mouth to say something but Kel shook her head.
''I have Battle Fever,'' she said, ''and a month to live.''
''What?'' Ilane whispered, a panicked look setting on her face, ''no. How?''
''You know how, honey,'' she said, ''I was a knight. I got hit at battle and I was healed and...''
''No!'' Ilane's anguished screech cut her off.
''No! No! NO!'' Each time she repeated it, it got louder and more anguished.
With each ''No!'' the reality started to set in, slowly, agonizingly and excruciatingly.
And then she screamed a scream so loud and penetrating that it could be heard throughout the entire household, piercing through Kel's heart.
Somehow, somehow, she found a way to tell everybody else. She made it sound like it was just another visit though it wasn't.
Telling Raoul was one of the harder ones. She was talking and smiling when one of her fits hit her. Her body shook, her nose bled and she couldn't help hacking up a bucketful of blood.
Neal got to her immediately with the bucket, and patted her back as she coughed and the older Ilane hurriedly got her granddaughter out of the room before she could see Kel in such a state. Kel grimaced when she was done, and Yuki gave Kel a towel with a Yamani- mask expression.
''You should go to the healers, Kel,'' Raoul said, his eyes wide with shock and worry. The suspicion of what he had shone in his eyes and with it was a hope that he was wrong.
That was how Kel was forced to tell Raoul, in a similar fashion that she had to tell her daughter. He reacted similarly as she did.
Slowly, Kel's friends and family watched her waste away. They tried to spend every minute with her as they could. Kel tried, too, ignoring the drowsiness and pain that made her body feel like she was made out of lead.
They tried to stay strong, too, for her. Sometimes Kel could hear them sob before or after they came in, outside her room, and every time she heard it a piece of her heart died. It wasn't the disease that got to her but how the effects of it hurt those she loved.
Little Ilane was curious about pagehood and knighthood, and asked many questions, of which Kel answered with a smile.
She asked about other things to- about love, about growing up, about friendship, about kindness and knowing what the right thing to do was.
''Follow your heart, Ilane,'' Kel answered, during one especially heavy day of questioning, ''always follow your heart, and don't let anyone convince you not to. Unless, of course, your heart or being might be in jeopardy because of that. Then follow your head.
''And if your brain and heart are too hard to read- which happens- ask your grandmother for advice.''
Ilane nodded and tried not to cry, trying to absorb those words for when her mother wouldn't be around to give them.
One morning, about two months after her diagnosis, Kel didn't have the strength to get out of bed, and never would again. Four months after that, she would mostly lose the strength to talk too, and could barely utter a few words per day.
Each time the reality of Kel's imminent death became more and more real. Its press upon them was suffocating, and each time it caused an abundance of tears to be shed.
It was those tears that made Kel go past the month mark she was supposed to, fight to stay among them and postpone the day when the reality would crush them most of all. She wouldn't go down without a fight, they would all say later, that lady knight never did go down without a fight.
But as the time came closer and closer, it became clearer that there was something stronger than Kel after all(despite what her old page friends used to think). She was almost a living corpse, and the state she was reduced to was heart-wrenching. Pain wracked her so hard and so completely that she would have wished for death, if not for the pain that would cause her loved ones.
The state of her got so bad that some of her family argued to let her die.
''She's too good of a person to be put through this,'' one side, among them Piers, Kel's siblings, Yuki and Tobe.
''She still has a few months to go. She can't go yet,'' the other side, among them Neal, Ilane Senior, Ilane Junior, Raoul and Kel's old page friends.
Sometimes Ilane and Piers fought violently, forgetting that Kel was right across the hall. Their words, and the fact that she was the cause of it, tore Kel apart.
So she fought for another month. By the time that month was over, it was a struggle for her just to breathe. By that time, Raoul, Ilane Senior and all of Kel's page friends except for Owen, now believed that Kel should be allowed to die.
Neal and Ilane Junior were the only ones at that point who still couldn't let Kel go.
''Hold on for me, Kel,'' Neal would whisper to her. That was enough for her to hold on.
The older Ilane worked with the younger Ilane in an attempt for her to change her mind. As the younger Ilane saw the points that her grandmother made about her mother, she agreed and told Kel, sobbing, that she could die.
It was only Neal that wouldn't go.
''Neal, you shouldn't put her through this,'' Owen told him, ''it's wrong, and it's selfish. She doesn't deserve this much pain- she deserves to be happy and in peace in the Peaceful Realms. I know it's hard Neal but let her go.''
It was one night, when Kel was sleeping, Neal changed his mind. He could hear her breathe deep, shaky, forced breaths. When came closer to her he could see the purple-black rings under her eyes, the paleness of her skin, the expression of pure pain on her features even as she was sleeping.
The woman sleeping was not the Kel he grew up with-the Kel who turned a blank Yamani mask at the cruel jokes thrown at her, the Kel who defeated the Nothing Man, the Kel who fought with pure skill and strength. She was a broken shell of a beautiful woman, a pained and forced existence. And it finally sunk in that she was going to die, there was no way in getting her back, and that she was only pain now.
He went out of the room she was in, and sobbed all of the tears that he had.
The next night he went in and told her he could go.
She forced a sad smile. ''I'm sorry, Neal.''
''You shouldn't be, it's not your fault,'' he whispered, his voice shaky from sadness.
Her sad smile increased.
Somehow, a tear escaped his eye( even though he thought he cried them all). Despite the effort it took, she found the strength to wipe it off.
''Goodbye, Neal,'' she whispered.
''Goodbye, Kel.''
And for the last time, he hugged her as hard as he could. Then he left the room.
The next morning, when he went up to check on her, she did not greet him as she usually did. Her eyes were closed, and she did not move when he shook her.
Sad, sad fic, even for me. Kel's my favorite character.... never will write a fic like this again. In terms of writing, I do not think I was long enough and that its forced condensement ruined it. For those of you who care, Battle Fever is a combination of leukemia and AIDS.