A/N: Sorry for the delay. I just finished an essay I've been working on for a year and a half now, so that's been taking up my time. This chapter is depressing, but it's basically a present from me to you, a little celebration of the fact that essay is finally out of my life…at least until March. :)

Just one note on this chapter: I'm not a doctor, so any medical talk is all logical assumption. Just go with it, if you don't mind. Oh, and break lines don't seem to like me anymore, so I've replaced them with -x-. Read and review, please.

Nine: March 29th, 2006; Tree Hill, North Carolina

"I miss you."

Haley laughed on the other end of the line. "Nathan, you saw me like, six hours ago."

He grinned to himself. "Yeah, I know…but I miss you anyway. How's our boy?"

"Jamie's great," she gushed. "Today, he –"

A sudden beep rang into Nathan's ear, interrupting his wife. "Damn, Hales, I have another call. Hold on a second, okay?"

"Sure," she agreed.

"Scott," he answered on the other line.

"Hi. It's me…Peyton."

"Sawyer," he chuckled. "I've known you forever – I think I have a pretty good idea of what your voice sounds like by now. What can I do for you?"

He could hear her take a shuddering breath. "Can you come pick me up?" she whispered.

Nathan frowned as he passed a particularly slow truck. "Peyton…what's going on?"

Peyton clutched the payphone she was using with both hands, trying not to let a sob spill from her lips. She couldn't break down, not yet. "Please, Nathan?"

"Okay. Of course. I'm in the car already…just tell me where you are, okay?"

Peyton paused before quietly informing him, "I'm at the hospital."

Nathan almost rear-ended the car in front of him. "What happened?" he demanded, his voice deepening with seriousness. "Are you okay? Are –"

"Nate," she interrupted him, a couple tears creeping down her cheeks. "I'm…I just want to get out of here."

"I'll be there as soon as I can," he promised.

"Thank you," she breathed.

Nathan switched back to Haley. "Hales?"

"Hey!" she said happily. "I was starting to think you'd forgotten about me. Was that your other wife or something?"

He clamped the phone between his ear and his shoulder and swerved into a spectacularly illegal u-turn. "That was Peyton," he told Haley without preamble. "She's at the hospital."

"Oh my God," she gasped, her voice free of the laughter it had held just seconds ago. "What happened?"

"I don't know," he replied, unable to keep his voice from shaking a bit, "but she said she wanted me to pick her up so that's good, right? If they're letting her go home?"

"I…I don't know. I hope so. Where's Luke, still in New York?" she asked, beginning to pace their kitchen as she ran a hand through her hair.

"Yeah, I think."

"Bring her over here then, okay?" She gulped, glancing over at Jamie, who was happily babbling to himself in his playpen. "Nathan, what –"

"It's gonna be alright," Nathan insisted as he turned into the hospital parking lot, determined to stay clam.

"Take care of her," Haley sighed. "I wish I could be there." She paused. "I love you."

"You too," he replied as he double-parked messily. "I'll see you soon."

Nathan was in a panic as he stumbled out of the car. Peyton was, for all intents and purposes, his sister, if he chose to ignore the fact that he'd once had a relationship with her. He'd known her for all of his life, and since Lucas was his brother, she would soon be his sister-in-law. No matter how many times she and Lucas insisted that they weren't engaged yet, she was wearing the damn ring on her finger, and that was good enough for Nathan.

He was going at full speed, but he didn't even make it through the doors of the ER. Peyton came out to meet him instead.

She watched as Nathan sighed in relief when she walked toward him. She knew that, other than her puffy eyes, she looked fine.

"Hey," he said gently, smiling at her, though he was still bewildered. He opened his arms, waiting for her to dive into them.

But she didn't. She couldn't touch him. Right now she felt empty, but she didn't mind it much; she wasn't ready to let herself feel yet, so she kept a good two feet of space between them.

Nathan lowered his arms, studying her worriedly. "Peyt…what happened?"

She crossed her arms, hugging herself. "Can you please just take me home?" she whispered, her voice cracking.

"I need you to talk to me," he said desperately. "Is –"

"Nathan," she begged, cutting him off as she let her eyes plead with him.

"Okay. Okay, come on."

She huddled against the door of the car as he drove, glancing over at her every other second. Her eyes looked positively haunted, and Nathan could feel fear building in the pit of his stomach. "Sawyer…you're scaring me. Please say something."

Peyton shook her head, stubbornly pressing her lips together until they turned white. Finally, she said, "I just want to go home."

"I know," he said softly. "Let me take you back to our place, okay? Haley will take care of you."

His words were so tender and careful that she wanted to scream. She shook her head violently instead. "No. Please. I just want to go home."

And then the damn burst. She didn't scream or sob, but tears slipped out of her eyes and fell down her cheeks, splattering onto her jeans.

"Peyt…" Nathan said as she buried her face in her hands.

As he pulled the car over to the side of the road, she finally stopped feeling numb, and started to cry in earnest. She felt Nathan's hand land on one of her shaking shoulders.

"I know," he said as soothingly as he could, reaching up to stroke her hair. He did know. There was only one explanation for this, and it broke his heart.

She voiced the conclusion he'd some to painfully anyway, choking it out. "I lost the baby."

"I know," he repeated, his heart aching for her as he gently ran his hand up and down her arm comfortingly. "Did you call Lucas?"

Peyton shook her head, struggling to breathe. "W-what am I supposed to say to him?" she gasped out. "I lost our baby."

Nathan was not any kind of medical expert, but he knew three things. The first was that Peyton was starting to hyperventilate. "I need you to breathe, okay, Sawyer?" He wished he had a paper back on hand. "Deep into your lungs. Okay?" She took in a couple gulps of air, so he forged on to the next fact he knew: you didn't just walk into a hospital, find out you'd miscarried, and walk out again a few minutes later. "Hey. What happened? How long were you there?"

She shrugged, her whole boy trembling. "I collapsed at work when I got there. I've been at the hospital since then."

"Peyt…why didn't you call me earlier?"

"It didn't feel real," she whispered. "I didn't want it to be real."

"Of course," Nathan agreed understandingly, before he moved on to the last thing he felt that he had to tell her. "It's not your fault." When she didn't reply, he said, "You know that…right?"

She was crying too hard to answer him, but that was alright. He wouldn't have liked her answer, anyway.

"Okay," Nathan sighed, wishing that Lucas was in town. His brother was good at this stuff, comfort and caring and connecting with Peyton. "Let me take you back to our place, okay?"

"Nathan…I…"

"Come on, Sawyer. Haley will take good care of you."

Her tears took over her body, bursting out of her in harsh, violent sobs. She couldn't gather the strength to agree with him.

Nathan, at a loss, wrapped an arm around her and tugged her toward him gently. She crawled over the gearshift and the cup holders, the console meant to hold loose change and sunglasses and who know what else, to huddle onto his seat next to him, leaning against him and letting him support her weight.

"It's okay," he whispered, but he knew that it wasn't.

-x-

"Hey!" Haley cried, hurrying over to the door the second it opened.

Peyton walked in first, looking practically traumatized, and Nathan was close behind her.

"Peyton?" Haley asked quietly.

Right on cue, Jamie started to wail in the next room, and Peyton's chin began to quiver as her ears picked up a sound she'd just lost out on. She took two steps forward and threw her arms around her friend, holding on tightly.

Haley hugged her back reassuringly, searching her husband's eyes for confirmation of her worst fear…and she found it. She gasped, her eyes filling up as she rubbed Peyton's back. "Oh, sweetie…come on, honey, let's go sit down. Nathan'll take care of Jamie."

"Haley, I-I don't know…what to do," Peyton said plaintively, feeling completely lost. The day had been a whirlwind of horrors, lightheadedness and blood and doctors and grief counselors and words that she did not want to dear.

"Okay. Okay." In all honestly, Haley didn't have a clue as to what to do, either. "Do you want to lie down?" she asked as she spotted the deep, dark circles under Peyton's eyes.

"The doctor gave me something to help me sleep…"

"Okay, good. You go lie down in the guest bedroom, and I'll bring you some water, alright?"

Peyton nodded before she shuffled off miserably. Nathan re-entered the room when she left, Jamie in his arms, and Haley looked deep into his eyes, seeing all the sadness and seriousness she felt reflected back at her. "I can't imagine…" she whispered.

Nathan nodded, his expression somber. "You be with her. I'll call Luke."

She closed her eyes for a moment. "Thank you, babe." She knew that she wasn't strong enough to break the news to Lucas, who was so exciting about his impending fatherhood.

Haley filled a glass with water, throwing in a few ice cubes and a stripped bendy straw before she snapped back to reality and shook her head at herself. Ice and cute straws were not going to solve Peyton's problems.

Peyton was lying on top of the covers on the bed in the neutrally decorated gust room, staring intently at the ceiling. Her heart was thumping in her chest, the beat echoing through her pulse points.

"Hey, honey," Haley said, perching on the edge of the bed. "I brought you your water."

Peyton flattened both her hands against her abdomen, but didn't take her eyes off the ceiling. "I didn't really want it, you know? I was only nineteen when I found out, and it was so terrifying. I watch you with Jamie and you just do everything right. I don't know how to be a mom. But Lucas was just so happy…and all of a sudden it seemed like the best thing possible. Luke and I were having a baby. God, Haley, I didn't even know it was a boy or girl…but I loved him or her so much anyway." She squeezed her eyes shut before she finally looked at her friend.

"Oh, Peyton…" Haley breathed mournfully. "I wish so much that…"

Peyton tried to smile at her, but her lips wouldn't move. They were tingling with the memory of how Lucas had kissed her when she first told him that they were going to have a child.

Haley placed the glass of water in Peyton's hands, propping up the pillows behind her back so that she could sit up straight. "You take your pill and go to sleep, okay? Just allow yourself to breathe for a little bit. I will be right here when you wake up." She shook her head, her heart in her throat. "I'm so sorry, hon."

"I know," Peyton sighed, sitting up and swallowing the pill. She laid back down and closed her eyes again. "Me too."

-x-

Lucas pulled his vibrating cell phone out of his pocket discreetly and checked the caller ID. He smiled when he saw that it was his brother and politely excused himself from the meeting.

"Nate, hey, I'm glad you called. Everything's okay at home, right?" He'd had an uneasy feeling all day that he couldn't shake, something disorienting and disturbing.

Nathan could tell just by his brother's casual tone that he expected lazy reassurances that of course everything was okay at home. His throat constricted for a moment as he remembered that he could not give Luke what he wanted. "I'm sorry, but…no. Listen, Lucas…it's Peyton."

Lucas stopped breathing momentarily, gripping his phone tightly. "What is it? Is she okay? Is the baby okay?" The words shot out of his mouth at top speed.

"You should come home," Nathan said with a heavy sigh.

"Do not do this to me; I can't worry about it all the way home."

"Luke…"

Lucas could hear tears in Nathan's voice and it terrified him. "Please, little brother," he said thickly, realizing that it was bad, really bad.

Nathan took a deep breath, hating that he had to do this, hating that it had ever happened. "Luke…God…She lost the lost the baby. I'm sorry; God, I'm sorry."

Lucas could practically feel his heart breaking cleanly in two as he collapsed backwards into a chair. Tears clouded his vision. His mind was in overdrive, but he couldn't form a coherent thought. "Is…is Peyton okay?" he asked breathlessly.

"I…I don't know. Lucas, I'm sorry, and I know that you must be hurting like hell right now…but you need to come home, man."

"Yeah. Yes. As soon as I can, I'll be there."

His hands were shaking so much that he needed to try twice to press the button which would end the call.

"Luke!" Peter Bergs, one of the junior editors at the publishing house, poked his head out of the conference room. "We need ya back in here."

Lucas stayed stationary, too stunned to say anything.

"Luke? You okay there, dude?" Peter asked, taking a couple steps toward him and trying to catch his eye.

He swallowed hard, choking on the words that he needed to say. "My fiancée lost our baby," he said brokenly, and the words tasted vile in his mouth.

Peter blinked several times, shocked into silence. "Uh…whoa. Wow. I'm…I'll tell them you're leaving. Lucas…I'm really sorry."

"Yeah," he sighed, running a weary hand over his eyes, which ached with unshed tears, "Me too."

-x-

Lucas was sitting next to the bed, both of his hands gently closed around his fiancée's disturbingly chilly fingers. She'd probably wake up soon, Haley had told him sadly. She offered to be there and to speak with Peyton when she awoke, but Lucas had turned her down. He had to be there, had to talk with her before anyone else. He'd already missed enough of this life-shattering day.

"Luke?" Peyton murmured drowsily, her hand moving within his.

He struggled to maintain his composure. He wanted to smile reassuringly as he responded, "Hey, honey," but he just couldn't.

Her eyes were both hazy and frantic. "Why am I here?"

Lucas answered her specific demand rather than the broader question. "You're at Haley's. You're okay."

Peyton blinked rapidly, and Lucas steeled himself for another inquiry, trying to ignore the pressure of the tears building in his eyes. What if she didn't remember? He couldn't say it, he couldn't. How the hell was he supposed to tell the woman he loved that their beloved, unborn baby was gone?

"I thought it was a dream," she whispered.

He was consumed by relief, and overpowering that, anguish. He reached out, gently brushing her hair out of her face. "Peyt," he said mournfully, at a complete loss for words.

She stared at the ceiling. It felt like her heart was literally aching. "When my mom died, it hurt so much sometimes that I couldn't breathe. When Ellie died, I got headaches all the time because I was trying to hard not to cry, to be strong for her. It all felt like a dream, like none of it was really possible." She paused. "This is different, though. This is worse than any of that, this isn't how it is supposed to be. Children are supposed to outlive their parents. Our baby…I could see it all, in my head, all of those milestones and those moments that were supposed to have. This isn't like a dream, Lucas, it's a nightmare, and I can't…I just…" She finally looked at him, her eyes begging him to make it all go away. "I have to wake up from this," she choked out, her voice cracking as she began to sob.

Lucas' heart broke. He climbed onto the bed with Peyton, pulling her into a tight hug as she wept. Tears slipped down his cheeks as he kissed her temple, murmuring, "I know, baby. I know. You have no idea how badly I wish I could change this."

Brooke, who'd arrived sometime before Lucas had to discover a weepy Haley, stunned Nathan, and restlessly sleeping Peyton, leaned against the doorframe in the doorway of the room, watching them sadly. She hated it when people told her that they knew how she felt, so she would never say those words aloud to her friends, but she had the smallest sense of what their pain had to feel like.

She wanted to be a mom. She watched Haley completely light up every time something vaguely related to her son was mentioned. She'd felt the pure joy that Luke and Peyton had radiating off of them prior to this moment, when it had all been taken away. She knew what it was like to be motherless…and she felt that since she'd never had the chance to be the daughter in a mother-daughter relationship, she'd have to take on the other role.

It had seemed so simple to her, one afternoon in Peyton's living room about a week after she'd announced her pregnancy, holding up bags of newly purchased maternity wear for her friend. This could be such a good thing. It was simple, wasn't it? All she needed was a male contribution, and it wasn't exactly as though a sperm bank was hard to find. She'd been on cloud nine, giddily contemplating asking one of the Clothes over Bro's male models for a…favour, thinking about how great it was that she, Peyton, and Haley would have kids around the same age, who could grow up together like they had with one another, playing around with the idea of a Clothes over Bro's maternity line. And then she thought about having a child, and having someone depend on her, and it filled her heart up.

She'd thought of it all in such simple, untouchable terms that dream so simple and fulfilling was snatched from her friends in a split second of pain, she felt her own heart break as well. She knew what that maternal desire was like. Losing a child would tear her apart. And then there was her best friend, who'd endured more than she ever should have had to…and now this. This. She couldn't even fathom Peyton's pain.

-x-

Nearly two hours later, Peyton had passed out once again, emotionally exhausted, and Lucas was sitting on Nathan and Haley's back steps, his head in his hands. He felt Brooke's presence beside him, caught her tucking her skirt underneath her as she sat out of the corner of his eye. She didn't say a word, simply placed a hand on his arm and squeezed lightly.

They stayed like that, in silence, for several moments before Lucas lifted his head. He didn't even try to disguise the fact that he'd been crying.

Brooke wrapped an arm around him, letting him lean into her. "It's hard," she said softly. "I know."

He let his eyes fall shut. "I was going to be a dad."

"I know," she repeated softly. "That's not over. You and Peyton can try again, and actually plan for your next child. I know that this hurts. This will always hurt. But you can get back from this, Lucas, you can still be the awesome father I've always known that you'd be."

He nodded. He knew all of that, it was just that this loss was like a knife in his chest. The memory of the day Peyton told him she was pregnant was burned into his brain forever, the sheer joy he'd felt mounting within him as he searched her apprehensive face to make sure that she wasn't playing some kind of crazy joke. He had been so happy. Now, he'd carry this day with him forever, too, with vastly different emotions attached to it. "I should've been here," he said, his voice rough and raw. "She shouldn't have had to have gone through all that alone."

"Oh, Luke," Brooke said sadly, hating that he'd even begin to blame himself. "Don't do that. There was no way anyone could have seen this coming. You planned all your trips early in her pregnancy so that you could be there for her later. You did things right."

He choked on a sob that he refused to let escape. "She shouldn't have been alone all day, no matter what. She shouldn't have been so stubborn, she should've called you or Haley or my mom…someone should have been with her."

Brooke pressed her lips together, unsure if she was even equipped to deal with her ex-boyfriend's grief. "We're not going to play the blame game. Nothing is anyone's fault. Yeah, we all wish we could have been there for her, but she was in shock, Luke. She didn't want to believe it, and you can't blame her for that. She was so excited about being a mom."

His throat constricted painfully. "Yeah."

"You need to hold on to one another, okay? I know that you two will be alright, but you need to deal with it all together. You're Lucas and Peyton. You can get through anything. But you also need to know that we are all here for you. Forever."

Lucas sighed, letting her support a bit more of his weight, but making sure to hold back so as not to crush her. "Thank you."

"We love you, Luke. And one day you're going to have those beautiful, blonde babies, I know it. You'll never forget this baby, but you will love those kids with all your heart and that's what's going to count. You'll get there. I really do know it."

-x-

Haley and Brooke were sitting at the foot of the bed, talking quietly, when Peyton awoke for the second time. "Hey," she murmured, her voice gravelly.

"Hey, honey," they said at the same time, their voices soft and gentle.

"I made you soup," Haley said, attempting a smile.

"Not hungry," Peyton replied as she sat up, shaking her head.

"Don't give me that," Haley scolded kindly, her motherly instincts coming into play. "I called your doctor, who told me that you begged her to let you go home today instead of staying overnight at the hospital so they could keep an eye on you. So you better let me take care of you, okay?" She placed a tray on Peyton's lap and arranged her meal on it. "Eat up. Let's get you strong again."

Peyton felt as though she couldn't really breathe in. She felt Brooke's hand press against her forehead before she pushed the curls out of Peyton's face, resting her hand on her friend's cheek for a moment. "How're you doing?"

She shrugged, trying not to crack. "It's not the end of the world," she muttered.

Brooke's gaze was contemplative and worried. "But it feels like it, right?" she asked softly.

Peyton blinked quickly a few times, staring down into her soup. "Yeah," she whispered.

Haley's hand closed gently over Peyton's. "Can you talk to us?" she requested, her voice just as quiet as Brooke's had been.

She shrugged; suddenly she was shivering uncontrollably. "We were going to be parents. We were going to get married."

"Hey," Brooke said, reaching over to grab an extra blanket and wrapping it around Peyton's shoulders snugly. She placed a hand under Peyton's chin, forcing her head up so that their eyes met. "You're still getting married. And you'll still be parents."

Peyton's endless bank of tears proved once again to be bottomless as she started to cry yet again. "Nothing's the same now."

"Yeah, it is," Haley insisted, rubbing Peyton's arm lightly in an attempt to warm her up. "Listen to me. We still love you. Lucas still loves you so much. You're still going to make the most beautiful bride ever. You're still going to be an amazing mom." She shrugged. "Those things just might happen a little later than you'd thought before. And that's okay. I know that you're so hurt, and I know that I can't do anything to make it better…but this isn't the end of what you were going to have. You know that, right? That future is still yours."

A couple of her tears dripped into her soup. She felt responsible. She felt like she'd lost both her baby and her fiancé, and as though it were her own fault. She wanted to go back to three nights ago, when her room was filled with candles and Lucas had gently pushed her shirt up, giving her the warmest of smiles, placing soft kisses on her belly. She wanted that back so bad.

Looking at the food in front of her, she felt nauseous, and that brought a fresh batch of tears to her eyes. Morning sickness had proved to her that feeling like crap at five am wasn't all that bad when something…someone…was worth it. She wondered if she'd have an emotional breakdown every time she puked now. "I can't eat this, Hales," she whispered, pushing it away.

Brooke and Haley exchanged a worried look, aware that Peyton had noticed this but too busy attempting to communicate with their eyes to cover it up. Neither of them knew quite what to do.

"I'm gonna be fine," Peyton said. She tried to sound confident, but failed miserably.

Haley looked at her, her eyes shining with seriousness. "Yes," she said firmly. "You are."

BREAK!

Lucas joined her in the bed of the guest room later that evening, just as the sun was disappearing from the sky. He'd lost track of time, and only realized that night was approaching when it started to get dark. He didn't bother to turn on any lights in the room, simply crawled into bed with Peyton and pulled her close, kissing her cheek.

That gesture was all it took to get her crying again, and she shook in his arms as he tried to comfort her. He kissed her cheeks, her hair, her forehead, murmured nonsensically soothing words low in her ear, rubbed her back, hugged her tighter…everything he could do to try and help her feel better.

When she kissed him, her lips were rough and demanding against his, but she wasn't giving orders. It was a plea, one that stemmed from desperation to forget. He tried to pull away, tried to get her to talk to him, but she wouldn't have any of it. She crawled on top of him, settling her body seamlessly into his and kissed him passionately, taking breaks only to gasp for breath. "Please, Luke," she murmured tearfully and she pressed her lips to the side of his mouth, and he was powerless after that.

He tugged her sweatshirt off roughly, and she whimpered into the kiss when their lips met again. His hands curled around her hips, fingers digging into her skin, as she reached between them to unzip and unbutton his jeans, her hands pushing impatiently at the waist of them. When he didn't loosen his grip on her, she rocked her hips against his instead.

Lucas groaned, his grief fading away at the same rate the tears were drying on her cheeks. "Mm, God, Peyt," he murmured into her hair as she pressed kisses to his chest through the thin fabric of his t-shirt, her breath hot against his skin even through the material. He hooked his fingers into the waist of her pyjama pants, a borrowed pair of Haley's or Brooke's, and that was when she fell apart.

He felt her tears soaking through his shirt even though she hadn't quit her ministrations for a second. "Peyton," he said quietly, slipping a hand into her hair, and her body caved against his, her face buried in his shirt.

"I'm sorry," she wept. She wasn't hysterical, there was no screaming or sobbing, rather she cried quietly, heart-wrenching tears. "I'm so, so sorry…Lucas, God, I'm sorry."

Tears gathered in his eyes as well as he gently forced her head up so that she had to look him in the eye. "Don't say that. You have nothing to be sorry for."

A maverick sob escaped her lips as he applied light pressure to her head with the hand that was still in her hair, forcing her toward him until her forehead was resting against his.

"We'll be okay," he promised her, and she dropped her head to the crook of his neck.

"I wish I could believe you," she whispered, because it really did feel like this was the loss that would finally break her.