Robbie stared over the railings into the pitch black water below, trying to focus on the problem at hand, and he couldn't, all he could do was panic. A baby, the one thing that was guaranteed to screw up everything he and Jackie had, soon it would be no sleep, no sex and a pile of dirty nappies. That would then be followed by the inevitable rows while he tried and failed to be a good dad. He certainly hadn't accomplished that with Jamie and it wasn't like he'd really changed any, a kid was a responsibility too far for him, he couldn't do it.
Running his hands through his hair, he rested his elbows on the railings. He still shouldn't have walked out though, he knew that, but he hadn't been able to sit there, he'd felt as though the walls were closing in on him, like he couldn't breath. Because despite his terror and despite the fact he knew he'd fail and he knew he'd be crap at this he did have to go back and face her, he had no choice, he couldn't just stand here forever.
Sifting through his pockets he pulled out the packet of cigarettes he still had in his pocket and lit one, inhaling deeply as he dropped the orange smouldering ash onto the ground. After a few draws he started to feel the tension ebb ever so slightly. Another cigarette and he'd began to convince himself that that stupid test was wrong, it could easily be a false alarm, seriously how accurate could a stupid stick be?
Dropping the remainder of his fag, he crushed it under the sole of his shoe. Jackie was in her forties, women in their forties didn't just fall pregnant at the drop of a hat, even he knew that. This had been a mistake, a hellish nightmare of a mistake but one nonetheless, he was sure of it.
Digging out his car keys, he moved back towards his vehicle with new purpose, he'd fix things with Jackie and then they'd sort the rest of this mess out later.
Eventually after listening to Robbie's car roar off down the street, Jackie had eventually moved from her seat on the sofa, getting shakily to her feet. The damn test was promptly binned and she crawled into her bed, waiting for sleep that never came.
Shifting restlessly onto her side, she stared blankly at the wall in front of her, she couldn't believe this had happened. If she could have she would have laughed at the irony, all the times they'd spent being careful after that was on par with locking the stable doors after the horse had bolted.
Her hand moved almost hesitantly to her stomach, coming to eventually rest on the firm curve, she didn't know how she felt about this, scared definitely, although she didn't think she was anywhere near as petrified as Robbie very obviously was. In a way she could understand it, because in that moment when they'd stared at that result she'd half wanted to run away herself.
In the deafening silence, she heard a key turn in her front door and she wasn't sure if the fact Robbie had came back should relax or petrify her. His footfall seemed heavy against the hall carpet, and she stayed completely still, refusing to turn when she heard him push open her bedroom door. The first move should be his.
She heard him kick off his shoes, felt the bed dip as he climbed under the covers in just his t-shirt and boxers, his body curving against her back. He reeked of cigarette smoke as he wrapped his arm over her, hand splaying out against her ribcage and she was sure that he was being careful not to touch her stomach. He kissed her shoulder, breathing out softly, "Jackie…"
"What?" she returned equally quietly.
"I shouldn't have left like that," he admitted heavily, "it was wrong and I'm sorry."
"I get it, it was a shock." She squeezed his hand. "Anyway you're here now."
He nodded. "Figured it was best we sorted this out together."
She stiffened. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that this had obviously been a mistake, that test can't be right," he told her, his voice filled with the conviction that he was right.
"I think they're meant to be pretty accurate nowadays," she replied carefully.
"Nothing's a hundred percent."
"So what are you suggesting?"
"Nothing really, just that we should wait until we've been to the doctor's before we start panicking about what to do next, there might not be a problem to solve."
Jackie felt her heart sink, he was in denial, had convinced himself that this wasn't going to be a problem, that in a few days everything would just go back to normal. "Robbie…" she sighed softly. "I don't think that by ignoring this it's just going to go away."
His lips moved to the back of her neck. "Not ignoring it, just waiting until we know the full situation."
After a moment's hesitation she nodded. "Suppose it won't do any harm," she finally replied as she told herself that maybe all he needed was some time to get his head around what had happened.
"Exactly," he concluded triumphantly. His head pressed against her shoulder, arms tightening around her as he pulled her closer. "You should try and get some sleep," he told her.
She nodded and shut her eyes although she knew she couldn't possibly sleep. Robbie it seemed didn't have that problem, he was asleep within minutes, it would appear as though denial really wasn't just a river in Egypt, she mused to herself.
"What time's your appointment?" Robbie asked casually as he straightened his cufflinks.
"Half eleven. Have you decided how you're going to slip away yet?" she asked, watching him warily. She'd managed to get an appointment on one of her off duty days but that meant that he'd have to give some excuse to be there with her.
"Just gonna say I've got the dentist." He leaned forward and kissed her cheek. "I'll be there, don't worry and we'll get everything sorted out, you'll see," he told her confidently before strolling out the door.
"Ok, just roll up your top and unbutton your trousers," the ultrasound technician told Jackie cheerfully. "So what we're going to do today is known as a dating scan which will determine how far along you are and your probable due date."
"Ok," Jackie replied, settling against the firm back of the bed, trying to ignore the fact that Robbie was beginning to look more and more uncomfortable. As the cold gel hit the gentle curve of her stomach she jumped slightly.
"Sorry, the gel is freezing," the woman sympathised with her. "Ok, lets see what we have here."
Jackie tilted her head back and shot Robbie a tentative smile which he shakily returned before she looked back over to where the screen was turned away from her. The silence seemed prolonged and was only broken by the sound of the woman clicking on a mouse. She was beginning to wonder if Robbie had been right, finally when she couldn't stand the silence any longer Jackie asked, "Is everything ok?"
"Just taking some measurements," she smiled. "Right." She looked over at them. "As suspected you're further along than three months, going from the dates given and the size of the baby I'd say you're fifteen weeks gone and your due date is the 8th of September." She turned the screen towards them, her smile wide. "As you can see everything looks perfect, and the baby is developing normally at this point in time."
Glancing over at Robbie, Jackie noted how pale and drawn he looked as his eyes stayed fixated on the screen. She turned her attention to look at their baby and her breath caught, she could see the outline of their face and the fact that they were very obviously sucking on their thumb, tiny legs flexing slightly as they did so. "They're moving," she breathed out in wonder.
"They do that quite a lot at this stage," the woman laughed lightly in reply. "They've got plenty of room at the moment so they make the most of it, but you'll probably start to feel fluttering sensations in the next couple of weeks. I'll turn the sound up so you can hear the heartbeat a bit clearer," she told them, seemingly oblivious to the expression on Robbie's face as he continued to stare at the screen.
The rapid sound of thudding filled the silent room and Jackie could feel herself start to well up slightly as she continued to stare at the wriggling baby on screen. Unthinkingly she reached to the side where Robbie's hand was resting and squeezed it lightly. Suddenly the panic she'd felt over the last two days had faded slightly, this might not have been planned but it didn't feel like the complete disaster it had felt like only minutes before, they could make this work, she knew they could.
It was at that thought she looked over at Robbie, who was still staring at the screen his eyes wide, fingers loose in hers. The technician looked between them, as she added blithely, "I'll print out a few photos for you, it won't take long."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
As they walked down the corridor in an awkward silence, Jackie held out one of the pictures towards Robbie, asking, "You want one?"
He nodded, taking it from her and tucking it into his inside pocket without so much as glancing at it. She swallowed heavily. "I know this wasn't what you were expecting, but we need to face this now."
Again he simply nodded, and she sighed, telling him quietly but firmly. "I know I want to keep the baby."
At that he did look at her, surprise written across his features. "I didn't expect you to do anything else," he replied honestly.
"So what do you want?" she asked nervously.
He stopped her in her tracks, his hands curving around her forearms. "Jacks I love you, you know that."
"I know you do," she smiled nervously, feeling even that fade when his face remained set.
"But I don't want a baby," he admitted quietly. "I've done that already and I screwed it up and that in turn ripped me and Gaby apart, I can't handle making the same mistake with you."
"I'm having this baby," Jackie repeated with conviction, her eyes wide.
"I know."
She frowned. "Then what exactly are you saying, Robbie? Because we're a package deal now, you don't get one without the other it won't…it can't work like that."
"I know that too," he replied.
As realisation dawned, Jackie let out a hollow laugh. "I get it," she finally said. "You can't handle this, you're scared and you're running away." Slightly hating herself for what she was about to do, she grabbed hold of his hand, giving it a light squeeze as she told him hopefully, "This doesn't have to be like it was with Gaby and Jamie, we're different, you don't have to repeat the same old mistakes."
"Jackie I can't remember the last time I didn't fuck something up," he replied with vehemence. "I even almost ruined this before it had ever really started. I saw what my half assed attempt at parenting did to Jamie and I don't want to do that to another kid."
"So walking away is the answer!" Her voice was harder now as she stared him down, she could feel the anger bubbling inside herself. "You're just scared and I get that, but this isn't the answer."
"So what is?"
"We work through this, together, we've only just found out, you just need more time to get your head around this."
"No I don't."
Jackie just stared at him for a minute, she couldn't quite believe he was saying this to her. She knew he was panicking, could see it in his eyes but he was digging his heels in and refusing to listen to her. When her hand instinctively went to her stomach she saw him look away and suddenly she couldn't just stand there and argue with him anymore, couldn't bare it. "You know what!" she snapped. "Do what you want."
With that she turned and walked away from him, leaving him standing there in the corridor, watching her go. He rocked forward on his foot slightly, fighting the urge to go after her, but he couldn't deal with this, he just couldn't, and surely it was better to just be honest about that.
He found himself on the roof later that afternoon, he'd had to get away from the case, even if only for a few minutes. Rumaging in his pockets for the emergency packet of fags he'd started keeping on himself again, his fingers curled around the thin sheet that was the ultrasound photo.
Drawing it out of his pocket he stared at it, that was his and Jackie's kid, someone who would be completely dependent on them. The difference was he could see Jackie taking like a duck to water to that role, while he would flounder. And while he could live with Gaby's resentment he couldn't live with Jackie's.
Not that that made much difference, he'd never seen her angrier than when she'd stormed away from him. He felt like he was losing everything and he'd worked so hard to win Jackie over in the first place, he wanted someone to blame but the truth was there was only himself, because if he wasn't such a fuck up he'd be there with her right now.
One last look at the picture and he shoved it away again; he needed a drink.
Jackie tapped her fingers against her kitchen worktop, trying to plan her next step. She liked order, she liked to be in control, something she wasn't in at the moment.
Sighing, she took another sip of her hot chocolate, she could understand Robbie's knee jerk reaction but that didn't mean she had to like it and in that moment at the hospital it had been a choice between getting the hell away from him or hitting him until he saw sense. After twelve years she felt like she knew him inside and out, and despite her anger, she knew that when he saw sense they would be able to work this out, so long as he didn't do anything too stupid in the meantime.
Getting to her feet, she tipped out the remainder of her drink down the kitchen sink as she stared out into the path of grass that was refered to as the communal garden. It wasn't the most child friendly, and her spare room was tiny, fine for a baby but not much past that. She shrugged, she'd have to move eventually but that was most definitely a problem for another day.
Groaning, she remembered she'd have to cleat that room out now, rinsing out her cup and placing it on the draining board she decided she may as well get started and start sifting through the junk in there. After all it wasn't going to do itself and she may as well fix everything she could fix just now, because she got the feeling control was going to be a thing of the past.