Accompanying soundtrack: ILS – "Loving You"

"What an idiot am I, I just fucking fell apart", said Jen remorsefully, holding her head in her hands. She had gone straight back to H's and was dealing with the aftermath of the evenings activity.

"Why the hell couldn't I hold it together, H?" Jen was comparatively composed now. "Why did I let it bother me, I don't understand?" she said, starting to feel angry at herself, and punched a cushion. "Nobody has ever gotten to me like this before."

"Jen, she meant a lot to you. You can't just switch that off if you've not dealt with it properly. It's clear you still need to get some of your shit together."

H started to sound like she knew what she was talking about, AND it seemed to make sense.

"And whilst you're doing that, well you know what they say - the best way to get over one girl is to get under another. You need to strike while the iron's hot and hit up that cute bar woman." Then predictable H reappeared, and normal service was resumed.

"Jesus H, one track mind for Christs sake."

"I can always be relied upon to the say the wrong thing," H smiled. "But seriously, you need help moving on, why not let yourself get a bit distracted? It'll make the process a whole lot easier."

H made Jen a strong cup of coffee, and sat down next to her. "Listen, Jen, what do I know about love? Fuck all. It's all just hit a run with me. I have the emotional capacity of a lettuce so I've no idea how I'd react in the same sort of situation, but what I do know is that you are the absolute opposite. When you commit yourself to something you're in it the whole hog. You actually care what happens, to yourself and the other person – that's what normal people do. That's what you do. And that's why this is doing your head in." She smiled caringly. "Look, I'm gonna hit the hay, I'll see you tomorrow", and she gave Jen another big hug, did a little wave and jumped up, did a little dance, spun round and headed towards her room.

Jen figured it was time to take stock. She stayed sitting on the sofa, in the quiet and semi-darkness, working things through. She'd reacted that way because that was her instinct, and no matter how she tried to rationalise it, she always came to the same conclusion – she still loved Tilly. Tilly had a power over she didn't even understand, couldn't even begin to decypher. And to see her, to speak to her in the bar this evening was a culmination of everything she wanted, but nothing she needed.

Then she started to think a bit more. Why was Tilly there? And with George, Callum and Esther too. Probably they were just on a night out somewhere less shit than Chester, but still, of all the places they could go to. Jen still felt a twinge of guilt over Esther. Maybe she could have guessed what Esther was really up to, but even so, there was always the 'what if'. If she'd intervened with Esther would she still be with Tilly now? That's where the end really started.

Jen opened up the laptop and went to Facebook. Obviously she was no longer friends with Tilly, but knew she could find her profile through other people. She shouldn't have allowed her curiosity to get the better of her, but knowledge is power, and she wanted answers to some of her questions the easiest way she knew how. She found Tilly's profile with ease and started to look at some of the pictures on there. There were a lot of her with Esther, and it was obvious to Jen they were new a couple. A small chill ran through her when she found a picture of them kissing, and wondered how Tilly could even think Esther could live up to everything she had with Jen. She felt a bit sick at the thought, and for a minute closed the screen.

Steeling herself she opened the laptop again, still on the same page and stared at the picture of Tilly in front of her. She was smiling and laughing, and looked happy. Then Jen realised she didn't initially recognise the location in most of the newer images, but on closer look it was Manchester. And then she looked at Tilly's given location – that was also Manchester too.

"Shit", she breathed quietly outloud, "she's bloody moved here!".

As she dug deeper it became more obvious that Tilly, Callum and George were all at university in Manchester. Esther was a year younger so she'd probably still be at Hollyoaks sixth form. She could only imagine what they must all have been saying about her when she left the bar in such a state, and she felt a bit embarrassed. That was something else she could with not having to think about, although they were kids, why should she care really.

Out of sight out of mind is a powerful tool for not really dealing with issues and just hiding them away. Jen admitted to herself that she'd never dealt with the break-up, the remorse over Esther, and the appalling way she'd conducted herself with Tilly at the school. And now they'd bumped in to each other once, and there was every chance they would bump into each other again. No amount of ignorance would supress the fact that living in the same city and both frequenting the gay village meant Tilly was no longer out of sight, and therefore no longer out of mind.

There were only really two ways that Jen could deal with this – either ignore it and spend the rest of her days in fear of bumping into Tilly again, or to deal with it head on like an adult. She could hear H had got up and saw her heading toward the kitchen for a glass of water. H's voice rang out in the quiet "You're still up? Man the fuck up, Jen!" and she headed back to her room.

Jen decided she didn't really have much choice.