Chapter 10: Sanity

Autumn's POV

I walk out of my room and quietly head towards the kitchen. I grab a cereal box, dump some in a bowl and I get some milk and pour it on my cereal. I take a spoon and sit down. I eat my cereal.

It's funny, how I'm injured and all. I've got bandages wrapped around my arm, and a large piece of cotton taped to my right temple. My other hand is covered in white bandages, and there is a band aid on my cheek (courtesy of Eliza), and on top of all that...I only got about one hour of sleep, yet I'm up at 7:30am...ugh...why does my body force me to wake up once the sun comes up? It's...annoying...well, actually, it doesn't really matter...I like waking up early, I like the warmth of the sun, and how it shines brightly in my eyes, and that smell of a new day…it reminds me of a second chance...

I like the day, but not as much as I love the night. The night and the darkness reminds me of pain, of anger, and fear...the three things that I learned to become, to adapt to, to live with. I've learned to be a part of the darkness, to grow in pain and to spread fear in the world. The night reminds me, of the painful but beautiful memories of the past.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts when I hear Jason's bedroom door shut. He sits right in front of me in the kitchen table blankly staring at nothing. He's got bandages wrapped around his head, and over his chest under his shirt, and around both his hands as well. "Hey Jase, morning" his hair is really messy and his face seems a bit wet, there's a large frown on his face. "Nightmare?" I ask putting my empty cereal bowl on the sink, Jason doesn't say anything, all he does is frown. I walk towards my room without another word, I close the door behind me and I sigh.

I sit on my bed and stare at my room...every time I enter this room, nightmares haunt my mind, about The Joker, my dad, Batman...those are the nightmares I can live with. But the nightmares I can barely cope up with, are the ones when I'm in a meadow with my little brother and my foster mom, at first there's laughing coming from my little brother as he runs through the meadow, but then suddenly the ground eats him up and I try to save him, but I fail. I turn to look at my mom and she wouldn't say anything, she would give me a disappointed look that says everything, before she would get eaten up in the ground as well as my world turns red...those nightmares usually make me wake up crying and crawling up into a ball.

Sometimes I have nightmares about Ducra telling me all my flaws, all my mistakes, telling me how broken I am! It wasn't easy having Ducra as a mentor...at all. It wasn't easy having Talia and my dad as a mentor either...nothing's easy anymore, sometimes, I wonder if things would be better if I just shove a bullet down my throat.

I lay down on my bed and groan, why must the world be so cruel? First, my childhood was taken away from me, then my father, then my little brother and my mother, then my birth mother and then what's next? My big brother, the only brother I have left, and the brother that I look up to?! "I HATE THE WORLD!" I scream out of rage as I clutch the sheets. "Gaaah!" I rub my face trying to remove the frustrated tears out of my eyes "WHY CAN'T I JUST DIE? WHY, WHY?" I scream, and that feeling of the world on my back gets heavier "I don't understand…" I whisper "why can't life just be...I don't know...not like this?" I whisper to nobody "from the day I was born...there was only pain...just pain, and darkness...why? Other kids have light, laughter, happiness! Why didn't I get that? Why did I have to grow up in anger, why did I have to be...a loner? Why was there never any happiness in my life?! WHY?"

Then there's a soft knock on my door "come in" I say and Jason opens the door "hey Autumn, you okay?" "yeah" I say quickly "you still up for a training session later?" "What's it gonna be?" "Escrima" I nod "okay" "unless...you don't want anymore, cause I heard yelling from you room" "huh, dad never asked me whether I wanted to train or not. That only happened occasionally" I mumble "what?" He asks "nothing, I just said that I'm gonna train later" "okay" he nods and leaves and shuts the door.

I stare at the door for a moment, then back up the ceiling and I groan and blink away the tears in my eyes. Another thought hits my mind. What happened last night? I wonder how Jason's family is right now? What about Damian? I bet he's pretty freaked out...but the way I fought last night, it's..unbecoming of me. God, has Phoenix taken over? I remember enjoying the fight, but when I saw Jason on the ground, I lashed out and...I nearly killed Richard Grayson.

Am I turning insane? Or am I already insane? Maybe, all these years I've always been insane, I just stuff the insanity in a bottle...but when I'm The Phoenix, all that insanity...it just bursts out. Maybe...but I'm not giving this up, no.

I can no longer hide this insanity lurking in my mind, this rage consuming my heart, the shadows whispering in my ear...making my vision full of red. Sometimes...when I lay in this room and stare at the ceiling, I can't help but hear blood dripping down a knife. Rage, pain, insanity, it's slowly taking over, the whispers get louder and louder everyday...it's funny, how my only source of sanity is family, and that's my big brother, and he's just as insane as I am, maybe even more insane...who knows.

I don't even notice the warm wetness dripping down my eyes as I look up.

Have I gone insane? Has Death become my other partner? Shit, I'm a monster...I laugh whenever I hear the sorry screams of those people I kill, I know it's wrong...but I've never cared...not since my father left. I am insane...I simply hide it under this second mask called a smile. I have many masks, just like many heroes do, happiness, sadness, anger, maybe even jealousy, even pain is a mask, and the fact that I spread fear could be another mask, the shadows cover my entire face...I know who I am on the inside...A scared little girl, waiting for her daddy to come and save her.

Everytime I put on the suit, I feel hard and cold, like there's another set of unbreakable armour surrounding me. I feel no mercy, no guilt whenever I put on the mask. I know that Jason has noticed my change of personality. I'm surprised he hasn't taken The Phoenix away from me yet...but really, what would be the point of taking Phoenix away, I am her, no matter what happens, I'll always be insane...because Phoenix and insanity have already been a permanent part of me since the day I lost my childhood; I don't even remember what my age was when I lost my sanity and my childhood...was it after my dad died? After the training with the All Caste? When my mom and my brother left? After the war? After that traumatizing moment when the escape pod crashed to earth? Or was it just fate's plan for me to lose my childhood?

The difference between The Red Hood and The Phoenix is that he still has a soul to show; my soul burns in dark fire frozen in ice...but we both still have our souls, no matter how broken they are.

Sanity...isn't in this house, it's not coming from me or my brother, there's only that feeling of the ghost haunting our minds. But sometimes I wonder...can we pull each out of the fire...could there still be a little sanity, a little happiness, some sort of warmth left in this house? Maybe, I can still save my older brother, my only family. Maybe he can save me too. But soon we will both fall into that dark abyss and lose it all, and we'll need a hero to save us, to save my brother and to save me.

I sit up and change into sweat pants and a tight shirt. Then I walk to the training hall where Jason's already waiting. I take the Escrima sticks sitting on the bench and stand in front of the wooden dummy. "You sure you're good?" I ask him. "Yeah, I've been through worse." I know. He stands in front of the dummy right next to mine. "Ready position." I say and get into my ready position. My left arm is over of my stomach and in my right hand the stick is pointing to the back of my right ear. "Go." We start slow and smooth at first, somehow synchronized like siblings are. Right hand-right temple, left hand-right hip, right hand-left hip, left hand-right temple, right hand-left temple. We start slowly as if we're flowing like water or like the blowing wind. Then, we go quicker. Left hand hits the right temple, right hand hits the left thigh, left hand hits the left shoulder, turn, then right hand hits the neck, jump, right hand hits the forehead, left hand hits the abdomen, right hand hits the jaw, left kick, right hits the side, left hits the hip, turn then kick the chest.

Both our wooden dummies flies across the room and crashes into the wall, Jason's dummy goes first then mine comes next. We get into our ready positions again, with serious faces across our faces (really, we're almost the same!), then we relax our shoulders. I walk towards the bench. "Told you I was good." Jason comments, "No stupid injuries can keep me down." I sit down and drink water as I roll my eyes and Jason wipes his sweat away. "We got a mission today?" I ask him. "Well, we're going on patrol tonight." "Okay." That's great. That means no mission...yay…I walk to the white couch and sit down. I turn on the TV and go to Cartoon Network, where The Amazing World of Gumball is showing. I start laughing and bounce on the couch, grinning...but really I'm just thinking that, I wanna just crawl into a ball and cry...that's weak, as my dad told me.

Then Jason sits beside me. "Really?" I smile, still hiding the feeling of just wanting to burst into tears "I love this show! It's so cute!" He rolls his eyes, "You're such a kid." "Ya don't say..." I have missed out on a lot of my childhood; I would like to make up even just a little bit for it. A silence, maybe he's broke through that happy barrier already...then he puts on a serious face. "Hey Autumn?" "Yeah?" I look up at him. "Do you think I'm...insane?" I relax for a moment, knowing that my brother hasn't broken through my first barrier. I think for a moment, to come up with an answer. "Of course you are…you are completely bonkers!" He and I both look down at the floor facing the truth, then I look back up at my brother, and throw in an actual genuine smile "but let me tell you a secret, all the best people are." I whisper.

****Break****

Chris's POV

Ugh...too bright...couldn't you just let me sleep a little longer... I slowly open my eyes, but I shield them immediately once the sun's rays hit my eyes through the window. I am NOT a morning person... I force myself to open them again as I try to reach for my phone. Ouch. It hurts to twist my body because of all the injuries that Phoenix girl inflicted on me and my family. I'm able to grab my phone from my bedside table. 7:23. Only two hours...really sun? You couldn't let me catch up on my sleep...ugh...this is why I prefer the night. The darkness overwhelming me, the cool wind in my face, the few stars scattered across the night sky, and the large moon casting some light on the streets and rooftops of Gotham. The good feeling of the thought is suddenly replaced by the thought of last night's events. Red Hood. The bloody battle. The pain of being defeated. The anger I felt when I saw my brothers and my father lying on the ground, beaten, bruised. The anger in Phoenix's voice. Her movements, her words...the fire surrounding her...what was that anyway? Everything feels like a blur, and yet, I remember everything clearly. Who is she? She definitely was trained well. Damn. My head hurts.

As I slowly get out of bed, trying my best to ignore the pain, Phoenix's hard, cold voice lingers in my head. I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye to your family Carter. Just tell them I said bye okay? She knew who I was. Maybe Jason told her... ugh... She just pisses me off so much. I approach the mirror in my room and stare at my reflection. God I look horrible. I'm covered in bruises, bandages, and cuts, luckily nothing too deep. Dad, however, got beaten pretty badly. I just hope that this doesn't get to that stubborn head of his...

I open and close the door to my room as quietly as possible so that I don't wake anyone up, if anyone is even asleep. I'm limply walking through the hallway, about to attempt to go down the stairs when I pass Dick's slightly open door.

"Sis?" Dick's voice is heard.

I peer through his open door and find my brother lying down on his bed on top of his disheveled sheets. His bare chest is wrapped in bandages, and his face, arms, and legs is covered in bruises and cuts, and one very deep cut on his left cheek has been stitched up. And I thought I looked horrible... The sight of him like this makes me so angry. Someone hurt my big brother...my only living relative. My only big brother (well there's Tim but he's not exactly "big" and I treat him more like he's my age and not one whole year older than me; I mean I'm almost as tall as him...when will that boy hit puberty?). I hate seeing people in pain. I just had to get used to it when I became Nightingale. However, once in a while a certain person in pain just tips me off...like my entire family...my only family... I want Phoenix to pay what she did to my brother, my father, and my two other brothers. Why did Red Hood even take her in? She's a monster...well I guess they both are... Damn I hate them so much right now... My thoughts are interrupted when Dick lifts his head slightly and groans softly. He slowly raises his arm and tries to tame his messed up hair. Then he gestures to me.

"Come here."

I open his door and limp inside. I close the door behind me and drag myself to his bedside. Once I'm right next to him, the burn on his neck is clearly visible. Dick tries his best to scootch over and I sit down on his bed.

"You alright?" He asks me.

"I guess. I should be asking you the same thing."

"It's nothing really."

"Yea," I say sarcastically while rolling my eyes, "your broken ribs, severe cuts and bruises on your legs and face, and that burn on your neck that you almost died from is 'nothing.'" He always cares more about others than himself. I always appreciate it, but I wouldn't mind if he decides to worry more about himself once in a while.

"She said that she had learned how to "control" the burns...weird right?"

I have the strong urge to give him a sarcastic reply. Dick, you make it so easy! I decide that once is enough in this situation.

"Yea, I mean, you saw the fire surrounding her, right? I wasn't going crazy or anything."

"It was there. And besides, you can't go crazy when you already are crazy."

I smile at him. At least he could bring humor into most situations. Suddenly a thought comes into my head.

"I could've stopped her..."

"What're you talking about? You went head-on against Phoenix, and you got beaten badly. Just not as badly as Damian and Tim."

"No, I know that, but I mean when the three of you were unconscious and Bruce was lying on the ground in pain, I watched them leave, I watched them scoff at us. All I did was throw a batarang..."

"You did the best you could. You were smart. If you went after them and left the four of us, you probably would've died! We wouldn't be able to forgive ourselves if you died, especially Bruce."

"I know...but I just feel like I could've done something more..."

Suddenly, Dick pulls me into an embrace as best as he can and whispers in my ear,

"All that matters is that we're all home safely...okay little sis? I mean c'mon, you were able to haul three heavy boys and Batman (since he was having trouble moving) all by yourself into the Batmobile and got us all home. We wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. Now don't beat yourself up okay?"

"Okay...thanks Dick. I love you."

"I love you too." He whispers back after kissing my head. "Is anyone else awake?"

"Not that I know of."

At that moment, Bruce walks into the room, well, more like drags himself in. He's having some trouble supporting his weight...he's leaning on the doorpost while trying to get his legs to straighten. He looks at the two of us, and he tries to smile when he sees the horrified expressions on our faces. I slowly get off the bed to go and help him, but when I reach him, he just puts a hand on my shoulder and penetrates my eyes with his blue ones. Dad has a cut on the right side of his lower lip, and there are traces of dried blood on his forehead and nose. There is a cut on his left cheek and plenty of bruises scattered around his face. Poor daddy...

"Bruce you should get back to your room. You look horrible." Dick, now seated up on his bed, says.

"I'm fine. I still need to try and find out all I can about Phoenix."

"I can do that for you. You really need to lie down." I furrow my eyebrows to express how serious I am, but Bruce is too stubborn to listen to us.

"You can help if you like, but I'm gonna go down to the cave. Don't try to stop me." His voice is a little more rash than usual, kinda rough. I really want to stop him, but it's no use trying. Instead, I let him use me as a support as we slowly descend the stairs. We are met by Alfred at the bottom, but Bruce just continues toward his study. I look back at Alfred apologetically, and a look of understanding dawns on him.

"We need to find out who this girl is." Bruce says, a hint of anger in his voice.

****Break****

"So you said that she can melt or burn anything she touches." Bruce asks me again.

"Yea. She burned Dick's neck and she melted the batarang I threw at her." I answer him...again. He's asked me this question a million times, as if he's expecting a different answer, but I've only got one answer for him. Bruce is searching through his files looking for any meta with Phoenix's ability, but there's been none so far.

"Maybe you should ask Damian if he knows something. I heard parts of their little conversation while I was trying to wake up Tim."

"No need."

"Why?"

"Because I know what I'm doing. I can handle this. You should go eat breakfast."

"That's a good excuse..." I mutter under my breath as I roll my eyes. He really should expand his search, but as always, there's no use trying to change his mind. "Fine. You do...whatever...I'm gonna go talk to Damian." I walk up the steps and back into the study. Why couldn't we just have an elevator? So. Many. Damn. Steps. Luckily, I'm able to survive the trip and I cautiously knock on Damian's door.

"Who's there?" He still sounds the same. Still has that hint of arrogance in his voice.

"Chris."

"You may enter."

Damian didn't suffer as badly as Dick and Tim (he got hit plenty of times, and even though he's almost as skinny as me, he's got slightly weaker bones), but Damian was shocked by last night's events. He barely talked to us last night, so I knew that I'd have to wait until today to get something outta him. Damian is just lying down on his bed, flipping through TV channels when I approach him. He doesn't look to bad, just a few bruises here and there, but there's some dried blood on his forehead, and he's having some trouble moving his left arm.

"Dammit there's nothing interesting on. What do you want?" He says while turning off the TV and throwing the remote to the floor.

"I wanted to ask you about last night."

"Technically it was this morning but you have my permission to ask me."

He irks me so much, always treating everyone like peasants (except Dad) and being so obnoxious. Usually I hate people like that, but I've learned to live with it, especially since we are the king and queen of mischief (in this house...other places, I'm not so sure about).

"First, she knew who we were... She called you Damian in the middle of your battle, I heard her whisper "Grayson" to Dick, and she called me Christine... Do you think Jason sold us out?"

"It's possible, them being partners and all, but when I had that little "chat" with Phoenix, she said that she found out on her own when she was around...what was it?... I believe she said 8."

"What? But I was still in the orphanage when was 8, and she looks like she's my age!"

"Well if she found out Bruce's, Dick's, and Tim's identities, then she would've figured out ours..."

"Well yea but...how did she find out then?"

"I don't know..."

"I'll ponder on that later...next question. What did Phoenix tell you last night? All I heard was that she mentioned Talia."

He sighs, hesitating at first, then he answers, "She asked me how Talia was. She said that she knew that Talia is my mother. I asked her how she knew her and how she knew that she is my mother, but she only answered by saying that she met her and that I told her myself that Talia is my mother."

"So you don't remember even hinting that she is your mother?"

"Other than the League of Assassins, you people are the only ones who know!"

"Maybe...maybe it wasn't recently." There's no way that Damian would've told a random girl about his mother at this age, but that sounds like something a young kid would do. Well, Damian never really had a normal childhood, but most children's brains work similarly. "Do you remember any girls when you were younger and still living with your mother and grandfather?"

"No...wait..." He stares at the ground, closes his eyes, and just sits still for a moment. The silence makes me feel uncomfortable, so I am relieved when Damian finally opens his eyes. They are wide with...fear? Realization? What? He mutters, "Holy shit..." I furrow my eyebrows at him, but then he lifts his head and looks at me.

"When I was a young boy, there was this girl...I don't remember her face very clearly though but I could tell that she was probably around 8 years old, the same age as me but slightly younger. Mother was teaching her when I came to tell her that her presence was requested for something... I don't remember. Anyway she left me alone with the girl, and we had a short chat. I asked her-"

"Blah blah blah just tell me what her name is." I'm getting excited.

"Let me finish. You should not interrupt me when I am speaking." He's obviously annoyed with me, but it doesn't matter.

"Well I don't care at this point! What the hell is her name?!" Whoops, kinda got carried away. Focus...gotta keep my "good-girl" attitude...

"Alright fine. Calm down." He seems shocked at my sudden outburst, but he's not too surprised. I did let him know I understood all this shit and that I've "grown up." I'd better not lose it though in front of Bruce, Dick, or Alfred (he would definitely stick a bar of soap in my mouth). "She didn't tell me her name, and neither did Mother, but I know who her parents are."

"TELL ME LITTLE BROTHER TELL ME!" I accidentally yell at him. Calm down...you're getting excited.

"Her father is some guy named Ryan Cross and-"

"Have no idea who he is." I interrupt.

"Goddamit Carter!" He yells at me and I just sit there. He waits for a while until he's sure I won't talk again then he continues.

"Her mother is Sheila Haywood." OH. MY. GOD.

****Break****

Damian's POV

"Wait! No! Carter I demand that you stop!" Carter is making her way down the steps. She is going to tell Father that Phoenix (or at least who we think is Phoenix) is actually Jason's biological sister. Obviously that's the right thing to do, but I've got a better idea.

I finally catch up to my sister and block her path to the study.

"What are you doing? Get out of my way! We have to tell Bruce!" She has a puzzled expression.

"You can't order me around! And I don't want to tell him...not yet..."

"Why not? We may have a lead! We have to tell him."

"It's not a promising lead...we need to investigate more...I think we should talk to my mother. She may know something."

"It's more than just lack of evidence isn't it?" Evidence? I heard she watches a lot of crime dramas...that's probably explains it. The way she's looking at me...I don't want to tell her, but I feel like...

"I want to please my Father."

"Well everyone wants to please their fathers, especially since Bruce isn't the easiest to please."

"But I want to prove myself worthy to him. I want to prove that I am worthy of being his son and that I deserve to be Robin."

Carter is looking at me strangely... I don't like this...

"Stop looking at me like that!" I order, but she ignores me.

"You don't need to prove yourself "worthy." You've already earned the mantle of Robin. If you didn't deserve it, you wouldn't have it. Besides, Bruce is obviously proud of you. I mean, c'mon, you're his only blood son. Why wouldn't he be proud of you?"

I don't find her words extremely helpful, but I appreciate the fact that she's at least trying.

"Thanks..."

"Welcome. Alright, I'll do this your way for once...you know Dad wouldn't want us doing this."

"Well we're doing it anyway. We'll get more information this way so that when we tell Father we'll have more than just "We know who Phoenix's mother is" to say to him."

"Fine. What's the plan?"

"We'll get out of patrol tonight to go and pay a visit to my mother at the docks."

Carter winces at the mention of the docks. It's then that I realize that neither of us are in good shape...if we were to get ambushed or betrayed or captured, we'd basically be useless. No one else is in the best shape either, so who knows what'll happen to us. It's a risk I'm willing to take. What about Carter?

"You sure you want to do this?" I try not to sound too concerned.

"Definitely." She replies, giving me a grim smile.

A/N: Last sentence said by Autumn: quoted from Alice in Wonderland. Any comments? Constructive criticism? Violent reactions? Well all this you can tell us in the reviews!