Chapter 10

Ricky and Lucy walked into Dr. Carlson's office. Ricky could tell that Lucy was nervous about going through with this, so he held her hand and could feel it shaking.

It had taken a lot of convincing Lucy to do this and she finally agreed to go along with it, but didn't think it would do any good. Ricky had been on the phone so fast to Dr. Carlson and wanted to make sure that he knew the situation. Dr. Carlson explained that before the two of them could begin talking, he needed to talk to Lucy for a little bit first. He needed to understand why she was doing what she was doing before he could bring Ricky into the conversation. Ricky agreed and got a reluctant agreement from his wife. Ricky knew it was going to be an expensive and emotionally draining day, but to him, he wanted his Lucy back and money was no object.

Walking to the secretary's desk, Ricky explained that they were here to see the doctor and gave his last name. Being told to sit in the waiting chairs, the couple walked hand in hand to wait. The two of them sat in complete silence and stared ahead. Ever since they made the appointment, it had been relatively awkward between them. Lucy didn't know what to say to her husband of eleven years and Ricky didn't know how to approach his beloved wife.

"Mr. and Mrs. Ricardo, Dr. Carlson will see you now," announced the secretary.

The two of them nodded their heads to acknowledge her and walked through the wooden doors of the office. Walking in, they saw a middle aged man with grey hair, sitting behind his desk. There was a big picture window in the back of the desk and a couch and chair that were set up across from each other. The walls were mahogany and there were various lamps and plants situated around the room.

"Mr. Ricardo, Mrs. Ricardo, I'm Dr. Carlson, please sit down on the couch. Let's begin, shall we? I want to begin to explain this process. I usually do these types of sessions over a period of time, but I'm under the impression that this case is very special. What I want to do is to get to know Mrs. Ricardo, since that is mainly why we're here. Mr. Ricardo, I'm going to ask you to go in the waiting room for a little bit while I talk to your wife. We'll ask you to come back in momentarily."

"Lucy, are you sure? I can stay, if you wunt," asked Ricky, hesitantly.

"No, I'll be fine," said Lucy, stoically.

"Okay," said Ricky, sadly, feeling hurt that his wife didn't want him to stay with him, even if the doctor did want him to go.

"Ok, Mrs. Ricardo, why are you here today?"

"Oh boy, you guys just get right down to it, don't you?"

"Well, yes, we don't want to waste time and I'm here to help you."

"Ok, well, my husband thinks that I need to talk to a professional and also thinks that he should be around to hear what I have to say, what he thinks I'm holding back from him."

"Your husband told me that you went through an awful experience recently. Why don't you tell me about that?"

"Well, it's really nothing because I'm fine now. Life is great."

"Is it really, Mrs. Ricardo?"

"Yes, it is."

"I was informed that you were starving yourself to fit into a costume your husband was using in one of his shows and after the performance, you collapsed, went unconscious and you didn't wake up for several hours."

"Yeah, so? I dealt with it. I didn't mean to become so crazy with my diet. I just went a little overboard and I've started eating better again. I'm never going to do that again. Why is this experience so important?"

"Well, it tells a lot about a person after they go through an experience like that, especially where that certain person was unconscious to the happenings of the outside world. What I really want to know about, Mrs. Ricardo, is if you remember anything from your unconscious state? Anything stand out to you?

After Dr. Carlson asked Lucy about her dream nightmare, she felt the tears burn her eyes. Even when she was explaining it to Ethel, she couldn't hold back the tears. This was a very traumatizing experience for her, even more traumatizing than the crash diet she was on. She felt a chill go through her body, as she wiped the tears from her eyes.

"Did something happen to you, Mrs. Ricardo? I want to help you and maybe talking about it will make you feel better. I can perhaps help you put the pieces of the puzzle together and help you figure out why you feel the way that you do."

Lucy took a shuddering breath and wiped away the tears from her eyes. By the time she was done explaining all of the details of her dream nightmare, such as seeing her deceased father, her intimate moment with Ricky and then experiencing Ricky yell at her and wanting her to get away from him, she was in hysterics. There was something comforting about Dr. Carlson's demeanor that allowed her to confess her dream nightmare. She didn't have this reaction after telling Ethel about the dream nightmare, but she figured it had to do with the fact that she was dealing with a professional and not her best friend.

"Mrs. Ricardo, it's going to be alright. That's why you're here, to talk about this and to work moving past it," said Dr. Carlson, as he handed her a tissue.

"I've talked about this to my best friend and I hate to say this, but I didn't feel any better doing it. Usually, when I talk to Ethel about these things, I have a better perspective and nothing. I just want to feel free from this experience and move on with my life."

"Well, I can suggest one way to move on from what you've gone through. There's a key person that you need to deal with when it comes to what you experienced in your unconscious state and I think you know who that is."

"Well, my father was in the dream, but he's been dead for years. I don't know how I can deal with him," said Lucy, deliberately avoiding the obvious answer.

"Mrs. Ricardo, you know I'm not talking about your father."

"I can't talk to him, Dr. Carlson, I just can't."

"Why do you feel like you can't talk to your husband? He's a necessary part of dealing with this."

"I'm afraid of his reaction. You know, this isn't the first time I've pulled a stunt like this, trying to get into his show. Also, I don't want him to become dramatic when I tell him how he treated me."

"I think there's more to this than you're telling me. Let's analyze the dream nightmare, shall we? We'll skip the part of you seeing your father because to you, that's the person you were the closest to that has passed on. We'll start with when you flashed to the scene of being in your apartment. You were healthy and waiting for Ricky to come home. He romances you, the two of you share a very intimate moment and then you get a, as you describe it, 'strange feeling.' You told me that you saw Ricky stare at you with an indescribable look on his face. He then told you that you needed to leave him and then you said he disappeared. Do you know what you're really afraid of?"

"What?" said Lucy, on the verge of tears again.

"You're afraid of losing Ricky. I always feel that our dreams and nightmares reveal to us what we're really scared of, but afraid to admit. It's the one thing in your life that scares you more than death, isn't it?"

Lucy began to sob heavily again. She didn't even realize that until Dr. Carlson pointed it out to her. She didn't want to lose the one person in her life that was the center of her world and who was her everything.

"I guess you're right, Dr. Carlson. I am afraid of losing Ricky. Without him, I couldn't exist and I wouldn't be anything. He's part of me and I'm a part of him."

"Your husband also told me that since you've come home, you've been having nightmares. Can you tell me what they've been about?"

"I was reliving the end of what I experienced while I was unconscious. The part where Ricky tells me to leave and then he disappears, but I'm watching myself experience it. I see how upset I get and I see how much pain I'm in and I start to experience that pain, as well. I wake up from my nightmare and all I want is Ricky. That's the only physical contact we've had since I've come home. When he's comforting me after my nightly nightmare. I just wake up and I want his arms around me. I don't know, maybe I just want to know he's still there and that he really hasn't left."

By this point, Lucy was crying and she realizes that she has been awful to Ricky and the way that she's been treating him. He didn't deserve this from her because all he's wanted to do was be supportive.

"You know, I have a theory on how you could end these nightmares. You need to start with the person that is featured in them, besides yourself. Talking to your husband will help you and then if you continue to have them once in a while, he'll know what you're experiencing and he can help you through it. He seems like he would move heaven and earth for you."

"I don't want to place that burden on Ricky. He shouldn't have to go through with my problems."

"Don't you see, Mrs. Ricardo, that's what marriage is. First of all, he wouldn't consider you a burden. You are his wife and he doesn't want you to be in pain or hurt. He wants to help you deal with your problems. You go through life together being there for each other, loving each other and supporting each other. Let him in, Mrs. Ricardo, let him help you. As I always say, 'let your spouse be a part of you, not apart from you.'"

The more Lucy listened to Dr. Carlson, the more that she wanted Ricky to know everything. She was seeing this whole thing in a new perspective and maybe she could even get Ricky's view on everything.

"Are you going to take my advice, Mrs. Ricardo?"

"Yes," said Lucy, quietly.

"Would you like me to get your husband in here so you can talk to him or would you rather go home and talk to him?"

"I think I would like to talk to him here, if you don't mind. I'm afraid that if I wait until we get home, I'll lose my nerve. With you here, I have the confidence to tell him."

"Okay, Mrs. Ricardo, let me go get your husband for you."

Lucy sat down while the doctor went out in the waiting room to get Ricky. She was fidgeting and twisting her hands together. As she thought of what she was about to do and what she had done to Ricky since she had gotten home, she began to cry again. As she was wiping the tears from her eyes, she saw the door open and watched her handsome husband walk in. She had never been so glad to see anyone in her whole life. She got up off the couch, ran up to him and jumped right into his arms. She held on tightly to him, as if she were afraid that if she let go slightly, she would lose him. She felt him respond to her hug and rub her back as she cried into his shirt.

"I'm sorry Ricky, I'm so sorry for the way that I've been treating you."

"Dun't worry about it sweetheart. I'm right here. Everythin's gonna be okay. Shhhh," said Ricky, softly.

This was the longest that he had held her since she got home and he was grateful that she wasn't pushing him away. He felt like she was ready to talk and he was more than willing to listen. As she let go of him and looked into his face, he smiled softly and wiped the tears away from her eyes.

"I'm ready to talk now, Ricky," said Lucy, as she hiccuped her words.

"Okay, sweetheart. I dun't want to force you."

"No, I need to do this. I want to do this. Dr. Carlson made me see that you're the one person I should talk to. I want to talk to you in front of him because I'm afraid that I'll lose my nerve if I wait."

Lucy took her seat and made sure that Ricky sat right next to her. He held her hand as before their appointment, but felt that this time it was different. She was more willing to accept him and his support for her instead of pushing him away.

"Well, I want to start by saying that I'm so sorry for the way that I've been treating you lately. You're only trying to help me and I've been distancing myself from you. You're the one person that I want as close to me as I can get. With that being said, I want to tell you about what happened to me while I was unconscious. I saw my father and we talked, which made me feel like I was a little girl again. He didn't like that I hurt my body just to be in a show. He told me that if I hadn't done that, I could be at home with you, safe and sound, instead of a hospital. During this experience, after I saw him, I saw that I was in our apartment, waiting for you to come home from the club. You had done the 'Cuban Pete' number without me, but I was glad that I hadn't overdone it to get into the routine. You and I began to...you know.. become intimate and it was an amazing experience. Afterwards, I felt a strange feeling and you were looking down at me and I couldn't tell what you were thinking. Usually I can, but this time I couldn't and I was getting scared after awhile. You told me that if I hadn't been so eager and stubborn to be in your show, this is how our night would've gone," said Lucy, all the while, starting to cry again as she retold the story. She felt Ricky's thumb graze the top of her hand softly and could tell that he was listening intently to her.

"You started yelling at me that I made my choice and that I had to leave you. You were telling me that you didn't want to see me and I needed to leave. I kept telling you that I didn't want to leave you and that I wanted to be in your arms, but you kept telling me to go. So I got out of bed, crying and I looked over at you and you put your back to me, pretending like I wasn't there. As I was crying, I noticed that I couldn't breathe and I was coughing furiously. I tried calling out your name, but you were gone and I didn't know where you went. I got scared because I couldn't see you and because I couldn't breathe. That's when everything went black and I remember waking up in my hospital bed, asking for you. That's what I went through and I just don't want you to hate me."

"Oh my God, sweetheart, why would I hate you?" asked Ricky, his face and voice full of concern. He never wanted her to feel like that and was hurt terribly that she did.

"Well, I got into your show and I know you didn't want me to be in it. I went to extreme lengths to do it and I know we talked about you joking about calling me fat and that you really don't think I am, but I hurt my body doing it."

"Honey, I dun't hate you. I could never hate you. You're my gorgeous redhea'. I dun't care if you got into my show. I'm jus' gla' you're okay and healthy."

"Really?"

"Of course. The nigh' you were in the huspital, all I care 'bout was that you would get better and come back to me and you did. The res' of it is in the past."

Lucy smiled genuinely for the first time at her husband and put her forehead up to his. This was the first time that he had a real smile on his face and was thankful that she finally opened up to him.

"Well, Dr. Carlson helped me figure out why I had this dream nightmare and what I'm afraid of."

"Well, are you gonna tell me?"

"I'm afraid of losing you. The way that I was reacting at the end, with me not wanting to leave you and me yelling your name when I couldn't find you is my way of showing that losing you would be the worst thing to ever happen to me. If I didn't have you, I don't know what I would do," cried Lucy, starting to become hysterical again.

"Lucy, I wunt you to know somethin and I wunt you to listen. You. Have. Me. You. Will. Never. Lose. Me. Do you understan'?"

Lucy was speechless and beyond words at this point. She was crying silently so much that all she could do was nod her head and wrap her arms around her strong husband.

"I could never leave you, Lucy. I love you too mush," whispered Ricky. He planted a kiss on her neck and squeezed her tightly to him. This is what he wanted and was happy that Lucy finally opened up to him.

"Well," began Dr. Carlson, " I think we've made some excellent progress here. How do you feel, Mrs. Ricardo?"

"Better than I have in a long time," said Lucy, looking at her husband in adoration.

"And you, Mr. Ricardo? How do you feel now?"

"Wonderful," said Ricky, with a sigh and a smile, as he looked at Lucy.

"Well, I guess we can end our session here. I want the two of you to come back to me in a week and let me know how you're doing. With this session, you've opened the lines of communication and talked about everything that has gone on.

Ricky and Lucy got up from the couch and walked out of the office after Ricky paid the bill. It was expensive, but the price was worth it if it meant that he got his wife back.

They walked down the street to hail a cab and to go back to their apartment. Ricky was so happy, but he knew that now that they were out of Dr. Carlson's office, they needed to talk. As the cab took off towards their apartment, he needed to end their comfortable silence.

"Lucy, honey, I'm so happy that you finally talk to me."

"You know, I was scared to tell you about it because then I guess I would have to face my fears. Dr. Carlson said that you were the person that I should tell my fear to because you're the only one that can be there for me, in that way, since my dream nightmare dealt with us."

"I'm here for you, Lucy. Always and forever."

"Dr. Carlson also said that talking to you about this could help my nightmares. I figured out that the reason that I was clinging to you after I woke up was because I wanted to make sure you were still there. And you are. You always are and for that, I love you so much."

Ricky pulled Lucy into his arms and let her head rest on his chest. He kissed her forehead and knew that they were going to be okay. More than okay, actually.