Dean went through many sleepless nights, but he never told Sam. He didn't want to add to the burden. His own troubles were not of any importance. Sam took notice of Dean's extreme fatigue, but there was not much that he could do about it other than insist that Dean try and sleep every night. It never worked though. Thoughts of Cas and his injuries plagued Dean's mind and prevented sleep. One night, however, fatigue overtook Dean, and he drifted off into a restless sleep.
"Hello, Dean." Cas said as soon as he saw him. They were at their cliff on the hood of the impala, which was parked underneath the tree that Cas had drawn the cat and the ice cream on. They were sitting there together just like the old days - the days before Cas's mother died. He had Dean's jacket on and Dean had pulled Cas into him. They were sitting there staring up at the sky. "Is something wrong, Dean?" Cas asked in a voice dripping with concern.
Dean's eyes went wide as he absorbed his surroundings. He was on the cliff overlooking the lake with Cas. Cas was there and his eyes were bright. They were a vibrant sky blue, and Dean thought that he could just cry from joy of seeing them again, but they weren't real. Dean tried to ignore that fact as best he could. He wanted to focus on what he had: Cas.
"No. This is perfect." Dean sighed contently as he kissed Cas's forehead tenderly. "I missed you. God, I really missed you." Dean muttered into his hair.
Cas looked so alive. He looked so clean and healthy in comparison to the fragile shell that was left in the hospital. Dean cherished Castiel's appearance because he looked at peace. He looked safe. It was like the world had finally given Cas the chance to be happy, healthy, and secure, which seemed that it really only could happen in a dream.
"I'm right here. I'm always here, Dean." Cas laughed sweetly at Dean . "Usually it's you who has to tell me this stuff. Are you feeling okay?" He asked with mild concern as he pressed a hand to Dean's forehead in an attempt to discern whether or not he had a fever.
"I know. Everything seems topsy turvy now. The whole world has just kind of turned itself over on me, and… I don't know what to do, babe. I can't do it without you." Dean pretended that Cas was real. He needed to. If anyone could help him through the situation, it was Cas.
"I'm right here, Dean. You can do it. Whatever you're talking about… I'm sure you can." Cas confided confidently. Just as Dean was about to respond, Cas fell down to the ground and began choking. He started coughing up blood violently as contortions began to rack his body.
"Cas?!" Dean's eyes went wide as he stared down in horror at his dying boyfriend. He wanted to run down to help him, or even just hold him, but he couldn't. No matter how hard he tried to move his limbs, he was still rooted to the spot. Cas's eyes rolled into the back of his head as the blood from his mouth came spilling onto the ground.
"Cas!" Dean screamed. He tried to close his eyes, but even those were frozen. He was stuck watching Cas die violently, and he could do nothing about it.
"D- D… De…" Castiel tried to choke out between his spasms and his coughs of blood.
"Cas, please. No. Please. Cas." Dean begged as Castiel stretched a weak arm towards him.
"Dean…" Cas finally managed to choke out painfully before he went into one final violent spasm that left his body entirely limp. His head fell back to the ground with a thud as his body lay in a pile of his own blood.
"Cas!" Dean woke up screaming. His body was shaking and sweating when he woke up. His eyes were wide from shock as he took in the room around him. They were still in the hospital. Cas was still there. He was alive. Sam was still sound asleep.
Dean crawled out of his bed slowly. He felt his entire body shake with adrenaline as he headed instinctively towards Cas' bed.
Without any thought to it, he plopped himself onto the bed and lightly wrapped his arms around Cas very carefully so that he would not hurt him. He needed the assurance that Cas was alive. He was there. He was breathing. He was okay. Dean nuzzled his face into Cas' chest like a child. He felt content there. He felt so much safer. He felt closer to peace.
The whole hospital seemed to be filled up with angst from Castiel's visitors. Sam had brought Jess over a few times, but she could only look at Cas with pity and say that she hoped he got better. She was good to have around Sam because she helped to distract him from everything that was going on around him. Because of that, Dean tried to get her to come over often and to take Sam out of the hospital every so often.
The thing was, Sam stayed in the hospital because both Gabriel and Dean refused to leave. Gabriel was on crutches now, and the doctors had insisted in some physical therapy to rehabilitate his twisted leg. Gabriel had refused, saying that he could not pay for it. The nurse, whom they had all come to know as Meg, simply gave him a small grin as she signed him up. Gabriel never got a bill for any of it. Not for his surgery, his therapy, or any of Cas's treatment. Whatever strings she had pulled, she must have pulled a lot of them because there were so many expenses that Gabriel felt like they must have owed her their souls at that point, but she would just roll her eyes when they offered to pay her and tell them to shut up and accept a gift.
Gabriel had an excuse to stay in the hospital, which was probably the major reason why he agreed to physical therapy in the first place, but Dean did not. Dean kind of became a resident. He stayed with Cas, and basically shared his room. He never told anyone, but he did sleep in Castiel's bed when he slept at all. He needed that comfort. He could not let sleep take him when he was outside of the safety of Castiel's presence. It was strange for him to feel that way. He was used to it being Cas that felt that way and Cas being dependent, but now he needed Cas, and his need progressively worsened.
Bobby had been away on a business trip working with a friend who owned another vehicle repair shop when Cas first fell into a coma. He came almost as soon as he arrived home. The news shocked him, but it didn't bother him personally. He had never met Cas, but he knew it would hurt Sam and especially Dean, so that automatically meant it concerned him. It also meant that it would harm him too, even if he didn't want to admit to that.
Dean was in Cas's room when Bobby arrived. He had been in there all day, and no one had even seen him yet. Sam had just returned from school - he had resumed his education a couple of weeks prior because he was getting too far behind. Bobby was gathered with Sam and Gabriel outside of Castiel's room having a serious discussion that was long since overdue.
"He needs to get out of here. He doesn't leave. He hardly even leaves that room." Sam spoke like a worried parent to Bobby, who nodded in sagacious understanding.
"He's with him more than I am, and I'm actually stuck in this place. I don't think it's healthy." Gabriel chimed in.
"Idjit." Bobby scoffed. "I'll get him out. Don't worry about it." He said dismissively with a voice brimming with confidence.
"Thanks, Bobby. I - we - really appreciate you being here ." Sam spoke sincerely as his face softened into a look of genuine gratitude.
"Don't get all sappy on me, boy. Just let me do my work… He's in there?" Bobby asked for confirmation as he jerked his head towards Castiel's door.
"He lives in there." Gabriel said with a delicate eyebrow raise.
"I'll just have to drag him out then." Bobby declared casually as he fearlessly opened the door, leaving Sam and Gabriel alone in the hallway, and entered the strangely illuminated hospital room.
Dean was sitting there with his hand entwined with Cas's. He was seated in a chair next to the bed, and he was motionless as he started down at Castiel's still broken form.
"A little bit lonely in here." Bobby commented as coolly as he could. The sight actually offset him slightly. Dean was solemnly silent, and that was so unlike the rambunctious man that he knew; it almost seemed wrong for him to be in that state.
Dean's eyes slowly shifted from Cas to Bobby. His eyes were glassy and bright, but there was still that hidden sorrow hidden in the thick of their green forest. "Hey, Bobby." His voice sounded like an echo, hollow and meaningless.
"You look awful, kid. Why don't you go out? Me and those other two idjits can look after him." Bobby motioned briefly to Cas with his hand.
"I can't leave him." Dean muttered as if he had repeated it a thousand times.
"You're going to. That's an order, son. You're going out of this hospital before you lose your mind." Bobby demanded somewhat aggressively. Sometimes a little bit of force was necessary if it was for the right reason.
Dean looked from Cas to Bobby and then back again. He wanted to stay with Castiel, but there was not really any saying no to Bobby once he ordered you to do something. "Maybe you're right." He sighed before agreeing reluctantly. "Maybe I need a bit of time away."
Bobby nodded. "I'm always right, idjit. I'm old. You should listen to me more often." He joked as he gave Dean a pat on the back. "Go to the most obnoxiously happy place you can think of - one that just makes you want to puke."
"Thanks, Bobby. I'll keep that in mind." Dean replied as he left the room with only one final glance back at Castiel. I'll come back, Cas. I promise.
Sam had gone with Dean for moral support while Gabriel and Bobby had stayed with Cas. Dean refused to leave Cas on his own, and Gabriel agreed. Even if he was not conscious, he was still Castiel. He still feared being alone, so they refused to let that happen.
Sam did not know where Dean was taking him. It was a vaguely familiar drive, as if he had been there a thousand times before, but it was strangely unfamiliar. He wondered if he should even be letting Dean drive considering all that he had going on in his mind. Dean had broken down just the other day and ended up flipping over a couple of tables in the cafeteria after the doctor had told him that Cas had an even slimmer chance of waking up. The doctor said that every day that Cas spent in a coma decreased his chances of waking up. It took nearly an hour to calm Dean down after that. He had been eating lunch when the doctor told him, and he had tried to control himself, but he lost it and ended up flipping a few tables. Sam had to pull him away, and it took quite a bit of coercing from him and Gabriel to convince Dean that Cas was going to be okay.
Dean's driving was surprisingly steady. He was solemnly silent with his eyes locked on the road, but there was some kind of distant look behind his eyes. He seemed absent, and for a moment, Sam questioned if Dean knew where they were going. He debated asking him, but he wondered if that would do any good. Dean seemed to have a set destination, even if he did not know it.
Everything became more familiar once they arrived at their destination. It took Sam a moment, but he undoubtedly recognized the place. They were at the cliff that dipped over the lake. The Impala came to a stop right next to a large tree. Memories began to wash over Sam. Sam and Dean had come there often as kids. They used to climb the very tree that they were parked next to. They used to play hide and go seek in the neighboring trees. Some nights they would just sit there with a popsicle or some ice cream and just talk about life. Sam had been an imaginative kid. He had hopes; he had dreams. He had dreamed of making a world without suffering - a world "where everybody's happy all the time!" as his energetic five year old self had put it. Sam had not gone to that cliff since the night that John beat him. It felt like a ghost town of memories and times long lost. Now, he had returned to the place that contained all of his childish hopes and dreams, but he had returned for Dean. Dean choose the place for a reason, and Sam began to wonder why.
"I remember this place." Sam began experimentally. He did not want to upset Dean, so he tried to be as mellow as he could.
"Yeah. Me too." Dean replied blankly as he opened the front door and left the Impala. Sam followed his lead as he too exited the car, only to find Dean propped up against the driver's side of the Impala, taking the whole place in. There was a strange melancholy air surrounding the cliff that was accompanied by a reverent silence. It was strangely peaceful, but yet there still seemed to be something wrong with the entire atmosphere.
"This is a nice place." Sam tried to get Dean to talk about anything that was not Cas. He had come to make sure that Dean got his mind off of his comatose boyfriend, and he wanted to make sure that he accomplished that goal.
"Yeah. It is." Dean replied mechanically.
"We used to come here all of the time, remember?" Sam gently pushed him to pick up the conversation.
Dean was silent as the memories of summer nights with his little brother began to swarm his mind. "Oh. Yeah, I remember that."
"You used to make me climb that tree over there." Sam said as he motioned towards the large tree that they were parked next to.
Dean's gaze focused on the tree. Sam had not intended to, but he had just motioned to the tree that was intended to make Dean happy. It had that carving of the ridiculously fluffy cat licking an oversized ice cream cone. The image made a ghost of a smile emerge on Dean's face. The thought of Cas hunched over as he tried to remedy Dean's past with a little carving was a sweet image, and Dean enjoyed it. The good memory soon began to fade as he remembered where Castiel was at the moment.
"He should be here." Dean blurted out an almost completely random statement.
Sam knew who Dean was talking about. He knew that there had to be some reason other than a trip down memory lane that Dean had chosen that spot. It had to have something to do with Cas. "I know, Dean." Sam responded gently. "But he's not here right now. You have to accept that. I'm here right now. We can talk about something else, anything else." He tried to keep a steady voice, but he found that his emotions began to creep into his voice and make it sound almost pleading.
Dean nodded. "You're right. When he wakes up, I'll take him here again, but for now It's just you and me." He pulled his gaze away from the tree to focus it on Sam.
Relief swept over Sam as Dean spoke. He had gotten through to him. "And he will be happy to come here with you. I'm sure of it, but for now…" Sam broke off as he walked over to Dean and propped himself against the side of the car beside his brother . "It's just like the good old days."
"You mean like the time we saw a stray puppy out here, and you thought it was a wolf." Dean teased his younger brother lightly.
"Dude, I was five." Sam defended himself.
"Yeah, but you were so afraid. You just clung onto me, and you were crying. 'Dean! There's a wolf out there!'" Dean mocked Sam theatrically with a whiny high pitched voice.
"I did not sound like that, Dean." Sam shook his head in amusement as a genuine smile filed his face.
"Oh yeah, you did." Dean lifted his eyebrows as he let out a bemused chuckle. "You used to have the tiniest little voice-"
"Yeah, well you used to have a pillow pet." Sam interjected in a lightly teasing voice. "What was his name again…?"
"I don't know what you're talking about, Sam." Dean feigned ignorance.
"Mr. Snuffles… No.. Ahah!" Sam declared triumphantly. "Mr. Snuggles!" He spoke in the weirdest, mushiest voice he could manage, and then he burst out in laughter.
"There's nothing funny about a kid and his stuffed animal." Dean pretended to get defensive, when in reality he almost laughed with Sam.
"It is when the kid takes him everywhere with him." Sam replied with a devilish grin.
"That's an over-exaggeration." Dean said as he waved a dismissive hand at Sam. "At least I did not sneak a dog into school and tell people that it was my baby brother." He countered.
Sam tilted his head back as he let out a large laugh. "You know, most of them actually believed me."
Dean shared Sam's laugh. "Of course they did. You were a clever kid. You could have tricked those kids into thinking you were some kind of God."
"Maybe, but remember when I told them that you were my dad…" Sam went on and on excitedly, and Dean played along. His worldly troubles were forgotten for a while as he relived his past joys with his beloved brother.
Gabriel was sitting next to Cas in the chair that Dean usually claimed. It had taken a bit of effort to heave himself into the chair because of his crutches, but he had managed. Bobby was outside the room, impatiently waiting for Dean and Sam to return considering that Gabriel had left him all alone in a hospital hallway. Gabriel felt bad for doing that, but he wanted to talk to Cas. He had never been alone with his brother since the accident. Dean was nearly constantly at his side, and Gabriel himself had been wrapped up in treatments and physical therapy. Now he had a chance to talk to Castiel in private.
"Hey, Cassie." He began, almost awkwardly in a hushed voice. "I know it's been a while, and I'm really sorry for that, but I… I just miss talking to you, and I kind of wanted to try it again while I've got the chance.
"There's something I've got to say, and I've had to say it for a while now. I…" Gabriel had wanted to tell Cas his thoughts for a while, but he still did not know how to phrase them properly. "I'm sorry that I let you get hit. I should have been there. I should have stopped it. It… It really should have been me that got hit. You didn't deserve that. I shouldn't have been so focused on hurting Michael because I know you don't like watching me hurt people, especially family, but… Cas… Michael isn't family anymore. I'm sorry, but he's not." Gabriel's voice became drenched in sorrow as he spoke.
"I wish I could change it. I wish he wanted to be a part of our family. I wish he was still the brother we once knew, but he's not, and I know you don't want to accept that, but I needed to tell you. He's gone, Cassie. Thing is, he's been gone for a while now, and you refused to believe that. I… I should have kept you away from him. Dean was right. Nothing good could come from Michael. I want you to understand that, okay? I don't want you going after Michael. I don't want you to say that it wasn't his fault because it was. There's no hiding that, Cas!" Gabriel's anger began to build as he ranted on.
"There's no pretending that he didn't mean it because he made it clear what he meant! You can't make excuses for him now! There is no excuse for what he did, and I don't think there ever was. I just wanted to believe there was." Gabriel's voice began to drop back down to its normal volume as his eyes drifted down towards the ground. "Michael's gone. I can't lose you too, Cassie. Me, Sammy, Dean-o - we're all waiting for you. We're your family. We don't need Michael. You have us, and we're here, but we need you too. We need you back… I need you back." His voice was barely more than a whisper when he finished. His eyes lifted up towards Cas as he stared intently at Cas's slowly healing face. "Please, Cassie." He muttered as his hand flew to Castiel's to give it a tight squeeze.
Gabriel left to go to a physical therapy session when Dean and Sam got back. Bobby was still waiting outside of the hospital room because he thought it was "creepy as hell to see a man like that."
Dean entered the room after asking Bobby and Sam to wait outside. They both willingly complied. Dean walked into that room with some kind of mission, and neither Sam nor Bobby wanted to interfere with that.
He perfunctorily sat himself down in the chair that Gabriel had been using earlier. "Hey, Cas. I went to the cliff today. Sam and I had a good time, but seeing your carving there got me thinking…" He bit his lip as he worked over his word choices carefully. This was important, and he wanted to say it right.
"We've been together a long time, Cas, and… I… I miss you right now. I miss you more than I've ever missed anything before, and that's kind of given me a certain appreciation for you. I want you back, and when you do come back, I want you back forever. I don't want to lose you again. We can get married if that's what you want. I know it's what I want, but it's up to you. If you want, we can get that house by the lake. I'd sell anything I've got just to move in the with you. Hell, we could get a cat - even ten. I don't care how swamped we are in cats; I could drown in them for all I care. As long as you're happy, I'm happy. I'll take allergy meds, and it'll be fine. You can name them too. I know you love that. We'd get the really fluffy ones - your favorites. I… I just want to spend my life with you, Cas. I don't care how. I know our dream would be amazing, and I would give anything to give it to you, but I'd be happy just to have you back. That's all I really want."
Dean muttered the last sentence as he yawned. He had not slept for two days because of the doctor's recent announcement, and he was quite tired. He now edged himself onto the bed and curled up against Cas, breathing in his fading scent. He closed his eyes and let himself synchronize his breathing with Castiel's. The soft steady beating of his beloved's heart soothed Dean into a dreamless slumber.