MWAHAHAHAHA! Did you fall for it guys? Haha, I mislead you into thinking Fae would be staying on Tenrou, but nooooo...I never back down from a challenge! I just hope I can now live up to your expectations. This chapter may be a little dark and there will be several more like it, however I really want to explore the possibilities for Fae's depression etc. Anyway, enjoy!
Their voices were fuzzy in my head and I couldn't understand them. In all honesty, I didn't want to. Why did I feel like there was a huge chunk of my heart now missing? Was I forgetting something in the deep blackness I had sunk into? It were as if all memory were snatched away from me but in all honesty, I didn't want the memories back. Why would I? There must have been too much pain for me to want to remember if they are all gone now. I'm happier here, in the blackness, where it's safe and no one can hurt me any longer. Where the memories are more like distant echoes which cannot be translated.
"Fae? Fae...wake up..." No, I don't want to. Leave me be whoever you are. Leave me alone to my sweet black peace, where dreams are void and nightmares mean nothing. Let me sleep for eternity in the bliss of oblivion.
"Fae...please...hear me?" I can't hear anyone. Or anything. Is this the point after death where you float wonderingly in limbo with the echoes of loved ones still following you? Please let me move onto heaven. I can't live anymore, I'm too tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of hiding. I'm tired of everything and how no matter how hard I try, happiness is a completion that evades me, like a missing piece of my soul which refuses to be found. Let me drift away and fade into nothing where I cannot be hurt and will not hurt others. "Don't leave me...don't...alone..." Alone? Is that how someone feels? I almost want to reach out to them and give them comfort, however that would mean leaving this black oblivion. I'm safe here. Why would I want to leave? Even if I am dead or dying, what reason is there to continue fighting?
Especially since...since...I remember now. I remember that light, the dragon...my friends...could I hear them screaming in agony? I can't remember that much. The memory is mute and all I can see is that huge black beast as it destroys my few threads of happiness. My friends. It ripped them from me and the wounds are now bleeding painfully and freely. Why is there so much pain? Why can't it fade away and leave people be, what purpose does it have in life? What is the point of pain if it only destroys? Oh god...they're all dead...I should have died alongside them. Why is life so cruel?! Let me die now, I have to die so that I can be with them! They need to understand that I wanted to be by their sides, that I didn't mean to abandon them!
"Calm down Fae, it's alright now." I heard someone's voice, I could understand them. "You're safe now. It's not your fault. Nothing is your fault." They sound so warm and familiar, I could feel a golden light appearing before my eyes as it blossomed in the darkness like a flower among ashes. "You have to live for them Fae, live so that they may live through you." I have to live? Really? Is that acceptable? Even when I wasn't with them when they needed me most, it's acceptable for me to continue on without them? I wouldn't have thought so, but the way the voice says it almost makes me believe it's true.
Grief is a torturous thing. I cannot decide whether or not the voice is right or wrong. To live, or to die. Which should I choose? Do I even have that choice? Is it mine to make? Stuck here in this blackness, I can't even remember how I got here. All I can remember is that horrifying moment when I felt my heart being ripped from me to leave me broke and shallow within. "Don't forget about us, Fae. There's still a Fairy Tail and all it's members. We need you now more than ever. We need your strength. Please, don't give up!" Tears. I could feel someone's tears. I even reached up to my face and felt them on my cheek. The voice was young and much more familiar. Romeo...it was Romeo who was crying. "Don't leave me alone now big sis. I still need you here!" He wailed, gripping onto me tightly as the golden light suddenly enshrouded me with warmth and a seeming comfort.
Yes. He's right. I can't abandon the rest of my guild now. Although I feel as heavy as the earth I must try. I have to try for Romeo and the others. Macao, Wakaba, Jett and Droy...we have to stick together.
But...it was still my fault. The others were dead because I wasn't strong enough to protect them. Even as the light entered it's final blinding stage and my eyes opened, tears slid down my cheeks as I felt Romeo sobbing into me, gripping tightly onto the sheets as others stood around my battered form, heavily bandaged and weak. "Fae!" Instantly they were all looking at me with wide eyes and Romeo lifted his head, looking at me with the most pained expression I had ever seen. "How you holding up Fae?" Macao asked me gently, reaching out however before his hand could touch my shoulder I looked away and turned over as best I could, facing my back to them.
I didn't deserve their pity. They should all hate me for what happened. I wouldn't blame them if they kicked me out of the guild now. Maybe I should just leave, I don't deserve anything. I'm a failure, I've always been a failure and I will be so for the rest of my life. "Okay, we'll leave you alone for a little while. Just don't try and get up or anything, you're still severely injured." Macao warned, placing his hand instead on Romeo's shoulder and gently pulled him away, ushering everyone else out of the room to leave me with the empty silence.
Why is there so much pain? What is the point to it?
Questions rolled around in my head until I was sobbing quietly into my pillow, desperately trying to drown out the sound however each sob only hurt me more until finally I blacked out once more. It was an endless cycle from then on. I would awake rarely, cry, then fall back asleep. Only rarely did I wake up when someone was helping me to eat and drink but I never spoke to them. Even when I was awake I ignored anyone who came to see me, unable to face them without the guilt crushing against my chest. When is it all going to end? The pain...the grief...the sorrow...it's almost as if it had been written into my destiny from the very beginning. Do I only exist to suffer? Perhaps. Even so, I deserve it all. I deserve the pain and the grief. The depressed feelings and endless circle of negativity. The guild doesn't need me, no one does. I'm just a bad luck charm. A mistress of misfortune. It would be better for everyone if I just left. Otherwise...they too might be hurt.