From the desk of Bnjwl:

A/N: Today has kicked my ass and I'm really tired so I will just thanks for being here, thanks for reading, and thanks for your reviews. As always thanks to our pre readers ttharman, mamadog93, lvtwilight09 and especially to Edward's Eternal for her mad beta skills.

I know you all want to kill Renee and trust me I think you all will be happy with what we do. I hope so anyway. The rest of you seem to understand why they both do what they do. That means so much to us, we strive to write real characters that you all can relate to. That to me is a huge compliment that you do, in fact, relate to them and understand them. So, again, thanks!

Chapter 5

I performed at the final dance of the year; I had finally made the Prima for my school. All my work and effort had paid off. It thrilled me that I had the title of Prima under my belt for the dance troupes I would apply for this summer. I knew that it would help my status and positions there.

After a flawless dance, I convinced Renee, with Charlie's help, to allow me to attend a Graduation party. I convinced her to let me go out even though I would have to fly out tomorrow morning to audition in Paris again. This would be the second year that I would dance with the French troupe and I was so excited. I felt like I had the world by the strings and couldn't wait to command it. Well…almost. I still had the problem of my severe depression because I missed Edward. He was everything to me, he allowed me to be me and I missed him. The conflict of emotions came out by way of my binges and purges. I lost more weight, and I noticed that the girls no longer complimented me but that they whispered about me behind my back. Mademoiselle and Renee both seemed happy so I didn't let it get to me. I went to the party determined to have a good time before I left behind all I knew to travel the world.

I knew from the moment I stepped through the front door that Edward was here. I watched him from afar: he had kept his distance since that night at my house. It killed me that he did, but it was what I asked for, so it shouldn't surprise me that he did it.

He looked amazing. After all the years of our friendship, I noticed the small things, he was thinner and his eyes didn't hold the same amount of happiness that they did years before. But I heard the rumors and congratulations that people gave him for the fact that he landed the national tour and record contract. It hurt me that he didn't tell me that himself. Then I remembered that it was me that pushed him away at the beginning of the year. So in a way it was my own fault that I didn't know. I sort of followed him around and pretended not to notice him as I moved from room to room. It worked for awhile.

That was until our gazes met across the room. He beckoned me with his eyes but my heart had already begun to move to him. He patted his leg and I sat without question. We talked, we kissed and before I knew it, I begged for more from him. At least inside my mind I did. He must have felt the same because we ended up alone in the pool house. How we got there I had no idea. He walked and I followed, we were like magnets.

He kissed me and I felt his new tongue ring. I loved the way it felt as it pressed against my tongue. I imagined how it would feel pressed against other parts of me. I squirmed as those thoughts passed through my head. Edward took it as encouragement and pulled me over so that I straddled his lap. I felt his erection and pressed down onto it. His hands undressed and worshiped me. He felt so warm and safe. I knew without a doubt that I loved him as he moved over me.

When his bare skin touched mine I felt like I would burst into flames. I felt his love, I felt his need and felt how perfect we were together. I also felt his regret for the way our lives turned out. It was evident in the reverent way he touched me. I had always felt his pull for his music and knew without a doubt that no matter what happened here tonight, we would both go back to our own routines, our own vices; our own lives come tomorrow morning.

It was alright with me because I had him for this one moment in time. It was me that made him feel this way, it was me that made him moan and push against me harder.

He was slow as he entered me for the first time, my first time. He whispered sweet words to me. He told me that it was his first time as well, that he waited for me, and he told me how long he had loved me. How much he wanted and dreamed about this moment. He told me how fucking good I felt wrapped around him, which only made me want him all the more.

I urged him deeper, and pushed on his naked ass until he sped up. We found our rhythm together. His hands touched me and pushed my body to feel things it had never felt before, his words encouraged me to let go and enjoy our time together.

I shifted my hips and he hit the elusive spot that I had heard of but never experienced before. I exploded around him and he followed right behind me.

He was way too sweet to me as we showered. He tried not to look at my body and this left me conflicted. Part of me wanted him to look and the other part of me didn't. I wanted him to see me and to want me but I was so scared that I didn't measure up to other girls. He brought me his shirt and I felt like the Queen of the world wrapped in it. We fell asleep wrapped around each other, it was perfection.

I awoke alone and semi dressed. I heard my dad as he shouted in the yard outside the pool house and knew that I was in deep shit. I had stayed out all night. I disobeyed Renee.

Edward was nowhere in sight, in fact there wasn't even a sign that he had even been there. If it weren't for the fact that I wore only his shirt I would have assumed that it was all a dream. I needed to get my clothes on before anyone came in. I didn't want anyone else to see me like this; this was only for Edward, and I only shared this part of myself with him. I fumbled around and grabbed what I could find. I saw my shirt and skirt, the most important parts.

My breasts were small so I could do without the bra and no one would know that I walked away without any underwear on, so I threw on the parts that I found as fast as I could and laid back down to appear that I had just fallen asleep to explain why I was gone all night. Charlie yanked open the door and I passed my hands over my body to make sure that I now had all of my clothes in place. They felt normal so I sat up and rubbed my sleepy eyes for effect.

Charlie looked relieved to see me and pulled me up off of the bed for a hug. I don't know if he had any idea what took place but either way I disobeyed my mother because I had stayed out all night. I expected some punishment.

"Bella, you scared the shit out me and your mother. I have been looking for you for almost an hour." He wrapped his large hand around my shoulders and gently pulled me towards the door. I felt so confused, he had just found me, asleep in a pool house and yet he wasn't angry. It was probably a stupid move but I couldn't help but ask him about it.

"I…I'm not in trouble?" I managed to stutter.

"Trouble? Hell no, you've been an excellent child, never done anything like this before. I think if you decide to spend your last night as a student at a wild party and fall asleep, not driving home in who knows what condition, who am I to yell at you?" His eyes crinkled at the corners and I knew that he was about to reveal a fact about himself as a teenager. He looked the appropriate amount of ashamed and proud as he explained. "Hell, I had done worse at so much younger, so no, you're not in trouble. At all!" He took a deep breath and let it out. "Now let's get you home before your mother has a stroke." He hugged me to him as we walked back towards the main house. I followed him out and was assaulted by my mother right away.

Last night she made it clear that we had an early flight to catch and she demanded that I get home before ten. I heard my dad in the background as he told her to let me stay out later but she wouldn't budge. At the time I agreed with her and intended to head home, but that was until I saw Edward in the corner. After that all bets were off. I threw caution to the wind and did what I wanted. I was eighteen years old and had never even been to a party that wasn't thrown by my dance troupe or one that wasn't chaperoned by my mother, so I thought that I deserved to stay out this one time.

She narrowed her eyes at me as she took me in. She knew what had happened last night, now the only question was…did she know with whom? I was not surprised when she marched across the small space and pulled me by the wrist like I was an unruly child that she needed to discipline. She didn't let my hand go until I was back in the car with her-obviously my dad would drive my car home- she let my hand go when her phone rang and she needed to answer it. I jerked my arm back into my lap and wondered where the hell Edward went. I found it hard to believe that he would leave me after last night but he wasn't with me when I woke up so I had no idea what to make of that. I was so confused.

We got home and I rushed to get things together so we could leave for the airport. Renee walked into my room and watched as I rushed around. She began to condemn me and talked about how stupid I was if I were willing to throw away all my hard work for one night of partying. I listened and answered appropriately while I showered, changed and gathered my bag to head to the airport.

I kissed my dad and he wished me good luck.

The drive to Seattle was quiet and it made me miss Edward. I could still feel his hands on me and his lips as they ghosted across my skin. I missed the way he made me feel, the things he did to my body, I missed it all. And it was without a doubt clear to me that I loved him. For all the things he had done for me and the unconditional love that he gave me, from the first day we met to last night.

I just prayed that I could reconnect with him when I got back from Paris. When I was an adult and could make my own decisions without Renee's input. I would finally be able to choose him without feeling like I had to give anything else up.

When I woke up on the airplane, I remembered that I had just spent the best night of my life, wrapped up with Edward. We finally admitted to each other that we were in love. Not just friends like I told myself, but love. He felt for me what I felt for him. I thought back on the night and could still feel his touch on my skin. His lips on mine and his body pressed against me. I tingled all over and it was hard to tell if it was from the excitement of knowing that he felt the same as me or if it was the left over sensations of the night.

I had to let it all go for now and prepare for the auditions. I knew that after what we shared he would find a way to contact me. He knew how to get in touch with Jessica and she would pass me a message. I prayed that he would find me.

I danced my heart out each day at practice and then each night for our performances. I had never received so much praise from Mademoiselle before. She doted over me and it felt nice. Renee had even loosened up a little and I was given some freedom. Maybe because we were in Paris and Edward wasn't, who knew. I didn't question it.

Twice Jessica came to me to speak to me and each time Renee would show up so Jessica would pretend that it was nothing. I prayed that it meant that Edward had tried to contact me. I would wait Renee out, at some point I would be alone and Jessica could tell me what she really needed to tell me. It seemed that every single time Jessica approached me, Renee was there. Renee seemed to know that Jessica was my last link to Edward and was bound and determined to keep us apart as best as she could! Little did I know that my last line would get severed when Jessica's dad had a massive heart attack and she returned home at the end of summer. I felt lost and hopeless without her. Not that she was ever that close of a friend, she was just my last line to him.

Renee thought she could keep me away from Edward, that we were no good for each other. What she didn't know was that I spent each and every night with thoughts of Edward in my head, and all the things we had done and said to each other that night. It was something she couldn't take away from me.

Three months had gone by since our graduation party and I had no idea where Edward was. My hope waned a little but I still wanted to believe that he loved me. That he wanted us to be together. I had to hold on to that belief. I had to, he was all I had. I went to bed and tried to remember that night one more time for my sanity.

The next morning I heard voices and sat straight up. The voices were indistinguishable but I knew deep down this was not good. The mere tone alone told me this and the other part that scared me was that I was alone.

I clued in on my mother's phone conversation when it seemed she spoke of Edward in vague terms. "He won't bother her again; he couldn't even be bothered to admit what he had done to her. He just told me how good she was, that's all." I stepped out of my room and into the living room to hear her better, she slapped her hand against her thigh and sneered at me when my face paled at her words. "Can you believe that Charlie?" My father spoke through the phone but I couldn't understand what he said. After a few minutes Renee hung up and I sat down. I knew that I wanted to question her about the phone call but I needed to sit to hear the answer. It would hurt me so bad if he had said anything about me, or decided that I wasn't what he wanted. "Why did you and daddy talk about Edward?" Renee sneered at me again.

"Well, Bella, he was interviewed and asked about his many women. He said he had plenty so he never got attached. So the reporter said that she interviewed him before and at that time he said he had a girlfriend that he grew up with. She asked him about you, I assumed it was you, and she said that she was just a fling and meant nothing to him. That he had grown past that childish thing." My face paled and I almost passed out. Renee took the chance to give her 'I told you so' speech. "Bella, I told you that you needed to move on from him. That he would never amount to the caliber of performer that you would and eventually he would tire of trying to be good enough for you. So, now." She tapped the table as she spoke. "Here it is in print, now will you believe me?" I just nodded and left the room.

I just wanted to crawl into a small hole and die. I gave him all of me, my heart, my soul and my virginity and he treated me like a groupie that he could just discard after his night of fun. I felt so used and cheap. I wanted to hate Edward but I knew that his new lifestyle probably had more to do with his change than anything else. I was certain that I would never trust him with my heart again. And part of me wanted to deny it was the truth, but on what basis? For all that my mother had done to me, to lie to me was something she had never done.

I shut off my emotions and stumbled through a shower as my parents yelled at each other by phone over my mistake. I just tuned them out and quickly got dressed. I acted like it was just a normal day with a normal practice. In fact I told myself that it was like any other day, nothing different. I said it enough by the end of the day that I almost believed it that night when I closed my eyes and I saw Edward's face. Almost.

I danced and tried my hardest, it was enough for now. Life settled into a normal routine, I woke up, ate very little, danced for hours on end, and then ate another small meal then dropped into bed after several hours of practice for the next day.

During the day I told myself I was fine but each night I cried myself to sleep and missed Edward with all of my broken heart. I ached for him and would touch my body the exact ways he did. I hoped to recreate our night but nothing came close, I just felt alone, empty and cold. My hands were all wrong, they were too small, too chilly and didn't have the same touch as his guitar roughened hands did. No matter how hard I worked at it, it was never the same.

My heart and head argued with each other. My heart said that he never would have said those words to me if he didn't mean them. Edward was not a liar, he just wouldn't have said it at all. I knew he felt something, I just didn't know how deeply or if my mother had succeeded in pulling us apart again.

My head told me he got what he wanted and ducked out when he was done. I mean, what else could I think since he wasn't there with me the next morning. He didn't care enough about me to stay and try to fight with my mother for me to stay with him in Forks. This line of thinking just left me feeling emotionally exhausted and alone. So I gave up and went to bed.

The next morning I woke up at a little after six. I jumped out of bed and ran to Renee's room to check on her. She always woke me up and I knew that something must be wrong since she hadn't come to do the same this morning. I found her huddled in the bathroom around the pretty white porcelain toilet. She looked like she had spent most of the night there. I helped her get back in bed, called for some broth and tea from room service as I dressed and made my way to rehearsal.

Exactly three days later I woke up in the middle of the night and repeated the same week that Renee had the week before. Vomiting, fever, more vomiting and then to top it all off, a little more vomiting. The stomach bug ran through the whole troupe so we cancelled rehearsal for two weeks to let everyone get well again and to not spread it any longer.

Three weeks later I still vomited off and on. Renee worried that I had weakened my immune system and would not be able to shake the bug, which translated to the fact that I would be replaced because I couldn't dance without incident. So she took me to the doctor's office. I was dropped off while she went to try to talk to Mademoiselle and convince her that I would be fine and could dance without any further problems.

At first I was afraid without her with me but then when the doctor delivered my diagnosis I was thrilled that she wasn't with me. Because I knew she would have wrapped her hands around my neck and choked the living daylights out of me, right then and there. Then she would hunt down Edward Masen because he had gotten me pregnant and walked away from me. I dreaded when I had to tell her and Mademoiselle but deep down inside I was thrilled, I knew that this was the beginning of the end.

I could be free now, I would find Edward tell him and we could be together. Then the next thought threw me into a tailspin, what if he didn't want a baby? I mean his career had just taken off and now I would saddle him with this?

I just had to have faith that he would still love me and our baby.

I walked out of the clinic on cloud nine, I always wanted to be a mother but assumed that dream had died when I became serious about my ballet. Most women who put their bodies through the years of training and weight control usually had trouble conceiving, so I just figured it was no longer an option.

The fact that the stars aligned and I became pregnant with the man that I loved most in the world, when it was almost impossible for me to do that…well, it made me all the more determined to keep the baby, even if Edward didn't want any part of us. I mean such a gift from God, for a person who has been told that it would be all but impossible to conceive, it was too good to be true. I would guard this baby with my life and love it with every ounce of strength that I had.

When I got back to the apartment I would call Edward and tell him, if he chose to come and get us then great, if not then fine. I would live on the money I had made so far and we would be fine. Suddenly life seemed so much better now and I couldn't wait to live it out.

A/N: Um...yeah...I'll be hiding...but remember we asked you to trust us...and remember we're both HEA gals;)

See ya Monday!

Kyla