Finally! Chapter 10! Enjoy! :)

When Izaya opened his eyes the next morning, he just stared at the ceiling for quite a time. He felt too weak to move. Too drained. He thought about the last evening and everything that had happened. How warm he had felt with Shizuo in his arms. How the blonde had seemed to fit so perfectly in his embrace. Just how right it had felt. Izaya quietly giggled. He had been so happy, he had felt so content. As he remembered how fast his heart had beaten, Izaya shivered slightly. How nervous and scared he had been. Afraid that Shizuo would push him away. Leave him forever.

'I want to break up with Psyche'

That one sentence echoed in his head over and over again. There was nothing else, just these seven words.
As much happiness as all of that brought, it also scared him. The doubts whether Shizuo would even want him returned and this time, without Shizuo in his arms, they completely overtook his mind. Burying every glimpse of happiness beneath them. Izaya felt cold. He tried to snuggle deeper into his covers but it did not help. This type of coldness wasn't physically. It came from deep inside the brunette. And Izaya was sure that it would not go away for quite a while. Maybe only if he once again held his love in his arms. Maybe not even then.

Izaya could soon feel tears rolling down his cheeks. He tightly shut his eyes and squeezed his hands to fists. Everything was just so unfair. Not only had Psyche been together with Izaya's love, but he had now also ruined all of Izaya's chances to ever be with the blonde. Shizuo would not want someone exactly like Psyche again. Izaya and Psyche were just too similar.

In moments like this Izaya was just so envious. So jealous. Psyche always took everything from him. Always. He was always the one to get everything. Izaya had sometimes tried to think of something, anything that he had gotten before his twin. Something he had, that the other had not.

Friends.
Izaya had only gotten people who care about him yesterday. He wasn't even sure if he could already call them his friends. Psyche on the other hand had had friends all his life. Even though Izaya was sure that a lot of Psyche's friends only liked him because the brunette was popular, the girls probably because he was cute, he couldn't help but be jealous. Izaya was sure that Shinra and Kadota would be the best friends someone could wish for. He could wish for.

Parents.
Although Izaya knew that he theoretically had parents, he never actually felt like he had them. They did not treat him like their son, so it was hard to see them as his parents. Unlike Izaya, Psyche had been loved by his parents the second he came to life. Earlier even. Not only when he had actually been born but already when his parents knew there was life growing inside their mother's stomach. The moment they knew Psyche existed they showered him with love.
Of course Izaya had been there too but he had been way smaller, weaker. He had already been outshone by his twin; he had already been hidden behind the other. Even the big machines at the hospital had not worked detailed enough to detect the little being. They had only detected one baby. Psyche. Or maybe they just didn't want to see him. Maybe they had hoped he would just disappear if they pretended he wasn't there.

Sisters.
Izaya had not been allowed to see his sisters until they had been brought home with his mother. Three weeks after they had been born. They had had to stay in the hospital for such a long time because they had been born by C-section. They had been weak at first but in the end both of them pulled trough. Izaya had been so very excited when he had heard the news of his sister's birth. And he had been devastated when his father had told him that he wasn't allowed to see them. Izaya had been confused. Everybody had been allowed to see them. Even the neighbors had already seen his little sisters. His.
His father had told him that he would wreck them, infect them with his demon soul. Izaya had been too small to really get what his father was telling him, he just knew that he was blaming him. It was his own fault once again. He had felt sad and confused. Even Psyche had been allowed to see them.

Love.
Love was one of the things Psyche had gotten more than enough of in every way possible. Everyone loved him. His mother. His father. His sisters. Aunts, Uncles, cousins. He even got love from Izaya. The red eyed teen couldn't help but love his brother. He always told himself it was just because of the special relationship twins shared. Psyche was also admired and loved by every person around him.
And then there was Shizuo. Of course Shizuo loved Psyche. Had loved. But still, Psyche had gotten all the love Izaya had always wanted. If the other had… would just share. There would still be enough for both of them. Still enough so that they both could be happy. Only a little bit would be enough.
Izaya only wanted… needed Shizuo.
Izaya was sure that if the blond teen was his he would not need anything else. Just Shizuo would be enough.

Izaya suddenly froze, eyes and mouth opened wide. There was one thing he had gotten… experienced before his twin. Something he had been first in. Something Psyche could not take away from him. Never. It was his. His to treasure. His twin had gotten second behind him. Izaya was first. He had beat his twin.

Sex.
Izaya had had sex before Psyche. The other was still a virgin after all. Of course Izaya was not actually proud that he had been ripped off his virginity at such a young age, but the feeling of victory over Psyche just won him over. And after all the most important thing was not the act as it was but rather the one he did it with. The most important thing was…
It had been with Shizuo.
Izaya had had sex with Shizuo. Psyche had not. Izaya had been first. For Once.

Izaya allowed himself a small smile even though he knew that he should not be happy about stuff like that, it seemed so egoistic but he just couldn't help himself. He had been together with Shizuo in such a special way and Psyche just… hadn't. The thought brought a strange but welcome warm feeling to his chest. It felt nice. The feeling of victory.

Izaya stayed like that for a long time, staring at the ceiling with a small smile gracing his lips, his body comfortably hidden beneath the covers. He thought about everything Shizuo had said the night before. Retelling every word.

'It's just not the same anymore.'

What exactly did the blonde mean with that? What had changed? Or had he maybe just met someone else and didn't want to tell Izaya, afraid that he would tell Psyche.
Of course Izaya would never do something like that. Not if it would hurt Shizuo. Izaya was sure he would never be able to hurt the other. He was too precious, too important.

Izaya frowned as he tried to think of reasons as for why Shizuo would want to end the seemingly perfect relationship. Why he wanted to break up with the boy whose name could have been perfection. But everything he thought of just didn't seem right. Neither Shizuo nor Psyche had really changed recently. So what Shizuo had said made no sense at all. Nothing was different, well not that Izaya could tell.
The couple had also not fought in the last few months. And Psyche was not in love with someone else, Izaya was sure he would have noticed. Psyche would have probably come to him to tell him about it. To brag about it.

Izaya could already feel his eyes water as he reached the reason that was most likely to be true. It made the most sense. It hurt but he had to accept it. Shizuo had met someone else.
Someone other than Psyche, who made his heart race and flip every time he saw the other. Another one he wanted to hive his everything. Someone he wanted to make happy. Someone he loved with all his being. Someone he shared his heart with.

Izaya smiled bitterly at his description of the other's feelings. It sounded so nice… so pure.
But no matter how pretty the words were, they brought so much sadness… to Izaya. It had always hurt to see Psyche and Shizuo together but after time Izaya had somehow learned to accept it. He had accepted the fact that Shizuo would always love Psyche and that he would never have a chance. But now… Now that Shizuo wanted to break up with Psyche, it was just so much harder. Shizuo still didn't love him. There was still someone else.

Izaya started sobbing and buried his head in his hands. Something deep inside of him told him that he wasn't that someone. And he never would be. There would always be someone else. He was just not right for Shizuo. Shizuo would never love him. Never.
Izaya just felt so weak and broken at the moment. It had never been so hard before. Never like this.
He just lay there for minutes, drowning in his miserable state. Too weak to move, too tired to even try to stop crying.

But after a while he actually started to calm down. He lowered his hands from his face and fixed his gaze on the ceiling once more. He let his eyes wander over the pattern. Stars and circles. The ceiling had already been there when they had moved into the house. It was originally made for children but his parents had never bothered to change it.
Izaya raised one finger and slowly traced the stars from afar. He suddenly imagined how nice it would be to look at the stars together with Shizuo. He would not even need the real stars. Just these stars on his ceiling would be enough, as long as he got to watch them with Shizuo.

Izaya weakly shook his head. He really had to stop that.
He did not want to get up, he couldn't. His body wouldn't move. He was drained. Completely. No energy left. Yesterday had been way too stressful. Too much had happened. Sure a lot of good things had happened too. Kadota and Shinra had comforted him. He had met the nice nurse. Shizuo had told him that he didn't love Psyche anymore. He had been kiss-

Izaya sat up in a flash. He was frozen, eyes wide as he slowly raised a hand to his lips. He had completely forgotten about that. How could he? Izaya closed his eyes as he recalled the moment.
The other teen's lips had been so soft… so gentle. He had called him beautiful too. He was the first to ever say that. A weird feeling rose in Izaya's chest. It made him feel warm but it also made him so uneasy at the same time. He decided he didn't like it.

As he recalled the kiss once more he felt a weird tingle in his lips and he was sure he was blushing by now. His face felt so warm. The other's lips had been so different from Shizuo's. They had not been as demanding, not as rough. Izaya had actually felt appreciated and not just used. It had made him feel good in a way but he had just been so confused. Too much had happened.

Izaya heavily shook his head. Why was he thinking about that stupid kiss so much? He had not wanted it. The only person he wanted to kiss was Shizuo! Not just some stranger that he had only just met. Not just someone who looked exactly like Shizuo!
Izaya froze. It was true the other had looked almost exactly like Shizuo. He had the same sharp features, the same blond hair. Only his eyes had been different. Although Izaya actually preferred Shizuo's mocha ones he could not help but find the blue eyes of the Shizuo look alike to be the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. The blue had just been so piercing, so strong. So beautiful.
Izaya had been able to see such deepness in those eyes. He had felt captivated, almost drawn to them.
Izaya suddenly remembered what the other teen had said just before he had kissed him.

'Allow me to make you happy…'

He frowned as he tried to make sense of that. How had the other even been able to tell that he had been that? Had he looked that shaken… that broken? Was he really that bad at hiding his emotions? Even a total stranger had been able to see right through him.
And why would the other even bother, they did not even know each other. Not even the people that were close to Izaya cared. Why would he? It was not normal to just suddenly care for a person you just bumped into. People normally did not do that.

Izaya took a deep breath and hung his head. He was so confused.
He just sat there in silence, trying to organize his thoughts, when he was suddenly aware of the clock ticking in the corner. He suddenly snapped his head up and looked at the time. 7:16. He had overslept. He was late.

He quickly scrambled out of his bed and raced over to his dresser. He pulled out another pair of black pants and a fresh pair of boxers. He hesitated a moment before he grabbed a light blue shirt. He had not worn it for years now but he somehow had the feeling it would be a good choice for the day. He quickly put the clothes on and ran his hand through his hair, trying to flatten it at least a little bit.
When he was finished he stopped moving and just stared at his reflection in the mirror. He looked so different to himself, not wearing only dark colors for once. He kind of liked the blue shirt. It did not make him look as gloomy.
Maybe Shizuo would like it too.

He somehow felt like crying again but he just clenched his fists and shook his head. He had to stop crying. Just for once. He shot a glance at the clock again and when he saw that it was already 7:25
now he quickly went over to his bed to grab his phone. He then trotted over to his desk to get his bag and his jacket.
Before he left the room he stopped in front of the door. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. He wiped at his eyes, afraid that you could still see that he had been crying. After he had rubbed at his eyes long enough to convince himself that nobody would be able to tell that he had been crying he shoved his hands in his pockets and stepped out of the room.
He tried to be as quiet as possible. He did not want to see his family now. He had enough problems at it was. He did not need them to show how much they despised him today. Not now. He had other things on his mind.

When Izaya reached the living room he stopped. Laughter and chattering was coming from the direction of the kitchen once more. His family was eating breakfast… without him.
Izaya weakly shook his head. He was used to this by now. Sure, it still hurt but he couldn't start crying every time. He cried enough already.
Although his mind screamed at him to get going, Izaya just stood there listening for a few minutes.
They were talking about Mairu's and Kururi's birthday. That's right. They would turn twelve in about two weeks.
Izaya cringed. That meant the rest of his family would come to visit. He did not like the rest of his family. Not at all. There were just like his parents and siblings. None of them liked him.
Izaya hung his head as he remembered his fourteens birthday… well Psyche's rather. The whole family had been invited and of course everyone had come. Izaya had not known why but he had been looking forward to their visit. Maybe deep down he had been hoping that he would be given a new chance. That they had changed. That they would finally accept him. Love him.

Of course nothing like that had happened. Izaya had not even met any of them. His parents had yelled at him and then they had locked him in his room. He had been in there the whole weekend. Locked away. Izaya would have stayed in his room on his own if they had just asked but having been locked away like an animal had been too much for him. He had spent the whole weekend crying in his room. Praying to god to just finally help him.
It had also been the very first time that Izaya had thought about killing himself. At that time it seemed almost like a good idea. With one well-placed cut or a strong rope everything could have been over so soon. He would have been free. It would have been so easy.

When he thinks back now he isn't even sure why he had not done it then. He had been alone for a whole weekend, it had been the perfect chance. But Izaya was still alive. He had not killed himself. Maybe he had been too afraid to actually do something. Or maybe somewhere deep inside he had just not given up the hope, that someday his family would love him.

Izaya shook his head. He shouldn't let himself be drowned by his bad memories so early in the morning. He felt cold and weak. He tightened the grip on his jacket, trying to keep him warm at least a little. His eyes were already felt with tears again but through sheer willpower Izaya managed to keep them inside.

Suddenly Izaya could hear chairs being pushed back. His family was done with breakfast; they would leave the kitchen any second now. Izaya did not really know why he panicked so much… but he did.

And without another sound Izaya rushed out of the door.

I'm baaaaaaack! I'm so sorry that it took so long but I'm here now! Well I'm back but this chapter is just... argh. I'm kinda not happy with it, nothing happened. But maybe it's just the calm before the storm.. hehe.. hehehehehe. :D

So anyways I hope you enjoy this chapter! :) Thanks for reading and reviewing! :)
btw, please tell me that 'Why he wanted to break up with the boy whose name could have been perfection.' is officially the dumbest sentence ever. :D

over and out ~