ENTRY H

December 20, 2011

The view outside the window looked like any other at 30,000 feet yet Sarah knew no matter how many times she flew with her boyfriend it always fascinated him. His fun, almost childlike nature for some of the things most people took for granted was one of his most endearing qualities. It was one of the many things about him that had broken down her walls and made her feel human again. This is why she needed to take this journey with him.

Before her arrival in Burbank four years ago, she hated this time of year. Her memories of Christmas were filled with various con jobs that ranged from pick pocketing a wallet from an unsuspecting father who had just cashed his Christmas bonus check to the one she hated the worst; the annual con job on the Salvation Army. Oh it didn't bother her initially as her father had made the cons seem like a game and what eight year old girl didn't want to play games, but as she got older she realized that taking that money actually hurt poor people and other kids just like her. That's when her father first told her that people were suckers because they trusted others.

"Look Sarah there's Mount Hood and over there is Mount Saint Helens and there is the Columbia River," said Chuck the excitement evident in his voice as he looked out the window. She smiled knowing that after four years in the spy game his enthusiasm for the simple things in life hadn't changed.

She knew the land marks by heart since she'd lived there from the time she was born until she was eight years old and although she hadn't been back since her and her father left in 1990, she could still see them clearly if she closed her eyes. The jolt of the plane touching down broke her out of her day dream.

"Welcome to Portland, Oregon. The local time is ten thirty a.m. and thank you for flying Pacific Air."

The weather this time of year was damp and cold just as she remembered it twenty years ago she thought to herself as they put their luggage in the rental car.

It reminded her of her life before Burbank.

This city was her childhood home, but now her real home was sitting in the passenger seat next to her.

"Sarah you don't have to do this you know? Just telling me where you were born was enough for me," he said with a smile as he held her hand. Chuck knew this was going to be hard for her, but everything in Sarah's past seemed to be that way.

"Chuck I know all about you and your family. The house you grew up in and where you went to school. I want to share my past with you and although you don't ask me about it anymore I know you want to know more. Besides I told you it was an early Christmas present," she said smiling at the end.

"I love you Sarah Walker."

"I love you to Chuck Bartowski," she replied as they pulled out of the rental car parking lot.

They drove down the highway and over the Willamette River that separated the east and west sides of the city and took an exit that Chuck mentally noted. He was focused on soaking up everything he could about the city were the love of his life had been born and he didn't want to miss a thing, especially with Sarah and her no camera rule.

The car pulled into the parking lot of an old multi-story building that was no longer in use. The doors and windows were boarded up and the sign out front was almost completely faded, but the word "hospital" could still be seen.

"This used to be Woodland Park Hospital and it's where I was born on April 4, 1982."

Chuck whispered the date to himself multiple times to let the information sink in and then opened the car door and slowly walked toward the building. He stared at it trying to imagine what it was like on that particular day and imagined a very happy mother holding her baby girl for the first time. He looked at her as he felt her arm slip into his.

"So you weren't hatched huh?"

She laughed and slapped him on the arm, but then her face suddenly turned solemn. "It's also the place where my mom died of breast cancer," she said as a tear rolled down her face.

Chuck thumbed the tear from her face and enveloped her in what she had now coined the Bartowski hug. She would definitely need more of those on this journey.

"I'm sorry Sarah. I know there's nothing I can do or say to make that memory go away."

She stared into a soft pair of brown eyes that on their own consoled her. "Yes there is and you're doing it, now come on I want to show you our old house."

The drive to the house was fairly quick and it was obvious with the big tall trees in the unusually large yards that this was an older neighborhood that had seen better days. Sarah pulled up along the curb and parked the car across the street from a two story house with a red brick façade, a faded black shingle roof and a fireplace. The paint was peeling on the white wooden shudders that bordered the front windows. The front of the house was trimmed with Christmas lights and a plastic Santa and reindeer decorated the front yard.

"This is where I grew up until I was eight years old. My room was at the back of the house and I had a swing set in the backyard that my friends and I used to play on. When I was young, four I think, my mom told me Santa came down that chimney after he landed on the roof. Sometimes on Christmas Eve I could hear him walking on the roof and I wanted so bad to get up and wait for him to come down the chimney, but my dad said it would scare him off. When I was seven I found out there wasn't a Santa Claus, but I never told my parents. I later found out my dad went up on the roof just to make that noise so I would think it was Santa."

"Wow. They really loved you to do that. Sounds like they wanted you to have a special Christmas each year."

"Yeah, you know I just remembered all that just sitting here," she said as she stared out the car window.

"So did any of your friends live around here?"

"Yeah. My friend Pamela lived over there and Susan over there. The first boy I kissed lived over there. His name was Timmy."

Chuck noticed that the more she talked about her house, her parents and friends the easier it seemed to be for her and although this was her gift to him he knew in a way it was helping her too.

"So do I need to worry about this Timmy guy," he deadpanned.

"No. I think your safe after twenty years you dork," she laughed and hit his chest.

"Ok just checking," he said.

"We've got one more stop to make before we head back to the airport," she said as she took one long last look at her childhood house and pulled away.

They arrived at River View cemetery with Gardenias and a Poinsettia plant in hand and having obtained the location of her mother's grave from the onsite office they climbed back into the car. River View Cemetery was a beautiful place as cemeteries go and its winding terrain overlooked the beautiful Willamette River.

"You probably think it's horrible that I don't even know where my mom is buried, but I haven't been here since the funeral. I wanted to come back, but dad said people were looking for us and we couldn't go back."

"Hey I don't think any such thing. I know this is hard for you and I'll be right beside you if you need me."

"Thanks Chuck. I'd just like you to meet my mom."

"And I'd love to meet her."

They drove down the winding roads of the cemetery until they reached row 134. They grabbed the flowers from the back seat and set out to find the grave site. After nearly reaching the end of the row, Sarah stopped when she found the simple marble headstone with the inscription:

Stephanie Lisa Stevens

Beloved Wife and Mother

December 25, 1958 to May 8, 1990

The grave site was clean, but there were no signs of flowers and she wondered if her father ever came to visit. She carefully placed the Gardenias on one side of the headstone and the Poinsettia plant on the other side.

"Gardenias were her favorite flower and at Christmas she always had Poinsettias in the house," she said chocking back a sob.

Chuck placed his arm around her knowing how hard the moment was. It was the same feeling he got when he visited his father's grave and he knew no matter how many years had passed, the hurt would always be there.

"Chuck, what do I say to her after all these years? How can I even talk to her?"

"Just talk to her like you're talking to me right now. She'll understand."

Sarah nodded her head and wiped away the tears in her eyes as she built up the courage to talk to woman she had missed terribly for the last 21 years.

"Hi mom, it's me Samantha. I brought someone I want you to meet momma. His name is Chuck Bartowski and he's my boyfriend. Chuck this is my mom Stephanie Lisa Stevens."

Realizing she was having a hard time on what to say next, Chuck began talking to the mother of the love of his life hoping it would give her a moment to figure out what she wanted to say.

"It is my pleasure to meet you Mrs. Stevens and I want to tell you what a beautiful, strong and smart woman your daughter has turned out to be. I think you would be very proud of the person she has become. She means everything to me and I love her so much. I am so fortunate to have found her when I did."

Chuck gave Sarah a kiss on the cheek and walked back toward the car giving her time alone knowing there were some things best said in private between mother and daughter. As he walked back to the car, he realized after noticing her mom's birthday was on Christmas day that there was another reason she didn't like celebrating Christmas.

He had long ago given up hope that Sarah would ever share any of her past with him and had come to accept it realizing it didn't change the way he felt about her. Yet here she was sharing with him everything about her early childhood and then to meet her mother, a person that played a big part in her young life. It was the best gift he had ever received.

"Did you say everything you needed to?"

She wrapped her arms around the man she loved more than life itself. "Yeah, it really felt so easy talking to her thanks to you. I don't know what I was scared of."

"Well she's your mother and no matter what, I think you just made her very happy," he said as he opened the driver's door for her.

"Well let's get back to the airport. We've got a plane to catch to Butte, Montana."

And so they continued their journey through her past including all the aliases her father had given her and all the cons she had helped her father commit. She showed him the places she lived and the schools she attended.

Sarah didn't leave out a thing.

Her major fear on this journey through her past was how Chuck would feel about her when he found out about the things she had done. She couldn't use the excuse that they were done for the greater good because she wasn't a spy then and conning good people and businesses out of their hard earned money wasn't right at any time, but especially during this time of year. Her fears and worries however never materialized because he was supportive and understanding through it all and if she were truthful with herself she actually wasn't surprised because he was Chuck.

He was her Chuck.

On the final leg of their journey they decided to rent a car and drive from San Diego to Burbank since they had both grown a little tired of airplanes. It was Christmas Eve and it was best to avoid the airports if at all possible.

"So you were born in Portland, Oregon and your birth name is Samantha Lisa Stevens. Then you and your dad moved to Butte, Montana where you went by the name Kelly Johnson. After that you moved to Cleveland, Ohio where you used the name Rebecca Franco. Your next stop was Madison, Wisconsin where your name was Katy O'Connell and then finally on to San Diego, California where you went by the name Jennifer Burton. That's where Arthur Graham recruited you and changed your name to Sarah Walker."

"Yeah that's it. Pretty pathetic right?" she laughed although she still felt the shame of it all.

"Hey listen. You had no choice in the matter remember? And don't think for one minute I don't know how hard this was for you to do. I mean just talking about it used to make you upset and now you just took me on a personal journey through your past. Do you realize how big of a jump that is for you? I'm so proud of you right now I could bust."

She laughed at his exuberant expression. "Well don't burst in the rental car because I think that might be pretty expensive to clean up, but in all seriousness I couldn't have done this four years ago before I met you and I couldn't have made this journey without you. So did you like your early Christmas present? I know how much you really wanted to know about my past."

"Sarah it was the best Christmas gift ever. I feel like I know you a little better and understand now what you went through and I think it will help strengthen our relationship."

"Well just so you know that wasn't your only Christmas gift. I have another one for you, but we need to be at the Buy More at seven a.m. on Christmas morning so I can give it to you. I know it's early, but we need to be at Ellie's by eight a.m."

Chuck gave her the smile meant only for her. "Why Sarah Walker I think you're actually beginning to like Christmas, but now I'm curious. You realize the Buy More is closed on Christmas day."

Sarah rolled her eyes and gave him a quick smile. "Now Chuck Bartowski I know how you like to try and guess what you're getting, but you might as well stop now. You're not getting a thing out of me, but if you promise not to pester me about Christmas morning I'll give you a hint of what you're getting tonight on Christmas Eve."

Realizing he couldn't use the classic Bartowski tickle method right now without causing an accident, Chuck decided to go for the low hanging fruit and inquire about the gift he was going to receive tonight.

"Ok you win, but it's only because my torture methods may result in death and injury to us and others on this highway so I won't pester you about tomorrow morning. So what can you tell me about tonight?" he asked giving her the Bartowski eyebrow dance.

"Let's just say it involves me and a Santa cap," she grinned.

"So you're going to dress up as Santa, but you don't have a suit," he stated, his face contorted in confusion as he thought about her clue further.

"Who said anything about a suit or any other clothes for that matter," she said giving him a wink and saucy smile.

"Uh … yeah…," he raised his eyebrows then stammered as he cleared his throat with visions of Sarah in nothing but a Santa cap. "You seem to be driving a little slow this evening. I know this isn't your Porsche, but I think this thing can do ninety."

Chuck realized how much he really loved Christmas.

December 25, 2011

7:00 A.M.

Chuck and Sarah opened the door to the Buy More and turned off the alarms. The inside of the store was still decorated with colorful Christmas decorations, but long gone were the frantic customers shopping for that special gift.

It was just Chuck and Sarah at the Nerd Herd desk.

Sarah grabbed both of Chuck's hands, softly squeezed them and looked into those soft brown eyes. "Chuck we met here a little over four years ago and little did I realize then that you would become the most important person in my life. You put up with my issues and insecurities and never gave up on me. You changed me Chuck for the better and I love you so much it hurts. You've seen my past and my aliases, but I'd like to change my name one last time. I want to change it to Sarah Bartowski. What I'm trying to say is Chuck will you marry me?"

To say Chuck was caught off guard was an understatement. He had wanted to propose to Sarah for the longest time, and yet here she was proposing to him and words couldn't explain the happiness in his heart.

"Yes Sarah Walker I'll marry you," he said as tears filled his eyes. He reached in his coat pocket and pulled out a little black box. "But only if you marry me Sarah," he said as he got down on one knee.

The tears were clearly streaming down her face. "Yes Chuck I'll marry you," she said as he took her left hand and slipped on the engagement ring.

The two embraced each other and shared a passionate and loving kiss. "You mean you were going to propose today?" she asked through the sobs.

"Yeah this afternoon after Christmas dinner after we got back to our apartment, but you proposing to me here with all the history we've shared was just so special. We're never going to be a normal couple and I wouldn't have it any other way."

Sarah gave him a mega watt smile. "I love you Chuck and Merry Christmas."

"I love you too, soon to be Sarah Bartowski," he replied with the smile that reached his eyes. "Merry Christmas."