I was shaking on the couch of my Mother's suite. Her body was gone, they had taken it away. I don't know where they took it. I couldn't really think straight. The only thing that kept ringing in my head was that my Mother was gone. She was gone. It didn't matter where she was, she wasn't here and she was never going to come back.
Someone had stripped the sheets of the bed and remade it. It looked fresh, like my Mother had never touched it. I was staring at the bed, where she had died, and I'm not really sure why. It wasn't going to make it better. The bed wasn't going to apologize for being the place where my Mother took her last breath.
"Addison," said a voice.
I blinked and looked up at Benjamin who was walking into the suite in jeans and a tee shirt. He looked like he had just gotten out of the shower, clean and handsome. I probably looked like hell in the dress that I had worn yesterday to the rehearsal. I hadn't slept that night, my hair was messy (from the sex with Jeremy before and the stress of finding my Mother), and my eyes were red and puffy.
I didn't say anything, only moved on the couch, repositioning my legs under me as he approached. He sat down next to me and rubbed my shoulder, not saying anything at first.
"I'm sorry for ruining your wedding day," I whispered.
"Don't be stupid," he said. "Other things ruined my wedding day before your Mother's death, and I would hardly say this ruined it."
"What are you talking about?"
"Addy," Benjamin said slowly. "I'm going to call off the wedding."
"What?" I said in shock. "Because of my Mother?"
"Well this is hardly the appropriate time to be having a wedding, don't you think?" Benjamin shook his head. "Really, I saw Marie with Andrew, one of the groom's men, last night. They were closer then friends should be, and his hand up her dress seemed a little inappropriate."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Your Mother's death isn't the reason why I'm calling off the wedding," he shrugged. "You and Jeremy were right about Marie all along…I don't even know her."
Jeremy…where was Jeremy? I wanted to see him badly. I knew he could make this right somehow. He'd make my Mother leaving me right….He'd do a hell of a lot better job at making me feel better then Benjamin was right now.
"I'm sorry Benjamin."
"I am too," he said taking my hand and squeezing it. "I'm sorry about your Mother. She was like a second Mother to me. I loved her very much."
"Is this how if felt when your Father died?" I whispered. Benjamin and I had never talked about his Father. It was just an understanding we had. I don't think anyone really talked about King Nicolas.
"How do you feel?"
"Numb," I sighed. "Empty."
"Yes," Benjamin nodded. "From what I remember that's how it felt. I didn't fully understand what had happened, Addy. I was eight…but I do remember feeling lost and incomplete." He looked at me, tilting my chin so I was looking him in the eye, and took my hands. "It will never be okay that she's gone Addy, but I promise that it does get better. You may always feel empty, but that feeling gets smaller."
"I don't know how it could," I sighed with small tears in my eyes. "No one could ever make me feel the way she did. She was my Mother Benjamin, and now she's gone. How am I going to go on? What am I going to do now?"
"You're going to stay here with me," he said holding me against him tightly. "I'm not going to let anything happen to you."
"Oh Benjamin," I sighed pulling away from him. "Please, can you leave me be. I just want to be alone."
"I don't think you should be alone right now Addy," he said standing up behind me. I moved to my bedroom and closed the door tightly. "Addison." He said knocking against my door. I locked it tightly and he tried to open it. "I just don't want you to be alone. I know this is going to be hard."
"I'm fine Benjamin, please leave me alone," I said through the door.
He stopped knocking and there was silence. I hoped he had gone away. Leaving the door locked, I walked to my bed and collapsed on it, tears rolling down my cheeks as soon as I hit the sheets. I pulled my comforter over me and fell asleep in my tears.
Someone pulled the curtains back on my window and sunlight flashed in front of my eyes. I blinked and sat up quickly, looking around in confusion. I could make out a figure in front of the window and I rubbed my eyes trying to make out who it was. If it was Benjamin I would kill him.
"Go away," I sighed still unsure of whom it was. I laid back down and pulled the sheets over my head. I felt the person lay down on my bed and I sat up angry, ready to attack them.
"Do you really want me to go away?"
It was Jeremy. No. I didn't want him to go away.
"How'd you get in here?" I asked pushing my hair out of my face. "I locked the door."
"I picked the lock," he said with a sly smile. "Ben said you were upset so I thought I'd come and see you…he warned me not to though. Said you wanted to be alone, but I couldn't believe that." He pushed my hair behind my ear.
"I just want—I don't want anyone," I pushed his hand away. "Please stop touching me."
"Alright," he said with a frown. He dropped his hand on the bed. "I'll go if you want me too."
"No," I said rolling over and lying back down. "I don't want you to go, just to stop touching me."
"I think you should change your clothes," he whispered. "You're still in your dress from the rehearsal dinner."
I knew he was right. I should change.
"I'm going to take a shower," I said getting out of the bed. Had Jeremy come up here to push me around because he knew I had no motivation to shower or change myself? I turned before leaving the room and glared at him. "I just want you to know that I—"
"Spare me the compliments," he said.
I glared at him.
"I hate you," I said and turned, leaving the room to go shower.
It felt good to shower. The hot water relaxed my body and washed away a little bit of my pain. But when I got out of the shower and looked at myself in the mirror I saw nothing but my Mother. I rubbed my baggy eyes and walked out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel. It was never going to get better.
Jeremy was still lying on my bed when I entered my room. I had tried not to look at my Mother's bed as I walked through the suite. He watched me as I walked to my closet and I was quite surprised when he didn't make any comments about wanting to watch me undress. I changed into a pair of sweat pants and a tee shirt and towel dried my hair.
"Better?" he asked when I reappeared and laid down on the bed.
"Yes."
"Good," he said putting his hands behind his head.
"Are you here to give me a prep talk?" I asked. "Make me feel better about losing my Mother?"
"No," he said. "I'm just here in case you want me to make you feel better, or you want to talk. I wouldn't mind sleeping…that's cool too."
I rolled over and looked at him.
"Jeremy," I whispered.
"Yes, Addison," he whispered looking at me with those dark charming eyes.
"Benjamin is going to call off the wedding."
"He already has," said Jeremy softly.
"What?"
He pointed to the clock.
"It's five in the evening," he said. "If he was still getting married we'd be at a wedding right now."
"Oh," I said looking at the clock. "Oh, I've slept all day."
"Rightly so."
"Did Lady Marie leave?"
"Yes," said Jeremy. "I'm sorry you missed it. She made quite a scene in the study with Benjamin when he told her. They argued for hours. And then Andrew left with her. She threatened Benjamin and told him he'd just made the biggest mistake of his life, and he assured her that he hadn't. The biggest mistake was proposing to her."
"Damn," I sighed laying back. "I missed it."
"Well now you can have Benjamin all to yourself," Jeremy said.
"Why would I want that?" I asked.
"You really don't love him? I find it hard to believe that you just turned those feelings off like that," he snapped his fingers as he finished his statement.
"I don't want to be with him Jeremy," I said. "He's one of my best friends and I care about him deeply, but he's arrogant, he doesn't care about me or love me the way that a man who loves me would, and he only wants me for my body. When he came here to comfort me he talked about himself and how he wasn't getting married…as if that was supposed to make me feel better. I was so angry at him. That's why I locked myself in here. I didn't want to be near him."
Jeremy looked at me very seriously.
"That's how you really feel?"
"Yea," I nodded. "I'm very turned off by Benjamin."
"Are you turned on by me?" he asked touching my thigh softly. I batted at his hand.
"Jeremy," I whispered looking up at him. He smiled sadly and pulled me to his chest, holding me tightly against his body. With out evening knowing why, I began to cry again against his chest. Everything seemed to flood my system and I was crying again.
"I'm right here," he whispered stroking my hair. "Let it all out…you're fine."
He said nothing else, just held me, and that's what I needed. I didn't want to heart that it was going to be okay. I didn't want anyone to tell me it was going to get better. I was happy that he just held me and kept me warm. I fell asleep in his arms and when I woke up it was dark in the bedroom.
He was gone. I sighed and rolled over and sat up in bed. Rubbing my eyes, I blinked and looked around the room. I wasn't in my room. I looked to the bed and saw that it had been slept in. Looking around the dark room, I saw the light on under the bathroom door. It was Jeremy's bedroom I was in. How the hell did I get down here?
The bathroom door open and the light flipped off. Jeremy walked into the room without his shirt on. He threw a towel into the hamper and looked at me on the bed.
"Hey," he said softly.
"Hi," I whispered rubbing my face. I was incredibly hot. I removed my pants and Jeremy smirked.
"Do you want help taking the rest off?"
"No," I said. "I'm hot."
"Yes…" he leaned close to me and kissed my cheek.
"How'd I get here?"
"I brought you up here," he whispered. "I didn't want you to be alone and I thought it'd be better for you to be somewhere other then your suite."
I nodded.
"Thank you," I whispered.
"Anything for you," he kissed my neck. His skin and hair were wet. I played with the string on his pants and let him kiss me.
"Come back to bed," I sighed. "Hold me, please?"
He smiled and crawled into the bed with me, pulling me close to his body. I brought the covers over us and cuddled close to him. He kissed my head and wrapped his arms around me.
Instead of a wedding there was a funeral at the palace that week. Queen Amelia was kind enough to take my Mother's funeral into her own hands and plan it. I wasn't able to. I couldn't even function regularly. I hadn't eaten in days, and spent most of my time in Jeremy's room, hiding from the world.
Jeremy was kind enough to acknowledge my pain. He never asked me to talk about it, only waited for me to speak when I wanted to. He brought me food knowing that I probably wouldn't eat it, and held me when I slept at night. I really owed him a great deal.
"Come on," he whispered to me as I sat on the bed in my black dress. "You don't want to be late."
"I don't want to go at all," I sighed wiping my cheeks. "If I go it means she's really gone Jeremy."
"You have to recognize it eventually Addison," he said. "And it's better that you recognize it now and move on with your life. Your Mother would not want you to dwell like you are. You're stronger then that."
"How do you know how strong I am?" I hissed with annoyance.
"Because I've seen your strength," he said taking my hands and lifting me up so I was standing. He wrapped his arms around my waist and I leaned against his chest like a pathetic child. "I've felt your strength." He tilted my chin up. "It's something that has puzzled me and always drawn me back to you. Your strength…I have never seen it in any woman before and it intrigues me to no end."
"Oh, stop," I whispered pulling out of his arms and walking to the dresser to look in the mirror. "I look like the plague."
"Because you haven't eaten."
I sighed. I knew he was right. I had to get over this. He was exactly right. My Mother would have wanted me to keep living, and she would have expected me to. Jeremy took my hand and we left the room together, heading down to the ballroom to face my fears and reality.