Thanks everyone once again for all the feedback, it's such a pleasure to read.
- Firefly154, I hope the previous chapter and perhaps this one might clear up some things about Clarke's injuries.
- dangerousgreen, your comment tickled me in so many ways, thank you so much for taking the time to write it.
- Interp86, if you are binging, I must be doing something right :P Thank you for reading, I hope this one doesn't disappoint.
Enjoy the next episode, I know I enjoyed writing it. Thanks all.
...
Clarke was sitting on the side of her bed after she had just paid a visit to a toilet. Aivo had allowed her to walk around a bit, which went better than expected. Since there was nothing wrong with her legs, she had convinced Aivo that walking was going to make her feel a lot better instead of just lying in bed the whole day. She had been right, walking had done her some good even though she hadn't even left the room. It had still taken her a lot of effort, so she was sitting down again. Aivo had just changed her bandage, she was now eating some food. There was fruit, but she had also asked for some meat.
She had seen her own wounds. The cauterized scars weren't pretty of course, but she didn't even mind. There was the one on her arm and two on her abdomen. Aivo had told her exactly what he had done, interested as Clarke was in the medical side of things. When Emerson had shot her in the cave he had hit her in the side, the bullet had embedded itself right under the skin of her abdomen. It had been easier to make a small cut in her abdomen to retrieve the bullet, after which both wounds were cauterized. Somehow no massive damage was done inside her body, all her organs were functioning perfectly.
She hadn't talked to Lexa yet. It had been two days since she woke up, but she had slept a lot and hadn't been awake for long periods at a time. Aivo had told her she had stopped by but it had been when Clarke was asleep. She was told that Indra had returned to Tondc, since she was no longer needed here.
"Your wounds look good." Aivo told her.
Clarke nodded at him. "They feel fine. I mean it hurts, but it feels like it's supposed to feel, I think." she replied.
She took another bite of deer. She already felt a lot stronger than she did just two days ago, but she was nowhere near her old self, she knew that too. She also knew that the only way she'd be her old self again was to give her body time and to eat, to give it the strength back so that's what she was planning to do.
While Clarke had been awake, she started having some doubts in her mind about talking to Lexa. She was grateful for what she had done, there was no question about that, but they still hadn't had a proper conversation since Lexa left her at Mount Weather. The more time went by, the more Clarke started having second thoughts about what to say. Lexa had hurt her more than anything after all, but somehow she did show up when she needed it most. Was this Lexa's way of making it up to her? Did she feel guilty? Was it payback for Jorin and Brigen and Clarke just happened to be saved along the way? Clarke wanted to think that she came back for her but she wasn't sure and it made her slightly apprehensive. She did want to talk to Lexa, but she wasn't sure how the talk would go exactly. So much had happened, so much was said, so much needed to be said, so many feelings were involved. This was so complicated.
Before she could prepare for it any further, suddenly there she was. Lexa walked through the door and entered the room. Aivo bowed his head respectfully. "Commander." he said. Clarke stopped chewing only for a second.
"Gon osir we." Lexa said. Her eyes were fixed on Clarke, but it was clearly meant for Aivo, who nodded and silently left the room. Lexa waited just inside the room until he had left, then took a few steps towards Clarke but still kept a respectful distance. There was no war paint on her face, she looked casual, Clarke thought, even though she didn't think that was the word to describe her. She still looked like a force to be reckoned with.
Neither of them spoke for a moment until Clarke broke the silence. "Lexa."
Lexa nodded. "It's good to see you well, Clarke." Lexa replied. Her voice sounded neutral, too neutral. Clarke could hear she was keeping up a front again.
Clarke put down the plate she had been holding. "I suppose I have you to thank for that."
"There is no need." Lexa replied.
"Still, it's what we do, remember? That's who we are." Clarke returned.
A faint smile appeared on Lexa's face but it disappeared just as soon as it had appeared. "I remember." she said.
Lexa walked over to a table and picked up a piece of fruit, she put it in her mouth and stood with her back to Clarke for a moment. "I hear you have been asking Aivo many questions."
"I have." Clarke replied. "But he doesn't have a lot of answers."
Lexa turned around to face Clarke. "I do."
Clarke pondered this for a moment, Lexa was clearly telling her to ask what she wanted to know, but about what exactly, Clarke wondered. Does that include everything that happened at the Mountain? Or simply about this? One question was burning her mind above all others.
"Why?" she asked.
Lexa frowned. "Why?" she questioned.
Clarke realized she was asking for clarification, which part exactly. She decided to give it. "Why come and get me, was it just vengeance for Jorin and Brigen? Blood for blood? Was I just lucky to still be alive when you got your vengeance? Why did you join the mission yourself? How did you even know about it or how to find us?" she rambled.
Lexa took a moment to reply. "Which question do you want answered first?" she asked patiently.
Clarke took a breath. Slow down, she told herself, let's start at the beginning. "How did they know?"
Lexa sat down on a chair, facing Clarke. She was clearly taking an inviting position, open to questions, willing to answer. Clarke was kind of grateful for it. If they could just get the facts out of the way, then they would see what comes after, she figured.
Lexa started explaining. "You didn't return from your hunting mission when they expected you to, Indra sent out scouts to find you. They found Jorin a few miles from where you had set up camp."
"A few miles?" Clarke repeated, surprised. "How?"
"He had been severely injured, but not fatally. He managed to get himself about halfway back to Tondc when the scouts found him. He told them what happened, that Brigen was killed and that Emerson had taken you but he hadn't killed you."
"Jorin survived?" Clarke asked surprised. "How is he?"
Lexa shook her head minimally. "He is still recovering. His injuries are worse than yours. We do not know yet if he will make it, but he is strong."
Clarke had thought all this time that Jorin was killed at the campsite, now she found out he hadn't only made it out alive, he had told everyone about what happened to her. She owed this man her life, she realized. "That's… I'm glad he's alive. I suppose I owe him one."
Lexa nodded quietly and just sat there waiting for Clarke to ask the next question so she did. "Then what?"
"A scout went on to find the camp and look for tracks while the others brought Jorin back to Tondc. Another went on ahead to inform Indra. She immediately sent out a search party." Lexa explained.
"She did?"
"You are surprised." Lexa frowned slightly.
"I guess I am. I'm not one of you." Clarke responded.
"You were a guest in the village, Indra ordered you go to go on this hunting mission and that means she carries a certain responsibility for you." Lexa explained. "You went on this mission as one of our hunters, you could say as an apprentice. They would have gone back to get Brigen's body, no matter what. If you had been dead, they would have taken your body too and returned it to your people. But Jorin knew that you were not dead, he saw Emerson take you with him. They found your camp, his tracks weren't very hard to follow. We were close when we heard gunshots, they led us to you."
"How did you know about it?" Clarke asked. "I thought you were in Polis."
"I have known you were in Tondc from the day you arrived, Clarke." Lexa said simply. "Indra had sent me a message about your arrival and the news about the Mountain Men you brought with you." she paused for a moment. "I was not in Polis. Not yet."
Clarke remained quiet, hoping Lexa would continue. It worked. "I had told Indra to keep me informed about you. I was traveling through different villages to oversee the choosing of new generals and leaders. Many were killed in the Tondc attack." she said.
Clarke just nodded, not sure what to say considering her own role in that.
Luckily, Lexa kept going. "Indra knew exactly where to find me and when, I have received daily messages from her. About everything." She paused, as if she was trying to emphasize that this included Clarke.
"When word reached her about what happened to you, she sent out a rider to me immediately. I wasn't far away from Tondc when the rider reached me. Indra had already left with a group of warriors and we followed and caught up with her."
Clarke stared at Lexa for a moment, trying to read her.
"You followed." she echoed Lexa's words.
Lexa nodded, again one of those nods that you can hardly see but it was definitely there.
Now she had to know. "Why?" she asked.
"Why?" Lexa repeated again.
"Why you?" Clarke clarified, even though she had a feeling Lexa knew exactly what she was asking.
Lexa remained quiet for a moment so Clarke continued. "The warriors were way ahead of you, they would have found me with or without you. Why join them? Why you?"
Lexa still didn't answer, she was possibly searching for words to use, words that would conceal the true answer because she wasn't sure how it would be received.
"Was it guilt? Were you making up for something?" They both knew what she meant. Clarke didn't really believe it was guilt, but she asked anyway, needing to hear her reasons, needing to hear them out loud.
Lexa sighed. "I had to put my people first, Clarke."
"You're not answering my question." Clarke retorted.
"Then ask it differently." Lexa said calmly.
Clarke bit her lip. What was she asking exactly? She realized that in her heart she had already forgiven Lexa for doing what she did, but she still felt like she had to let Lexa know exactly how it had felt to her. Did she want Lexa to suffer like she had? No, that wasn't it, but for some reason she did need her to know that it nearly broke her. She needed to hear her say it, she needed to hear her say she had no choice, that she would have chosen another way if she had one. But also she wanted to know what Lexa felt. Not what the Commander had to do, but what Lexa felt about it, how she felt about Clarke. Even in her own mind Clarke found that rather conflicting, but she just had to know.
Clarke rephrased it. "Did you come for Brigen's body and Emerson, blood for blood? Or for me?"
"Both." Lexa said shortly.
"I could have died at that mountain when you left, but I didn't." Clarke replied. "Why leave me then and come get me now?"
"Now I wasn't responsible for thousands of lives. This was one man." she explained.
"You could have left it to your warriors. Why you? What changed?" Clarke pressed on.
"Nothing changed."
Clarke shook her head. "Everything changed."
"No. Nothing has. I do care, Clarke, I told you this before, I wasn't lying." Lexa said quietly.
Clarke bit her lip again. She cares, she still does. When she heard her say the words she felt her heartbeat increase slightly but tried to ignore it. She didn't want to have feelings for Lexa in this very moment, she wanted Lexa to own up to leaving her to die.
"You care, but you still left." she said, her voice unsteady.
Lexa raised her chin up and looked Clarke straight in the eyes. "Ask me your question, Clarke."
"How did it feel when you knew you were going to take the deal?" Clarke asked, unable to hide the somewhat bitter tone in her voice.
"I did not like leaving you behind, if that's what you're asking. I didn't want to." Lexa looked at Clarke intensely. "However, I know that you are strong and smart, you are resourceful, I was hoping you would find a way and you did." she paused. "But I had to, I had no choice. Now I did."
"Do you know how it felt seeing you walk away?" Clarke whispered.
Lexa nodded. "Yes, I do." she replied just as quietly.
"Do you really?" Clarke asked somewhat sarcastically.
Lexa lowered her head and her voice, she spoke to her own hands. "Knowing you might die and still walking away was far from easy, Clarke."
Clarke stared at her for a moment, pondering what to say. She couldn't stop herself from asking. "How quickly did you know you were going to take Emerson's deal?"
Lexa raised her head. "Immediately." she said honestly. "But coming to terms with what that would do to you took a lot longer to accept." she added.
Lexa gripped Clarke's eyes with her own. "I do not regret the decision I made, Clarke. I can't." She said it quietly, reluctantly almost, but Clarke could feel her need to be truthful. In a weird way she appreciated it.
Lexa swallowed before she continued. "You ask me why I came back for you. I couldn't come back for you at Mount Weather, but I could come back for you now, so I did. Not because of guilt, more like another chance. The last time I couldn't help you, this time I could. What I did at the mountain, I had to do. I didn't want to, but I had to put my people first." she paused again.
Clarke couldn't stop her eyes from welling up slightly. "I know."
"You know?" Lexa frowned.
"Yeah, believe it or not, I understand." Clarke replied, almost spitting it out, not wanting it to be true but knowing that it was. "Lexa, I've had a lot of time to think about this and I'll be honest with you. I trusted you. I turned out to be wrong and it was devastating when you walked away. It was devastating that I had to kill every one inside that mountain to get my people out, but I did. Then I had to come to terms with the fact that I do get it, that I can't even hate you for it."
Lexa's raised her eyebrows. "You don't hate me?"
"I wanted to." Clarke whispered.
"But you don't." Lexa concluded.
Clarke looked at her for a moment. "No." she admitted.
"You're angry."
"Yes, at myself, because I didn't see it coming and I should have." Clarke replied. "I ended up doing the same thing, I killed the people inside the mountain that helped us. I was angry at you, yes, but now I'm more angry at myself because I was blindsided. I thought that we shared something, that I broke down your walls, I was wrong."
Lexa swallowed again, her face went soft. "You were not wrong, Clarke."
"But love is weakness." Clarke concluded quietly. "Was any of it even real?" she asked.
"Yes." Lexa replied immediately. Her face now sad, almost hurt.
"Did it matter to you?" Clarke asked.
"It still matters, Clarke." Lexa whispered.
"But it didn't matter enough, because after everything, I was still an outsider." Clarke said, trying to keep the bitter out of her voice, the sadness of knowing Lexa couldn't have chosen her, no matter how much they both wanted to, the reality of the situation they were in. "You said you trusted me. I trusted you too. That was my mistake."
"You don't trust me anymore." Lexa concluded, her voice revealing sadness but not surprise.
Clarke wanted to confirm it first, but changed her mind. "No, I do." she said. "I trust that you will always choose your people over outsiders, over me."
"Do you believe me when I say that I wanted to choose you?" Lexa asked softly.
"Even if I do, does it matter? You couldn't. You still can't, can you?" she questioned. "I'm still an outsider."
"In my heart, you're not." Lexa replied, unable to keep her own voice steady now.
Clarke swallowed a lump in her throat. "The heart that Commander Lexa switched off for the occasion."
"Clarke…" It was a painful whisper, almost pleading.
Clarke looked at the young woman in front of her, thinking back to the moment in the tent, right before they kissed. What she wouldn't give to have a carefree Lexa, one who was able to just give in to what she was feeling.
"Can you ever just be Lexa, instead of the Commander?" Clarke asked.
Lexa didn't respond. Clarke didn't know that was because Lexa wanted to say yes, but didn't think she could. Lexa kept quiet, not trusting her own reply if she actually spoke up.
"Ruling with your head, I get it." Clarke continued. "But Lexa, love is not weakness, it's the biggest force on earth. Sometimes, sure, you have to choose with your head, but you are not always the Commander, you can be Lexa who has a heart and who feels." Who feels for me, she added in her head, but didn't say it out loud.
"You turned off your feelings because you got hurt." She kept going. "I get that. Trust me, I do. But sometimes decisions need to be made with your heart and not your head. You turned off your feelings for personal reasons, but you use that to rule your people. That doesn't make sense to me. You should be able to separate them, that would make you so much stronger."
Lexa blinked, she took a breath. "It's not that simple." she countered, caught slightly off guard.
"It never is. That's why knowing when to listen to your heart is so important, but you refuse to try." Clarke replied.
"I tried." Lexa responded softly.
"Try again." Clarke deadpanned.
Lexa sighed deeply, Clarke realized she wanted to, but every fiber was telling her she couldn't. She was still clinging to the fixed idea in her head that shutting off your feelings was the way to go.
Clarke took a deep breath, she looked down at her own hands for a moment before she looked up again at Lexa. "So where does this leave us? What happens now?"
She saw Lexa swallow, but trying to hide it. "I don't know." she said, looking at her hands and shaking her head.
Clarke stared at the young woman in front of her, she could see that Lexa was struggling just as much as she was. She could see it in her eyes, her pose, her whole body. This was so frustrating, two people who clearly share such intimacy between them yet they were so far apart because they weren't able to act on it, or they didn't know how. The few steps between them seemed like the biggest ravine that they didn't know how to cross.
"I guess we're back to just surviving. Maybe we don't deserve better after all." Clarke whispered.
Lexa stared at her for another moment, her face filled with sadness. She was pondering how to respond, struggling inside with all the things she wanted to say instead of the things she had to. She decided not to reply to it, instead she got up.
"I should go. You need to heal." she said quietly, trying to excuse herself.
Clarke stared up at the woman she still desired even after everything. "I think we both need to heal." she said pointedly.
Lexa searched Clarke's gaze and kept it for a few seconds, before she nodded, acknowledging that Clarke wasn't wrong. She then turned and walked towards the door. Right before she reached it she turned around again and looked at Clarke for a moment, clearly deciding if she should speak or not.
"If it means anything," she started hesitantly, turning her gaze towards the floor, "leaving you at the Mountain was one of the hardest things I ever had to do." Lexa looked back up at Clarke.
Clarke didn't respond, she was just staring at Lexa, thinking how vulnerable she looked at that very moment. She found herself wishing more than anything that they were different people, living a different life. Lexa waited for a few more seconds but when Clarke didn't say anything, she turned and walked out the door.
Clarke took a deep breath and released it slowly. They had finally said all the things they needed to say. She felt relieved, but also exhausted. She had needed this talk, she knew. She had forgiven Lexa, but during the talk she had been somewhat surprised about how bitter she still felt about some things, how she needed to hear Lexa give her certain answers, to hear her say it with her own voice. She had needed to tell her all these things, she needed Lexa to know how much she had hurt her, even though she realized that Lexa knew exactly what this had done to her. She still felt the need to say it to her face, to have it said out loud. She also needed her to know she understood, that she did get it, even though it nearly broke her. All this had to be spoken, she had to hear from Lexa all the reasons she had for doing what she did, she needed her own thoughts confirmed. She also needed to know that Lexa also felt that they did share something, that she didn't imagine it, that it was the Commander that betrayed her, even though Lexa didn't want to. Now that it was all out in the open, they could move on from it, she figured.
She laid back down on the bed, resting her head on the pillow and closed her eyes for a few seconds. She opened them again and stared at the ceiling. Move on to what, she thought. She had no idea.