Chapter Ten: Highway to Hell

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction.

Song for this chapter as suggested by U2Shay:

Highway to Hell AC/DC

Let's Go Crazy - Prince

Master of Puppets - By those Metallica dudes

Back in Black- AC/DC

Running With The Devil - Van Halen

Quick AN: I've been adding outtakes to Cullenary Coupling. So far they are a hit. Drop by if you have the chance. Thanks so much for the reviews, tweets, PMs and overall support.

Snarky Summary: Edward tells Charlie of his intention to marry Bella. Charlie is overwhelmed with joy. Not. After expressing his fatherly concerns, Bella curses out her parent, swears to get a tattoo, and stomps out of the house, crying. Well, one out of three isn't bad. Jessica Stanley gets a peep show courtesy of our two favorite love birds. Edward calls Tanya and asks her to come play. With Charlie. Lots. Edward decides to get naked with Bella. Really naked. For hygiene purposes. *faints* Things you need to remember from past chapters to make this one make sense are as follows. The pack thinks Edward and Aro worship Satan. With animals. Jake acted like a jerk at the funeral and the Cullens want payback. We find our young lovers in bed. Sleeping. Sort of. And so we begin.

Morning light filtered into the room, making Bella's skin glow. I couldn't wait to see what she looked like once she was transformed. She had thrown a leg over me while asleep. I had no complaints with this arrangement. She was wearing one of those little nightdresses that she had bought while out with Alice the other day, and it showed a fair amount of skin on her lower back. I trailed my fingers up her spine.

"Mmfh," she nuzzled her face into my chest. Which felt quite good, actually.

"Bella," I stroked her hair, "you need to wake up."

"Why? I love being here in your arms." She kissed my chest. Which tickled.

"And I love having you in my arms. You need to eat something. It's time for you to take your medication."

I handed her a tablet and a glass of water. She tossed it back and drank a sip.

"Do you think your Mom has the ingredients for French toast? I have a craving for sweets."

"I think Alice made sure we were stocked up yesterday."

"Excellent," Bella rolled over and sighed, running her fingers through her tangled hair. She stood and stretched. Another amazing view.

"Edward?"

"Yes?"

She slid her straps from her shoulders. I watched gobsmacked as it fell to the floor leaving her in nothing but a pair of panties. "I feel like taking a shower to wake up. Feel like joining me?" She gave me an impish grin.

Was she insane? Scratch that.

"Why, yes. I think I do." I followed after her like the good fiance that I was. My woman needed her back scrubbed. And I was just the fiend to do it. It was a dirty job, but alas, someone had to do it.

I took the body wash that she liked and began working on her shoulders while she shampooed her hair.

"Dad sent me an email last night."

I remembered her fretting over her laptop. "He did?"

"Yeah, he wants me to come by this morning so we can talk."

"Is this going to be a repeat of the last conversation?" I almost growled.

"I hope not. He said he was sorry for upsetting me." I slucied water over her back and pulled her against me.

"I hate seeing you so upset."

"I hate being that upset. But he is my father, and I should at least hear him out like an adult. He said that he would respect my choices even if he didn't agree with them."

What malarkey.

We dried off, dressed, and I watched Bella devour a plate of French toast. Reluctantly, I drove her back to Charlie's house. His cruiser was in the front. "I'll call you later. I don't know how long this will take."

"You don't want me there?" I almost sulked.

"I think it might go better if I talk to him on my own. I'll call you later." She kissed me and waved as she walked to her door. I saw Charlie peeking out from the living room window. Jerk.

I drove back to my house grumbling the entire way. I really needed to give more consideration to that keeping-her-bird-brained-father-alive business. He was looking better as a corpse by the second. Even Mother's rose bushes seemed to agree with me, nodding as I passed them.

Tanya could not get here fast enough. Speaking of fast women, I wondered what was taking her so long. As I walked toward the house, I pulled out my cell phone.

I texted Tanya, "When are you coming?"

"Are we having phone sex? How adventurous of you, Edward."

"Ew. No. Bella's father is guilting her into talking to him. He needs your special touch."

"My sisters and I are buying clothing for our visit. We want to make sure we blend in. Somewhat. Do you know how hard it is to find a decent rain boot in Alaska?"

"I forgot to tell you something important."

"Did you lose your virginity?"

"That's none of your business."

"Then it can't be THAT important. Do I need to give Bella a pep talk? Hog tie you?"

"No. She is doing fine on that front without you getting your claws into her. Harpy."

"So what is it, hot stuff? I'm all ears."

"All hair is more like it."

"Time's a wasting, lover boy."

"Right. That. Um, we have houseguests. You might not want to stay here."

"Do I need to kick someone's skanky ass out of my room?"

"I'd pay good money to see you try that with Marcus and Aro."

"Ew."

"I know. I apologize for not telling you sooner."

"Well, they were only doing their job. I'm a big girl. I've sulked long enough. Thanks for telling me. We're still coming. I'm still kicking that Marcus bitch out of my room. That man needs to get laid almost as much as you do."

"One other thing."

"What now?"

"I might possibly have convinced the wolves that I worship Satan."

"Oh, you bad man, you. Now I'm really going to have fun. I haven't had this much fun since the Salem Witch Trials. I must go tell my sisters. Later!"

"Edward," Father captured my attention from my text war with Tanya while perusing his morning paper. "I'd like your help with a speech."

If he was referring to having me give the presentation I would rather have sexual relations with the entire Stench-sploding pack at once - even Pepe Le Spew, Jacob Black - before I'd give a speech. Talking. It only led to trouble. Just look what had happened when I had proposed to Bella. The first time. Or when I told her birdbrained father that Bella and I would be married, and totally skipped over that asking for his blessing part.

"Edward? Are you listening?" Father was staring at me.

"I apologize. I was worrying about Bella given the loss of her mother." There. That was true. Made me appear considerate, too. Even while being rude to my Father. "What do you need me to do?"

"I have been asked to give a lecture at Forks High School on safe sexual relations among humans."

"You've been asked to do that two years in a row but have always been too busy."

"Well, yes, I have. Marcus suggests that I should attend this year." I looked over at Marcus who smiled as he slid a chess piece across the board and checkmated Jasper. I think this made the fourth game in a row that he had won. Jasper frowned at the board, working to memorize the strategy. Seeing him bask in Marcus' presence was vastly entertaining. Marcus was a rock star to my military strategist brother.

The smile that Marcus currently sported was enough to make my stomach churn. It made me want to check my pockets to see if I was suddenly missing my wallet and press my abdomen to ensure that my entrails weren't spilling out.

"I think it would be entertaining. And we must obtain the necessary supplies for the presentation, Carlisle."

"Right," Father said.

I raised an eyebrow at Marcus. If I kept quiet, he'd explain his reasoning.

"We can use it as an opportunity to continue toying with the wolves. After their untoward behavior at the funeral, they have earned our wrath."

"How many people do you want supplies for?"

"Four hundred."

"I'd be delighted."

Emmett watched our exchange from his position over on the sofa. He put down his biography of Mickey Mantle and said to Jasper, "Methinks brother Edward and Cousin Marcus are plotting something especially dastardly. Five bucks says it has to do with Jacob."

Jasper laughed, "I'm not taking that bet. I can tell it has to do with Jacob by the unholy glee coming from them both. Can we help?"

"Why yes," I said, "I think you can. We should also talk to Marcus and get his opinion."

"What am I, chopped liver?" Father joked. "Count me in. After what that cad did at the funeral, I owe him considerable suffering."

That sparked spiteful rumination in me. Jacob Black, with his ill-timed manipulation attempts of my beloved soon-to-be bride had gotten on my last nerve. Prudence, therefore, dictated that I deal with him in as expedited manner as possible. My survival instinct – and Marcus' sage advice – told me that I should do so in a manner that made me appear innocent in the eyes of the most important party: Bella. Although I did know what was best for her, it wouldn't do for her to feel that I had arranged her life. She might find that high-handed. She had been awfully irrational lately due to the suffering she had endured in being stalked by Victoria and forced to depend upon stenchsploding shapeshifters for her protection. I must not upset her delicate nerves.

"Are we going to kill them?" Jasper asked wearing a hopeful expression, pulling me from my thoughts.

"No. That would break the treaty." Carlisle said. "But after their behavior at the funeral towards Bella and the disrepect they showed our family, we owe them."

"So that means we can beat them up, right?" Emmett chimed in, cracking his knuckles.

"That would prove amusing. " Marcus sighed, "But as they are young and inexperienced, would not be much of a challenge. We're best using psychological warfare on them instead. You and Aro have led a brilliant campaign thus far. I propose we continue in our efforts to convince them of our nefarious habit of worshipping the Dark Lord. Aro thinks this is a fantastic idea. He's upstairs getting dressed."

Aro sailed down the stairs wearing blue jeans with black leather chaps over them, black leather boots, and an Ozzy Osbourne t-shirt. He had a black leather bracelet with steel spikes around one wrist, and had painted a pentagram on the inside of his right arm. In bright red. We all stared at his arm.

"Heidi showed me how to put on temporary tattoos. They are so much fun, dear boys. You should wear them too." He handed out red pentagrams for us all.

"I want to put mine on my forehead." Emmett chortled.

"No," Marcus chided. "We should all put them on the inside of our arms so we can cover them up with our sleeves and show them when we want." Good point. "Put them on now. We're going shopping."

I loathed shopping. Passionately. "For what?"

"Supplies for your father's presentation. Were you not paying attention earlier?"

Father asked, "Why do we all need to go? We do not need much."

Marcus consulted his smart phone. "Because my sources tell me that the pack will be at the Port Angeles store in two hours. We can't let them shop alone, now can we?" I had no idea how Marcus had learned that, but consulted my wolf-vine, and sure enough, they were planning on going later. "Is that true, Edward?"

"It is."

"I love that you can use your gift with them," Jasper rubbed his hands together in glee. "That makes them spies without even realizing it. It's almost too easy." True. So true.

This could be fun.

Marcus said, "I think the boys could use a wardrobe change. Aro, you have some extra shirts do you not?" Aro smiled and snapped his fingers, "Felix, fetch some shirts for the boys. They're in the back of the third car." I thought the black nail polish Aro had put on his fingernails was a creepy touch. He looked like he had escaped from a Black Sabbath reunion tour.

Mary Alice came into the room and laughed. "I think this is a marvelous idea. Aro, those leather chaps are too much - even for Wal-Mart. Try these black jeans instead."

Aro pouted and said, "Of course, dear girl, what would I do without you."

He went to the guest bathroom to change. Thank God. I had seen enough of that man naked for five lifetimes. And the sight of his manhood might make Emmett faint. Not that it would be possibly. Was it possible for vampires to perish from penis envy?

I had refrained from adding that Aro looked like something out of a gay biker bar when wearing the chaps. If Aro didn't have a mate, and a debauched reputation with women, I would seriously wonder about him. Not that there was anything wrong with that, mind you. I heard Aro deciding to try his look out on the slobbering newborns that he had doing training exercises in the back yard.

He walked among them and was immediately mobbed by his adoring slobbering children. The woman with safety pins in her nose whined, "When can we go see a concert? Judas Priest forever! Metallica rules! I want to go see Iron Maiden!"

Aro canted his head to one side and said, "Who is Judas Priest? Did we turn him? And that person Metallica, my dear child, does not rule anything. We do. We are the Volturi, remember?"

"Oh," the newborn stammered.

"But if you are good and do your lessons well, we do have an iron maiden in the dungeon in Italy that I'd be delighted to let you see."

Marcus walked to the back door, opened it, and called out, "Oh Aro, step away from the newborns for a moment. We need you."

We all blinked at the sight that sauntered through the doorway. Aro said, "My darling boys. Alice has done wonders. Now the wolves will all believe we worship the dark lord."

I had an AC/DC shirt that was, of course, black. Jasper wore the painted face of Ozzy Osborne across his chest. That make up job alone was enough to induce nightmares. And Emmett had on a shirt for the group Kiss. Father held up a hand studying his Iron Maiden t-shirt and said, "I think I'll allow the boys to be the focus of attention. I prefer my own clothing."

Spoil sport.

Marcus said, "You must blend in with us if we're going to have the right effect. Alice, go help your father with his wardrobe."

Alice dragged Carlisle away, "Come on, you. We'll have you looking disreputable in no time."

I often forgot that physically Carlisle was so young. He's been turned in his early twenties.

When he returned, Alice had him dressed in a Van Halen t-shirt - a tight one that showed off his muscles, so said my sister. He had on jeans and leather boots. It certainly made him look different.

Marcus had purchased a fleet of Black SUV's, and we all piled into one of them and drove to our local Wal-Mart - which was all the way in Port Angeles. We alighted from our vehicle at the same time as the wolves got out of theirs. Jacob's car had proved to be too toxic. So they now were piled into a 1986 Gremlin that whimpered when they heaved their bulk out of it. Given their height and weight, they looked so strange with that vehicle. A few shoppers kept searching for the camera crew for the reality prank show that they were sure was being filmed.

Sam nodded at us gruffly from across the parking lot and told the others, "Move it."

"They're here," Paul whined, crossing himself.

"So what?" Jacob boasted and slapped his fist into his open palm in a display he thought intimidating. "We can take them."

"Excuse me, twinkletoes," Sam barked, "you don't get to decide what the pack does. I do. Stay civil and keep your eyes off of them. Their kind needs to shop, too."

How evolved of him.

Using my gift, I read Sam's thoughts, "Damn Jacob. That punk keeps trying to undermine my authority. I'm going to have to smack him around to keep him in line."

Well, that could prove useful. At vampire pitch, once the wolves were far enough away to be out of range, I told Marcus, "Sam is irritated at Jacob. He appears to feel threatened by him."

Carlisle said, "Well, from a hereditary perspective, Jacob should be the alpha. I'm not sure why Sam is."

I closed my eyes and consulted the wolf mind. "Sam was the first one to phase. That automatically pushed him up the ranks to the alpha. Jacob was one of the last to phase. Sam is worried that Jacob might try to wrest power from him."

"That would be bad if he did. Jake's an idiot." Jasper observed.

"Agreed." Marcus nodded. "But not for us. An idiot is far easier to control."

"Let's proceed, shall we?" Aro chirped, "We have shopping to do and minds to corrupt. And I need to buy music for my children. They've been training so hard. I must reward them. I hope this store has a decent music collection."

We passed a group of teenagers adorned in vintage 80's metal bands t-shirts. One said, "Rock on, old dude!" to Aro. If only he knew. He fist bumped Aro as they passed.

"Such curious greeting customs these young humans have," Aro said in his peculiar dialect of Italian.

"Welcome to Wal-Mart," an elderly man handed Marcus and Aro a leaflet.

"What is this?" Aro examined it.

"Oh, is this your first time shopping here?" The man asked. "I'm Burt."

"Yes, it is. I am Aro Volturi. I am pleased to make your acquaintance." Truth be told, Aro should have added it was his first time shopping this millennium. He shook Burt's hand carefully.

"We have a virgin!" The man bellowed to the other greeters. How did they know? Was it that obvious?

"Shut your mouth, Edward," Emmett thought to me, "before you make a fool out of yourself. That means that Aro has never shopped here before. They aren't talking about you. Look calm. Stop gawping." He clapped me on the back. Thank God for my brother.

Jasper had picked up on my confusion and panic and bit his lip to keep from laughing. I glared at him. I couldn't wait to lose my virginity with my wife. Because then they'd stop teasing me about being one for a century. Maybe.

"Dear," did your wife give you a shopping list?" One elderly woman approached us with a benign smile, "I'd be happy to help you find things. I know this store inside and out."

"How kind of you." Aro bared his teeth in a cherubic grin. The woman stepped back, uncertain. Humans did find us off-putting when their survival instincts kicked in.

"I have been here before, thank you madam," Father assured her. "We do not need many things."

"If you need any help you know where to find us," She shuffled away in her orthopedic shoes towards the sale racks.

Emmett fetched a shopping cart. "Well, what do we need?"

Father said, "Marcus helped me come up with the list."

The wolves were about twenty feet in front of us now, buying two-for-one packets of peanut butter and packets of athletic tube socks off of the weekly special aisle. What did they do, eat their socks? They looked like they were trying to clothe the newborn army.

"Do you want to divide the list?" Jasper, ever the model of efficiency, asked.

"We should stay together." Marcus looked positively vindictive now.

"Fine. Where to?" Emmett asked.

"We need to purchase condoms," Father said just loud enough that the wolves could hear.

Jasper played dumb. "Why? We never use them."

"Diseases are up in the sexually active population – both male and female – so having them is a good idea for . . ." his voice trailed off suggestively.

"Oh!" Emmett all but bellowed, "Got it. Yeah, wouldn't want to get caught with THAT problem. Rose would kill me and try to cut godzilla off."

He cupped his hands protectively over his crotch. Who named their manly parts godzilla? Really. Why not something impressive like Leviathan. Or Zeus? Godzilla was green and a lizard. Not something I'd want associated with sex if I was a female.

"Holy shit!" Jake said thinking we could not hear him, "They're fucking around on their wives."

The imbecile all but danced a jig in front of their basket he was so excited. He continued his foray into stupidity in his thoughts. "I am so telling Bella the first chance I get. There's no way she'd hang out with a bunch of cheaters."

Paul crossed himself and shared a disgusted glance with Embry. "Adultery is a sin." Paul mentally pontificated. "But the children are living in sin, too since I don't think they're married."

The imbecile- Jacob, that is- continued his mental march toward mediocrity. "What if Edward is cheating on her?" He turned to glance at me. I, of course, batted my eyelashes at Aro. Marcus, too.

Aro's lips twitched. He thought to me, "Is that Jacob as foolish as I think he is?"

"Worse," I answered in Italian. I mean, for crying out loud. I was a demon. Over a century old. And he was trying to out-think me? This was the mental equivalent of a minnow nibbling on a grizzly bear's toes.

"We're in America, for crying out loud. Why don't they just speak English," Paul mentally grumbled. "Oh wait. Those two are the Satan worshippers. And the other Cullen boys look like they've gone over to the dark side. Everyone knows AC/DC stands for Against Christ Devil's Children." Paul began to panic as he stared at Marcus' t-shirt. "What if they are casting a spell?"

I made sure that I reached for a can of peanuts so that my shirt sleeve rode up my arm revealing my pentagram at supernatural speed. Paul's eyes bugged out of his head.

"The mark," he hissed to Sam, while blanching an awesome shade of parchment.

"Huh?" Sam wondered what Paul was getting hysterical about.

"I saw the mark of Satan on his arm." Paul whispered just a little too loud and started fingering the cross at his neck. Several shoppers glared at the wolves and steered their carts away when they heard the word "Satan," coming from his lips.

"Paul, my friend, you need to lay off the religion. You are not possessed by Edward or his friend."

"I need to pray to Jesus for guidance."

"Do that, but in your head."

We meandered our way through the store grabbing random products essentially trailing after the wolves and trying not to be too obvious about it. Jasper added in two butternut squashes, "I like the way they are bent," he stage whispered.

Jake nearly squealed when Emmett added in a few thick cucumbers. "What?" Emmett blinked, "I'm nearly out. I have needs. They mold quickly from body heat." Not that we had body heat, but that didn't occur to the pack.

Jake smirked, "I knew that dude packed his pants. What a moron for using a cucumber." he tossed into the air his plastic package of socks, "Everyone knows you use tube socks."

One wondered why Jake would be staring at the crotches of other men. Was penis envy a condition that purported men could suffer from as well? If so, Jacob had a raging case of it.

We needed to buy some human food, so picked up things from Mother's list, lots of pasta, and whole grain bread, and spaghetti sauce. Aro went into hysterics over buying the most authentic spaghetti sauce seeing as they were Italian. Not that they had ever eaten it since pasta didn't show up until the 8th century AD, and tomato sauce in 1839. But still. They had their pride.

The real fun happened when we reached the pharmaceutical section of the store. The wolves were buying toothbrushes, toothpaste, and antifungal odor eating foot powder - not that it would help. We, on the other hand, caused eyebrows to raise when we all grabbed several boxes of condoms and tossed them in the basket, clearly outnumbering the food supplies.

"Get some of each type. We'll need plenty," Father said, emptying the rack in front of him.

"Damn, what are they planning an orgy?" Sam muttered.

All Jacob needed to hear was orgy and his filthy mind began spiralling out of control. "Jeez wait till I tell Bella! She'll dump Edward in a heartbeat. What if all the guys are getting it on with other women and worshipping Satan at the same time? And now I know what their animals are really for. They're clearly freaky like that."

Using a conversational tone, I thought it only fair that I repeat Jacob's thoughts in a dialect of Italian old enough that no one in the store could possibly understand it save the creaky vamps and my family.

"Jasper," Marcus smirked, "I think you should give Emmett a few lustful glances. Be sure to stare at the posterior of a few males while you are at it."

"Yes, sir." Jasper chortled. He gave a leer at Emmett at supernatural speed and blasted a bit of lust in the pack's direction.

Sam thought, "I think these guys need a room. I never knew they swung that way. Poor Bella. Wait. Are alll vamps bi?" The humans around were oblivious. They thought that nice Cullen family was out providing for their poor orphaned adopted sons. Who clearly had way too much sex.

My phone rang. It was Bella. "Hello, Bella." Ten feet in front of me, Jacob's ears perked up. This was going to be so much fun.

"Hi, Edward, the talk with my Dad went okay. He promises to behave. Alice dragged me shopping in Port Angeles. Save me. Where are you?"

"I am shopping."

"For what? You hate shopping."

I lowered my voice to a deeper pitch that I knew Bella enjoyed. "Not in this case. You could safely say that I am devoted."

"Okay, this I've gotta hear. What are you shopping for?"

"Condoms. I am at the Wal-Mart in Port Angeles."

"Would you like company?"

"I believe I would."

"Alice and I will be right there."

Aro waited just until Jake was eyeing us to pat and squeeze my ass at supersonic speed. "Hurry up, the dark Master awaits our next offering. We must prepare our dear virgin for the ceremony." He licked his lips. Douglas, who decided to make an appearance, was sitting on Aro's shoulder, waving his tail at Jake.

Jake ran. He planned on warning Bella as soon as he got home that we intended on sacrificing her to Satan. Idiot.

Douglas gave chase. He waited until Jake was in the produce section to cannon ball into a display of walnuts, sending them rolling in an avalanche to the floor under Jacob's mammoth sized feet. This caused Jake to conveniently wipe out, arms windmilling, and land with undignified shrieking into a stand of very ripe tomatoes. Which in turn caused on matron to shriek and point at Douglas, "RATS!" Which in turn caused a stampede of patrons abandoning their carts and trampling over Jacob in their haste to leave. Frick and Frack, my raccoon friends showed up with a broken bottle of cooking wine. Frack poured it over the stunned Jacob. As he sat up, my two rabble rousers ran away and were lost in the confusion.

Well, since Jacob had already bathed himself in the cure for skunk odor, I thought it was only fair, for scientific purposes, of course, that we test whether or not this did indeed make him smell less putrid if stenched. And I had a whole line of volunteers that came running out of the woods hiding in the parking lot waiting for their chance to unleash hell. They had been rather indignant when I had told them about Jake's inappropriate mental images of my mate and plans to seduce her.

Bella picked that moment to show up and witness the chaos. She stood just past the store entrance watching the chaos in the produce section with her hand over her gaping mouth.

Jake's eyes narrowed as he saw Douglas. He decided that it was the squirrel's fault he was covered in wine. Moron. Clearly it was the raccoons' fault. Couldn't he tell his wildlife apart? Jake licked the wine from his lips, wiped at his face and gingerly stood up.

I started humming, "Jesus Loves Me," and Paul immediately recalled that I had redone they lyrics to say, "Yes, Dark Master loves meeeeee." He started singing the words which caused patrons to shy away from him. Sam elbowed him in the side to get him to stop.

Douglas took advantage of the chaos to run up the barrel that held golden delicious apples and use it as a platform to dive in Bella's purse, which she quickly closed.

I waved at her to get her attention from the dog and approached her with all due speed. I couldn't have her trampled. Or ogled by that toad.

"I heard Edward and Aro planning on sacrificing you to Satan."

Bella said, "How hard did you hit your head, Jake? And," she sniffed, "have you been drinking?"

Jacob saw Bella's ring and completely forgot about saving her life. He blurted, "You're engaged?"

I threw an arm around her and grinned at him while saying at vampire pitch, "Upset her and I'll tear you to pieces. Sam will let me after your latest behavior."

Sam actually nodded at me and said, "What's up, Edward? Jake, behave." Aloud Sam called to Bella, "Congratulations!"

Paul looked like he was going to hyperventilate. "That poor innocent girl!" Paul thought, "Those bastards are going to sacrifice her to Satan. I just know it!"

At wolf pitch, Jacob spat, "Fucker, this means war. I'm not giving her up without a fight." To Bella, he oozed charm, "Hey, Dad really misses you. He's been sick lately. What say to celebrate your engagement, we have a get together over at my place? I'll cook. Next Saturday work for you?" I refrained from snorting. But only just.

Jasper and Emmett said, "Bull shit," at supernatural pitch.

Bella seemed uncertain. "Um, it feels kind of weird celebrating my engagement when my fiancé can't attend his own party."

Following Marcus' plan, I said, "Don't mind me, dearest. I know that you and Jacob are friends and need some time together before we leave for college and our new life. I'll be happy to drop you off and pick you up."

Jacob grinned and said, "Well, isn't that nice of you?"

"Jake," Bella warned. "Behave." She put her head against my chest and whispered, "Are you sure you're okay with this?"

"Of course. I trust you." What? I did. It was totally true.

"Okay, I'll be there," Bella said.

"Please excuse us," I asked Jake while leading my blushing bride away, "Bella and I have some shopping to do."

I took the cart filled with condoms and assorted foodstuffs and pushed it away. I leaned over to kiss Bella briefly, which drove Jacob insane.

"Edward, do we need all those condoms?" Bella whispered.

"I plan on putting them to very good use." I promised her.

Bella's eyes widened and she mischievously asked, "Can we move the wedding up? I plan on holding you to that."

Jacob cursed a blue stream when he saw her pat me on the backside. My mate. She just fondled me in public. Who knew? I should go condom shopping more often.

Jacob Black, you're about ready to become a footnote in Bella's life.

Bella leaned over and kissed me, "What say we head back to your place? I could use a nap."

I gave the cart to Marcus and said, "We'll see you at home." I could not get out of that store fast enough. I hummed Jesus Loves Me as we passed the wolves.

My phone chirped. I checked it to find a message from Tanya.

"On our way, hot stuff. Cannot wait to see you."

Please review. Edward is winking at you.

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