Chapter Ten
Her life became about making it to the next time she got to see Piper. She had to stay sane and not freak out or she could lose privileges. The next visit was behind glass but they got to talk for an hour. She would have given all of the time up if she could have held Piper when she told her about her therapy. She told her that she was proud and they talked about how Alex was talking to her mom a bit too much.
"Look, when she starts talking back, just go with it but remember you can just shut her off again if you concentrate. I used to talk to you all the time," Piper shared with her. That was when Alex knew that she did understand and she knew no matter what...Piper would be there no matter the shape she was in at the time.
She was felt up on the way to the showers some days after her Christmas visit and just lost it. She kicked away from him and told him not to touch her. She screamed it. "I don't consent to you touching my fucking breasts just because I want a shower." He jerked her up by her arm and drug her back to her cell. She stayed cuffed for the rest of the night. He came in to her cell and she backed up against the far wall. He twisted her around and pressed his body to hers as he took off the cuffs.
"I wrote you up for trying to kick an officer on the way to the showers...should get you a week or two without one. Enjoy your own stink, bitch," he growled.
"Better to smell myself than having to suffer through your fucking touch," she bit out. Inside she was kicking herself. She knew better! But she wouldn't show it to him. She was pissed and her emotions were running high from the adrenaline of having his big form in her small space. No one came inside her space usually and it was freaking her out.
"My next night shift, I'm going to show you how to respect your betters...this is just the beginning. I bet I can get you enough shots to lose visitation," he said with a smirk. Her pulse quickened. He couldn't do that could he? Fuck...she felt helpless because she didn't know how anything was going on the outside. Maybe Mandy lost her influence with the Warden. Maybe he forgot about her. Alex's mind ran wild at the thought of being forgotten. She feels that in the panic of her endless suppression.
She just glared at him and he laughed on his way out. "I thought it was strange that you had visitation really...Rarely do they let those in SHU see their relatives. Doesn't matter, you are still subjected to the rules and I'm sure you'll break some more...unless you take my training seriously." Alex felt her stomach drop. She was going to either have to give in to him or take the chance of losing her visits.
"Michum, you might want to check more than my visitation log...like why the Warden's personal assistant comes to visit me like clockwork. I know you want to show me you're this big man, but I'm a convict in a fucking cell and I could care less. I'm also a lesbian so don't take offense if I don't like your tit twisting and the way you like to rub my sex right after you cuff me, I'm sure all straight women find you irresistable. I don't. I'm not worth the world of trouble you're going to bring down on your head," she told him plainly. She saw some indecision on his face. He was used to getting his way and she didn't bend.
"See you soon," he said as he shut the door and slammed it. She cussed for an hour. It was days until she saw Piper again. Her next meals came as usual. She ate what she could and tried not to panic. She had eggs for breakfast and used the yokes to write in the back of one of her books. She was keeping track of days, counting down but she wasn't sure it was healthy.
Time passed for Alex in a daze. She wasn't allowed to shower and she got her period right before she was supposed to see Piper. The Assistant came as usual a day or two before. She asked him for sanitary napkins and he waited while they were fetched. Michum never came back on duty or if he did he didn't go to her cell. She kept sleeping with one eye open. Alex didn't mention his name to the assistant because she didn't trust the fucker. He was doing his job and could care less about her.
She was walked out and to the visitation by a female guard. Once they were in the hallway she pushed her outside and let her stand for a moment in the sun. "You smell. Air out here a minute...You never got a uniform. Wait here," she said with a smirk. It wasn't like Alex could go anywhere really, she was shackled. She enjoyed the sun on her face and tried not to mumble too much to herself.
She came back some time later and walked Alex on into the other building, then down a hallway to an empty office. " Change in here, leave your dirty clothes I'll get them to laundry. I got you a full set." She put down a whole new set, boots and all. She guessed her size was on file. "YOus hould ahve got these days ago, but you pissed someone off, I'm guessing." Alex clenched her jaw. She thanked her as she took off her cuffs. She was dirty but the fresh underwear helped. There wasn't a sink so she didn't get to wash up really. Alex ran her fingers through her hair some to try and make it more neat then she opened the door to step outside. The officer, Lewis was her name, she put Alex back in the shackles as she made her way up to the visitation.
The officer was reprimanded for making them wait. She explained I had to change and they should all be glad because Alex smelled. It made her blush deep red. Lewis led her into the room and she saw Piper was there with Mandy this time. Alex discovered that really only the two of them could see her if she wanted the visits where they could touch. That was fine with her; she didn't want her friends from her old life or her Aunt to see her there. She could tell form Piper's expression she looked awful. Piper's hand came to her mouth and her eyes started to tear up.
Alex frowned. DAmmit, she couldn't survive in prison and keep Piper from being hurt. She fucked up. "Hold on a minute there, I'll get her out of these," Lewis said as Piper moved forward.
"My client looks like she hasn't slept in a week. What exactly are you doing to her?" Mandy began.
"I've been unable to sleep...nothing to it. Thank you Officer Lewis," Alex said as she was released. The guard ignored Mandy and it pissed her off even more. "She gave me clean clothes, please don't." Alex asked Mandy. Piper thanked the officer before she left and practically ran up to Alex. She hugged her but stepped back.
"I lost showers for being an idiot...I'll get them back soon," Alex declared. Piper frowned at her. She knew anything could cost you things in the SHU.
"Did you throw your tray at them? They don't like that," Piper asked her. She stood back from Alex but still held her hand. Alex squeezed it tightly.
"No...I kicked at a guard...I'm lucky that is all I got. Like I said..I'm in idiot. On my defense though...I was PMSing," Alex joked. Piper winced and Alex knew she was aware of how she suffered without proper shower care.
"You can't fight them...they'll hurt you and take-" Piper started to chastize but stopped and looked at Alex. "You know this...I'm a fucking idiot. You're doing your best. I love you."
Alex smiled at her and they talked about other things. She was allowed to shower after that visit and her time passed as before. Alex started doing stretches each day and she was given new books. She got the keep the old ones too. She looked back over her marks and tried to keep her mind clear. She had really bad times when she thought about just ending it all. She kept thinking that no one cared but she'd see Piper again and know that wasn't true.
The next time Piper visited she brought a guest that surprised her. She thought she'd only see two people but before her sat two people. "Nicky?"
Nicky Morello sat in front of her in a lovely long skirt, her hair all up in a controlled fashion and a big smile on her face. "Yeah, it's me. You look like you've been eating shit for food in the SHU...still good to see you."
"You've got to eat it, even if you think you'll be sick," Piper spoke into the phone. Alex held her hand up to the glass and Piper pressed her palm close. Piper followed suit and it calmed her.
"I am...wow, you're out. Piper told me you might work that," Alex said to Nicky. Nicky told her all about her early release and how she is working at the convict restaurant as a manager.
"Technically, your wife got me a job at ETW but it is run through that outreach program they run at Red's old place. It is great really...I can't wait to bring you in and let the girls cook you up something," Nicky said with an enthusiasm that made Alex smile. They life outside that window was electric.
"How's everything else?"
Nicky knew what she was asking. "I'm clean still. I have a nice apartment not too far from work...and I go to a meeting three times a week. I have a sponsor. He did time too and seems to be doing well. This is my first time back here...I had to come with Piper though to see you."
"Thank you for visiting me. You going to visit Morello?" she had to ask.
"Yeah, she can't right now though...she got in trouble after I left. Red called Piper and told me. She is in there with you," Nicky said with a sad face. "No visitation for her though, is punishment." She said the word like she felt it was...bullshit. Solitary was not used as it was intended and Morello should have seen a counselor rather than be tossed where any mental condition she may have is made worse. Piper told her about the events she was doing with the Women's Prison Association.
"Yeah your wife was on NPR! I heard her which...says a lot about me now. I listen to NPR," Nicky said shaking her head. Piper blushed though and enjoyed the compliment. Alex felt her gut twist. She wanted to hear her on NPR. She wanted her life back.
"You can hear it once you're out. I was one of three guests, but they mentioned my blog and I have a great following now," Piper told her with a smile. She was so proud of her wife. They talked and laughed. Alex went back to her cell and had a few good days. She looked for Morello when she went to and from the shower, but she was kept away from others and more than likely, she wasn't in the same unit. Way too many people were in solitary. Piper told her some of the figures she found out in her studies. She had talking points that made Alex smile. She was really making a push to stop Solitary for women especially. It was inspiring to see her eyes flash with meaning. Alex held on to that for the next weeks. She saw Piper change and she fell further and further into her own darkness.
It was around the third month that she went on meds. Piper insisted and Alex gave into her. The food was better after that as well. At least once a day she got a tray from Litchfield's kitchen. It was brought down by a guard. Alex was living on it. She went through her phase of screaming and now then she was just silent all the time. She saw Piper once behind the glass and couldn't really talk. She had just asked her to talk. Piper rambled on and on about odd things. She had been writing on her blog and doing talks all around New York. She had been invited to speak in DC but she'd have to miss a visitation. Alex tried to get her to go but she wouldn't let hear it. Later, it had made Alex glad. She knew Mandy or Nicky would come see her for Piper but she had to see her wife. Each time Alex saw her she was reminded she wasn't really alone. It wasn't fair to ask her to stop her life because she had time.
The meds kept some of bleakness away. Time passed so slowly that she just lost track of it all. She couldn't remember which book she was reading and snapped back to herself once with one book pulled apart. She had some of the pages in her mouth. It really scared Alex. When the Assistant came, Alex didn't talk to him. She knew she'd see Piper soon and was really afraid what Piper would do. She was convinced Piper would give her divorce papers when she saw her. When they came to put on her cuffs, she resisted some. It was officer Lewis again and she talked to Alex.
"Okay Vause, you just got to do this..come on, don't fight...come with me and it will get better. I'll let you stand outside a bit," she cajoled. Alex went. It was that visit where she couldn't let Piper touch her. It was too hard to have touch then not. Piper was alone though and Alex liked seeing her.
"Please baby, just...one hug and then nothing...I will move back over here," Piper motioned on the other side of the small table. Alex pressed her back up against the wall.
Alex swallowed. "I like looking at you. I can't see you very well up close," she reasoned. It made perfect sense to her.
"Okay...this is good, you can see me here?" Piper stood about four feet in front of her. Piper wore a light sweater and tight jeans. Her shoes were these cute boots that made her a bit taller. Her hair was pulled up yet some fell to frame her face. Her hair was getting so long.
"Your hair...is so long," Alex observed. Her eyes drank Piper in like she was light after bleak darkness.
"You like it? I keep saying I'm going to get it styled but I don't take the time off. I just have to keep busy or I...don't do the things you want me to do," Piper admitted. Alex looked at her face and saw signs of the strain of having her locked away.
"I like it. Don't...I mean...I'll be alright. You smell good," Alex observed again. She felt stupid saying things like that but it was all she could focus on at the moment.
Piper moved closer to her and Alex held her breath. If Piper touched her she would shatter into a thousand pieces and start to scream. She wanted it and didn't want it...it was insanity itself. "You can smell me from over there. It is my lotion. Polly has the new baby items all ready and we're looking for a place like you said. She can't wait to head it up with you. I've got your job all lined up," Piper offered.
"I..don't know. I can't do a job," Alex mumbled.
"Sure you can. You can do anything...not long now, just-"
"Don't! Don't say it...I can't keep track and I shouldn't try," Alex cried out. Piper jumped and then looked at the door where Alex could see an officer's face. Usually they left them alone but maybe they are afraid she will hurt Piper. Maybe she would...she did things without remembering them.
"Okay baby, just...okay...you don't have to keep up with it. I'll do that for both of us. I love you Al," Piper said softly. Alex looked at her and felt true love.
She reached out and took Piper's hand. It was warm and real. "I am not sure what is going on in my head...but I know I love Piper. Alex loves Piper. "
"Yeah, Alex loves Piper and Piper loves Alex. I'm going to get you out of here...you'll see," Piper promised and Alex almost believed her. They held hands until the officer came to get her.
The next time she was taken from the cell, she knew it was too soon. Unless she lost days in her dazed existence. Alex was led into a different room and Lewis was there. "Put these on," she said and Alex took off her clothes. " Wait..here is a small shower...go ahead." Alex didn't trust her but she eventually got in the shower. Alex washed her body all over and used the shampoo and conditioner. She dried off and then put on her clothes. They were her own clothes but not the ones she wore in to the prison. She thought maybe she had to meet with Mandy or something. She was vaguely curious but half thought she was just dreaming as she was brought through another door and was left standing on some grass outside.
"Hey...Al," Piper called to her. She was standing there with paperwork in her hand. It was a lovely spring day.
"What...month is it?"
Piper blinked some at her question. "Um, late April. You're free a month early. I told you baby,"Piper said in a voice thick with emotion. She was standing back letting Alex get used to standing alone in the sun.
"You got me out early," Alex said with a scratchy voice.
"She threatened to write a book about your ordeal in solitary. She even got a few publishers to send her offers so she could take it to the warden. He put in good time for you and the prosecutors gave in to the pressure," Mandy explained. "You're free and your weekend time doesn't start for a month. You can't leave the state but you aren't restricted otherwise."
"I'm still on paper but no bracelet or..." she moved her arm towards the prison behind her. She turned so her back wasn't to the door but then she couldn't see Piper. Alex frowned some.
"Hey...Seth is waiting. No sign of any of Kubra's men by the way. He was deported...I was going to tell you but...you weren't," Piper didn't finish the statement. Alex knew she wasn't in the right frame of mind.
"Oh...good," Alex said softly to her. Piper smiled at her and held out her hand. Alex looked at it and then took her soft hand. She sighed some because Piper felt real.
"I'm really here and you're really going to walk with me to the truck...then we are going home. We have a medical team at home to check you out," Piper told her as they started to walk down the hill some to the truck she saw parked below.
It seemed a far distance to Alex but she had tried to keep up her stretches even when she was losing her mind. "You're walking well," Alex observed. Piper smiled at her and told her that Brian kept is promise...she went running just that morning. "That makes me happy kid," she said as Piper as they walked down to the truck.
"We're going to live through this, Al. We're almost there now," Piper stated when they stopped before the open door. Alex nodded at Seth then looked back at her wife.
"Yeah, we're going to live through this," she echoed. Piper squeezed her hand and motioned for her to get in before her. Alex did but she didn't let go of her hand.
**This may be it for this story. I got a certain DM that said I won certain tickets...soo I may be too busy to actually write more. I hope you enjoy the place they are now. Please Review. Fae***