AN: don't own

Bella's been a little quiet lately, how about we see into her head for a bit.

Chapter 10

BPOV

Over the past 72 hours since I made the decision to end my life, I would say things are a bit different. I was thrilled to see Emmett. I missed him so much. Surprise stayed with me as I felt a close bond to Rosalie now. How Edward described her as a self-centered bitch is beyond me. As I told her, with Rosalie, what you see if what you get. More people should be like her. There would be a lot less confusion in the world if people just said what they meant.

Seeing Jasper was a conundrum of feelings. I was grateful to be able to properly thank him for being so protective of me. I was sad to hear all the negativity coming from him about how he didn't deserve a soul mate. I used to think that Jasper didn't like being around people because he was an empath. Maybe some people's feelings were too much for him to handle. I now think that maybe Jasper just likes to be around select people. I heard him, Rosalie and Emmett downstairs whispering before I fell asleep earlier and he didn't sound like he was trying to have a conversation. Just that he wanted some peace.

I was sure that whatever he felt coming off of me was like being on a roller-coaster. I would have to try to control my feelings a little bit. I would hate to make him uncomfortable in his own home.

I knew I had to tread lightly regarding my expectations. I couldn't expect any of them to stay with me. I knew they would all leave again eventually. I had to learn to be strong before I could let myself get hurt again.

Rosalie was correct when she said that Edward was too controlling of me. Even in the short amount of time since she said that I have thought of at least half of dozen times that he took the decision right out of my hands. As I remember watching Rosalie and Emmett or Carlisle and Esme, I realized that my relationship with Edward was very different. The other couples discussed things, were partners towards a better life, built each other up without one being made to feel unworthy. That was NOT my relationship. Even after hearing about Jasper and Alice not being together anymore, he still wanted her to be happy. Definitely not what Edward considered for me.

I didn't agree with Jasper though. I thought he did have a soul mate out there. One that would appreciate his quiet nature and thoughtful expressions. I don't know if it had to do with him being an empath or if this is something he carried over from his human years, he was just very comforting to be around. There was no drama that went along with him. It felt like he was comfortable in his own skin. At least that was what I thought til he talked about his experiences.

I was hopeful that I would hear his story before they all decided to leave again.

I pretended to read for a little while and found my eyes getting very droopy. I shot a look at Jasper who had a little smirk on his face.

"Stop" before I could fall into a slumber.

As the drowsiness faded, I shot Jasper a sneer and chuckled. "Please don't do that"

"Sorry Bella, you just look like you could use a little more sleep. Even I know humans require more than the 4 hours you are telling me you are getting."

"Jasper, I have to learn to do it by myself. I have made many mistakes recently, but I have learned that I have to stand on my own two feet and be able to do things the right way. And that includes sleeping without influence of a certain empathic vampire. You won't be with me forever and I need to start doing things by myself"

I saw a flicker of something that looked like sadness across Jaspers face as I spoke. But it was gone so fast I wasn't sure so I let it drop.

"Yeah you're right. Good for you Bella, you seem to have a little desire to survive now. Different than what I heard last night and read in your letter."

"I don't know if I would believe that right now, but I think I am heading in the right direction. Rosalie helped me see a lot over the past couple of days. Edward made her out to be a royal bitch and a half. She isn't. I understand her a little more now. Too bad we couldn't have made this progress before. I would have liked to have her in my life."

Jasper looked off in the distance like he was trying to listen to something. Smiling back at me, "Rose said she likes you too. Now." His smile was so soft and genuine.

Jasper and I spent most of the day in his study reading. Occasionally we would stop and have a conversation about this or that. Nothing too heavy. I think we both needed a break from the recent events.

When I asked where Rosalie and Emmett were, Jasper had told me that they were working on fixing my truck. I took a few minutes to call Charlie. I hadn't called him yet and wanted to find out when he would be returning from Seattle. He informed me that he wouldn't be back until late Thursday and kept asking me if I would be ok. When I finally assured him that I was fine, there was a sigh of relief in his voice. I don't know if he really believed me or was just hoping for any difference in my behavior from the past four months.

Jasper sat quietly while I was on the phone with Charlie. His study was so relaxing, I was surprised he didn't spend all of his time here. I didn't know why in the beginning that I ran into this room. I just wanted somewhere that I hadn't been in the house. Other than Rosalie and Emmett's room, which I never would have dared to go into, it was either Jasper's study or the basement. Didn't really want the basement, Jasper's study was the final decision.

"I'm going to leave you for a little while Bella, I want to go hunting for a bit. Do you want me to ask Rosalie or Emmett to come back in from the garage?" my heart stuttered for a second in the beginning on his statement. If I hadn't seen the genuine look in his eyes, I would have thought I was going to return to the abyss that was my previous mindset.

I took a deep breath, trying to remember the Yoga breathing that Renee and I had learned 2 years ago when she decided to try it. Deeply breathing in and slowly exhaling I said, "No I am fine Jasper. If I get bored, I can go see them or read again. I may take a little nap or take a shower. "

Jasper shot downstairs, I could hear him telling Emmett and Rose that he was leaving. I curled up on his recliner, the blanket Rosalie gave me still hung over my shoulders. While the heat in the house worked fine, I had a repeated chill recently. I realized it was probably due to my weight loss, another thing I would have to work on.

I started making plans for my life while Jasper was hunting. I sat in the recliner and thought about all the time that I spent sitting in my room hoping that Edward and the family would return. I thought about what I put Charlie through and started crying again. I really did a number on my father and myself. I resolved to myself that I would start over now and really live.

Live the life that I WANT to live. I wanted to go to college. I wanted to experience certain things in my life. I guess that is what Edward and Rosalie had wanted for me too. The only difference is, now I would be doing it for myself and not because someone else is forcing me to.

I was going to learn to stand on my own two feet.

JPOV

I didn't really need to hunt, but figured if I was going to be around Bella for the next couple of days, I might as well be sure to be full. Plus there were a couple of things I needed to take care of that I didn't want Rose or Emmett to hear.

I looked at my phone, dreading the call I was about to make because I didn't know if I wanted to hear the answer I was looking for.

It went to voicemail immediately and I rolled my eyes.

"Alice, just because we aren't together anymore doesn't mean that you can ignore my phone calls. Call me back when you can, I need to speak with you and I am guessing you know what it is about."

Something in me told me she knew more about the situation with Bella than we did. Our conversations about Bella in the beginning were tense to say the least. The day Edward saved her from the van incident, I wanted to kill her. Yep I said it. I was willing to kill the girl that I just told everyone I wanted to protect. But I didn't know her then. Alice told me that she was going to love Bella and they were going to be best friends. How could I have denied her anything? So I didn't kill her.

After that, our conversations were slightly more cryptic. If Edward was in the vicinity, it was our unspoken rule to never discuss Bella or think about her. If we did think about her, it was always clouded by other things. I never understood it, but Alice said that this was something we needed to do. I learned quickly to never bet against the life size Tinkerbell.

If Edward wasn't around, there were short conversations about her needing to be in our family. Alice believed 100% that she belonged with us. Even after the birthday party incident, she still held fast that Bella was going to become immortal.

I pounded the nearest tree with my fist in frustration, watching it tumble into the forest, animals scurrying away from both me and the falling pine.

I felt my phone vibrate and smiled, 'finally she is calling back'. I answered it without looking at the caller ID.

"Well it's about time you call me back Alice, tell me what you know?"

"Well I know my name isn't Alice you ass, don't you look at caller ID before you answer a phone?" the only other voice that I trusted answered me.

Peter.

After being together in Maria's army, Peter and I had a true friendship. Our lives had become intertwined and even though we didn't see each other often, the bond of our friendship never faltered. The problem was, he was a know-it-all. Really, a know-it-all. He refused to think of this as a gift, because what information he did have was never the full story. I once called it woman's intuition, but after he fought with me for two days trying to decapitate me, I now just called him a know-it-all. Apparently, Peter would get 'feelings' about situations, vaguer than Alice with her visions, but while Alice's gift relied on decisions, decisions didn't seem to make a difference with Peter's. Seemed like whatever Peter had 'learned' was set in stone.

Like living in a freaking carnival show, this is my life. The seer, the mind reader, the know-it-all and the empath. Throw in Emmett and we even have 'the strong man'.

"Hello Peter. I am assuming since you are calling, you know something?"

"Hey fucker, how the hell are you? Can't I just call to see what my favorite Major is up to these days without having an ulterior motive?"

"No"

"Well, I guess since you don't want to catch up, I'll just say goodbye then. Hey it was good seeing you this summer. Tell Bella I said hi and I'm glad her parents taught her manners to thank us for killing the red headed bitch that was trying to kill her. Talk to you later." And then he hung up.

The fucker hung up on me.

The FUCKER hung up on me.

Calling him back, I had to make sure to moderate my strength with the cell phone. His cryptic shit got old so fast that I usually ended up tearing stuff up anytime I spoke with him.

"Hey major, how's it hanging? Long time no talk. What's going on?" in his usual sing songy sarcastic tone. I often wondered how Charlotte put up with him for so long.

"Tell me what you know Peter." I could feel myself struggling to keep the beast inside me in control and not start barking orders at him like I had all those years ago.

"Well since you asked so nicely. I just wanted to tell you that you need to let her go."

Confusion crossed my face as I put one hand on the tree next to me, leaning my head against the bark and kicking the trunk with my hiking boots as softly as I could. I thought he was calling with information about Bella. Here he wants to talk about Alice.

"Peter, I already let Alice go."

"Major, I am not talking about Tinkerbell. I am talking about Bella. I know you want to protect her, but you need to let her go."

Fucking son a bitch. I was already making plans to try and stay and help Bella through her recovery from Edward. Now this asshole is telling me I need to let her go.

"Peter, I have never seen a human go through something like this. I told you this summer that she is always full of positive emotions. Well that went right out the window when we all left. Rose and Em found her in the garage trying to kill herself. She tried to kill herself Peter. The pain I feel from her is outstanding and entirely consuming. I don't even know how she is functioning right now."

"But you have to let her go. Trust me. When she tells you her plans, you have to encourage her and then let her go. Come see Charlotte and I for a while. Bring the other two veg heads with you if you want. But you can't hold her hand. Listen, Char and I need to go hunt, come to the place in Colorado when you are done. We'll meet you there this weekend. Bye." He hung the phone up again.

I stood in the forest for what seemed like hours trying to sort everything out. I knew I had this feeling to protect her, but I couldn't understand why Peter told me I needed to let her go. Anyways, how am I supposed to protect her if I let her go? No, Peter got it wrong on this one. I'll tell Bella that I'll stay in Forks as long as she needs me and then we will go from there.

Yep, that's what I'll do.

My phone vibrated again. Rolling my eyes, I knew who it was automatically.

"Don't you fucking listen Major? I said, you have to let her go. You can't just hang around while she does what she needs to do."

"What do you mean, does what she needs to do? Peter, what she needs to do is get help getting over Edward, and I can help her with that."

"No you can't. She needs to do this on her own. Now, I ain't telling you again. You have to let her go."

"Fine."

Fucker. I hated him sometimes.

I ended up finding some elk on the way back to the house and decided to get a snack. I never heard back from Alice.

Arriving back to the house, I heard Emmett and Bella in the living room laughing and yelling at each other. From the sound of it, I would say they were playing some video games. When I walked in the back door I saw that Bella had showered and changed. Rose must have given her some more clothes. They still hung off her but I would imagine that she felt better all cleaned up.

"Hey Jasper, how was your hunt?" as she glanced at me over her shoulder. Not really waiting for an answer, she looked back to the TV only to realize that Emmett had killed her guy and the game was over. She put the controller down, walked past me into the kitchen. Bella's scent flooded my senses as she walked past me. I am glad that I caught that elk on my way back, while it didn't trigger an attack of blood lust, it definitely caught my attention.

The day past rather quickly, Bella hanging with Emmett and I while Rose finished her truck repairs. When Rose had finished, showered and joined us in the living room, sitting on Emmett's lap, Bella all of a sudden started to feel rather nervous. She was sitting on the other end of the couch from me, fidgeting her hands in her lap. I sent her some calmness and was immediately shot a death glare from her. Pulling it back, I apologized.

"Bella, I am just trying to help"

"I know Jasper, but as I told you, I need to learn to do things by myself, for myself." she started pulling her fingers through her hair, again flooding the room with her delicious scent. I knew she had smelt like freesia, but I was also getting some lilac and azaleas mixed in there. She smelled like spring, like a new beginning. "While Jasper was hunting, I thought a lot about what we have talked about the past couple of days. I wanted to thank all three of you for helping me so much and saving my life. I really appreciate it, more than I can express properly."

"Glad you are feeling better Bells, you know I love you. We don't want to see anything bad happen to you." Emmett leaned forward past Rose to tell her.

"That's the thing Emmett, I realized that if I am going to try and live life, bad things are going to happen. I just need to learn to deal with them better. I've made a couple of decisions that I wanted to share with you all. First, I am going to try and get over loosing all of you. While it wasn't my decision for you to leave, I realize that I need to accept it and move on." Emmett started to interrupt her, but she held her hand up to him to wait a minute. "Rose, I want to thank you very much. Your advice made me understand something. While I loved Edward with my whole heart, it wasn't a healthy relationship. I know you didn't want me as a sister in this family for your own reasons, but after spending some time with you over the past couple of days, I wanted to let you know that I do consider you a sister. Your honesty is one of the many things that I cherish about you."

Rose looked like she would cry, her venom tears filling up in her eyes. Touched by the words that were being said to her. She curled back up in Emmett's lap and put her head on his shoulder. He gave her a 'not so subtle' squeeze.

"Emmett, I want to apologize again for yelling at you. You deserve so much more as a big brother. And I do consider you my brother. Take care of Rose like I know she takes care of you. I really do love you." Emmett gave her a nod and huge smile.

"Jasper…My protector. I can't believe I got it right with that one. You know Edward always said I was observant, but at one point, I thought I had it wrong. I knew I didn't, but I didn't want to believe that Edward was really trying to drain me. I can't thank you enough for all the times that you helped me. I know from our conversation earlier that you don't believe you deserve a soul mate because of something in your past, I want to tell you that you are wrong. Whatever happened back then was before you made the decision to change. You changed and when people change for the better, wonderful things happen. I sincerely hope that you find happiness again. Somewhere out there is one lucky vampire because you are going to sweep her off her feet and she won't know what is happening."

I chuckled a little. As much as I would love to believe Bella, she never heard my story. The way she was speaking, I wasn't sure if she every would. It sounded like she was saying goodbye.

"I know Charlie doesn't come home til tomorrow, but since Rose was kind enough to fix my truck, I am going to leave now. Emmett, I know you are going to be mad. But I really have to learn to do things on my own." Emmett looked like he was going to say something, but Rose shook her head at him, his face fell.

"If it isn't asking too much, I was wondering if maybe we could keep in touch though? Maybe email or calls?" I got up to get some paper from Esme's desk in the living room, grabbed a pen and quickly wrote all three of our contact information down for Bella. Handing it to her, I got a huge dose of appreciation thrown my way.

"I'm proud of you Bella. Choosing to live after what we put you through is very brave." I thought back to my conversation with Peter and with every part of my being, I just wanted to tell her I would stay and help her through this, I kept my mouth closed. A smile crossed her face and for the first time since I saw her a couple of days ago, it looked genuine.

Bella finished getting her stuff while Emmett pulled her truck around to the front of the house. We all walked her out of the house; she pulled each of us into one last hug and thanked us again. It was not lost on any of us that we may never see each other again as she pulled out of the driveway. She had our contact information and we would leave it in her hands should she decide to use it.