Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

Poor Di really got harassed by his fangirls in the last session. He's not out of the woods yet. Isaak's revenge looms.

RCO Radio Hour

Session 10

Isaak: Flamberg, which one would you recommend for the little twerp who got our Nuremberg lodge demolished? The cat-o-nine-tails? A branding iron? (ponders a wide selection of instruments of torture)

Dietrich: Mmf! Mmf! (screams into gag and struggles against his chains binding him to a dungeon wall)

Radu: I would recommend the knout. Heavy leather braided with steel, guaranteed to split the skin… (More muffled screams from Dietrich as Isaak tests out the knout vigorously.)

Isaak: That was really a stress-reliever. Oh look at the time. Give him 20 more lashes, Flambreg (adjusts tie) Are we on the air? Good. Gutenabend (Good evening in German), Dietrich is a little indisposed today. Where was I? Oh yes, The Pope sends his condolences and fairly useless prayers to the survivors of Barcelona, if any, after a massive earthquake levelled the town. All the buildings were levelled except the derelict dump known as Sagada Familia. Oh, Abel Nightroad, about that hot senorita you were hanging out with, my condolences to you. But you know you had your fun.

Radu: On the Vatican front. Sources say that Cardinal Alfonso, estranged from the Church for so long in self-imposed exile in Madrid, will be visiting the holy city. If we are lucky, we may be following up with some traditional Italian intrigue. Poison in the soup, anyone? Or maybe those Inquissie bullyboys will take his Eminence for some softening up.

Isaak: Personally, I would go for the poisoned bedspreads. You know they say the Duchess of Milan has offered lodging to her uncle and he has graciously turned down her offer. Wise choice. Is she due to go on that diplomatic jaunt yet?

Radu: Not while Uncle's in town, I suppose. On to the weather report… Take it away, Di. (ungags a bloodied Dietrich)

Dietrich: I swear I will get level with you…gak! (chokes as Radu rams the gag back in)

Isaak: I guess he's still an ill-disciplined brat. Reiz, would you like to light a bonfire at his feet? No? Good luck with your date, Reiz. Now for the weather report. Rain showers in Rome. Sunny days in Byzantium. That's all for the news. Radu, put on some Brahms and let's see if we can persuade Di to scream in tune. You only have yourself to blame for your plight, boy. I did not appreciate getting run out the opera in the middle of Aida by my own kin thanks to your grave-robbing. Listeners, you may call in.

Lady Assessen: Hello all at the RCO, I hope all is well with you'll. For some unknown reason, that ex-yeniceri that followed me, has been actiting very strange lately, like first he tells me that I should start some sort of rebellion, for 'the good of my race' that kid's been full of crap like that lately, but the worst part was when I ignored him he actually went of and tried to start a rebellion on his own, and I had to go and save his sorry little ass. And when I asked him where he got such an idea form he said a 'Mr. Dietrich' told him this would impress me, now what I want to know is if someone has been messing with this kid's head?

Isaak: I apologise for any distress caused by his lame advice in my absence. (Pops open a bottle of vodka and empties it liberally over Dietrich's wounds. More muffled screaming) You take the next call, Flamberg.

General Zargon: Hey, sorry I couldn't call in last time, but I was busy kicking Vampire butt at poker. I now have the Viscomtess of Odessa, plus the Count (or Duke, I can never remember his title!) of Memphis in my debt. They both owe me 50 dinars from when I hit them with that straight flush! But anyway, I'm happy to say that I examined the ranks and only 100 of the 500 new recruits can be labeled incompetent! That's an improvement from the last batch. Anyway, I have a serious problem, my mother-in-law is coming over before the wedding to make sure I'm good enough for her little girl. Any ideas on how to make a good first impression?

Radu: Well, I have no experience with mother-in-laws. But my father-in-law seems to trust me when I show that I am capable of taking care of his daughter. Set up a mock robbery so you can rescue your gal, and make sure her mama witnesses it. Act caring, polite and gentlemanly, dress neat and comb your hair. That's the advice my pa gave me. Next call.

Ion: I need some help. I am being assigned to some gig to nowhere. I am gonna be stuck choking on dust in a Terran-run shanty town. But if I refuse this mission, I will break grandmama's heart. What should I do?

Radu: I recommend you get some company. Misery loves company.

Ion: Thanks! I know just the person. Grandma, can I choose my partner for this trip? Really? Thanks. Wait till I tell Radu the good news! (runs off)

Radu: No, wait!

Isaak: Shot yourself in the foot, Flamberg?

Firey-Moonlight: Taking your advice quickly, I nearly choked my former partner to death before some priest came along and I nearly lost my head due to said priest throwing some throwing disks at me. Someone up there hates me, its the convict who's working for the church! That Dagger or Dandelion character, the one responsible for turning my own partner against me! My blood boils at the very sight of him, he's going to pay...any creative ideas from your side?

Isaak: If you have been listening in, you should have some interesting ideas involving branding irons and whips. Next call.

Mazda Kitsune: Hey, Dietrich! I took your idea about the werewolf, and I need to tell you two things... one, said stalker is dead... two, Mr. Werewolf here has decided that he wants me as a... well, you get the idea... (eyebrow twitch) I need a solution, Di... or I'll send the Were over to you via Methuselah airmail to join Reiz...

Isaak: Send him over. I am sure Di will enjoy the company.

Radu: Sir, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but we have visitors…. (Gets knocked out of the way as a pack of von Kampfer kin rushes in)

Random von Kampfer: Isaak! How could you dig up Great-grandma Emma? And Great Uncle Fritz is the last straw. Lynch-mob time! Get the hempen collar and lob it over the rafters, Hilda! (Cheers of approval from the other kinfolk)

Isaak: Wait! I have nothing to do with whatever happened in the crypt. I was in Hispania!

Icequeen: Just in case anyone's interested, I took the liberty of taking a few 'happy-snaps' of our favourite magician on his Barcelona holiday. Moonlit strolls on the harbour side in a very fetching pair of black board-shorts. Going at a reasonable price (wink)

Isaak: I want them, especially if they got the dates they were taken on them!

Author's Notes:

Imagine getting rousted by your own family for the desecration of the family crypt. Haha, I guess Di will be in for a hell of a time after this. Or will it be a case of Di's revenge?