A/N: OK, I'm going to stop trying to predict future chapter lengths. I do have a long term plan for this fic, so don't worry about that. I just can't seem to accurately predict chapter breaks.
Also, I really appreciate the feedback in the reviews. As a first-time fanfic writer, I'm very interested to know how people are receiving my work, and the feedback helps me to know if I'm on target, especially in a fic like this where the backstory is revealed over time. Thanks go to some recent reviewers who definitely seem to have picked up on some key points so far.
icesk8er: Yup, they sure do have a lot to work through. I find it interesting to play with what happens when they've been in love with each other for so long without the other knowing it. You've got this internal love each has for the other that's kind of advanced, while at the same time their outward expression of it is so new. And yes, Quinn and Santana's conversations will always be lively and strangely supportive, even if the support will at times be 'tough love'.
RachelBarbraBerry: Yes! Small steps, Quinn. She has trust issues, as in she doesn't trust people to accept her for who she is. I do actually have character growth in mind for her. Rachel will definitely help with that.
And finally, I've updated the story summary to include the statement that I may start to diverge from canon after around season 3 episode 1. I picked that point because personally that's where I start feeling unhappy with the choices the show made with Quinn's character. So for the purposes of this fic, I would like to think that Rachel had more to do with pulling Quinn out of her skank phase. And for two, I'm claiming that the real reason Quinn is a mess senior year is that she finally admits to herself that she is gay but is too scared to come out. I don't know how much of that particular backstory will come out in this fic, so I thought for those who might be interested I'd mention it here.
Sorry to those who don't like long author's notes. I always enjoy reading such notes myself.
Chapter 10 – Coming Out
Quinn tried to make light of the heavy conversation by strolling back to the paved path and casually flipping her wrist, "Don't worry, I'm not going to run away that easily."
Rachel smiled with concern as she started following Quinn. "When would you start running away?" she inquired delicately when she caught up to the blonde.
"What?" Quinn asked, twisting her head towards Rachel in confusion. "Oh…no, I just meant I'm not going to do something stupid the moment I feel scared. We're not in high school any longer."
Rachel nodded her head but remained silent. They reached the path and Quinn turned to her. "So Rach, left or right? Where do we go from here?" Quinn smirked and looked over at Rachel expectantly.
Rachel's smile grew more earnest and replied, "Well, I don't know if I'm ready to break out into a song, but would it be too boring if we went back to the same café that we visited yesterday? I could go for a cup of tea."
"The café it is then," nodded Quinn in agreement.
They walked in silence for a few minutes on the winding, tree-covered path to the café. She felt the brush of Rachel's hand a few times while they were walking and she knew Rachel was probably hinting that she'd like to hold her hand. Quinn would have loved nothing more than to entwine her fingers with Rachel's, which was why she felt like she was letting her down when she pulled back each time instead, finding other ways to occupy her hands. She knew she was sending mixed messages and this must be very confusing for Rachel. After all, she had just been lying on the ground, with Rachel on top, making out with her! Yet she couldn't even hold her hand now?
The thing of it was, she'd let herself get lost in Rachel's presence. Everything and everyone around her disappeared in that moment, and it was just the two of them. That's all she really wanted, to be alone with Rachel and share the deepest thoughts and feelings that she'd been keeping to herself all these years. Rachel… talented and driven, voice like an angel, lips soft and full, a smile that melted her on the spot when it was directed her way. No one else was invited to this reverie!
But then they were rudely interrupted and reality came crashing down around her. A private moment had turned into a spectacle for people to judge and react to, and this was exactly the kind of attention she didn't want. She wasn't doing anything immoral or wrong! What right did they have to insinuate that what she was doing was a sin?! Wasn't that between her and her God?
She was still shaken.
Rachel finally spoke to break the silence. "Quinn? I'm getting the feeling that you're still a little freaked out about what happened back there."
"I'm okay," replied Quinn.
Rachel looked at her skeptically.
"Really, Rach. I'll be fine."
Quinn cringed inside, knowing that would not be enough. Not for Rachel. She deserved more from Quinn. She tried again, "Okay. I'm a little scared, to be perfectly honest."
"That's okay, Quinn. I understand, really I do. The important thing is, you're opening up about it!" Rachel replied with encouragement. "Have you talked to…many other people about these feelings? A therapist?"
Quinn looked over at Rachel with an 'are you kidding' raise of her eyebrow.
"Okay, dumb question," Rachel chuckled. "But selfishly, I have to say, I like that you're talking to me."
Rachel smiled and put her arms around one of Quinn's in a side hug, holding on as they walked. Somehow, while entwining their hands in public was a little out of her comfort zone, Rachel holding on to her like this had a very calming effect. Quinn couldn't figure herself out.
"So who have you talked to, Rach? What was it like for you to come out?" asked Quinn.
"I've only confided in Kurt and Doctor Schlessinger."
"Doctor Schlessing–"
"My therapist," replied Rachel.
'Of course,' thought Quinn. Rachel would be the first of all her former Glee classmates who she would suspect to have a regular therapist.
"Kurt's only known for the past couple months. Do you remember, after Finn and I broke up last summer, how much you and I started hanging out?"
"Best summer of my life, Rach," Quinn smiled thinking of all the memories of going to Cedar Park, the beach, the pool… 'mmm, the bikinis, dat ass!' She started imagining what next summer would be like as her…girlfriend?
"Well, I guess you could say the realities of leaving Ohio caught up to me by the end of the summer. One day Kurt and I were sitting out by your pool and you had gone inside to get us some refreshments. He made some flippant remark to me about how much I was going to miss being waited upon by Quinn Fabray and it just hit me all of a sudden. I burst into tears and told him I was heartbroken at the thought of leaving you and that I might be falling for you."
"Awww! Actually I think I remember that day," said Quinn. "I came outside and your eyes were all red and you said it was from the chlorine, which…didn't really make sense to me since I didn't remember you going into the pool…"
"Yeah. I lied," admitted Rachel. "I wasn't sure if what I was feeling could be real. I've never been attracted to any other woman. I thought maybe it had something to do with all the attention you were giving me. I don't know. I just knew I wasn't ready to risk everything between us to talk to you about it then. It'd been such a great summer…"
"Yeah…" sighed Quinn.
Rachel leaned her head on Quinn's shoulder and continued. "Kurt's been very supportive though. Well, mostly. I'll admit he's been very protective of me and a little wary of your…intentions, given our history."
Quinn rolled her eyes. Last night's phone call wouldn't have helped that any.
"I told Doctor Schlessinger about these feelings soon after telling Kurt, but I think he's known for quite some time. He didn't seem at all surprised. He's the one that helped me come to the conclusion that, if I had to put a label on my sexual orientation, I would describe it as pansexual. I don't have any predispositions. Anyway, I haven't told my dad or daddy yet because…well I hadn't sorted out everything until recently, and I knew they would be the most inquisitive of anyone."
Rachel continued, "So what about you? Who did you first come out to? If you don't mind me asking."
Quinn cleared her throat first before responding. "Hayley. A few weeks ago, actually."
"Oh," said Rachel flatly, masking any emotions running through her head. She dropped her arms back to her own side as they continued to walk. "I guess that makes sense since she's…"
"Gay?"
"In love with you," Rachel corrected.
There it was. Quinn could always count on Rachel to bring things out in the open, wearing her heart on her sleeve at the same time. She closed her eyes and swallowed the fear rising in her throat. "Rach, I don't want to talk about Hayley right now. This is not about her."
"I beg to differ, Quinn. I think part of this is."
"And how is that?" asked Quinn, getting a little agitated.
"The fact that you came out to her instead of someone who you've known for much longer like Santana or Mercedes has to mean something."
"What? Jesus! Okay, if we must involve her, I chose Hayley to confide in because I needed someone to talk to after you left last time. I was really sad and depressed and I knew exactly why. Ironically," Quinn chuckled, "it was because I had such a good time with you that weekend, I didn't want it to end…ever," Quinn began to tear up as the weighty feelings of that weekend came rushing back. "I wanted so much more from you, but I was convinced, after all the years I've known you, that these were feelings you would never be able to reciprocate. So…I was desperate to talk to someone about them. I felt like I was going to burst if I just continued to keep them to myself. And I knew I could trust her not to laugh in my face or lecture me about the sins of my ways when…" Quinn's voice slipped an octave as she choked back her emotions. "When I came out for the first time… and told someone I'm gay."
"Oh baby, I'm so proud of you, really I am" said Rachel as she comforted Quinn with a hug.
Quinn brushed back some of the tears that had fallen and continued, "She encouraged me to talk to you, actually, and not hold back the truth any longer."
"I'll bet she did," Rachel smirked.
"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Quinn, fearfully searching Rachel's eyes for understanding.
Rachel sighed for a moment and looked down before she spoke softly. "Quinn, you're not going to deny the fact that she's interested in you, are you?"
"No, but I don't have any interest in her!" stated Quinn desperately.
"I never said you did," said Rachel as she looked back up into Quinn's eyes. "Be that as it may, that right there gives me reason to doubt that her intentions with you were completely innocent that night."
"That doesn't matter!" countered Quinn, "It still helped to have someone to talk to!"
"That doesn't…what?" asked Rachel, confused. "Yes, it does matter, Quinn!" implored Rachel. "And what did you tell her?" she reminded Quinn, "You told her that you wanted more from me, but were pretty sure I would never feel the same way. I'm sure it became obvious to her that I was the roadblock in the way of you getting on with your emotional life, allowing yourself to have feelings for someone else. So what better way to get you to move on than to convince you to spill everything to me. Get my supposedly inevitable rejection over with so that you could go back and have a good cry on her shoulder and realize that your hang up with me was pointless. And then she could swoop in and pick up all the pieces."
"Rach, I…" tried Quinn, but she had so many emotions swirling around in her mind that she couldn't quite get herself composed enough to respond. She knew what Rachel was saying was probably true. No…who was she kidding, it was chillingly spot on. There was nothing to argue about. The only problem was that it was only half of the naked truth of what happened that night. Quinn's tears continued to flow as she thought about everything else that'd been said and done – choices she made – stupid choices – that she didn't want Rachel to know. It would devastate her.
It doesn't matter though, Quinn told herself. It happened before she was with Rachel, Hayley swore herself to secrecy about that night, and most importantly, Rachel was absolutely the one she wanted to be with.
"Lucky for me I got to you first before she could dig her claws in, right?" Rachel smiled sweetly as she pulled Quinn into a hug.
"I don't deserve you," cried Quinn as she returned the hug, holding her tightly as she sniffed up her last tears.
"Well, you've got me," replied Rachel.
'Oh god, I'm a horrible person,' thought Quinn.