Dedicated to my readers, my reviewers, and everyone else who has given this story a chance.
A/N: I'm trying very hard to get back into the good graces of my readers and so here is another peace offering from the inner workings of my mind. I hope you enjoy, and you probably won't but that's okay because I kind of expect it with the plot line of this chapter BUT SPASHLEY WILL PREVAIL! So remember that while reading this one because i did what was necessary and uh, just don't kill me?
On with the story!
I pull away with an expression that must mirror one of someone who had been slapped across the face.
"What the fuck, Spencer? Are you serious right now?"
Pushing away from the wall, I quickly distance myself away from the crying blonde.
She doesn't get to do this.
"Not with me? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Do you want me to find Brooke fucking Davis because your best fucking friend isn't good enough for you? Or would you like me to get Nathan because he's a guy and that way your perfect little fucking world won't get fucking fucked up!"
"Yes! I'd rather have either of them than you right now. You are my best friend Ashley. Why the hell would I risk losing you over any of this? You're more important and I can't end up hurting you."
I laugh humorlessly, the sound seeming bitter even to my own ears.
"Well, you're doing a fucking wonderful job at that Spencer. Thank you, for jerking me around and making me believe that you really gave a shit how I felt throughout this whole thing."
Spencer looks taken aback for a moment before her eyes flash dangerously and even though I know that I'm stepping into treacherous territory, I can't seem to stop myself.
"Fuck this. No, actually, fuck you, Spencer. I'm leaving."
"Oh, that's rich Ashley. Go ahead and leave just like you always do when you don't want to take the time to talk about something."
I whirl around and push my face right against hers, ignoring the hitch in my breath and hers at our sudden close proximity. It doesn't matter right now because I'm threatening her, daring her to say another word.
"I wish I could fucking hate you Spencer Carlin."
I watch my words take effect and smirk evilly in the blonde's direction before picking up the remaining shards of my heart and turning towards my car.
A hand catches my wrist and I'm overwhelmed with the desire to both wrench my hand from her grip and to press into her body and kiss every inch of her skin for the rest of my life.
Instead, I settle for a chill-inducing glare but leave my wrist in her grasp. I could feel every finger of hers pressing firmly against my skin and my eyes flutter at the thought of them pressing in a similar fashion in much more private areas.
"Please don't leave me, Ashley."
The emotion behind the words catches me off guard and I feel the anger slipping away but I quickly compose myself and hide behind an indifferent facade.
"Why, Spencer? Is there really any reason you could give me that could convince me that staying here with you is actually the best thing to do?"
"I can! I mean, I have one…just- Ashley, I need time. I've always needed time for these kinds of things and you know that. You can't tell me you love me and expect me to just be okay with it because I'm not and I'm not gonna be for a while. You tell me you're into me when I just start getting comfortable with the idea of being with another girl. Then when I'm trying to separate the difference between my feelings for Nathan and Brooke, you sweep in and steal Brooke away. So now we have to add in the jealousy I'm feeling because you two decided to make out. Ashley, did you ever think why I chose Brooke? Were you completely ignoring me when I told you how much alike the two of you are? Think about it for a second, Ashley. Why the hell would I go out with someone that is pretty much your clone?"
The words cause me to mentally stumble and my silence spurs Spencer on.
"I can't go out with you Ashley. I cannot lose you."
The words are hard to stomach and I find it hard to believe that Spencer might have even the slightest doubts about our relationship.
Suddenly, my knees are buckling and I step backwards, my hands fumbling to find purchase behind me to help hold me up.
Spencer reaches out a hand to steady me but I take another step back because I really can't be intoxicated by her presence right now.
I see the hurt in her eyes and before I know it, I'm enveloping her in my arms and comforting her.
Was there any doubt that this was going to happen?
There shouldn't be because anyone who's spent five minutes with Spencer and I know that I couldn't walk away from the girl even if I tried.
"Nothing is going to make you walk away from you. Now, stop crying and let's go inside."
I lead Spencer inside the flat and she takes a seat on one end of our couch. Walking over to the fridge, I pull out two bottles of water and hand one over to the blonde before taking a seat on the opposite end of the sofa.
Although I notice the corners of Spencer's lips frown slightly, I ignore it and take a swig of the bottle.
There is an awkward silence that befalls the room and I, for one, have no idea on what I'm supposed to be doing because awkward conversations with Spencer are like walking in on your parents doing the nasty.
It's just not supposed to happen.
I fiddle with the cap on my water bottle and stare at my hands and anywhere else that isn't Spencer. I'm sure she's doing the same until suddenly the silence is broken.
"Where's Brooke?"
I'm caught off-guard by the question because it was the last thing I was expecting and I stumble over my words as my brain works double-time to catch up.
"Oh- uh- she left. A while ago actually."
Spencer furrows her eyebrow and I stifle the desire to smooth the wrinkles away with my fingertips.
"How? We were in the front of the door the whole time."
I scratch the back of my neck, before deciding to just tell Spencer the truth.
"She jumped out my window and army crawled to her car while we were arguing."
"Oh."
"Yup."
"Smart girl."
There is another beat of silence before Spencer makes eye contact with me and the giggles start up deep inside our stomachs, bubbling to the surface and spilling over until we're clutching at our sides, our chests heaving and our faces flushed.
The awkwardness has passed and I don't think I've ever been more grateful before.
However, there is a little thought that's been nagging at my mind and shyly, I muster up enough courage to request an answer, "Spence?"
The blonde doesn't open her eyes but turns her head to acknowledge that she hears me, "Hmm?"
"I was wondering something…"
"Mmm-hmm?"
"Did I, like, mess up my chance with you now?"
Spencer's eyes flutter open and she gazes into my eyes with an intensity I've never seen before in my life.
She keeps gazing at me and at one point I feel as if she's managed to worm her way inside my head and listen to my inner most thoughts. When she speaks, her voice is so soft that I almost miss it in the beginning.
"Before I do anything, Ashley, I need to figure out if this whole girl crushing thing is a onetime deal or not. It started with you because everything important in my life always has so what would make this the one exception to the rule? I noticed your touches, your kisses, your every little expression in a totally different perspective. I want you Ashley, but I don't think I could live with myself if I ended up hurting you. I know what I did was wrong but you offered me something that I had only dreamt about and what if the next morning; it wasn't there for me anymore? It was wrong, I know! But I can't take it back and there's a part of me that really doesn't want to. I kissed you Ashley Davies, and it was everything I imagined it to be and so so much more."
A smile emerges on my face and my gaze drops to the floor as a rosy tint appears on my cheeks.
"What about Nathan?"
Spencer frowns again and tilts her head to the side in thought, "Well…I'll probably see him again. I have to figure out what I'm feeling and having both a guy and a girl in the picture might be helpful."
Anger begins to build up in my system but I push it down and try to convince Spencer otherwise.
"No, you don't. That's not fair to him, Spencer!"
It's not fair to me is more like it. Like I actually care how Monkey boy feels.
"I highly doubt he even remembers my name, Ashley. I'm also pretty certain he has more girls than just me on his plate at the moment."
Suddenly, the thought of Spencer and Nathan in bed together begins to assault my mind. I swallow hard, willing myself not to gag aloud at the mental image and voice my concern to the worried blonde.
"No! Of course not! We never got past making out really. He's a bit of a jerk if you haven't noticed and too much of an asshole for me to go through with something that drastic."
"Then why go through any of this at all!?!" I shriek at the unsuspecting blonde because really, I've had it today. I've reached my level of understanding and I'm going to be as selfish as I want to be for the rest of today.
Spencer flinches at the sudden outburst and I immediately deflate.
My body slumps on the couch and I take in a shaky breath.
"Listen, Spence. I- uh- I think I should spend some time over at Kyla's."
The blonde's head jerks up and she looks panicked and terrified that I could even be suggesting such a thing.
When she opens her mouth to say something, I hold up a hand to silence her because we all know that one word from her mouth and my resolve would crumble immediately.
"I think we both need time to think this through clearly and I just think, err, well I know that it's better if I go."
I stand up and leave the room, gently closing my bedroom door behind me. After sending a quick text to Kyla, letting her know what had just happened, I pulled out a small bag and began packing whatever I wanted to take with me.
Fifteen minutes later, I quietly made my way back into the living room only to find Spencer in the same spot with her head in her hands. She glances up at me and her red rimmed eyes cause my heart to lurch and my stomach to drop.
I clear my throat and gesture to the bag unnecessarily, "I- ahem- I'm ready now, so I guess I'm going to head out now."
Spencer nods weakly and stands, her body swaying slightly. I resist the urge to reach over and steady her and instead focus my concentration on the front door and willing my feet to move in that direction.
I spare one last glance at Spencer, standing there with her arms wrapped around herself as if she was cold or trying to protect herself from something."
Or someone.
The thought left a bad taste in my mouth and I pulled open the front door only to be pulled back inside.
Soft lips brushed up against mine and the sweetest voice breathed over my tingling lips.
"I'm trying, Ash. I swear I am."
My eyes flutter open in time to see her bedroom door closing and I let out a sigh before walking out of the flat and closing the front door behind me.
My front door.
All of a sudden, I'm overwhelmed and I find myself unable to stand straight. Slumping against the door, I swallow a sob and whisper brokenly to no one at all.
"For my sake, Spencer. Try harder."
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