Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.

Warning: This story contains scenes of self-inflicted injury in a very detailed manner so consider yourself forewarned.

A big thank you to my betas Maddux and Owlpostagain. You guys are amazing!

Chapter 10: My World

I'm not comin' back,
I'm not gonna react,
I'm not doin' shit for you.
I'm not sittin' around while you are tearin' it down around us.
I'm not livin' a lie while you swim in denial,
'Cause you're already dead and gone,
You leave me out on the curb just like everyone else before you.

Welcome to my world,
Where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone.
Another lesson burned,
And I'm drowning in the ashes,
Kicking,
Screaming,
Welcome to my world.

My World – Sick Puppies

Charlie was out fishing by the time I woke up to get ready for my day with Alice. His excitement over not having to force me out of the house did not help with my mood. The only thing truly motivating me to get out of bed was the fact that I would not have to spend the day alone with Alice.

My own trust issues were messing with my thoughts as I got ready, tainting them with paranoia and fear. I didn't trust them to stick around, and that only made me work harder to keep them at arms length. Even as Emmett and Edward wormed their way into my life, I continued to try and push them out. Then there was Alice, scheduled to arrive at my house in the next half hour, who knew more about my issues than anyone else, without me having to say a word.

We had exchanged secrets without really meaning to and it had forced me to let my guard down. I had let her in, more so than anyone else I knew, and yet by normal standards she knew nothing concrete about who I really was. So, then, why was it so hard for me to even hang out with her or see her?

I jumped slightly at the knock that resounded through the kitchen, startling me out of my thoughts. I looked at the clock in surprise. I had meant to eat a bit quicker, and I was now left with half a bowl of cereal that I had forgotten about while I'd been worrying about the day ahead. I quickly dumped the rest into the sink and rinsed out the bowl before slowly heading to the door.

"Hey." I froze as my eyes snapped up to the person in front of me. This person was definitely not Alice. I let out the breath I had been holding, my whole body sagging slightly as I tried to control my reaction. I hadn't realized how worked up I had gotten myself with all my thinking until Edward had showed up at my door. I needed to be calm or this wouldn't work.

"Hey. Where's Alice?" I motioned for him to step inside for a moment so I could grab my jacket. I led him towards the kitchen and waited for him to sit before moving towards the stairs.

"I told her I would come get you and she agreed." I froze and turned back around to stare at him. He had asked to come get me? Was that a good thing? I shook my head, trying to clear it of those questions. It didn't matter what it meant. I could barely be friends with this family without having to deal with my trust issues. It wasn't possible for me to start wondering about anything else. I didn't want anyone but Alice to know how messed up I was, and she'd only seen the tip of the iceberg.

I made it up the stairs without tripping as I tried to balance all the chaos in my head. It wasn't as though I had told Alice about my scars. She had seen them by accident, but was I truly okay with her knowing? I almost sat down in my bed, but as soon as I went to sit down I hopped back up. I had left Edward downstairs! I raced down the stairs so I didn't keep him waiting.

I could see him sitting completely still in the kitchen. He looked so out of place it was almost funny. If he hadn't been sitting there it would have been impossible to picture him there. The entire family was just so beautiful. On the second to last step, I felt my foot catch, and I began to fall forward, the floor moving at an alarming rate right towards my face.

All of a sudden, a pair of hands were catching me, and pulling me up from the rapidly approaching floor. I gasped as I stared at Edward, who was now gently placing me upright on my feet. He smiled, but I could see the concern in his eyes.

"Are you okay?" he inquired as I tried to process what just happened. How did he get over here so fast? I almost laughed as that question passed through my thoughts. I knew the answer to that. He was just like Alice. They were different from everyone else. They had secrets, just as I did. I began to smile as I looked up at him.

"I'm just fine. Thank you for catching me. I can be a bit clumsy at times." He nodded and then stepped back, as though just realizing how close we had been standing. I flushed and moved to step around him. I was out the door and heading towards his car when I realized that he was already opening my door for me. He beat me to the door and I hadn't even seen him move past me. I froze at the edge of the driveway, my thoughts moving frantically, trying to work out what I was seeing logically.

The last time I had seen someone move so quickly, I had been too frightened of the situation to really think about it. How did I feel about it now?

"Bella?" his smooth velvet voice cut into my thoughts. I sighed and forced my feet to move towards the car. Confused – I was confused. That was how I was feeling about Edward's sudden show of their secret. I slid into the seat and before I could blink Edward was sitting next to me, backing the car out of the drive way. Did this mean I would have to share a secret of my own with Edward since he was sharing his? The panic began to creep in as I looked anywhere but at Edward. Before it could spiral too out of control, a wave of calm seemed to flow into me, calming me almost immediately. I glanced over at Edward only to find him watching me, concern etched across his features. I looked back at the road in surprise only to find that we were parked in front of a very large house. I gasped, my eyes widening in shock. Their house was huge and surrounded by a beautiful array of flowers.

I let my eyes wander, drinking in the warmth of the house and taking in the secluded surroundings. They lived in the middle of a meadow, at least, that was how it seemed. I smiled as Edward opened my door for me, extending a hand to help me out of the car. I had completely forgotten that we would be going into the house. The anxiety began to creep back up, but it was eclipsed by another wave of calm. Why was I so calm all of a sudden?

I reached up, laying my hand in his, keeping my expression as neutral as possible, feeling little sparks of electricity flow between us. He closed my door, squeezing my hand in silent support. I smiled as I glanced at him. He was watching me too, and I flushed.

"She's here, she's here, she's here!" a booming voice proclaimed before Emmett came bounding out of the house towards us. I took a small step back as I considered getting back into the car, but I didn't want to let go of Edward and to get to the car, I would have to let him go.

I watched as Emmett came to an abrupt stop in front of me. He hadn't bothered moving at my speed either, and I was slightly awed at how gracefully he moved, considering how big he was. He looked like he wanted to hug me, but, fortunately, he stepped back. I could only handle so much in one day. I flushed again when Emmett noticed my hand in Edward's, and I silently prayed that he wouldn't say anything.

He grinned, his eyebrows wiggling, and I knew I would not be that lucky today. I cast my eyes down as he opened his mouth to speak, before I heard a loud umph, and when I looked up, Emmett was sprawled out on his back. I looked back towards Edward and chuckled. He had the most smug expression on his face. He looked over at me with a smile as I laughed.

"Come on, Em. Quit lazing around," he called as he began to tug me to the front door. I covered my mouth with my free hand as I tried to stem my giggles. It wasn't until we reached the door and Emmett had caught up to us that I was able to stop laughing.

"That wasn't very nice, Eddie boy," Emmett grumbled as he opened the door and stepped inside. Edward grimaced at the nickname, and I squeezed his hand gently, earning a grin shot in my direction. As soon as we entered the house, my thoughts centered in on Alice, who I could see was sitting on the white couches in front of us. My grip tightened on Edward.

"Breathe," he whispered, his soft voice comforting as we made our way to the couches. Edward sat down beside me while Emmett curled up in a chair next to Alice. I pulled off my shoes quickly, forcing myself to let go of Edward. The loss of contact was almost as shocking as touching him. It was like I had pulled out a piece of me and left it with him. I tried to keep my feelings under control as I curled my feet underneath me.

"I have some explaining to do, Bella. May I?" I lifted my gaze from my folded legs, finally looking over at Alice. The open honesty in her eyes gave me pause and I nodded. I found my curiosity peaking, looking forward to what she wanted to say. I already knew why they had been gone those days. I didn't fault them, and Emmett had said that it would never happen again, but I had still pushed her away. I had pushed her away because I had trusted her, no one else in her family knew about my issues. I wanted to trust her, I really did, but the only person I trust in my life now is Charlie, and even that is tentative.

I didn't know how to trust people because they always ended up hurting me. I felt a small nudge to the side of me and lifted my head again. I tried to focus on what Alice had asked me and what the proper response would be.

"Um... okay." That was eloquent. I sighed and forced myself to focus once more. Alice opened her mouth to speak when I recalled what I had just been thinking about.

"Wait, Alice," she paused, staring at me, "I just wanted you to know that I know why you weren't there that day and that I don't fault you for that. You can't be there all the time. I knew that. I didn't... I couldn't..." I tried to gather my wandering thoughts to finish what I had been saying, but Alice began to speak.

"Emmett told me that you asked and that you knew why we were gone, but, Bella, I owe you more than that. I know this may seem a little forward or presumptuous, but I want you to know that I understand why you reacted the way you did. I know you are aware that we have our own secrets – secrets that we share as a family – but I have my personal demons as well. It took me a long time to learn how to live the way I do." I was listening to what she was saying, but it wasn't making any sense. She understood... but what did she understand and what happened to her? I tried to make sense of it, but it was futile.

"I'm... confused," I stated. It was the best word I could come up with for the over all mass of emotion swirling within me. Emmett chuckled and I glared at him.

"Alice, you may want to explain what you're talking about," Edward stated with a sigh. I smiled at him in appreciation.

"I was getting there." She shifted slightly, watching me once again.

"See, I never knew my family. When I woke up, I was alone with no memory of who I was. All I knew was that my name was Alice. Everything else was dark, blank. I survived on my own for a few years, but even when I awoke, I knew I would end up here with this family, in this family. For me, that knowledge was my rock. It got me through all of the darkness and hurt that I dealt with until I could find them. Yet, even though I knew I would be with them, and though I had found Jasper before we came to them, it took me a long time to learn to trust them. I was wary of anything I didn't know. I didn't trust them to stick around, to want me in their family. I fully expected them to tell us to leave and never come back. I couldn't even trust my own visions." I watched as her expression darkened and slid into sadness. My heart tugged for her. I didn't want her to hurt, but I knew what it was like to feel like there was no one in the entire world there for you.

Before I could think it through, I was stumbling towards her and hugging her. I smiled through the threatening tears as she hugged me back.

"I just forgot for a moment, Bella, and I am so sorry because I know what it's like to feel like you haven't got a soul in the world that cares what happens to you. So I want you to know that I care about you and that I will always care about you. I want you to be able to trust me, whether that means talking to me or just spending time with me. Friends?" I fought back my tears as she whispered in my ear. Before there could be any confusion, I nodded a yes to her question.

My logical side screamed in protest, shouting for me to protect myself and back away now, but I didn't want to. I wanted to know Alice because she understood my issue with trust in her own unique way. I pulled away after a moment, uncomfortable with the physical contact. I wasn't used to being touched in a good way and it was all becoming a bit overwhelming. I backed up, sitting on my couch with Edward and putting some space between Alice and myself.

"Alice, may I ask you something?" She smiled and nodded. I thought back for a moment, picking out something that had struck me as odd when she had said it. I knew how it worked – never bet against Alice. But why did I come up with that?

"What did you mean by 'trusting your own visions?'" Edward stiffened beside me while Emmett merely grinned. Alice never even flinched. She looked as though she were trying to figure out how to word her answer.

"You know that we are different, right?" I nodded. That much was obvious. I knew they were different and I was glad they were no longer trying to hide it from me. I wondered how much of that was Alice's doing.

"Well, ever since I woke up alone, I have had these visions. In these visions I see what is to come or what may happen. These visions are dependent upon the choices people make but to put it simply – I can see the future, sort of. That's how I knew that I would end up with this family and it's also how I found Jasper. Yet, even then, it took me a long time to trust those visions because they could change so quickly." Her expression was wary as she watched me think over what she had just explained. I couldn't say I was surprised since they were so very different from anyone else I had ever met. It was only fitting that they have some kind of special gift to go with their secrets.

"Um... one more? You don't have to answer or anything... I'm just curious..." Alice chuckled, but nodded. She seemed much lighter now that I had agreed to try being friends again.

"Does the rest of your family have visions as well?" This time both Edward and Emmett chuckled along with Alice.

"No, not all of us have gifts and no one else has visions like I do." I was surprised to hear that their gifts differed. I wondered how different they could possibly be. I turned to Edward. His expression was wary as I thought about my next question.

"Do you have a gift?" He glanced towards Alice and then back at me before relaxing again.

"Yes." I smiled, glad he had decided to answer my question.

"What is your gift?" I sat back slightly so I that all three of them were in my sight.

"Well... I can read minds." I froze, my thoughts jumbling up into a tangled mess as I tried not to think about anything I didn't want him to know about. What if I already had thought of something that he shouldn't know? What if he knew about my past?

"I can read every mind I come across... except yours." My head snapped up and I stared at him in shock. My thoughts slowed down as my body gave a sigh of relief. There were too many things he didn't need to know about me. I sagged back into the couch once more as I tried to let my logical side catch up with everything I was learning.

"A-am I the only one you can't hear?" He nodded, a look of frustration coming over his features. I let this fact trickle through me slowly before another question popped up.

"Is there something wrong with me?" All three of the Cullens chuckled at that.

"I tell you I can read minds and you think there is something wrong with you?" I flushed as what I had asked filtered through to me. Of course I would ask questions without letting it go through a filter first. I sighed, embarrassed as they chuckled at my expense. Alice hopped up suddenly, startling me. My breathing spiked for a moment before I took a deep breath and turned to Emmett.

"I have my strength. That's my gift." I smiled as he promptly answered my unspoken question. Alice vanished for a moment, disappearing out of the room in the blink of an eye, and returning with a glass of water. She smiled at me as she handed the glass to me. I tried to rein in the surprise over her action, but it was poorly disguised. My surprise didn't seem to bother her though. Her smile never faltered.

"Thank you." Alice just nodded and skipped back to her place on the couch. Emmett began to ramble on about some game he wanted to watch before Alice told him to shut up because she had no interest in watching sports. The verbal fighting match that ensued was rather comical.

"What's wrong with watchin' sports? It's just as fun as playin' them!" Alice folded her arms across her chest, her expression annoyed that Emmett wouldn't just let it go.

"That's not true. I'd rather play them than sit around and watch. Watching is so boring." I turned to glance at Edward and chuckled. His expression was rather annoyed as well, but I was pretty sure his annoyance was towards the conversation taking place at all. I wondered what he could hear in their heads. What were they thinking about?

"Hey, Edward? What are they thinking about while they argue?" He looked rather shocked that I had even asked but he didn't seem unwilling to answer.

"Well, Alice is cataloging all of the clothes she needs to buy and all the clothes she needs to donate this week, while Emmett is thinking pretty much exactly what he's saying."

"She can do all that while arguing with Emmett?" Edward chuckled and nodded.

"Yes. Our brains work a bit differently than the average human. We have more space to work with so we can multitask much easier." I watched as Emmett continued to try and prove he was right while Alice just tried to ignore him.

"If you're not human, what are you?" I froze when Edward stiffened beside me and Emmett stopped talking. All three were now staring at me. I could feel my face grow hot in embarrassment. I hadn't meant to pry. The silence cracked as the front door opened and Dr. Cullen walked in the door. I tried to bury myself further into the couch, hoping that he wouldn't see me or recognize me.

"Alice, Edward, Emmett," he greeted each in turn before he looked at me.

"Bella. It's so nice to see you again. How are you feeling?" Both Alice and Emmett looked confused as they stared at me. I tried to think of the generic response, but my thoughts were all jumbled up in panic at having to see Dr. Cullen again.

"I-I- um... I'm... it's good – better." I mentally smacked myself at the confusing statement I came up with. It wasn't like he was going to say anything about my scars. It was against the law. He wouldn't tell his family, right? My eyes darted around the room, looking for anything to distract me from my anxiety. I breathed a sigh of relief as a slow calm began to drift over me. I don't know how I was able to calm down and I didn't care. It was much better to be calm than anxious and afraid.

"Good. I'm glad to hear it. Well, I'll be in my study. Have fun." I nodded as Dr. Cullen vanished up the stairs and breathed a sigh of relief as soon as he was gone.

"Bella, what do you think about going shopping again?" I was grateful when Alice changed the subject and I began to relax further.

"I highly doubt I will ever allow that to happen again. I hate shopping, Alice, you know that." She grimaced, her expression disappointed. It reminded me of a parent's reaction to their child being put in detention or getting a bad grade.

"There is nothing wrong with not liking to shop. Alice does all of my clothes shopping for me. Actually she does the clothes shopping for everyone. She is the one who keeps us all in style and in the 'right' clothes," Edward explained while Alice just pouted. I laughed at her expression. A comfortable silence stretched out then and Emmett vanished after a few minutes. As we sat together I let myself study the room I had been too nervous to notice before. It was very white and very clean. The only pop of dark was a grand piano and the table set in the middle of all the couches. I gazed out into the backyard for a moment, watching as the clouds began to darken further as the sun sunk below the tree line.

"Oh, shoot! Alice, what time is it?" I jumped up and began to pull my shoes on before she even responded.

"Five after five o'clock," she responded with a smile. I hadn't even started dinner yet. Edward watched me warily as I scuttled around trying to get my shoes on while moving towards the door. I tried to avoid my shoelaces but it didn't work and before I knew it I was falling towards the floor again only to have Edward steady me on my feet.

"Thanks," I huffed out as Alice appeared at the door and gave me a hug. I flinched but managed to relax after a moment.

"Calm down, Bella. Your dad won't be home for another hour and a half. You will have plenty of time to make dinner." I sighed, ready to ignore her words before I recalled what she had told me today.

"Did you see that?" I inquired, my curiosity peaked. She nodded and grinned before pushing Edward and I out the door.

"Have a safe trip home! I'll see you soon." I waved as I practically ran to the Volvo. Edward had my door open before I even got there.

"I wish I could move as quickly as you guys can." He chuckled as he started the car and wound his way out of the long driveway. I forced myself to pay attention as he drove this time, since I had missed the entire drive to their house because of the chaos in my head. We got to my house faster than I thought physically possible and I had to pry my fingers off the seat to get out of the car, but I was glad it had gone so quickly because I had a dinner to make.

Before I could open the door, it was being opened for me and the same familiar hand was being held out to help me out. I smiled as I came in contact with his cold hand and happily welcomed the electrical warmth that shot up my arm at his touch. He didn't hold on to me this time though, letting go as soon as I was out of the car. The flood of disappointment was not easily hidden.

"Thank you for driving me," I mumbled, already half way to the house. I tried to keep my eyes on my shoes, forcing myself to think of Charlie and what he would need when he came home.

"You're welcome. Would you like some help cooking?" My whole body jerked forward when his voice appeared from right behind me and Edward steadied me before I could fall on my face. He let go just as quickly as the last time, but I smiled at the contact, none the less.

"I... um... sure." Why couldn't I ever say anything coherent around him? About half way up the steps a small slip of bright yellow paper caught my eye. I briefly considered running up to the door and snatching it off before Edward could see it, but I knew he would beat me there if he wanted to. I grabbed it as quickly as I could, but it didn't seem to make a lick of difference. As soon as I grabbed it, it was gone. I unlocked the door and turned back to Edward and watched him read what it said.

"Has this happened before?" He sounded extremely angry, his tone carefully controlled, no doubt in an effort to keep from scaring me. I placed a comforting hand on his arm, leading him into the house and closing the door behind him.

"Yesterday was the first time. I didn't think much of it," I admitted though I had no idea how to explain to him why it didn't really bother me.

"Didn't think much of it? Bella, this is harassment. You can press charges for this kind of thing." The anger hadn't faded one bit. I sighed and plopped down in one of the kitchen chairs. Edward followed suit, placing the note on the table between us. I picked it up, eager to see what threat was given to me this time.

They can't protect you forever. I'll get to you eventually. I'm a patient person.

I held back my laughter for Edward's sake. I knew the anger would only be worse if I laughed at the note. I set it back down and got up from the table to gather what I would need for dinner.

"That doesn't bother you at all?" His tone was incredulous towards my indifference. He wouldn't possibly understand though. I had already been through so much and if I were a betting girl, I would bet one hundred percent that my harasser was James or Victoria. What did I have to fear from them? A severe beating? Been there, done that. I hurt myself more so than they could ever hurt me.

Would they try and kill me?Did they hate me that much for just existing? So what if they did? The only reason I would fight to remain alive was because Charlie needed me. Otherwise, there was just no point. I lived my life in fear, but something like a threat note just did not cause any kind of fear for me.

"Edward, will you cut up the carrots, please?" I was sure he would try to protest, to get me to admit that I was afraid, but after a long stretch of silence he was standing at the counter, knife in hand, chopping up the carrots. I smiled as I stirred the noodles into the boiling water. It was nice to have some help and some company as I cooked. As soon as the cruiser pulled into the driveway, Edward vanished into the night. One moment he was sitting at the kitchen table, the next I was alone.

"Bells?" Charlie's voice rang out as the door banged open and he stomped in. I flinched slightly at the noise, surprised at how loud everything was after dealing with the Cullens all day. They were so quiet in their movements, whereas Charlie was loud and heavy with his.

"In here, Dad," I called, serving up the spaghetti, sauce, and carrots. I set the dishes down on the table and waited for Charlie to join me. He didn't bring his newspaper this time, so I waited for whatever it was he wanted to get off his chest. It wasn't until halfway through our dinner that Charlie finally opened his mouth to speak.

"Bells, I know you told Renee that you won't really have time to be with them if they visit, but I think she is still planning on spending some time here. They both have a bit of time off soon and they miss you. Even if you don't have a lot of time, maybe you could make some time for your mother. You haven't seen her in over a year. She told me that they would probably come up here in about a month. They won't stay for too long, only a few days." He wasn't looking at me while he spoke, his gaze was trained on his food as he spoke of my mother and her husband. I set down my fork full of spaghetti, the food I had already eaten was threatening to come right back up as I sat and stared at Charlie.

Charlie told her it was okay to come here, even though I told her no. I knew that, logically, it made sense that she would want to see her only daughter, but to me it would only cause more problems. I couldn't see him again. I couldn't even be in the same state as him without being in a state of constant panic, and now I didn't have a choice. I picked up my plate slowly, being careful not to drop it as I made my way to the sink.

"Okay... well... I'll be upstairs," my voice was dead, the words monotone as I slipped upstairs. The best way to deal with my mother's husband was to be numb. The best defense I had was my scissors and the overall feeling of numb. I sat down on my bed and pulled my knees to my chest, hugging them to me in an effort to keep myself together. It didn't work for very long.

After a few minutes of trying to get things straight in my thoughts; I stood, grabbed a towel, along with my scissors, and made my way to the bathroom. This would be the quickest way to let it go. This would push it all away. I locked the bathroom door and dropped my towel before turning on the shower. As soon as the water was on, I pulled off my jeans and sat on the floor against the tub.

I couldn't even take the time to fully explore the past damage I had done before I was dragging the blade across my leg. I only made one cut before moving to the inside of my leg.

My previous cut there was slowly healing, the scab was a thin line where the blade had slid across before. I smiled at that small cut and set my scissors against my skin right next to it. The sharp sting as I slid the blade across was like home to me. I did it again, moving the blade only slightly farther down my leg. I made three more cuts before dropping my scissors and slipping into the shower to wash away the beading blood.

As soon as I was dressed again, I slid into bed and let the darkness of my room hide me from my fears. I let the day replay through my mind, smiling as I came across Alice's explanation and subsequent request for my friendship. Everything had been going so well. I had spent most the day without my thoughts turning to my past. If Charlie had waited until tomorrow to tell me of Renee's decision to come here, would I have needed my scissors tonight?

Would the fear have come back once Edward left? Or would I have been able to fall asleep and wake up without the intense need for the blood and the pain?

I couldn't come up with a concrete answer but I was ninety-nine percent sure I would have needed it either way. That fear of seeing him again outweighed any good that may have occurred during the day. I could not possibly survive without my scars or my scissors. Not when he haunted my every step – my every thought.

Thoughts? Questions? Comments? Review and let me know. :) Love to hear from ya'll!

peace & grace

Oh and if anyone was wondering, we have caught up to and are now ahead of the version posted on Twilighted.