Chapter Seven – Between a rock and a hard place
Lex's been through a lot of traumatic events.
He's successfully dodged bullets, freaks and money-hungry, vapid brunettes.
He's been kidnapped, beat up and knocked out.
He grew up motherless, with a father who worried more about keeping him down than showing any sort of affection. He survived many doomed marriages and even managed to overcome the evil clutches of his own manipulated fantasies.
He spent most of his life fighting for acceptance, imploring forgiveness and in some cases selling his very soul for something that was not only ridiculous, but absolutely unattainable.
But none of it prepared him for life with Chloe.
At first he thought moving in with Chloe would be easy. That each of them would do their best to make the other comfortable, and things would go as smoothly as could be expected. They were friends and friends did whatever was necessary to help each other out.
It didn't take long for him to realize how naïve that thought had been.
The very first day had been trial enough. Chloe was in a snit as soon as he arrived, and by the time Dr. Abbott walked in, the lines were clearly drawn. Chloe wasn't going to make this easy on anyone, least of all, him.
It took them over an hour to haul all the sexual paraphernalia out of her apartment. There was an arsenal of toys hidden under her sofa and, as it turned out, that was only the beginning.
They found paraphernalia stashed under her bed, under her mattress, under her pillow, in her closet, in her bureau, in the night stand, in the box hidden under her nightstand, under the sink in the bathroom, hidden amongst otherwise innocent looking objects littering the tub, in the medicine cabinet, in the linen closet, in an almost-secret compartment in the base of the tub.
By the time they finished, Lex was sweating, Dr. Abbott was cursing and Chloe was giving the term sulk a whole new meaning.
And Lex seriously considered hiring a moving van to haul all the stuff out of there.
Thinking back on it now, he managed to find some humor in it, but at the time no one had been amused at all. In fact, Lex had had the fleeting thought that he might want to get an extra lock on his door. Just in case she decided to off him in the middle of the night.
It took them quite a bit of time to find any common ground, but once that balance had been founded, things had gone quite well.
For the most part, of course.
The last issue they'd worked through was Chloe's annoyance with his secret cleaning service. She couldn't understand why he needed someone to clean for him and was furious that he'd been sneaking them in twice a week the entire time he'd been staying with her.
As far as Lex was concerned she should've known all along. It's not like she ever cleaned anything and there's no way she'd ever believe he was taking care of it on his own. As if the place cleaned itself on a regular basis. The fact she missed the obvious wasn't his problem and there was no way he'd forego the extravagances he could more than afford just because she felt strange having someone else clean her toilet.
Luckily, for both of them, Chloe adjusted quickly.
She did tease him unmercifully about his having most of his meals delivered, but she didn't complain about the fact he had enough food for two. She liked to cook, but sometimes there just wasn't enough time in the day and who didn't enjoy having dinner ready when they got home?
That's right – no one.
Chloe had done her best at easing up on him over the past two months. She no longer walked around barely dressed and her spying had dwindled to an occasional glance when she thought he wasn't looking.
But little did she know – he was always looking.
He couldn't help it. At times it was almost as if he lived and breathed Chloe. She was all he ever thought about, all he ever dreamed about. And he kind of liked it that way.
Most of the time.
He still felt a little peculiar around her, said and did things that he didn't think he was capable of. He'd gotten more than a few strange looks from her, but no matter how hard he tried to control himself, he just couldn't help it. Sometimes the weirdest things came out of his mouth at the most inopportune moments.
And his revealing his feelings to her had been the most impulsive and reckless thing he'd ever done, but it was also exactly what he'd needed to begin a new part of his life.
Of course, that didn't mean he wasn't slightly mortified by it once in a while.
He had so many conflicting emotions, sometimes he felt as if he was going mad with it.
Which brought Lex here; to this very moment.
"Come again…"
"I told her I love her."
Dr. Abbott gaped at him, "And when did this happen?"
"A while back," he said. "While I was trying to explain a somewhat…embarrassing…situation."
Dr. Abbott raised a brow at him and snorted, "Oh, you mean after she caught you with your dick in your hand?"
Lex frowned. He knew Chloe had talked to Dr. Abbott about it because she'd told him so shortly afterwards. Lex had worried that he'd have to talk about it in their group discussion, but no one had ever mentioned it again. And he had to be a little relieved about it.
Lex had to give the good doctor a lot of credit for managing to maintain her professionalism in this mostly bizarre situation. But sometimes she failed miserably, which Lex had no problem with as long as it was Chloe on the receiving end of her sarcasm.
Lex scowled at her grumpily. Refused to answer. He knew he was acting the part of a petulant child, but sometimes he just couldn't help it. He was constantly surrounded by infuriating women and even the strongest of men had their limits. He wasn't going to take it anymore.
Then Dr. Abbott laughed and said, "Loosen up, Lex. I'm not here to judge you."
"Could've fooled me." He muttered sullenly.
She smiled at him, reached out and patted him on the knee. "You need to quit taking yourself so seriously. Everything is not a personal attack and my amusement doesn't automatically imply mockery. If I wanted to mock you, I would do so openly."
Lex shook his head, amusement quirking his lips. He was still adjusting to Dr. Abbott's strategies, and her unending wit was one tactic she used quite often. She always managed to get under his cool exterior and by the time he left her apartment, he usually felt slightly violated.
"She didn't answer me and we haven't discussed it since."
"How does that make you feel?"
Lex shrugged slightly, the conversation immediately making him uncomfortable. He pushed back his urge to lash out, instead managed to find his voice. Said, "Most of the time I'm fine with it."
"But," urged Dr. Abbott.
"It's still a little disappointing," he admitted. "I love her. She knows I love her. But I have no idea how she really feels about me."
"Do you think she feels the same way?"
"I know Chloe cares about me and most of the time I believe there's more to her feelings than she wants to admit. But once in a while that lingering doubt crowds me and I feel as if I'll never have what I really want."
"Sounds reasonable to me. No one likes being in limbo and that's basically where you've been for the past three months."
The past two months had been mostly uneventful. They'd managed to maintain a mostly sane routine since that fateful day when Chloe had walked in on him jacking off in her bedroom. They spent most of their free time together, but always respected the other's need for privacy.
Within reason.
Chloe was still watched more often than she liked, but she was now allowed monitored computer use and the occasional R-rated movie. Chaperoned, of course.
Lex sighed, "How likely is it that Chloe will ever be capable of having a normal, intimate relationship?"
"That all depends on Chloe," Dr. Abbott said. "But keep in mind that being a sexual being is not Chloe's real problem. It's her inability to control the impulse when she wants sex. Her craving sexual contact is perfectly reasonable and natural, but she allows it to control her life instead of her being in control of the urge. That's what we're trying to accomplish with having you live with her. We're forcing her to be responsible for her actions and how they affect her life as well as the lives of those around her."
Lex frowned. He'd pondered the sense of this logic a lot over the last few months. He couldn't quite fathom how anyone would think someone as irrevocably fucked up as him could ever be of help to anyone.
"But why choose me to live with her?" Lex asked. "How am I supposed to help her get control of her own impulses when I'm constantly trying to fight my own impulse to take as I please?"
Dr. Abbott peered at him thoughtfully, stated, "Maybe Chloe's not the only one who needs help."
Lex thought over Dr. Abbott's statement for the rest of the day.
At first he was a little annoyed at the implication that he needed any kind of help, but after further contemplation he realized that she was probably right. Or at least partly so.
He knew he had some issues regarding intimacy and maintaining a healthy relationship. It seemed perfectly normal to him considering his track record. Everyone he'd ever loved had betrayed him in some way, either by trying to steal what was rightfully his, by trying to kill him or simply by dying.
Of course, Lex was a reasonable adult and after many hours of reflection he was well aware of the fact that blaming his mother for dying was a ridiculous juvenile reaction to his grief. But knowing this didn't change how he felt about it. Even if he didn't show it.
Lex let himself into his – Chloe's – apartment and made his way through to the living room. Everything was quiet, but he immediately noticed that something wasn't right.
Chloe was seated on the couch. She looked tense and her hands were fidgeting nervously.
She looked blatantly guilty of something.
Lex sighed, said, "Might as well get it over with, Chloe, and just tell me now."
She raised her brows innocently, "Tell you what?"
Lex took a deep breath. His day had been long enough. He really didn't need Chloe's shit right now. "Fine. Don't tell me."
"There's nothing to tell, Lex."
Lex rolled his eyes, "If you say so," he said, then started to walk out of the room.
Chloe glared at him, sputtered, "How'd you know?"
Lex stopped in the doorway, peered at her knowingly, "I know you, Chloe. You'll never be able to pull one over on me."
That was the true too. He knew her better than anyone, partly because they'd spent so much time together and partly because his obsessive nature led to his filing away every piece of information he could find.
He walked over and sat down on the couch beside her. Leaned back and rested his arms along the back of the couch. Waited for her to confess.
She glared at her hands sullenly, contemplation evident as she fidgeted. Finally she sighed and leaned over, reaching under the couch.
"I snuck computer time," she muttered, pulling her laptop out from under the couch and setting it on her lap.
Lex shook his head, said, "Chloe, you know you're not supposed to be on the computer without someone to monitor your use. What were you thinking?"
Chloe rolled her eyes, "Of course I know, but sometimes I have to do what I'm not supposed to do. Otherwise you might think I'm getting all soft on you."
"Oh, never that."
She giggled, started to close her laptop only to have Lex's hand stop her. "Aren't you going to show me what you were up to?" he asked.
Her eyes widened, her lips parted and her eyes darted around the room, looking anywhere but at him. She looked as if she was looking for the quickest escape route and Lex knew her guilt stemmed from something other than the innocent use of her computer.
Lex closed his eyes. He knew he had to find out what she'd been doing, but he didn't want to know. He didn't want to know what kind of lewdness she'd been enthralled in. Didn't want to know how it affected her.
Forced his eyes open and stared at her expectantly.
Finally she sighed, opened the top of her computer and pushed it towards him.
The screen was still black, but the sound was on. He heard some breathless noises, and a loud groan. Then recognized his own voice saying Chloe's name.
He immediately felt the heat rise in his face. Had to resist the urge to toss the computer on the floor. To walk out and hide from his humiliation.
He watched in horror as an image of him jerking off slowly appeared on the screen. "Chloe," he gasped. "You have a video camera in your room?"
She nodded guiltily, her hands still fidgeting, but her eyes now focused on her flight.
"How often is it recording?"
"It's not usually on, but I'd hit the button by accident when I left earlier that day. I didn't realize it had recorded anything until I went to bed that night."
Lex closed the computer, leaned forward and set it on the table. He was appalled that they hadn't found the camera when they hauled all her toys out. But he was curious as to why she decided to keep the video. Asked, "And you decided to keep it because…?"
She flushed prettily, her eyes once again focused on her hands. She shifted uncomfortably, her brown furrowing as she answered. "I was using it for research purposes."
"Research purposes?"
"Yes," Chloe answered breathlessly. "Dr. Abbott told me my physical response to catching you was a normal reaction and I wanted to see if it would happen again."
"What reaction? What are you talking about?"
Chloe looked over at him, muttered, "It turned me on."
He smirked. He couldn't help it. He tried not to react at all, but as soon as the words left her lips he felt the uncertainty fade to self-satisfaction.
She glared at him, "Now don't let it go to your head, Lex. It's not like I'm getting a lot of action or anything."
He laughed, glad for the distraction, said, "True, but I'm most comfortable in my delusional fantasies of desirable grandeur."
She giggled, hit him playfully in the arm then reached for her computer. He reached out and grabbed the laptop before she could get to it. Said, "I might as well delete all the offensive material before you have another urge to give in to temptation."
"No!"
Lex started, a little taken aback by the vehemence in her voice. He peered at her questioningly, asked, "Why not?"
Chloe swallowed, took a shuddering breath, "Because they're mine and I don't want them deleted.
Lex immediately wondered what else he'd find on her computer. Wasn't sure if he really wanted to know. He stood up, carried the laptop over to the table on the far wall then turned and walked back to Chloe. He stopped in front of her, "What would you like me to do with them?"
She shrugged, "Can't you just put them on a flash drive or something? Then hold onto them I case I'm ever well enough to be trusted with them…"
Lex nodded, "Sure, I'll take your computer to work with me tomorrow and take care of it. You should have it back tomorrow. But you can't sneak computer time, Chloe."
Chloe relaxed visibly, nodded, "Thanks, Lex. I'll really try to be better."
"I know, Chloe. You've been doing well, but it takes time."
She was staring at the table in front of them, her hands still fidgeting slightly, but otherwise she looked almost content. Except for the deep line of worry between her brows.
She did that sometimes and it made Lex worry. Because he didn't want her to hurt for anything. Wanted to take all her pain and unhappiness and swallow it down so it could never touch her again.
He inhaled sharply, asked, "What are you thinking about, Chloe?"
She smiled faintly, looked completely lost as she replied so softly he had to strain to hear her. "Not being wanted."
Lex hated it when she said things like that. He knew he'd made some lousy choices in the past. Knew he was partly to blame for her self-loathing. Wanted to do something, anything to make her see herself as he saw her at this moment.
Lex growled in frustration then bent down, grabbed her by her upper arms and hauled her against his chest. He barely paused, just wrapped one arm around her waist, bringing his free hand up and cupping the back of her head. Took advantage of her gasp of surprise, and plunged his tongue between her parted lips.
She didn't struggle; she leaned into him, her hands clutching at his shirt, her mouth opening wider, her tongue and lips active on his own. She sighed into his mouth and drank it in, his grip on her tightening.
He felt as if his heart was going to pound right out of his chest. Felt as if his entire body was on fire. Stroked his tongue along her teeth, along her tongue, devoured her as best he could.
He ripped his lips from hers, rested his forehead against hers, and looked into her eyes. Said thickly, "I'll always want you."
She whimpered softly, one arm twining around his neck and stroking the back of his head. She pulled him closer, kissed him again. Whimpered and moaned against his mouth.
He released her suddenly, yanking her arm off of him and pushing her towards the hallway. He turned slightly away from her. "Now go, Chloe," he said hoarsely. "Please…be good and just go."
She stared at him, her eyes wide and questioning. She licked her lips, her eyes roaming over his body, pausing at his groin. Her breasts heaved, straining against her low cut top.
Lex groaned again, felt his cock pulse in his pants and he closed his eyes tightly. Silently begged that she would leave, that she wouldn't make a move towards him for fear he wouldn't be able to back down again.
Was equally relieved and annoyed when he finally heard her rush out of the room.
He cursed violently, rubbed his hands over hid face and cursed himself some more.
He sat down on the couch, leaned back and listened to the silence echoing around him.
Forced himself to ignore the ache in his balls.
Was almost glad for it.
Stared out at nothing and focused on his penance.