Awake
**Author's Note: Sorry about the long hiatus in chapters, and about the length. I plan on getting chapters 11 and 12 (and maybe 13) out by the end of the weekend. They should be longer as well. Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and review, it is so appreciated!**
As we ran through the forest behind our home, my mind was on nothing but Xander, I tried to focus on the hunt, on my thirst. It felt as though I was being put into a trance, the soft thumping of Jacobs paws on the moist earth, the wind singing in my ears as I ran. I knew I couldn't deny my thirst, but I didn't want to be like this. For the first time in my life, I was embarrassed by my need for hunting. What would Xander think? I have always felt normal because all the people I love are the same as I am, Mom, Dad, Alice, Rose...even Jacob, but now I can feel the shame of what I am as I see Xander's bright blue eyes staring at me in my mind.
I heard a whimper come through the trees, a whimper I knew so well and I stopped running. Jacob, as a man, came through the trees.
"Ness, What is up with you? That doe was right in front of you, you could have easily tackled her. Are you hurt"
"I'm fine." Physically. "I don't know Jake, I guess I am just not really in the mood to hunt you know"
"But you haven't hunted since we got here 3 weeks ago"
"I know, maybe as I get older, my need for blood is lessening, I don't know, it just seems like normal food is satisfying to me now." This wasn't completely true, it was satisfying enough, but there still was that thirst. Maybe I am just hoping that human food will be enough someday.
"Normal? Ness, this is normal, for you, for your family. Is something wrong?" Jacobs dark eyes were filled with nothing but concern, as he held his hand to my face, his warmth overwhelmed me. I pressed his hand tighter to my face and showed him my classes, trying to convey that it was my school work that had me feeling a little off. I could feel the sting of a tear coming to my eyes, but not wanting to let Jacob see too much, see my shame, see Xander, I quickly turned away, running toward the house.
I heard Jacobs paws training after me, keeping close, but giving me a little space.
As we came up to the house, I stopped outside the door, I knew I had to talk to Jacob again, just to put his mind at ease. "Jake, I'm sorry. I just feel so off right now, I don't know how to explain it. Maybe it's being here, away from everything I have ever known. I didn't think it would effect me since you are here, and Mom and Dad, but I don't know, it's just getting to me"
As I finished my explanation, again trying to force back the tears that I knew were right under the surface, Jacobpulled me into his warm, safe embrace. I could feel his hot breath in my hair, and in his arms, I couldn't hold back any more. The tears released themselves, and I felt a great release. When the last tear fell, and my sobs subsided, Jacob pulled back, and cupped my face in his hands.
"Ness, I just want you to be happy, and whatever you need to do to make that happen, I'll be here for you. If we need to go back to Forks, we can go. You don't need to be here, you can go to school where ever, and whenever, you want. Just tell me how I can make you happy"
As I looked into his face, nothing but love and concern in his eyes, I knew I had to tell him the truth, and I knew that even if I did, he would still be here for me.
"Jake, I think I just need a little space, that's all. I know I have been confusing, and I feel like my emotions have been all over the place. But I do care about you, nothing about that has changed, but i think I need some space to just find a little bit more of me. I want you here, but I just want you to know that I don't think things can be exactly th same, at least not right now, but in time. Just let me work myself out first." I could see the hurt in his eyes, and I stood on my tip toes to kiss his lips. A soft, gentle kiss that I hoped gave him the reassurance he needed.
As I turned to go into the house, Jake just stood on the porch, in a stupor, and I wanted to turn around and take it all back, I wanted everything to be perfect, like it was before, but I knew that it couldn't be like that right now. I knew I had to explore myself, and I knew I couldn't keep thinking about Xander when I was with Jacob. I had to do what I did, and as I shut the door to my room, I shut the door to the chance to go back to Jacob and take back what I said. And while it hurt to think about what Jake might be going through, I felt a glimmer of hope coming through me as I thought about His blue eyes staring at me. For the first time since I looked into those eyes, my soul felt awake.