Halo: Reach Screwed Up Version

by MondasianCyberman

A prequel to Neptin the Sangheili's screwed up Halo series. You'll enjoy it, or else! Walpole's a character even though I haven't got the faintest damn idea of who the hell he is. Deal with it, Walpole-ites! This... this abomination, tells the story of FONDLE team during the fall of the planet Reacharound. It contains swearing. Lots and lots of swearing. I'm like a bloody sailor!

10. The Asscrackage

Six ran across some snow and shit, then jumped down to make some ODSTs piss themselves. Six had become a legend among the ODSTs, and they called him 'Ygyhuhuhuhuh', which in their language meant 'that creepy asshole'. The ODSTs were to frightened to act, and they were powerless as Six hypnotized them to obey his will.

"Six, are you still alive?" Carter asked. "Yes, no thanks to you," Six replied. "We're flying this dick into Stick Base, catch up if you can." "Fuck you."

Six outlined his plans to the ODSTs, and they charged the heavily armed aliens while Six got into a tank and drove into Stick Base. Six laughed at the way he had just sent people to pointlessly die.

Then he came.

Entering Stick Base, Six met up with his fellow assholes, and they murdered a shit ton of aliens until they reached a dead end. "Dot, this is where we're supposed to be, right?" Carter asked. "Yes," Dot replied, happy that she'd finally been included in this FanFiction. "Wait," she said, "I got new instructions from some other AI skank. She wants us to go underground. Fuck that bitch." Emile got out his shovel, and started digging.

When Emile had dug a tunnel that reached one centimetre underground, the team jumped in to discover a vast cavern.

Wat.

Then Doctor Who flew past, saying "Goodbye my dears!"

Then Doctor Halsey called NOBLE team. "You sluts keep these aliens off me while I spank Cortana sexually!"

Carter was sad, then had his fellow assholes dance to distract the Covenant. Six's striptease was so hot that the Covenant fell in love with him, and they were so busy wanking to him that the team could enter Halsey's sex lab unopposed.

Halsey gave Six a computer, and said "This is important for some reason, take it bitch. Do you have it? Six looked at the dominatrix. "Yeah." "Say the words please." Six slapped Halsey with the computer, breaking her jaw. "Fuck you, I can do what I like!" he screeched, turning into a Parrot for a moment. Literally. With feathers and shit.

Weird.

Then they went outside and got into Pelicans. Carter said to Jun, "Jun, make sure Halsey isn't captured by the Covenant. High command likes being dominated, and our priority is the sexual pleasure of our leaders. Understand?" Jun nodded. "I'll do what's necessary, sir." Halsey, however, had her objections. Or maybe she agreed. I'm not sure, but she did say "Uhngh fuuh ooh or aking ey aw."

Then Six, Emile and Carter flew away to have a threesome while Jun was stuck with a dominatrix.

And Jun was gay.

Poor Jun.

:(

While the threesome happened, Dot tried to talk over the moaning to tell them what to do. "Guys. Guysguysguysguysguys. There's a super-duper battleship right ahead that we have to go to to deliver that shit, the we can go home. Are you listening? No? Fuck you then, we have to go to the old-shit cruiser Pillar of Derp to deliver that shit."