So it's definite now, I'm going to die. I feel like I made piece with it, back when I first got diagnosed with cancer and I thought I was going to die, I spent the whole time being depressed, so I feel like I'm not really going to be that place again. I just want to make the most of the time I have left.
After my surgery dad started acting really strange, I was just expecting him to be sad all the time but he's been weirdly happy. He's been buying me loads of stuff I don't even need, I have like 6 teddy bears now. I think it's just his way of coping.
Dr. Grace said she can't say for sure how long I have, so Leo and I have been writing a list of things we want to do before we die, it's actually been really fun, though we don't get to do it a lot because our parents are always around, and the red banders have been hanging out with us a lot too, obviously we love them and want to spend time with them but we don't know how long is left, it's just really difficult making time for everyone.
"The beach?" Leo asks looking over at my list.
"Yeah I've never been, I mean I have but I've never had like a real beach day, where you make sand castles and go swimming and play volley ball."
"All I ever did when I went to the beach is play soccer, so I guess I'm the same." I see him write it down on his list.
Dad comes in with yet another stuffed animal and sits it next to the rest of them.
"I have good news!" He says. "You brother is coming tomorrow!" I don't really know how to react.
"What? You don't want to see him?" Leo asks, confused.
"No, I do, of course I do, but I know I'm going to be getting really sick, and I don't want him to see me like that, so I guess it might be the last time I see him."
"Alice, I don't know if you've noticed," Dad sits down opposite us at the table in the school room, "You're already really sick." He's right, I look like crap, I'm throwing up most of the time and I'm restricted to my wheelchair because I'm too weak to walk. "It won't change anything, he'll still love you."
"I know that, but I don't want to scare him, or make him sad."
"Well, how about we take him to the beach?" Leo says.
"The beach? Where's this coming from?" Dad folds his arms.
"Uh, Leo and I are making bucket lists and we both really want to spend a day on the beach. Can we go tomorrow? Everyone can come."
"I don't know-"
"Dad, the beach is going to make me die faster." Leo nudges me in the ribs for being so insensitive. "Sorry, I didn't mean to sound like that, but please can we go. I think everyone could do with some cheering up."
"Alright fine, I'll clear it with Sam's dad and Nurse Jackson, you two tell the others."
Leo and I roll down the hall to the Swamp where everyone is hanging out. I still haven't spoken to Kara since I found out about her and Leo, so it is a little awkward, but she's Leo's friend so I don't want to exclude her or anything. We tell them all about our plan tomorrow, Jordi says he's not sure if he'd be allowed but he's going to try. Kara tries to talk to me, as if nothing's happened, asking me what she should bring, I ignore her and roll away with Leo. His parents are in my room, Leo's been sleeping in there with me, we got our dads to move his bed into my room and push the two beds together so we could wake up next to each other, no one had much to say because, well because we're dying. You can't really tell a dying kid 'no'. We tell Mr and Mrs. Roth about tomorrow and they sound pretty happy with it. Mrs Roth immediatley gets up to go and get some snacks and things for us.
"I love your mom, I wish my mom was like her." I say to him.
"If your mom was like her, you probably wouldn't have ended up in the hospital and I'd never have met you." He kisses my cheek, because we're in front of his dad.
"No, you two kids would have met somehow, you're soul mates." He smiles at us, nothing feels better than being in a relationship that is so supported. Leo and I get into our beds to rest, he falls asleep pretty quickly and his dad goes out to run some errands or something.
He has his list in his back pocket, I gently pull it out so I can compare it to mine. Some of it's pretty basic, play soccer one last time, dance with me again, tell everyone he loves them, but the stuff towards the bottom is way more out there, skydive for charity, get a tattoo, ride the biggest roller coaster in LA, but the very last one is the most shocking. He's doodled all around it, little hearts and things. In big, bold, bubble writing it says 'Marry Alice and die happy.' A huge smile stretches across my face. He wants to marry me. An idea pops into my head, I'm going to propose to him tomorrow on the beach, and marry him right there and then. I'll make sure everyone comes so he'll have no reason to say no. I get my phone out and call Gram to make sure she can come, then I get into my chair and invite Britt, Kenji and Nurse J, but I don't tell them about my plan. I don't want anyone to try and stop me.
I go to the Swamp to get Leo's phone so I can call his two friends, Lauren and Jay, from back home, they've never even met me but they agree to come, they seem really nice. I call Jamie to ask if she'll come, she was discharged from the hospital last week but she agrees to come anyway. Everyone we love will be there and it will be perfect.
I get back into bed and cuddle up next to him, I try not to wake him up but he's a really light sleeper.
"Hi, how do you feel?" He asks, rolling over to face me.
"Not great, but at the same time pretty great."
"Me too." We kiss.
"I want you to know that... I don't want you to see me die, not that I want you to die but I'd rather you go first."
"Well we can't really choose, but what makes you think I'd rather you see me die than vice versa?"
"I've known I was going to see it for a while now, I've kind of prepared myself. Not that anyone can prepare for this. I don't want you to die being so sad. I'll be sad when you die, obviously, but I had this whole plan, but now I'm gonna die and if I die first I'll be really pissed off."
"What was your plan?" He kind of laughs at me.
"I was going to cry for 3 days, then my dad was going to comfort me, I was gonna comfort your parents and the red banders and we were all gonna be okay." He laughs again. "What?"
"You're so weird, you can't plan how you're gonna feel, and how everyone else is gonna feel. You're so sweet, this is why I love you."
"I love you too. I wish we could just die at the same time."
"I wish we could live." He squeezes me and kisses my head. We keep having these moments where we're being all jokey, then we hug and get all serious, thinking about death, it always ends with us kissing and falling asleep. I wake up at about 5 PM, this is the perfect chance for me go and talk to the reb banders, they should know about the surprise wedding, they can help. I leave Leo to sleep and find Jordi, Dash and Emma in the Swamp. I'm kind of glad Kara isn't there because if she knew what I was planning knowing her she'd find a way to ruin it for everyone.
"Hey Alice, how you feelin'?" Dash asks as I roll in.
"Not too bad, Leo and I have slept a lot today. Listen, I have something to ask you guys. I'm going to ask Leo to marry me." Their jaws all drop. "I know he'll say yes so I've invited everyone to the beach tomorrow and straight after I propose we're gonna do it. So, I need your help."
"I would say you're crazy but I kind of get it, you might as well get married now. If you guys were gonna make it you'd tie the knot eventually." Jordi says. "I'm in."
"Yes! Dash, Emma?"
"Well you need a maid of honour, I'm down." Emma hugs me.
"I'm 18 now, so I can officiate you guys." Dash cracks open his laptop. "I'll get ordained online now."
"Dash you're genius, I was just gonna ask Nurse J to do it, but it would be even sicker if you did it!" I hug them all again. "Thank you guys, you have to promise you won't tell anyone though, I don't want anyone trying to get in the way of this, and don't tell Kara, I don't really want her there but I know Leo would so whatever. Thanks again." I roll out, happy with myself.
Leo and I eat dinner in our room with our parents, Leo's mom and dad have been pretty normal compared to my dad. By normal I mean they haven't been hiding their sadness, or denying it, like dad is. Sometimes Leo's mom starts crying out of nowhere and just starts hugging us, she has taken a liking to me. Sometimes Leo and his dad go and spend some time together and she hangs out with me, she showed me the picture of Leo she has in her wallet, it's from when he was like 10 and he has a huge head of bushy hair. He was really cute. She's been alright today though, she just sometimes stares at Leo for a really long time. Mr Roth has to shake her out of her trance every now and then.
Everyone just talks about normal stuff, like baseball and soccer and the weather, but I can't stop thinking about tomorrow. I'm excited for the whole marriage thing, but I'm also excited to feel the sand between my toes. What am I gonna wear? I don't really have any beach clothes. I rack my brain for something appropriate, I have a pair of black shorts that dad bought me and a strappy black and white top, that's kind of beachy. But not very weddingy. It doesn't matter, I can't see me in a white gown anyway. I hope there's not too many other people there, I don't want any strangers ruining the day.
After dinner Leo and I fall asleep again, I dream about the wedding. I have an exact vision of how perfect it's going to be. I'm not nervous, because I know he's right for me and me for him.